WHICH EXPLAINS WHY DON PEREZ GONETI PRACTISED THE DECEPTION; AND OF
THE WONDERFUL DISCOVERY OF A NEW MODE OF PUNISHING AMBASSADORS.
WHEN it was night, and not a beetle was heard, and the guards found
great difficulty in keeping awake, Don Perez Goneti came to the
house of General Potter, disguised in the robe of a priest. He found
the general engaged over dispatches to his government, and letters
to his wife Polly; in both of which he set forth in sad and pitiful
sentences, "the dire fate" that awaited him. As for Mr. Tickler, he
had not an ounce of courage left, but was nevertheless writing
articles for the seven New York newspapers, of which he was
correspondent. According to Tickler, as set forth in these grave
articles, no greater outrage had ever been committed upon the
unoffending representatives of the United States, and for which he
demanded summary vengeance. "Gentlemen! said the intruder,
discovering himself, "I am Don Perez Goneti, the lawgiver! Fear not,
for I come to cheer you. This king, you must know, is a great knave,
and so under the thumb of the priests that an honest man like myself
is not safe a day in his office. Having long meditated his
overthrow, I come to offer you the hand of friendship in your
distress, and to say that if you will join me in carrying out my
design (I have a strong party at my command), we will teach this
king what it is to be a subject. By the saints, he has no good
will toward your country, as you have seen."
"What you propose is exactly to my liking, for I must tell you that
the very same thing has occupied my thoughts; but since I am to be
hanged in the morning, why there's an end to all." Don Perez smiled,
and assured the general there would be no hanging, since the king
was a great coward, and feared the penalty of such an act.
"Honestly, your excellency, he has already revoked the sentence, and
substituted a novel but very harmless punishment, which when you
have endured, he will order you out of the country." This cheering
news sent a thrill of joy to Tickler's very heart, for he had been
mourning his fate, dissolved in tears; declaring at the same time
that dying in the service of ones country was not so desirable a
business. Don Perez and the general now held a long consultation,
and having sworn mutual hatred of the king and priests, agreed to
join forces and seek his speedy overthrow. Don Perez also took
charge of their letters and dispatches, which he promised to forward
to Jollifee, a town on the coast, between which certain conspirators
kept up a communication with New York.
Having restored the general and his secretary to a state of
happiness, Don Perez took his departure, when they went quietly to
bed, giving themselves no more trouble about the hanging, and
entertaining only a slight misgiving as to the nature of the
punishment substituted. But of this they were made conscious when
morning came. And here I venture to assert that not even the most
famous inventor of prison discipline for once dreamed of so curious
a mode of punishment as that I am about to describe, and which I
seriously recommend as a cure that may be profitably applied to
vagrants, idle politicians, and all such persons as live by
destroying the peace of the community.
When breakfast was over, three solemn-faced priests, followed by two
attendants, entered General Roger Potter's apartment, to the no
small discomfiture of Mr. Tickler, to whose mind all the horrors of
hanging suddenly returned. "Gentlemen," spoke one of the priests,
"we are come to prepare your souls for the punishment which it has
pleased our royal master to order." "Pray, your reverence, your
royal master had better be mindful lest this punishment cost him his
crown. But as you are humane gentlemen, be good enough to enlighten
us as to what sort of punishment his Majesty has substituted for the
hanging?" inquired the now undaunted general.
"It is enjoined that we hold our peace," replied the priest; "but of
the punishment you will know quick enough." And now, when the
priests had prayed devoutly for the souls of the culprits, they
accompanied them to a building bearing a strong resemblance to a
Vermont corn-shed, where two attendants, having first stripped "the
Ambassador" and his secretary to their shirts, chained them back to
back, and in this pitiful plight compelled them to sit on a huge
block of ice, until it was dissolved. And when this punishment was
inflicted, it was ordered by the king that they be conveyed beyond
the limits of the state. "I know not what you think of this
punishment, friend Tickler," said the general, evincing much
discomfiture as he took his seat "but to my mind, this being
condemned to sit on a block of ice until it dissolves, in nowise
becomes my military position, to say nothing of my standing as a
minister."
"Faith, your excellency, I begin to think we have both been well
fooled, for the smart of this ingenious punishment is more than I
have mettle to endure." Tickler had scarce uttered this sentence
when he began to scream at the very top of his voice; and to declare
the pain so acute that he would much prefer the hanging.
"I am fast coming to your way of thinking, friend Tickler," replied
the general, as the priests began offering them consolation, "for
every bone from the top of my head to the soul of my feet begins
yielding to the pain, which feels as if ten thousand needles were
shooting through me."
"Heavens!" exclaimed Tickler, "if your reverences will only relieve
us from these torments, you may commend our souls to whom you
please, for I have no ambition but to get home. If his excellency
wants to die a great martyr, I have no objection!" Here Mr. Tickler
relapsed into a state of melancholy, and gave vent to his feelings
in a flood of tears. But the priests only looked grave, and would
have offered them absolution without a change of countenance. "Bear
up, bear up, friend;" rejoined general Potter, "and keep in mind
that you suffer for your country's sake. It will soon be over, for
the ice melts fast. And if you write not of this outrage, so that it
shall fire every heart at home for revenge, then I am much mistaken
in your capacity as a critic." Thus bitterly they lamented their
fate, until the severity of the pain had well nigh exhausted their
strength, and left them in a condition which will be described in
the next chapter.