I have just had a sad adventure, which will drive me away from here. I
lose all patience!—Death!—It is not to be remedied; and you alone are
to blame, for you urged and impelled me to fill a post for which I was
by no means suited. I have now reason to be satisfied, and so have you!
But, that you may not again attribute this fatality to my impetuous
temper, I send you, my dear sir, a plain and simple narration of the
affair, as a mere chronicler of facts would describe it.
The Count of O— likes and distinguishes me. It is well known, and I have
mentioned this to you a hundred times. Yesterday I dined with him. It is
the day on which the nobility are accustomed to assemble at his house
in the evening. I never once thought of the assembly, nor that we
subalterns did not belong to such society. Well, I dined with the count;
and, after dinner, we adjourned to the large hall. We walked up and down
together: and I conversed with him, and with Colonel B—, who joined us;
and in this manner the hour for the assembly approached. God knows, I
was thinking of nothing, when who should enter but the honourable Lady
accompanied by her noble husband and their silly, scheming daughter,
with her small waist and flat neck; and, with disdainful looks and a
haughty air they passed me by. As I heartily detest the whole race,
I determined upon going away; and only waited till the count had
disengaged himself from their impertinent prattle, to take leave, when
the agreeable Miss B— came in. As I never meet her without experiencing
a heartfelt pleasure, I stayed and talked to her, leaning over the
back of her chair, and did not perceive, till after some time, that she
seemed a little confused, and ceased to answer me with her usual ease
of manner. I was struck with it. "Heavens!" I said to myself, "can she,
too, be like the rest?" I felt annoyed, and was about to withdraw; but I
remained, notwithstanding, forming excuses for her conduct, fancying she
did not mean it, and still hoping to receive some friendly recognition.
The rest of the company now arrived. There was the Baron F—, in an
entire suit that dated from the coronation of Francis I.; the Chancellor
N—, with his deaf wife; the shabbily-dressed I—, whose old-fashioned
coat bore evidence of modern repairs: this crowned the whole.
I conversed with some of my acquaintances, but they answered me
laconically. I was engaged in observing Miss B—, and did not notice
that the women were whispering at the end of the room, that the murmur
extended by degrees to the men, that Madame S— addressed the count with
much warmth (this was all related to me subsequently by Miss B—); till
at length the count came up to me, and took me to the window. "You know
our ridiculous customs," he said. "I perceive the company is rather
displeased at your being here. I would not on any account—" "I beg
your excellency's pardon!" I exclaimed. "I ought to have thought of
this before, but I know you will forgive this little inattention. I was
going," I added, "some time ago, but my evil genius detained me." And I
smiled and bowed, to take my leave. He shook me by the hand, in a manner
which expressed everything. I hastened at once from the illustrious
assembly, sprang into a carriage, and drove to M—. I contemplated the
setting sun from the top of the hill, and read that beautiful passage in
Homer, where Ulysses is entertained by the hospitable herdsmen. This was
indeed delightful.
I returned home to supper in the evening. But few persons were assembled
in the room. They had turned up a corner of the table-cloth, and were
playing at dice. The good-natured A— came in. He laid down his hat when
he saw me, approached me, and said in a low tone, "You have met with
a disagreeable adventure." "I!" I exclaimed. "The count obliged you to
withdraw from the assembly!" "Deuce take the assembly!" said I. "I was
very glad to be gone." "I am delighted," he added, "that you take it
so lightly. I am only sorry that it is already so much spoken of." The
circumstance then began to pain me. I fancied that every one who sat
down, and even looked at me, was thinking of this incident; and my heart
became embittered.
And now I could plunge a dagger into my bosom, when I hear myself
everywhere pitied, and observe the triumph of my enemies, who say that
this is always the case with vain persons, whose heads are turned with
conceit, who affect to despise forms and such petty, idle nonsense.
Say what you will of fortitude, but show me the man who can patiently
endure the laughter of fools, when they have obtained an advantage over
him. 'Tis only when their nonsense is without foundation that one can
suffer it without complaint.
March 16.
Everything conspires against me. I met Miss B— walking to-day. I could
not help joining her; and, when we were at a little distance from her
companions, I expressed my sense of her altered manner toward me. "O
Werther!" she said, in a tone of emotion, "you, who know my heart, how
could you so ill interpret my distress? What did I not suffer for you,
from the moment you entered the room! I foresaw it all, a hundred times
was I on the point of mentioning it to you. I knew that the S——s and
T——s, with their husbands, would quit the room, rather than remain in
your company. I knew that the count would not break with them: and
now so much is said about it." "How!" I exclaimed, and endeavoured to
conceal my emotion; for all that Adelin had mentioned to me yesterday
recurred to me painfully at that moment. "Oh, how much it has already
cost me!" said this amiable girl, while her eyes filled with tears.
I could scarcely contain myself, and was ready to throw myself at her
feet. "Explain yourself!" I cried. Tears flowed down her cheeks. I
became quite frantic. She wiped them away, without attempting to conceal
them. "You know my aunt," she continued; "she was present: and in
what light does she consider the affair! Last night, and this morning,
Werther, I was compelled to listen to a lecture upon my acquaintance
with you. I have been obliged to hear you condemned and depreciated; and
I could not—I dared not—say much in your defence."
Every word she uttered was a dagger to my heart. She did not feel what a
mercy it would have been to conceal everything from me. She told me, in
addition, all the impertinence that would be further circulated, and how
the malicious would triumph; how they would rejoice over the punishment
of my pride, over my humiliation for that want of esteem for others with
which I had often been reproached. To hear all this, Wilhelm, uttered by
her in a voice of the most sincere sympathy, awakened all my passions;
and I am still in a state of extreme excitement. I wish I could find a
man to jeer me about this event. I would sacrifice him to my resentment.
The sight of his blood might possibly be a relief to my fury. A hundred
times have I seized a dagger, to give ease to this oppressed heart.
Naturalists tell of a noble race of horses that instinctively open a
vein with their teeth, when heated and exhausted by a long course, in
order to breathe more freely. I am often tempted to open a vein, to
procure for myself everlasting liberty.