_Twenty-sixth trial of the Ring._
The rambling Toy.
While the favorite and Selim were reposing after the fatigues of the
preceding day, Mangogul was viewing with astonishment the magnificent
appartments of Cypria. This woman had, by means of her Toy, made a
fortune equal to that of a general farmer of the revenue. After having
been through a long row of chambers, each surpassing the other in
richness and elegance of furniture, he came to the great salon; where,
in the midst of a numerous circle, he distinguished the mistress of
the house by the enormous quantity of jewels, which disfigured her;
and her husband, by the good-manship painted on his countenance.
Two _Abbés_, a wit, and three academicians of Banza, were posted at
the sides of Cypria's easy chair; and towards the end of the salon
fluttered about two _Petits-Maitres_, and a young magistrate full
of airs, blowing on his ruffles, incessantly adjusting his peruke,
visiting his mouth, and complimenting himself in the glass that his
paint held on so well. Except these three butterflies, all the company
was in profound veneration for the honorable mummy, who was seated in
an indecent posture, yawned, spoke while she yawned, judged of every
thing, judged ill of every thing, and was never contradicted. "How,"
said Mangogul within himself, who had not talked alone of a long time,
and was chagrined at it; "how came she to have it in her power to
dishonor a man of a good family, with so wrong a turn of mind, and
such a figure as she makes?" Cypria would fain pass for fair; tho' her
skin, tawney striped with red, had a good resemblance with a variegated
Tulip. With large eyes, she was short-sighted; she was of a squat
shape, crowded features, with a long slender nose, a flat mouth, hollow
cheeks, and a narrow forehead; no neck, a dry hand, and skinny arm.
With those charms it was, that she inchanted her husband. The Sultan
turn'd his ring on her, and instantly she began to open. The company
were deceived, thinking that Cypria spoke from her mouth, and that she
was going to pass judgment: whereas her Toy began in these words.
"The history of my travels. I was born in Morocco, in the year
17000000012; and I danced on the stage of the opera, when Mehemet
Tripathoud, who kept me, was named ambassador extraordinary from our
potent emperor to the monarch France. I followed him in this ambassy.
The charms of the French women soon robbed me of my lover; and I
speedily made reprisals. The courtiers greedy of novelty, would needs
try Maroquine: for thus they nick-named my mistress. She treated them
with great humanity; and her affability in six months brought her in
twenty thousand crowns in jewels, as much more in cash, and a neat well
furnished house. But the French are fickle, and I soon ceased to be in
fashion. I did not mispend my time in galloping about the provinces:
great talents require vast theatres. I suffered Tripathoud to return
without me; and I devoted myself to the metropolis of another kingdom.
"Un my lord tres opulent, qui voyageoit en France, m'entraina a
Londres. Oui, c'etoit la vraiment un homme. Il m'arrosoit six fois
par jour, et six autres fois par nuit. Son v--t lancoit des dards de
feu, comme la queue d'une Comete. Jamais n'ai-je ressenti des bottes
si vives et si bien appliquées. Mais il n'etoit pas possible à la
prouesse humaine de continuer ce train long tems: aussi se rallentit-il
peu à peu, et je recus son ame distillée par son _Penis_. Il me fit
present de cinquante mil guinées. A ce noble Seigneur succederent
deux amateurs nouvellement revenus de course. Comme ils etoient amis
intimes, ils me chevauchoient, comme ils avoient voyagés, en compagnie;
chacun faisant tous ses efforts pour surpasser l'autre en vigeur et en
feu. Pendant que l'un etoit a la rade, je remorqueois l'autre par son
v--t, et je le preparois à une nouvelle attaque. Par un calcul tres
moderé je contai cent quatre-vingt coups de balles, que je recus en
huit jours. Mais je m'ennuiai bientot de tenir un compte si exacte: car
leurs bordées ne finissoient pas. Ils me payerent douze mil guinées
pour ma part des captures qu'ils avaient faites. Dés que l'hiver fut
passé, ils furent contraints de mettre à la voile; et ils auroient bien
voulu m'engager en qualité d'Allege: mais j'avois deja fait contract
avec un Comte Allemand.
"Duxit me Viennam in Austria patriam suam, ubi venereâ voluptate,
quantâ maximâ poteram, ingurgitatus sum, per menses tres integros ejus
splendidè nimis epulatus hospes. Illi, rugosi et contracti Lotharingo
more colei, et eo usque longa crassaque mentula, ut dimidiam nondum
acciperem, quamvis iterato coitu fractus rictus mihi miserè pateret.
Immanem ast usu frequenti vagina tandem admisit laxè gladium; novasque
excogitavimus artes, quibus fututionum quotidianaram vinceremus
fastidium. Modò me resupinum agitabat; modò ipsum, eques adhærescens
inguinibus, motu quasi tolutario versabam. Sæpe turgentem spumantemque
admovit ori priapum, simulque appressis ad labia labiis, fellatrice
me linguâ perfricuit. Etsi veneri nunquam indulgebat posticæ, à tergo
me tamen adorsus, cruribus altera sublato, altera depresso, inter
femora subibat, voluptaria quærens per impedimenta transire. Amatoria
Sanchesii præcepta calluit ad unguem, et festivas Aretini tabulas
sic expressit, ut nemo melius. His a me laudibus acceptis, multis
florenorum millibus mea solvit obsequia, et Romam secessi.
"Quella Citta è il tempio de Venere, ed il soggiorno delle delizie.
Tuttavia mi dispiaceva, que le natiche leggiadre sossero là encora più
festeggiate delle più belle potte; quello che provai il terno giorno
del mio arrivo in quel paese. Una Cortigiana illustre si offerisce a
farmi guadagnare mila scudi, s'io voleva passar la sera con esso lei in
una vigna. Accettai l'invito; salimmo in una carozza, e giungemmo in un
luogo da lei ben conosciuto, nel quale due cavaliere colle braghenesse
rosse si fecero incontro à noi, e ci condussero in un boschetto spesso
e solto, dove cavatosi subito le vesti, vedemmo i più furiosi cazzi
che risaltero mai. Ogn'uno chiavò la sua. Il trastullo poi si prese
à quadrille, dopo per farsi guattare in bocca, poscia nelle tette;
alla perfine, uno de chiavatori impadronissi del mio rivale, mentro
l'altro mi lavorava. L'istesso fu fatto alla conduttrice mia; e ciò
tutto dolcemente condito di bacci alla fiorentina. E quando i campioni
nostri ebbero posto fine alla battaglia, facemmo la fricardella per
risvegliar il gusto a quei benedetti Signori, i quali ci pagarono con
generosita. In più volte simili guadagnai con loro sessanta mila scudi;
e due altre volte tanto, con colloro che mi proccurava la Cortigiana.
Mi ricordo di uno che visitava mi spesso, e che sborrava sempre due
volte senza cavarlo; e d'un altro il quale usciva da me pian piano, per
entrare sotilmente nel mio vicino; e per questo bastava fare sù e giù
le natiche. Ecco una uzanza curiosa che si prattica in Italia."
Cypria's Toy continued her history; in a strain half Congese and half
Spanish. In all probability it was not a sufficient master of the
latter language, to employ it alone. "A language is not learnt," says
the African author, who would sooner hang himself, than miss a common
observation, "without talking it much:" and Cypria's Toy had little or
no time to talk at Madrid.
"I fled from Italy," said the Toy, "notwithstanding some secret desires
that called me back, influxo malo del clima! y tuve luego la resolucion
de ir me a una tierra donde pudiesse gozar mis fueros, sin partir los
con un usurpador. I travelled into old Castille, where I was brought
back to my simple functions: but this did not gratify my revenge. Le
impuse la tarea de batter el compas en los bayles che celebrava de
dia y de noche; and he performed so well, that we were reconciled.
We appear'd at the court of Madrid as good friends. Al entrar de la
ciudad, I link'd con un Pape venerable por sus canas: happily for me:
for he had compassion for my youth, and gave me a secret, the fruit of
sixty years experience, para guardar me del mal de que merecieron los
Franceses ser padrinos, por haver sido sus primeros pregones. With this
receipt, and a relish for cleanliness, which I vainly endeavoured to
introduce in Spain, I preserved myself from all accidents at Madrid,
where my vanity alone was mortified. My mistress, you know, has a
very little foot. Esta prenda es el incentivo mas poderoso de una
imaginacion Castellana. A little foot, serves for a pasport at Madrid
to a girl, que tiene la mas dilatada fima entre las piernas. I resolved
to quit a country, where I owed the greatest part of my triumphs to a
foreign merit; y me arrime a un definidor muy virtuoso que passava a
las Indias. Under the wings of his reverence I saw the land of promise,
that country where the happy mortal without scandal carries gold in
his purse, a ponyard under his girdle, and his mistress behind him.
How delightful a life is spent there! What nights! Gods, what nights!
Hay de mi! al recordarme de tantos gustos me méo----Algo mas----Ya,
ya---Pierdo il sentido----Me muero----
"After spending a year at Madrid, and in America, I embarked for
Constantinople. There I could not relish the customs of a people, by
whom Toys are lock'd up; and I soon quitted a country, in which my
liberty was in danger. However, I practised sufficiently with the
Mussulmans, to perceive that they are much improved by their commerce
with the Europeans: and I found in them the levity of the French, the
ardor of the English, the strength of the Germans, the longanimity
of the Spaniards, together with strong tinctures of the Italian
refinements: in a word, a single Aga is worth a cardinal, four dukes, a
lord, three grandees of Spain, and two German princes.
"From Constantinople I came, as you know, gentlemen, to the court of
the great Erguebzed, where I formed the most amiable of our nobility:
and when at length I became good for nought, I threw myself on that odd
figure there," says the Toy, singling out Cypria's husband by a certain
familiar gesture. "Gods, what a fall!"
The African author closes this chapter with an advertisement to
the ladies, who might be tempted to order a translation of those
parts of the the narrative, where Cypria's Toy expressed itself in
foreign languages. "I should be wanting," says he, "to the duty of
an historian, by suppressing them; and to the respect which I bear
the sex, by preserving them in my work; without acquainting virtuous
ladies, that Cypria's Toy had excessively spoil'd its speech in
travelling, and that its narratives are infinitely more free than any
of the clandestine lectures which it ever made."