_Tuesday, July 31, 1849._--Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to
Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked
more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do
think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid
and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her
though I do not care 2_d._ about her! But am mightily troubled to know
whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat
uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and
vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me
altogether _L_6 2_s._ 6_d._ To the Great Western station in a cab, by
reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and
bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone
there for 2_s._ 6_d._ less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the
first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and
the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it
is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the
carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle
off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty
lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my
wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for
her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us,
I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the _Times_, till one got in at
Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with
him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by
gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains
and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage,
and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do
mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So
to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment,
and there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite,
notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the
refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling,
and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served
first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a
veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a
mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout!
Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a
start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half
of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the
train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of
a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of
railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world
altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and
to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but
thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon
station.
* * * * *
[Illustration: NARCISSUS
_Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a lady-killer)._ "Oh, I'm
not going into that empty carriage; put me into one with some pretty
gals."
Porter. "You jump in, sir, and put yer 'ead out of the winder, you'll
soon have a carriage-full."
[Podgers sees it immediately, and enters.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lionel (to his rich uncle's coachman, who has driven him
over to the station)._ "And look here, Sawyer, give the governor this
accidental insurance ticket with my love. I haven't forgotten him, and
if anything happens to me, there's a thousand pounds for him!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"
_Guest._ "It's very kind of you to----"
_Hosts._ "Oh, we should not have felt comfortable unless we'd come with
you, and--seen the last of you----!!"]
* * * * *
SMALL POTATOES.--_Q._ Why are regular travellers by the Shepherd's Bush
and City Railway like certain vegetables?
_A._ Because they're "Tubers."
* * * * *
[Illustration: INOPPORTUNE
_Newsboy (to irritable old gent who has just lost his train)._ "Buy a
comic paper, sir?"
[_Luckily, the old gentleman was out of breath from his hurry._]
* * * * *