WHICH RELATES SEVERAL CURIOUS THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE AFTER THE GREAT
BATTLE OF THE MIRACLE WAS DECIDED; AND ALSO HOW A GREAT QUARREL
AROSE CONCERNING THE GOVERNMENT OF KALORAMA.
"FAITH, gentlemen," said Commander Potter, as with a long pole, his
attendants drew him, besmeared with soft black mud, from the
frog-pond, "though I know not how the battle goes, and am not a bit
bruised in my person, I am much concerned for the damage to my
uniform. My horse I freely forgive, for he is really a trusty
animal. Go then and bring him to me, for though he served me this
dirty trick, my heart will not let me forget his past goodness." And
while a messenger was dispatched in search of the wayward steed, the
general was got to his head-quarters, where a change of raiment so
altered his appearance that when his generals came to announce the
result of the battle scarce one of them recognised him until he
spoke. In truth he was quietly stretched upon a bed, with nothing on
but his breeches, shirt, and night cap. But when they announced to
him the manner in which this great victory was won, he sprang to his
feet, and giving vent to his ecstacy, declared it nothing less than
a miracle. "Faith of my mother!" he exclaimed, placing his hands to
his belly and tossing his head, "now I know that my horse Battle was
preserved to me for a great purpose."
"Aye sir, it is wise of you to say so," replied Broadbottom,
taking him gravely by the hand, "but it is my melancholy duty to
inform you that the poor animal is killed. But it may afford you
consolation to know that he first killed the King and his mule."
This sad news so affected the general that he could with difficulty
restrain his tears. Indeed the words choaked in his throat for
several minutes, and he seemed completely overcome with melancholy.
"You must remember, general," replied Goneti, with a flourish of his
sword, "that it is to this animal we owe the success of our arms."
"I am delighted with this excellent account of my horse," said the
Commander, with regained cheerfulness. "It is true, an accident I
need not describe here, deprived you of the great service I had
intended to bestow upon this battle. If, however, it was by my
horse, then by all all the rules of war, I am entitled to a large
share of the honor. It was a miracle performed by him, gentlemen;
and viewing it in that light, I am consoled for his death, and so
peace be with him."
Broadbottom now stepped forward, in his uniform, and, with a twinkle
of mischief in his eye, replied: "Our Commander has it exactly. And
if it please him, we will have this battle called the Battle of the
Miracle!"
"Faith, general," rejoined Commander Potter, "you have hit my way of
thinking, exactly. Let Stoneheart appear, and I will instruct him
how to record this great victory in the New York newspapers, so that
the whole union be made to dance with joy when it appears."
Stoneheart was not long in appearing before his Commander, who at
once complimented him, though in truth he was in no very sober mood,
on his great proficiency at making the greatest victories ever won
by mortal valor. And although it was said of this Stoneheart that he
was nowhere to be found during the hottest of the fight, he was not
a whit less than a general in his own eyes. Having been enjoined
what to say by his commander, this good man and valiant soldier
betook himself to the preparation of these grandiloquent articles.
As for the commander, he busied himself writing ponderous dispatches
to Glenmoregain, who, satisfied that he had a perfect pearl of a
Commander, as well as the kingdom of Kalorama safe between his
thumbs, forthwith ordered the building of seven more steamships,
since it was no small matter for a great merchant to go about with
two or three kingdoms in his pockets, and not have a navy to protect
them. In truth it must be confessed that Glenmoregain, although an
excellent gentlemen and worthy citizen, was exceedingly loose in his
discretion. Perhaps, however, it is charitable to say that a less
credulous gentleman might have yielded to his enthusiasm under the
same circumstances, for Commander Potter declared by the saints that
not only had he been in the flame and fire of every fight, but
killed with his own arm not less than six of the enemy's best
generals, whose heads he would send him by the next mail.
And now the allies having vanquished the poor Kaloramas, and put the
priests to flight, betook themselves to rioting, and were so elated
at gaining the victory, that they entirely forgot to take possession
of Nezub, and indeed spent three whole days in such pleasant
amusements as hanging the peasantry in the neighborhood, and
pillaging such things as henroosts and beehives. And this strange
apathy on the part of the allies afforded the poor Nezubians an
excellent opportunity for burying their king decently; after which
they vacated their humble homes, with no few sighs and regrets. In
truth many was the heart that beat in sorrow as it passed some
familiar object, and the eye that moistened with tears as it turned
to look back upon those rude cabins wherein was stored all the
recollections of childhood.
The generals having come to their senses on the fourth day, formed
their army, and suddenly remembering that it would be in accordance
with the usages of war to demand a capitulation, dispatched an
officer with a flag of truce. But on entering the town he found it
deserted, even to the dogs; while the priests, as if to leave traces
of their mission along the lonely streets, had planted them with
crosses. This state of things being reported, Commander Potter, for
want of his favorite horse, mounted a well-starved mule, and placing
himself at the head of his army, entered the town amidst the blowing
of horns and beating of drums, which fully satisfied him that no
greater, or more fortunate commander ever lived. But the army had
not been in possession of the town more than an hour when a great
quarrel arose between Commander Potter and Don Perez Goneti,
touching the right to rule the kingdom. Both proceeded to take
possession of the king's palace; both asserted their claims in
language and demeanor unbecoming soldiers; and each ordered his
followers to hang the other without judge or jury. And when they
were about putting an end to this dispute with their drawn swords,
(having given the army an incentive to disorder,) Stoneheart
interposed for peace, proposing that they both consider themselves
sovereigns until such time as a board of generals could be called to
settle the question.
I ought to mention that Don Perez Goneti asserted his claim on the
ground of having first conceived the project of getting the kingdom
out of the king's fingers. Further, he bid the great Potter bear in
mind that he was invited into the country, merely as an auxiliary to
the carrying out of a great undertaking. But this only served to
increase Commander Potter's temerity, for he asserted with great
force that every victory yet won was due to the army sent him by the
New York gentleman, for whom he was to get the kingdom, to say
nothing of what his horse had done. Like sensible gentlemen,
becoming weary of the quarrel, they partook of a punch, went quietly
to bed, and left this great question to be settled among their
generals. But unfortunately their generals were not of a turn of
mind to agree on anything; and after spending nine days in angry
discussion, concluded with calling one another such names
as-"robber," "ruffian," "coward." In fact each general had such a
longing for the crown, and fancied himself possessed of such a rare
talent for governing, that neither coaxing nor beseeching could have
brought them to an agreement on this matter of the crown. And this
was to be regretted, seeing that the priests were mustering the
Kalorama army, and indeed giving various other proofs of their
itching to recover the kingdom.
And now, when disorder seemed at its highest pitch, the allied army,
with commendable good sense, and without paying the slightest heed
to the quarrels of its generals, proclaimed General Roger Sherman
Potter ruler over all Kalorama; and this was out of sheer respect to
his humor, for the army held it good to be ruled over by a gentleman
who could afford soldiers so much diversion.
Be it known then that General Potter accepted this manifestation of
popular favor, as homage paid to his great military skill, and
having called his soldiers together, he made then a speech, in which
he made promises to their satisfaction, declaring that he was more
than a match for the duties of the office. "And now, gentlemen
soldiers," he concluded, "since you have made me ruler over this
kingdom, you shall see that I am not fresh in the business. I would
have you recollect, also, that the man who seeks my overthrow must
not take it amiss if he find himself dangling to a tree: it is
enough for rulers to rule; and for what follows, let citizens look
to their own doors." Whereupon there was great clapping of hands,
and indeed such acclamations of joy as convinced General Potter that
he was a ruler in every way worthy of their admiration.
After bidding his soldiers go and regale themselves wherever they
could find wherewith to do it, (for as yet there was no plunder in
the treasury,) the ruler had an account of this wonderful
transformation of affairs forwarded to the newspapers, that it might
be published to the world, which he knew in his heart felt a deep
interest in all his movements. This done he set to work organizing
his cabinet; but so jealous of Don Perez Goneti was he, that in
order to be well rid of him he sent him (disguised in the garb of a
priest) ambassador to Washington, where, he thanked heaven, the
strangeness of his figure, as well as his extraordinary presumption,
would be of great service in recommending him to our good natured
president.
Feeling the kingdom safe in his palm, he called the members of his
cabinet together, and addressed them in the following manner:
"Although I have no mitre on my head, gentlemen, I am no less ruler
over this kingdom. And as I am a man who loves peace, pray put an
end to your disputes on the spot; for I intend that prudence shall
mark my reign. Mark what I say then: he who wrangles for the small
offices of this nation, had better look to his reason. I challenge
no man for his reputation, for a public servant had needs take care
of the little he has got; but if you would find favor with the
people, and prolong the glory of my reign, let your thoughts turn on
how you can best serve them. And as the nation is without a
treasury, I make no doubt you will preserve your integrity, which,
heaven knows, is more than most men do. But of all things, lend not
your ears to every man's whisper; for if you do the nation will
suffer most where you least think. I would also have you moderate
your longing for higher office; for it is a thing that brings much
evil to the nation. Above all, be mindful how you give rein to your
conceits, since it is come the fashion for men to say fine things of
you to your face, and send you to the devil with their thoughts. As
for myself, there shall be so good an understanding between me and
my people that no man shall speak evil of my reign. Truly,
gentlemen, I hold it a pleasant thing to die and know the people
will say: 'Well, Roger Sherman Potter was a good ruler.' And now,
let every man to his office."
With this model address, the like of which is not to be found in any
history heretofore written, the great Potter dismissed his cabinet.
The members, on consulting among themselves, came to the very
sensible conclusion that as their ruler had failed, in his address,
to throw any light upon the services required of them, the nation
was well enough; and if let alone would take care of itself. They
therefore betook themselves to a small cabin built of palm-logs and
clay, where they spent the day in carousing; while the great ruler
contemplated the majesty of his position, and the army roamed over
the country in search of plunder.
And now, having spent one whole day in the mighty task of governing
a nation, he was overtaken with one of the most remarkable reverses,
which not only changed the whole face of affairs but came within a
hair of costing him his life; as well as discovering to him the fact
that no really great ruler was sure of his throne, even for a day.
And this wonderful event, with all its serious results, the reader
will find faithfully recorded in the next chapter.