For Joan certainly was no ordinary girl; some called her backward, some
considered her deficient, but all agreed that she was singular.
Yet all liked her. Tall, slim and fair, with plenty of golden hair and
eyes of merry brightness, she was out of the common in an attractive sort
of way. Tom, her brother, with the mind of a solicitor's clerk, looked
down upon her; her mother, fond, conventional, socially ambitious,
despaired of her; her father alone held the opinion, 'There's something in
that girl. She's always herself. But town-life over-weights and hides
her; and in the end will suffocate. It'll snuff her out. She's meant for
country.' He was aware of something unusually real in her. They were
great friends. 'I want more air,' she had said once. 'In a field or
garden I'd grow enormous like a bean plant. In these streets I'm just a
stone squashed down by crowds. I'm in a hole and can't breathe. I prefer
a fewity.' Even her words were her own like this. 'I'd like room to
dance in. Life is a dance. I'd learn it in a field. I'd be a bird
girl.' Space was her need, for mind as well as body.
It was her father's secret ambition too: a cottage, a garden with things
that grew silently into beauty, flowers, vegetables, plants; sweet
laughing winds; the rush of living rain at midnight; water to drink from a
deep, cool spring instead of from metal pipes; a large, inviting horizon
in which a man might lose himself; and above all--birds.
'After a month in real private country--loose country, talking, dancing,
running country----' She paused.
'Liquid, fluid, as it were,' he put in, delighted.
'Yes, deep and clear as a river,' she went on, 'in country like that, do
you know what'd happen to me, father, after a few months of waiting?'
'I know, but I can't quite say,' he answered. 'Tell me, child, for I'd
love to hear your own description.'
'I'd fly,' was her answer. 'Everything in me would fly about like a bird,
picking up things, and all over the place at once without a plan--a fixed,
heavy plan like a street or square in London here--and yet getting on all
the time--getting further.'
'And how would you learn, dear?'
'Birds,' she laughed. 'There's bird-teaching, I'm sure.' She flitted
across to another chair as she said it. She came closer to her father,
who was listening with both ears, watching, drinking in something he had
known long ago and then forgotten. '_You_ know all about it, Daddy.
You needn't pretend.'
'You're rather like one, d'you know,' he smiled. 'Like a bird, I mean.'
He thought of a dabchick that hides so cleverly no one can put it up--
then, suddenly, is there, close at hand.
She was perched on his knee before he knew it. Her small voice twittered
on into his ear. Something about her sparkled, flashed and vanished, and
it reminded him of sunshine on swift-fluttering wings through the speckled
shade of an orchard. She darted, whirred, and came to rest. He stroked
her.
'Father, you know everything before I say it,' she went on, her face
shining with happiness that made her almost beautiful. 'If I could only
live like a bird, I could _live_. Here it's all a big, stuffy cage.'
She flitted to the window, pointing to roofs and walls and chimney-pots,
black with grime. The same instant she was back again upon his knees.
'To live like a bird is to be alive all over, I'm sure, I'm sure.
I know it. It's all routing here.'
Whether she meant rotten, routine, or living in a rut, he did not ask.
He felt her meaning.
'There's a nest in a garden waiting for us somewhere,' he said, living the
dream with her in his heart. 'And it's got an orchard, high deep grass,
wild flowers, hills in the distance, with a tremendous sky where the winds
go tearing about like the flight of birds. And a stream that ripples and
sings and shines. All alive, I mean, and always moving. They say the
country's stagnation. It isn't. It's a perfect rush----'
'Of course,' she put in. 'Oh, father, think hard about that place, and
we'll attract it nearer and nearer, till in the end we drop into it and
grow like----'
'Beans,' he laughed.
'Birds,' she rippled, and hopped from his knee across the room, and was
down the passage and out of sight before he could draw another breath.
There was something alert as lightning in the girl. She woke a similar
thing in him, too. It had nothing to do with brain as intellect, or with
reason, or with knowledge in the ordinary sense the world gives to these
words. But it had to do, he dimly felt, with another bigger thing that
was everywhere and in everything. Joan shared it, brought it nearer; it
was universal. What that bigger thing might be perplexed him. He was
aware that it drove past, alertness in so huge a thing conveying the
impression of vast power. There was grandeur in it somewhere, poise,
dignity, beauty; yet this subtle alertness too, and this swift protean
sparkle. It was towering as a night of stars, alluring as a peeping
wildflower, but prodigious also as though all the oceans flowed suddenly
between narrow banks in a flood of clearest water, very rapid,
terrifyingly deep. For a robe it wore the lustrous colouring of untold
age. His imagery, when he tried to visualise it, grew mixed. He called
it Experience. But sometimes he told himself he knew its Christian name--
its familiar, little, intimate nickname--and that was Wisdom.
And so he was rather glad that Joan, like himself, was but half educated;
that she was backward, and that he knew, relatively, only the outsides of
books. For facts, he vaguely felt, might come between them and this
august yet precious thing they knew together. Birds could teach it, but
Ornithology hid it.
Lately, however, as his wife divined, he had been dipping in between the
covers of the goods he travelled in. Caught by the bait of several
drugging titles, he had nibbled--in the train, in waiting-rooms, in the
'parlours' of commercial hotels where he put up for the night.
He had found names and descriptions of various things, but they were the
names and descriptions given by others to their own sensations.
The ordered classification merely developed snapshots. He recognised
photographs of dead things that he knew must be somewhere--alive.
The names made stationary what ought to dance along with incessant
movement. Only he did not realise this until he saw the photographs.
The alleged accuracy of a photograph was an insolent falsehood, pretending
that what was alive was dead, that what rushed was stationary. Dogs and
savages cannot recognise the photographs of their masters.
The resemblance has to be taught. Everything flows, his shilling
_Heraclitus_ told him. He had always known it. Birds taught it.
Joan lived it. To classify was to photograph--a prevarication.
To publish a snapshot of a jumping horse was to teach what is not true.
Definitions were trivial and absurd, for what was true to-day was false
to-morrow. The sole value of names, of classification, of photographing
lay in stopping life for an instant so that its flow might be realised--as
a momentary stage in an incessant process. And he looked at a group of
acquaintances his wife had 'Kodaked' ten days ago, and realised with
delight how they all had rushed away, torn on ahead, lived, since she had
told that insignificant lie in black and white about them.
Joan, catching him in the act of destroying it, had said, 'I know why
you're doing that, father.'
'Why?' he asked, half ashamed and half surprised.
'Because you don't want to stop them,' was her answer, 'and because it
wasn't fair of mother to catch them in the act like that. It wasn't all.'
And as he stared at her curious peeping face, she came quickly up to him,
saying passionately, imploringly:
'Oh, do let's get into the country soon, and live along with it, and grow
and know things. I feel so stuck still here, and always caught-in-the-act
like that photo. It's so dead. It's a toad of a place! The streets are
all nailed down on to the ground. In the country they run about----'
He interrupted her on purpose:
'But in a city life is supposed to be much richer than in the country,' he
said. 'You know that?'
'It goes round and round like a circle, though; it doesn't go _on_.
I'm living other people's lives here. I want to live my own. Everybody
here lives the same thing over and over again till they get so hot they
get ill. I want to be cool and naked like a fern. Here I'm being
photographed all day long. Every man who looks at me takes a photograph.
Oh, father, I'm so tired of it. Do let's go soon and live hoppily like
the birds.'
'You mean happily?' he asked, laughing with her.
'It's the same thing,' she laughed back, 'it's like wings or running
water--always going wherever they are----
[Transcriber's note: Here 8 bars of a musical score accompany 6 lines of
verse]
Flow, fly, flow,
Wher-ev-er I am I go
I live on the run,
Like a bird--that's fun!
Flow, fly, flow . . .
And was dancing to and fro over the carpet, when the door opened and in
came her brother Tom, followed by another youth.
He looked surprised, ashamed, then vexed. It was Saturday afternoon.
He had been six months now in the office.
'I've brought Mr. Halliday with me,' he said pompously, 'to have tea.
We've just been to a matinee at the Coliseum. Joan, this is Mr. Halliday,
our junior clerk. My sister, Harold.'
Joan instantly looked gauche and ugly. She shook hands with a speckled
youth, whose shy want of manners did not prevent his eyeing her all over.
He sat down beside his friend, talking of the singing, dancing, juggling
and so on that they had witnessed. All the time he talked at something
else in her. But she hid it away as cleverly as a bird hides its nest.
The callow youth, without realising it, was hunting for a nest. In the
country he might have found it. He would have been sunburned, for one
thing, instead of speckled. The wind, the rain, the starlight would have
guided him. His natural instinct would have flowed out in a dance of
spontaneous running movement, easy, graceful, clean. Here, however, it
seemed rigid, ugly, diseased. He was living the life of others.
'You were dancing just as we came in,' observed Mr. Halliday. 'Does that
line of things attract you? You are going on the stage, perhaps?'
Joan looked past him out of the window, and saw the swallows flashing
about the sky.
'I _can_ dance,' she replied, 'but not on a stage.'
'But you'd be a great success, I think, from what I saw,' opined the
junior clerk. And somehow he said it unpleasantly. His tone half
undressed her.
She didn't flush, she didn't stammer, at first she didn't answer even.
She watched the swallows a moment, as though she had not heard him.
'You only stare, you don't watch and enjoy,' she said suddenly, turning
upon him. 'And an audience like that. . .!' She stopped, got up from her
chair, put her head out of the open window and gazed into the air above.
When she turned back, she saw that her mother had come in and was leading
the others into the dining-room for tea. Her father's face wore a
singular expression--it seemed, of exultation. Tom, black as a
thunder-cloud, waited for her.
'You're nothing but a little barbarian,' he said angrily under his breath.
The life of others he led had been sorely wounded. 'I can never bring Mr.
Halliday here again. You're simply not a lady.'
'I'm a bird,' she laughed in his face. 'And you men can never understand
that, because no man has a bird in him, but only a creepy, crawly animal.
We go on two legs, you on four.'
'I'm ashamed of you, Joan. You're nothing but a savage.' He snapped at
her. He could have smacked her. His face was flushed, but his neck thin,
scraggy, white. He looked starved and twisted. 'In the City we----' he
began with a clown's dignity.
'Live like rats in a drain,' she interrupted quickly, perched a moment on
her toes in front of his face. 'You don't breathe or dance. Tom,' she
added with a gesture of her arms like flapping wings, 'if you were alive,
you'd be--a mole. But you're not. You're a lot of other people.
You're a herd--always enclosed and always feeding.'
She danced down the corridor and into her room, locked the door, slipped
out of some tight clothing, and began to sing her bird-song of incessant
movement:
Flow! Fly! Flow!
Wherever I _am_ I _go_;
I live on the run
Like the birds--it's fun!
Flow, fly, flow. . . .
She sang it to a tiny, uneven, twittering melody that was made up of half
notes. It went on and on, repeating itself without end. It seemed to
have no real end at all.