I
The picture gallery of Rudge Hall, the receptacle of what Mrs. Soapy
Molloy had called the antiques and all like that, was situated on the
second floor of that historic edifice. To Mr. Carmody, at five-thirty
on the following morning, as he propped against the broad sill of the
window facing the moat a ladder, which he had discovered in one of the
barns, it looked much higher. He felt, as he gazed upward, like an
inexpert Jack about to mount the longest bean stalk on record.
Even as a boy, Lester Carmody had never been a great climber. While
his young companions, reckless of risk to life and limb, had swarmed
to the top of apple trees, Mr. Carmody had preferred to roam about on
solid ground, hunting in the grass for windfalls. He had always hated
heights, and this morning found him more prejudiced against them than
ever. It says much for crime as a wholesome influence in a man's life
that the lure of the nefarious job which he had undertaken should
have induced him eventually after much hesitation to set foot on the
ladder's lowest rung. Nothing but a single-minded desire to do down an
innocent insurance company could have lent him the necessary courage.
Mind having triumphed over matter to this extent, Mr. Carmody found
the going easier. Carefully refraining from looking down, he went
doggedly upward. Only the sound of his somewhat stertorous breathing
broke the hushed stillness of the summer morning. As far as the weather
was concerned, it was the start of a perfect day. But Mr. Carmody paid
no attention to the sunbeams creeping over the dewy grass, nor, when
the quiet was broken by the first piping of birds, did he pause to
listen. He had not, he considered, time for that sort of thing. He was
to have ample leisure later, but of this he was not aware.
He continued to climb, using the extreme of caution--a method which,
while it helped to ease his mind, necessarily rendered progress slow.
Before long, he was suffering from a feeling that he had been climbing
this ladder all his life. The thing seemed to have no end. He was now,
he felt, at such a distance from the earth that he wondered the air was
not more rarefied, and it appeared incredible to him that he should not
long since have reached the window sill.
Looking up at this point, a thing he had not dared to do before, he
found that steady perseverance had brought about its usual result. The
sill was only a few inches above his head, and with the realization
of this fact there came to him something that was almost a careless
jauntiness. He quickened his pace, and treading heavily on an upper
rung snapped it in two as if it had been matchwood.
When this accident occurred, he had been on a level with the sill and
just about to step warily on to it. The effect of the breaking of the
rung was to make him execute this movement at about fifteen times the
speed which he had contemplated. There was a moment in which the whole
universe seemed to dissolve, and then he was on the sill, his fingers
clinging with a passionate grip to a small piece of lead piping that
protruded from the wall and his legs swinging dizzily over the abyss.
The ladder, urged outward by his last frenzied kick, tottered for an
instant, then fell to the ground.
The events just described, though it seemed longer to the principal
actor in them, had occupied perhaps six seconds. They left Mr. Carmody
in a world that jumped and swam before his eyes, feeling as though
somebody had extracted his heart and replaced it with some kind of
lively firework. This substitute, whatever it was, appeared to be
fizzing and leaping inside his chest, and its gyrations interfered with
his breathing. For some minutes his only conscious thought was that he
felt extremely ill. Then becoming by slow degrees more composed, he was
enabled to examine the situation.
It was not a pleasant one. At first, it had been agreeable enough
simply to allow his mind to dwell on the fact that he was alive and in
one piece. But now, probing beneath this mere surface aspect of the
matter, he perceived that, taking the most conservative estimate, he
must acknowledge himself to be in a peculiarly awkward position.
The hour was about a quarter to six. He was thirty feet or so above the
ground. And, though reason told him that the window sill on which he
sat was thoroughly solid and quite capable of bearing a much heavier
weight, he could not rid himself of the feeling that at any moment it
might give way and precipitate him into the depths.
Of course, looked at in the proper spirit, his predicament had all
sorts of compensations. The medical profession is agreed that there is
nothing better for the health than the fresh air of the early morning:
and this he was in a position to drink into his lungs in unlimited
quantities. Furthermore, nobody could have been more admirably situated
than he to compile notes for one of those Country Life articles which
are so popular with the readers of daily papers.
"As I sit on my second-floor window sill and gaze about me," Mr.
Carmody ought to have been saying to himself, "I see Dame Nature busy
about her morning tasks. Everything in my peaceful garden is growing
and blowing. Here I note that most gem-like of all annuals, the African
nemesia with its brilliant ruby and turquoise tints; there the lovely
tangle of blue, purple, and red formed by the blending shades of
delphiniums, Canterbury bells, and the popular geum. Birds, too, are
chanting everywhere their morning anthems. I see the Jay (_Garrulus
Glandarius Rufitergum_), the _Corvus Monedula Spermologus_ or Jackdaw,
the Sparrow (better known, perhaps, to some of my readers as _Prunella
Modularis Occidentalis_) and many others...."
But Mr. Carmody's reflections did not run on these lines. It was
with a gloomy and hostile eye that he regarded the grass, the trees,
the flowers, the birds and dew that lay like snow upon the turf: and
of all these, it was possibly the birds that he disliked most. They
were an appalling crowd--noisy, fussy, and bustling about with a
sort of overdone heartiness that seemed to Mr. Carmody affected and
offensive. They got on his nerves and stayed there: and outstanding
among the rest in general lack of charm was a certain Dartford Warbler
(_Melizophilus Undatus Dartfordiensis_) which, instead of staying in
Dartford, where it belonged, had come all the way up to Worcestershire
simply, it appeared, for the purpose of adding to his discomfort.
This creature, flaunting a red waistcoat which might have been all
right for a frosty day in winter but on a summer morning seemed
intolerably loud and struck the jarring note of a Fair Isle sweater in
the Royal Enclosure at Ascot, arrived at five minutes past six and,
sitting down on the edge of Mr. Carmody's window sill, looked long and
earnestly at that unfortunate man with its head cocked on one side.
"This can't be real," said the Dartford Warbler in a low voice.
It then flew away and did some rough work among the insects under a
bush. At six-ten it returned.
"It is real," it soliloquized. "But if real, what is it?"
Pondering this problem, it returned to its meal, and Mr. Carmody was
left for some considerable time to his meditations. It may have been
about twenty-five minutes to seven when a voice at his elbow aroused
him once more. The Dartford Warbler was back again, its eye now a
little glazed and wearing the replete look of the bird that has done
itself well at the breakfast table.
"And why?" mused the Dartford Warbler, resuming at the point where he
had left off.
To Mr. Carmody, conscious now of a devouring hunger, the spectacle of
this bloated bird was the last straw. He struck out at it in a spasm
of irritation and nearly overbalanced. The Warbler uttered a shrill
exclamation of terror and disappeared, looking like an absconding
bookmaker. Mr. Carmody huddled back against the window, palpitating.
And more time passed.
It was at half-past seven, when he was beginning to feel that he had
not tasted food since boyhood, that there sounded from somewhere below
on his right a shrill whistling.
II
He looked cautiously down. It gave him acute vertigo to do so, but he
braved this in his desire to see. Since his vigil began, he had heard
much whistling. In addition to the _Garrulus Glandarius Rufitergum_
and the _Corvus Monedula Spermologus_, he had been privileged for the
last hour or so to listen to a concert featuring such artists as the
_Dryobates Major Anglicus_, the _Sturnus Vulgaris_, the _Emberiza
Curlus_, and the _Muscicapa Striata_, or Spotted Flycatcher: and, a
moment before, he would have said that in the matter of whistling he
had had all he wanted. But this latest outburst sounded human. It
stirred in his bosom something approaching hope.
So Mr. Carmody, craning his neck, waited: and presently round the
corner of the house, a towel about his shoulders, suggesting that he
was on his way to take an early morning dip in the moat, came his
nephew Hugo.
Mr. Carmody, as this chronicle has shown, had never entertained for
Hugo quite that warmth of affection which one likes to see in an uncle
toward his nearest of kin, but at the present moment he could not have
appreciated him more if he had been a millionaire anxious to put up
capital for a new golf course in the park.
"Hoy!" he cried, much as the beleaguered garrison of Lucknow must have
done to the advance guard of the relieving Highlanders. "Hoy!"
Hugo stopped. He looked to his right, then to his left, then in front
of him, and then, turning, behind him. It was a spectacle that chilled
in an instant the new sensation of kindness which his uncle had been
feeling toward him.
"Hoy!" cried Mr. Carmody. "Hugo! Confound the boy! Hugo!"
For the first time the other looked up. Perceiving Mr. Carmody in his
eyrie, he stood rigid, gazing with opened mouth. He might have been
posing for a statue of Young Man Startled By Snake in Path While About
to Bathe.
"Great Scot!" said Hugo, looking to his uncle's prejudiced eye exactly
like the Dartford Warbler. "What on earth are you doing up there?"
Mr. Carmody would have writhed in irritation, had not prudence reminded
him that he was thirty feet too high in the air to do that sort of
thing.
"Never mind what I'm doing up here! Help me down."
"How did you get there?"
"Never mind how I got here!"
"But what," persisted Hugo insatiably, "is the big--or general--idea?"
Withheld from the relief of writhing, Mr. Carmody gritted his teeth.
"Put that ladder up," he said in a strained voice.
"Ladder?"
"Yes, ladder."
"What ladder?"
"There is a ladder on the ground."
"Where?"
"There. No, not there. There. There. Not there, I tell you. There.
There."
Hugo, following these directions, concluded a successful search.
"Right," he said. "Ladder, long, wooden, for purposes of climbing, one.
Correct as per memo. Now what?"
"Put it up."
"Right."
"And hold it very carefully."
"Esteemed order booked," said Hugo. "Carry on."
"Are you sure you are holding it carefully?"
"As in a vise."
"Well, don't let go."
Mr. Carmody, dying a considerable number of deaths in the process,
descended. He found his nephew's curiosity at close range even more
acute than it had been from a distance.
"What on earth were you doing up there?" said Hugo, starting again at
the beginning.
"Never mind."
"But what were you?"
"If you wish to know, a rung broke and the ladder slipped."
"But what were you doing on a ladder?"
"Never mind!" cried Mr. Carmody, regretting more bitterly than ever
before in his life that his late brother Eustace had not lived and died
a bachelor. "Don't keep saying What--What--What!"
"Well, why?" said Hugo, conceding the point. "Why were you climbing
ladders?"
Mr. Carmody hesitated. His native intelligence returning, he perceived
now that this was just what the great public would want to know. It was
little use urging a human talking machine like his nephew to keep quiet
and say nothing about this incident. In a couple of hours it would be
all over Rudge. He thought swiftly.
"I fancied I saw a swallow's nest under the eaves."
"Swallow's nest?"
"Swallow's nest. The nest," said Mr. Carmody between his teeth, "of a
swallow."
"Did you think swallows nested in July?"
"Why shouldn't they?"
"Well, they don't."
"I never said they did. I merely said...."
"No swallow has ever nested in July."
"I never...."
"April," said our usually well-informed correspondent.
"What?"
"April. Swallows nest in April."
"Damn all swallows!" said Mr. Carmody. And there was silence for a
moment, while Hugo directed his keen young mind to other aspects of
this strange affair.
"How long had you been up there?"
"I don't know. Hours. Since half-past five."
"Half-past five? You mean you got up at half-past five to look for
swallows' nests in July?"
"I did not get up to look for swallows' nests."
"But you said you were looking for swallows' nests."
"I did not say I was looking for swallows' nests. I merely said I
fancied I saw a swallow's nest...."
"You couldn't have done. Swallows don't nest in July.... April."
The sun was peeping over the elms. Mr. Carmody raised his clenched
fists to it.
"I did not say I saw a swallow's nest. I said I thought I saw a
swallow's nest."
"And got a ladder out and climbed up for it?"
"Yes."
"Having risen from couch at five-thirty ante meridian?"
"Will you kindly stop asking me all these questions."
Hugo regarded him thoughtfully.
"Just as you like, Uncle. Well, anything further this morning? If not,
I'll be getting along and taking my dip."
III
"I say, Ronnie," said Hugo, some two hours later, meeting his friend en
route for the breakfast table. "You know my uncle?"
"What about him?"
"He's loopy."
"What?"
"Gone clean off his castors. I found him at seven o'clock this morning
sitting on a second-floor window sill. He said he'd got up at
five-thirty to look for swallows' nests."
"Bad," said Mr. Fish, shaking his head with even more than his usual
solemnity. "Second-floor window sill, did you say?"
"Second-floor window sill."
"Exactly how my aunt started," said Ronnie Fish.
"They found her sitting on the roof of the stables, playing the ukulele
in a blue dressing gown. She said she was Boadicea. And she wasn't.
That's the point, old boy," said Mr. Fish earnestly. "She wasn't. We
must get you out of this as quickly as possible, or before you know
where you are you'll find yourself being murdered in your bed. It's
this living in the country that does it. Six consecutive months in the
country is enough to sap the intellect of anyone. Looking for swallows'
nests, was he?"
"So he said. And swallows don't nest in July. They nest in April."
Mr. Fish nodded.
"That's how I always heard the story," he agreed. "The whole thing
looks very black to me, and the sooner you're safe out of this and in
London, the better."
IV
At about the same moment, Mr. Carmody was in earnest conference with
Mr. Molloy.
"That man you were telling me about," said Mr. Carmody. "That friend of
yours who you said would help us."
"Chimp?"
"I believe you referred to him as Chimp. How soon could you get in
touch with him?"
"Right away, brother."
Mr. Carmody objected to being called brother, but this was no time for
being finicky.
"Send for him at once."
"Why, have you given up the idea of getting that stuff out of the house
yourself?"
"Entirely," said Mr. Carmody. He shuddered slightly. "I have been
thinking the matter over very carefully, and I feel that this is an
affair where we require the services of some third party. Where is this
friend of yours? In London?"
"No. He's right around the corner. His name's Twist. He runs a sort of
health-farm place only a few miles from here."
"God bless my soul! Healthward Ho?"
"That's the spot. Do you know it?"
"Why, I have only just returned from there."
Mr. Molloy was conscious of a feeling of almost incredulous awe. It
was the sort of feeling which would come to a man who saw miracles
happening all around him. He could hardly believe that things could
possibly run as smoothly as they appeared to be doing. He had
anticipated a certain amount of difficulty in selling Chimp Twist to
Mr. Carmody, as he phrased it to himself, and had looked forward with
not a little apprehension to a searching inquisition into Chimp Twist's
_bona fides_. And now, it seemed, Mr. Carmody knew Chimp personally and
was, no doubt, prepared to receive him without a question. Could luck
like this hold? That was the only thought that disturbed Mr. Molloy.
"Well, isn't that interesting!" he said slowly. "So you know my old
friend Twist, do you?"
"Yes," said Mr. Carmody, speaking, however, as if the acquaintanceship
were not one to which he looked back with any pleasure. "I know him
very well."
"Fine!" said Mr. Molloy. "You see, if I thought we were getting in
somebody you knew nothing about and felt you couldn't trust, it would
sort of worry me."
Mr. Carmody made no comment on this evidence of his guest's nice
feeling. He was meditating and did not hear it. What he was meditating
on was the agreeable fact that money which he had been trying so vainly
to recover from Doctor Twist would not be a dead loss after all. He
could write if off as part of the working expenses of this little
venture. He beamed happily at Mr. Molloy.
"Healthward Ho is on the telephone," he said. "Go and speak to Doctor
Twist now and ask him to come over here at once." He hesitated for a
moment, then came bravely to a decision. After all, whatever the cost
in petrol, oil, and depreciation of tires, it was for a good object.
More working expenses. "I will send my car for him," he said.
If you wish to accumulate, you must inevitably speculate, felt Mr.
Carmody.