Your letter was such a shock to me that I could not answer it
immediately, as I should have wished to do. For that reason I sent you
the brief telegram in reply, the words of which, I am sorry to say, I
must now repeat: "I know nothing about the matter." Lillie has never
spoken a word to me, or made the least allusion in my presence, which
could cause me to suspect such a thing. I think I can truly say that I
never heard her pronounce the name of Director Schlegel.
My first idea was that my cousin had gone out of her mind, and I was
astonished that you--being a medical man--should not have come to the
same conclusion. But on mature consideration (I have thought of nothing
but Lillie for the last two days) I have changed my opinion. I think I
am beginning to understand what has happened, but I beg you to remember
that I alone am responsible for what I am going to say. I am only
dealing with suppositions, nothing more.
Lillie has not broken her marriage vows. Any suspicion of betrayal is
impossible, having regard to her upright and loyal nature. If to you,
and to everybody else, she appeared to be perfectly happy in her married
life, it was because she really was so. I implore you to believe this.
Lillie, who never told even a conventional falsehood, who watched over
her children like an old-fashioned mother, careful of what they read and
what plays they saw, how could she have carried on, unknown to you and
to them, an intrigue with another man? Impossible, impossible, dear
Professor! I do not say that your ears played you false as to the words
she spoke, but you must have put a wrong interpretation upon them.
Not once, but thousands of times, Lillie has spoken to me about you. She
loved and honoured you. You were her ideal as man, husband, and father.
She was proud of you. Having no personal vanity or ambition, like so
many good women, her pride and hopes were all centred in you.
She used literally to become eloquent on the subject of your operations;
and I need hardly remind you how carefully she followed your work. She
studied Latin in order to understand your scientific books, while, in
spite of her natural repulsion from the sight of such things, she
attended your anatomy classes and demonstrations.
When Lillie said, "I love Schlegel, and have loved him for years," her
words did not mean "And all that time my love for you was extinct."
No, Lillie cared for Schlegel and for you too. The whole question is so
simple, and at the same time so complicated.
Probably you are saying to yourself: "A woman must love one man or the
other." With some show of reason, you will argue: "In leaving my house,
at any rate, she proved at the moment that Schlegel alone claimed her
affection."
Nevertheless I maintain that you are wrong.
Lillie showed every sign of a sane, well-balanced nature. Well, her
famous equability and calm deceived us all. Behind this serene exterior
was concealed the most feminine of all feminine qualities--a fanciful,
visionary imagination.
Do you or I know anything about her first girlish dreams? Have you--in
spite of your happy life together--ever really understood her innermost
soul? Forgive my doubts, but I do not think you have. When a man
possesses a woman as completely as you possessed Lillie, he thinks
himself quite safe. You never knew a moment's doubt, or supposed it
possible that, having you, she could wish for anything else. You
believed that you fulfilled all her requirements.
How do you know that for years past Lillie has not felt some longings
and deficiencies in her inner life of which she was barely conscious, or
which she did not understand?
You are not only a clever and capable man; you are kind, and an
entertaining companion; in short, you have many good qualities which
Lillie exalted to the skies. But your nature is not very poetical. You
are, in fact, rather prosaic, and only believe what you see. Your
judgments and views are not hasty, but just and decisive.
Now contrast all this with Lillie's immense indulgence. Whence did she
derive this if not from a sympathetic understanding of things which we
do not possess? You remember how we used to laugh when she defended some
criminal who was quite beyond defence and apology! Something intense and
far-seeking came into her expression on those occasions, and her heart
prompted some line of argument which reason could not support.
She stood all alone in her sympathy, facing us, cold and sceptical
people.
But how she must have suffered!
Then recollect the pleasure it gave her to discuss religious and
philosophical questions. She was not "religious" in the common
acceptation of the word. But she liked to get to the bottom of things,
and to use her imagination. We others were indifferent, or frankly
bored, by such matters.
And Lillie, who was so gentle and lacking in self-assertion, gave way to
us.
Recall, too, her passion for flowers. She felt a physical pang to see
cut flowers with their stalks out of water. Once I saw her buy up the
whole stock-in-trade of a flower-girl, because the poor things wanted
water. Neither you nor your children have any love of flowers. You, as a
doctor, are inclined to think it unhealthy to have plants in your rooms;
consequently there were none, and Lillie never grumbled about it.
Lillie did not care for modern music. César Franck bored her, and Wagner
gave her a headache. Her favourite instrument was an old harpsichord, on
which she played Mozart, while her daughters thundered out Liszt and
Rubinstein upon a concert grand, and you, dear Professor, when in a good
humour, strode about the house whistling horribly out of tune.
Finally, Lillie liked quiet, musical speech, and she was surrounded by
people who talked at the top of their voices.
"Absurd trifles," I can hear you saying. Perhaps. But they explain the
fact that although she was happy in a way, she still had many
aspirations which were not only unsatisfied, but which, without meaning
it unkindly, you daily managed to crush.
Lillie never blamed others. When she found that you did not understand
the things she cared for, she immediately tried to think she was in the
wrong, and her well-balanced nature helped her to conquer her own
predilections.
She was happy because she willed to be happy. Once and for all she had
made up her mind that she was the luckiest woman in existence; happy in
every respect; and she was deeply grateful to you.
But in the depths of her heart--so deeply buried that perhaps it never
rose to the surface even in the form of a dream--lay that secret
something which led to the present misfortune.
I know nothing of her relations with Schlegel, but I think I may venture
to say that they were chiefly limited to intercourse of the soul; and
for that reason they were so fatal.
Have you ever observed the sound of Schlegel's voice? He spoke slowly
and so softly; I can quite believe it attracted your wife in the
beginning; and that afterwards, gradually, and almost imperceptibly, she
gravitated towards him. He possessed so many qualities that she admired
and missed.
The man is now at death's door, and can never explain to us what passed
between them--even admitting that there was anything blameworthy. As far
as I know, Schlegel was quite infatuated with a totally different woman.
Had he really been in love with Lillie, would he have been contented
with a few words and an occasional pressure of her hand? Therefore,
since it is out of the question that your wife can have been unfaithful
to you, I am inclined to think that Schlegel knew nothing of her
feelings for him.
You will reply that in that case it must all be gross exaggeration on
Lillie's part. But you, being a man, cannot understand how little
satisfies a woman when her love is great enough.
Why, then, has Lillie left you, and why does she refuse to give you an
explanation? Why does she allow you to draw the worst conclusions?
I will tell you: Lillie is in love with two men at the same time. Their
different personalities and natures satisfy both sides of her character.
If Schlegel had not fallen from his horse and broken his back, thereby
losing all his faculties, Lillie would have remained with you and
continued to be a model wife and mother. In the same way, had you been
the victim of the accident, she would have clean forgotten Schlegel, and
would have lived and breathed for you alone.
But fate decreed that the misfortune should be his.
Lillie had not sufficient strength to fight the first, sharp anguish.
She was bewildered by the shock, and felt herself suddenly in a false
position. The love on which her imagination had been feeding seemed to
her at the moment the true one. She felt she was betraying you,
Schlegel, and herself; and since self-sacrifice has become the law of
her existence, she was prepared to renounce everything as a proof of her
love.
As to you, Professor Rothe, you have acted very foolishly. You have
done just what any average, conventional man would have done. Your
injured vanity silenced the voice of your heart.
You had the choice of two alternatives: either Lillie was mad, or she
was responsible for her actions. You were convinced that she was quite
sane and was playing you false in cold blood. She wished to leave you;
then let her go. What becomes of her is nothing to you; you wash your
hands of her henceforth.
You write that you have only taken your two elder daughters into your
confidence. How could you have found it in your heart to do this,
instead of putting them off with any explanation rather than the true
one!
Lillie knew you better than I supposed. She knew that behind your
apparent kindness there lurked a cold and self-satisfied nature. She
understood that she would be accounted a stranger and a sinner in your
house the moment you discovered that she had a thought or a sentiment
that was not subordinated to your will.
You have let her go, believing that she had been playing a pretty part
behind your back, and that I was her confidante, and perhaps also the
instigator of her wicked deeds.
Lillie has taken refuge with her children's old nurse.
How significant! Lillie, who has as many friends as either of us, knows
by a subtle instinct that none of them would befriend her in her
misfortune.
If you, Professor, were a large-hearted man, what would you do? You
would explain to the chief doctor at the infirmary Lillie's great wish
to remain near Schlegel until the end comes.
Weigh what I am saying well. Lillie is, and will always remain the same.
She loves you, and such a line of conduct on your part would fill her
with grateful joy. What does it matter if during the few days or weeks
that she is with this poor condemned man, who can neither recognize her,
nor speak, nor make the least movement, you have to put up with some
inconvenience?
If Lillie had your consent to be near Schlegel, she would certainly not
refuse to return to her wifely duties as soon as he was dead. It is
possible that at first she might not be able to hide her grief from you;
then it would be your task to help her win back her peace of mind.
I know something of Schlegel; during the last few years I have seen a
good deal of him. Without being a remarkable personality, there was
something about him that attracted women. They attributed to him all the
qualities which belonged to the heroes of their dreams. Do you
understand me? I can believe that a woman who admired strength and
manliness might see in Schlegel a type of firm, inflexible manhood;
while a woman attracted by tenderness might equally think him capable of
the most yielding gentleness. The secret probably lay in the fact that
this man, who knew so many women, possessed the rare faculty of taking
each one according to her temperament.
Schlegel was a living man; but had he been a portrait, or character in
a novel, Lillie would have fallen in love with him just the same,
because her love was purely of the imagination.
You must do what you please. But one thing I want you to understand: if
you are not going to act in the matter, I shall do so. I willingly
confess that I am a selfish woman; but I am very fond of Lillie, and if
you abandon her in this cruel and clumsy way, I shall have her to live
with me here, and I shall do my best to console her for the loss of an
ungrateful husband and a pack of stupid, indifferent children.
One word more before I finish my letter. Lillie, as far as I can
recollect, is a year older than I am. Could you not--woman's specialist
as you are--have found some explanation in this fact? Had Lillie been
fifty-five or thirty-five, all this would never have happened. I do not
care for strangers to look into my personal affairs, and although you
are my cousin's husband you are practically a stranger to me.
Nevertheless I may remind you that women at our time of life pass
through critical moments, as I know by my daily experiences. The letter
which I have written to you in a cool reasoning spirit might have been
impossible a week or two ago. I should probably have reeled off pages of
incoherent abuse.
Show Lillie that your pretended love was not selfishness pure and
simple.
With kind greetings,
Yours sincerely,
ELSIE LINDTNER.
P.S.--I would rather not answer your personal attacks. I could not have
acted differently and I regret nothing.
* * * * *
To-morrow morning I will get rid of that gardener without fail.
An extra month's wages and money for his journey--whatever is
necessary--so long as he goes.
I wish to sleep in peace and to feel sure that my house is safely locked
up, and I cannot sleep a wink so long as I know he comes to see Torp.
That my cook should have a man in does not shock me, but it annoys me.
It makes me think of things I wish to forget.