The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the
railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention
of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in
connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the
year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.
1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst
the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not
apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on
to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.
2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty
minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.
3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these
officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only.
During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may
suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue
running by day and by night as heretofore.
4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them.
He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order
one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The
child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.
5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine should never sleep at
the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to
prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.
6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a
station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express
is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling
stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class
passengers.
7. The _debris_ of a train should be removed from the rails before an
express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken
place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to
the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.
8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their
places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly
requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as
the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices
charged to the public for excursion tickets.
9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on
the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.
10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to
leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the
waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into
surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted
with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra
charge will be made to passengers using them.
11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility
conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will
expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind)
any director convicted of travelling by any railway.
* * * * *
[Illustration: ABOLITION OF SECOND-CLASS CARRIAGES
"Are there any second-class carriages on this line, Rogers?"
"No, my lord."
"Ah! then take two first-class tickets, and two third."
"Beg pardon, my lord! But is me and Mrs. Parker expected to go third
class?"
"Gracious heavens! No, Rogers! not for the world! The third-class
tickets are for my lady and me!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: The old lady is supposed (after a great effort) to have
made up her mind to travel, just for once, by one "of those new fangled
railways," and the first thing she beholds on arriving at the station,
is the above most alarming placard.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "TIME BY THE FORELOCK"!
_Dodger._ "Hullo, how are you! Can't stop, though, or I shan't miss my
train!"
_Codger._ "Catch it, you mean."
_Dodger._ "No, I don't. I always used to miss my right train, so now I
always miss the one before it, and get home in time for dinner! Ta,
ta!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: APRIL 1
_Mamma._ "Oh, I am so glad to meet you, professor. You _know
everything_. Do tell me what time the train that stops nowhere starts."
[_For once the professor is not ready._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: UNNECESSARY REMARKS
"What! Have you missed it?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "OVERCAST"
They were out for a day in the country--were late at the station--he
left it to her to take the tickets--a horrid crowd--frightfully hot--and
she was hustled and flustered considerably when she reached the
carriage.
_He (cool and comfortable)._ "How charming the yellow gorse----"
_She (in a withering tone)._ "You didn't 'xpect to see it blue, I
s'ppose!"
[_Tacet!_]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A DELIGHTFUL REMINISCENCE OF THE BOAT-RACE
_Sweep (to a carriage full of light blue ribbons)._ "Won't yer make room
for a little 'un, ladies and gents? I'm for the Cambridge lot!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PRIVILEGES OF HIGH RANK
_Railway Gatesman._ "It's agin the rules, my lady, openin' o' the gate
like this; but it ain't for the likes o' me to keep yer _ladyship_ a
waitin'."
_Noble Countess._ "Why is it against the rules, my good man?"
_Railway Gatesman._ "Well, my lady, the 5.17 down express has been doo
these ten minutes!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE NEWS"
_Season-Ticket Holder (airily)._ "'Morning, station-master. Anything
fresh?"
_Station-Master ("bit of a wag")._ "N-no, sir, not that I've----
ah!--yes--now I think of it, sir--that's fresh paint you're leaning
agai----!"
[_Violent pas seul, with language to match._]
* * * * *