WHICH TREATS OF A GRIEVOUS DISAPPOINTMENT, AS WELL AS MANY THINGS OF
GREAT INTEREST THAT TOOK PLACE ON THE GENERAL'S RETURN TO NEW YORK.
IT was evening when the general reached Baltimore, thanking Heaven
that he was safe out of a city where it was the fashion with
gentlemen who were not sharp enough to fleece the government to turn
upon and fleece one another, and to let strangers look elsewhere for
mercy. Elated that he was a minister, our hero took up his valise
and straightway proceeded to the Gilmore House, since it would not
do for so famous a diplomatist to put up at one of your shabby
hotels. And here, having entered with all the pomp of his nature, he
slyly whispered to the clerk who he was, and desired that he would
enter his name in this wise: "General Roger Sherman Potter, Minister
Plenipotentiary to the King of the Kaloramas." And this delicious
bit of rodomontade being satisfactorily performed, it was with great
difficulty the bystanders could restrain their laughter. Then the
stubby little figure, casting a half-simple glance at every one he
met, waddled up and down the hall, looking in curiously at every
open door, and at times vouchsafing a bow to those he never had seen
before. And when he had hobbled about to his satisfaction, he
approached the desk and anxiously inquired of the clerk for his
secretary, Mr. Tickler; but to his surprise and great disappointment
no one at that house had heard aught of such a person.
The general was now much concerned about his secretary. All sorts of
things evil and suspicious did he fancy; but they only served to
increase his anxiety. In truth, it now seemed that what he had only
intended for a joke when leaving Willard's might turn out a very
serious affair. Some prowling villain might have slyly put him out
of the way, and there was an end to all the pains and expense he had
been at to instruct him in the ways of a good secretary. There was a
bare possibility, however, that much as the affairs of the nation
required their undivided attention, Mr. Tickler, who had in more
than one instance given proof of having a touch of the gallantry
common to the true Irish gentleman in his composition, might have
fallen in with some damsel whose charms were stronger than the
demands of the nation. But as he had reposed great trust in his
secretary, so also did he find it no very difficult task to banish
these suspicions. When then he had eaten his supper, which he did in
great tribulation, he sallied out in the hope of obtaining some
tidings of him at the various inns throughout the city. But the
search proved fruitless, and he returned to the Gilmore, still more
puzzled to find an explanation for so strange a mystery. He went to
bed when bed-time came; but it was only to dream of wonderful
exploits performed by himself in foreign lands, and awake to lament
the loss of his secretary.
When then morning came he took his departure, proceeding by the
early train to New York; for he held it good policy to get away as
speedily as possible, lest his arrival get noised over the city and
he be called upon to address some public assemblage, which might put
him to great inconvenience in the absence of his secretary; for
though he boasted that he had a profound way of his own for
effecting purposes, he was not expert at fine writing.
While then the train swept onward toward Philadelphia, various
reflections crowded upon the general's mind, and he said to himself:
"Perhaps it had been as well for me to have allowed the fellow fixed
wages; for, being a critic, which means that he is not a man to
comprehend the greatness of rewards that may be in the future, he
might have said, 'Heaven help me!' and taken to his old business."
Again it flashed across his mind that if Tickler's courage was not
quite up to the mark, he might have decided to try the virtue of his
heels now, rather than trust them when facing a villainous enemy on
the field of battle. But all these speculations proved mere
hauntings of the brain; since when he arrived at the Girard House in
Philadelphia, he found to his great surprise that "Mr. and Mrs.
Tickler" had stopped to take dinner while passing that way a couple
of days ago. "Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, laughing
in his sleeve, "either some one has told me, or I have read it in
books, that all really good secretaries have a turn for these little
gallantries. And if I understand the matter right, it is an
excellent proof that he has the capacity for as great a secretary as
any of them. In short, I have no doubt but that he is possessed of
the rare faculty of giving his head to the nation, and his heart to
as many damsels as may have a liking for it."
Being informed that his secretary had taken the road to New York,
the general was further encouraged by the hope of meeting him there,
and therefore proceeded on his journey without further concern,
arriving at the St. Nicholas in due season, to the great delight of
every guest in the house. Days and even weeks rolled past, but no
tidings could be got of Mr. Tickler. His faithful horse was there,
and had so improved as to conduct himself quite like a youth. Even
his pig had not proved untrue to him. In short, Duncan was a great
favorite with the public, and so many good opinions had been given
of him by the critics, that Barnum proposed to purchase him
outright, to the end that he might make him a feature of his museum.
And although he offered for him a sum large enough to send three
missionaries to Africa, the general said that the affection he bore
the animal was such that he could not think of parting with him.
Indeed, everything but the general's secretary seemed to have
remained true to him. He now began to feel himself overwhelmed with
responsibilities; for while he fancied the nation demanding great
things of him on one side, the Administration urged him to prepare
for Kalorama without delay. But what made the loss of Tickler more
overwhelming was, that numerous and very distinguished political
friends called to congratulate him on his appointment, which they
described as sure to result in important advantages to the nation.
Not a few proposed giving a banquet in honor of him on the eve of
his departure-a custom which had become so common at this day that
no distinguished minister ever thought of leaving without it. But
this the general serenely declined, giving as a reason that he had
heard it said how the gentlemen most busy in getting up these
banquets left the payment to him who got the glory. He also had a
slight recollection of what it cost him for the homage of the city
fathers, and resolved to keep his fingers out of the pitch-pot for
the future.
Like a good husband and a true hero, he visited his wife Polly,
comforted her with a purse of gold and various other things, and
gave her such a wonderful account of his successes as to make her
doubt her senses. He also congratulated her that she was now the
wife of a foreign minister, which would afford her the means of
sending their son to the academy and their daughters to boarding
school, where they would learn to play the piano, and be as fine as
any of your ladies. But the good woman was affected to tears when he
told her of the great distance between Barnstable and Kalorama, and
only consented to his departure for that distant dominion out of
respect to what every good woman ought to sacrifice for the benefit
of her country. While, however, the thinking people of Barnstable
were at a loss to know by what means he had got such an office, and
were inclined to set it down for a joke of some waggish fellows in
Washington, who were intent on testing the quality of the government
for giving offices to fools, little Barnstable turned out in full
force, and without the slightest respect for the great change in his
fortunes, persisted in offering him a full measure of that species
of ovation it was wont to pay him in times gone by.
Nearly two months had now passed; and although the newspapers
frequently foretold the exact day the general would sail for the
scene of his labors, nothing was heard of his secretary. It ought to
be mentioned here that he occupied his time in frequent interviews
with Glanmoregain, who had designs on Kalorama very different from
those entertained by the government. For while the latter had
furnished instructions to the general, strictly enjoining him to
cultivate a good understanding with this savage king, and to impress
upon his mind the advantages of peace, avoiding carefully all
disputes arising between rival chiefs, the former commended a course
diametrically opposite. Having riches enough at his command to
overthrow a dozen such kingdoms as Kalorama, and which he promised
to deal out without stint in the employment of such vagabonds as are
more fond of fighting than saying their prayers, he instructed the
general to first find out how many cunning priests and lawyers were
in the country; what love they bore one another; whether they were
renegades or natives; what influence they had over the king; and how
best they could be set by the ears. And when this knowledge was
thoroughly acquired, to hasten the formation of rival factions,
being careful to throw the hot iron in wherever there was a chance,
pleading at the same time for peace and harmony. Then if he could
only get the priests at "cat-tails" with the court, which was easy
enough, why, the prospect would be prodigious. Every thing must be
taken in time and season; and if the lawyers were renegades, and he
could get them at splits with both, he could then get some ambitious
leader (one with more self-love than patriotism) just to tip him the
wink, and invite him to become the champion of the strongest
faction; he could then, being careful to let the cause of humanity
and the spread of civil liberty be his watchword, go out with his
sword sharpened, and after cutting down the existing powers, snatch
up the diadem and place it upon his own head. Glanmoregain explained
his various plans with such minuteness that they all became cloud
and mist in the general's mind; indeed, he began to debate within
himself as to the means by which he could serve two masters whose
interests seemed to run in directly opposite channels. Minister
Potter had, however, a ready facility for everything, and although
something of a simpleton, pledged himself to carry out
Glanmoregain's instructions with as many protestations of good faith
as he had offered the government in proof of his sincerity. "Upon my
military reputation, sir," said he, as Glanmoregain delivered to him
a packet containing his instructions, "it will not take me long to
get things as you want them. Say only that you want a dozen more
such kingdoms, and I warrant to have them in your pocket in less
time than it would take you to walk up Wall Street. But pray, sir,
as to these vagabonds you speak of, take care that they be not men
who have no fear of the devil and want all to be generals."
And when the merchant and his general had got all these little
government matters so nicely compounded that they began to feel
whole kingdoms between their fingers, the former took his departure
and left the latter to himself. There were now only three days
remaining before the general's departure; and as the government had
vessels enough fouling their copper in our harbors, it was ordered
that one be detached to convey the general to his place of
destination. While then he was sitting puzzling his brain how to get
a secretary who could manage the newspapers and attend to the duties
of his office, and was ready to believe that Mr. Tickler had been
foully murdered, that gentleman made his appearance, and gave so
strange an excuse for his absence that I must beg the reader to turn
to the next chapter, where he will find it faithfully recorded.