_The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner,
next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an
Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner._
_The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family)._ Sorry to disturb you, mum,
but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.
_The L. of F._???!!!
_The E. M. (considerately)._ Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no
intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat.
_The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.)._ I think I've seen you about
Shinglebeach, 'ave I not?
_The L. of F._ It is very possible. I have been staying with some
friends in the neighbourhood.
_The C. W._ It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but
(_confidentially_) don't you think it's a very sing'ler thing that in a
place like that--a fash'nable place, too--there shouldn't be a single
'am an' beef shop?
_The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the
question)._ What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, _dear_
me! No ham and beef shop!
_The C. W._ It's so indeed, mum; and what's more, as I dare say you've
noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever
so, there isn't a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment's
notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that?
_The L. of F. (faintly)._ I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation.
_A Sententious Man._ Fried fish is very sustaining.
[_Relapses into silence for the remainder of journey._
_The Eccentric Man._ Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was
kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad
'em boiled, and they'd last us days. (_Sentimentally._) He was a kind
man, my father (_to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly_), though you
wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't say, mind yer, that he
wasn't fond of his bit o' booze--(_the L. of F. looks out of
window_)--like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I
am--if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (_Hands that document
round for inspection._) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (_To the L.
of F._) Don't give it back before you've done with it--I'm in no 'urry,
and there's good reading in it. (_Points out certain favourite passages
with a very dirty forefinger._) Begin there--_that's_ my name.
[_The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she
can bring herself to assume._
_The Eccentric Man._ D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there?
That's the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went
to see her last week, I did. (_Relates his visit in detail to the L. of
F., who listens unwillingly._) It's wonderful how many of our family
have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died
cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days
when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything at
all out of the way, you'll know what it is.
[_L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage
are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from
his Fiancee as the L. of F. takes her seat._
_The Fiance._ Excuse me one moment, ma'am.
(_Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window._)
Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself.
_The Fiancee (with a hysterical giggle)._ Oh, I'll take care o' _my_
self.
[_Looks at the roof of the carriage._
_He (with meaning)._ No more pickled onions, eh?
_She._ What a one you are to remember things! (_After a pause._) Give my
love to Joe.
_He._ All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (_they embrace
loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of
mingled sentiment and complacency_). Oh, (_to L. of F._) if you don't
mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between
this and Friday, just tell him as----
[_Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses;_
_Final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiance upon
the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar
significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who
is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds
with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the
rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiance._
_The F._ Thankee I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you----
[_Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to
hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it
on. The L. of F. recoils in horror._
_Both Seafarers (reassuringly)._ It's _wine_, mum!
[_Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class
humanity has its drawbacks._
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus)._
"What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"
_Porter._ "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their
train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BRANCH STATION
_Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially
since the late outrages)._ "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where
there are ladies, or respectable people, or----"
_Porter._ "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only
passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A COOL CARD
_Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party)._ "Aw--would
you--aw--do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while
we're wunning down?--I've--aw--forgotten my eyeglass. Don't mind waising
your voice--I'm pwecious deaf!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS!
_Boy._ "Second-class, sir?"
_Captain._ "I nevah travel second-class!"
_Boy._ "This way third, sir!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: ART!
_Chatty Passenger._ "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o'
mine,--lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,--give the horder to one of
'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!--'spare no
expense!--with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know
what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe
it!--after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at
all!--but done by 'and!"--(_with withering contempt_)--"done by 'and,
sir!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER
(_Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years!_)
_First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing)._ "I saw
poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things,
what will be done for 'em?" _Second Shunter (at points)._ "Oh, the usual
thing, I s'ppose--company's blessin', and a charity mangle!----Look
out, mate! She's backin'!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BEHIND TIME
_Ticket Collector._ "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf
ticket!" _Mother (down upon him)._ "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now,
mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many
hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!"
[_Exit in triumph._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "FORCE OF HABIT"
_Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of
the beadle)._ "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: WHY TAKE A CHILL?
If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as
Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at
your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as
they did--warm as muffins!]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Railway Porter._ "Now then, sir! by your leave!"]
* * * * *