GENERAL POTTER RECEIVES A LETTER FROM HIS WIFE POLLY; HE ENGAGES TO
FIGHT THE KING OF THE KALORAMAS; PREPARES TO LEAVE FOR WASHINGTON;
AND VARIOUS THINGS CURIOUS AND INTERESTING.
WHEN Tickler parted company with the general, it was with the
understanding that they meet again in a day or two, and consummate
the agreement whereby the adroit critic was to follow the fortunes
of his master through politics and war. He therefore went directly
to his home, and returned thanks for the mercy of this opportune
deliverance from his dire necessities. A shilling he had not had in
his pocket for several days; and as to the five dollars, it would
enable him to assume a position of no small importance among his
friends at the opera.
As to the general, he awoke early in the morning, and began to
contemplate his honors. There could not be the slightest doubt of
his fame in politics, seeing how many distinguished persons had
sought to pay him homage. Indeed, he had been carried by a process
known only to politicians to an incredible height of popularity,
which, being vain of, he bore with a patience and cheerfulness
equaled only by the docility of old Battle, his horse. The city
fathers, it must be mentioned, finding him not quite up to their
expectations, were endeavoring to drop him with as little noise as
possible. But it seemed a question which was most deceived, the
general or the city fathers. The latter found the former a shallow
pated man, who from mere joking, had been made to believe himself a
great politician, and by a singular cleverness in committing to
memory the altered speeches of others, had created for himself a
respectability that always vanished on an acquaintance with him;
while the former declared that the population of a city was no proof
of the amount of moral rectitude by which its government was
conducted, seeing that he had found those of the city fathers with
whom he had come in contact, very craggy headed men, and sadly
deficient in everything but creating disorders and bringing disgrace
upon the city: in fine, that they were not what they ought to be.
The general now began to look about him for means whereby he could
distinguish himself in war, and make his fame national. He argued
within himself that however famous a man might become in politics,
there was an uncertainty always impending. But to be famous in war,
was something as durable as time, and which always excited the
warmest admiration of one's countrymen. And while he, with confused
fancies flitting through his imagination, was thus contemplating his
present greatness and future prospects, a servant entered, bearing a
letter.
"Love of me!" exclaimed the general, "It's from my wife, Polly!"
A superscription in a series of hieroglyphics that would have defied
the combined erudition of Rawlinson and Layard, the general
deciphered thus: "To Major Roger Sherman Potter. In New York." The
seal, which was of broken wafers, pressed with a thimble, was broken
xwith eager anxiety, and the general, his eyes transfixed on the
dingy page, read the contents, which ran thus:
"Barnstable, June -, 185.--"My Dear husban
"You knows i niver did like these ere politiks, for all the
expereiance i've had in um tells me they nethir brings meat nor pays
the store bills. I see they bin making ever so much on you yinder in
New York; but that ant nothin', when a body has debts to pay, and
childirn to shoe and larn. I know, and you know i know, that when
you was young you had capacity (talent they call it) enuff to get to
Congriss; and thats why i tried so to get you there, and sold all
the ducks and chickens, and strained, you know, ever so many ways to
help you up in the world; but now i see there's not a whit a use
int, for i've a come convinsed that them politiks makes an honest
man a rogue, and sends his soul to the devil, and his family to the
town-house. I like to see you made so much of, for i have the
nateral feelins of a wife, and if, as you used to say, i didn't know
much of filosofy, why i have some sense, and want you to come
straight home, and see to your poor family, for it takes all we can
get for binding shoes to buy bread. But what i want to tell you is
three days after you left on the Two Marys, Sheriff Warner come with
a rit, and carried away the three pigs, and Warner has bin donnin me
life out for that old store bill, and Draner says he wont wait
another day for the rent, and Aldrich says you owe him ten dollars
borrowed money, which you had better pay afore you make so much
noise in New York. But what i want to tell you is, that i lent what
little money you left to Captain Ben Larnard, who says he can't pay
it back right away, but will when his wife gits home, though Captain
Spelt's wife says she's run off with another man. And there's that
trifle due when you went away to Jefferson Bigelow the butcher, he
keeps a lookin in and giving me the startles, and saying how Squire
Benson lives at the corner. Now as you love your poor wife and
children come home, and let politiks alone, and provide for your
children like a good christian and an honest man, which I have heard
it said a politishon cant be. And this is the prayer of your true
and affeckshonite wife POLLY POTTER."
"A bombshell from my wife Polly, sure enough!" ejaculated the
general; "but she is a sensible woman, and with learning would have
made her mark in the world. A man must not look back though, but
renew his demonstrations against misfortune, and then if he succeed
let him thank his energy. And yet it is true, as my wife Polly says,
my politics have brought me in but little meat, and my children have
often times gone scantily clad, whereas they might have had plenty
if I'd stuck to the bench. However, a point approached, is a point
gained, and now that my hand is almost upon a mission, which will
repay for all my disappointments, it will not do to walk back into
the house and shut the door."
Thus the hero reasoned within himself. It was true, old Battle was
eating his head off. But the pig had made a wonderful sensation, and
so crowded the house every night as to demonstrate the fact that
first rate talent of every kind was highly appreciated in New York.
The critics, with scarcely a dissenting voice, had declared the pig
a marvel, a profound embodiment of talent, one of the wonders of the
age; an animal possessed of such rare gifts that no lover of the
curious in natural history should lose the opportunity of witnessing
his performances. And in order to diversify these distinguished and
very popular entertainments, the clever showman had introduced a
piece called "Evenings with the Critics," in one scene of which was
presented a litter of nine precocious pigs, habited in bright,
colored mantles, and seated on seats forming a semicircle, with
Duncan in ducal robes seated on a throne, and presiding with the
gravest demeanor. The nine small pigs were supposed to represent
various members of the critic tribe, while Duncan, who was in
spectacles, personated Doctor Easley. And so cleverly did the
showman understand the instincts of critics, as well as the beauties
of his art, that he produced the scene with the merits of a poem
called Hiawatha under consideration. Each pig waited the signal of
approval or disapproval from Duncan, and according to his verdict,
either fell upon and grievously soiled the poem, or grunted in one
string of praise as they danced round it. And the audience
understanding the logic of this, the performance proved highly
entertaining. Indeed, renowned tragedians, very popular low
comedians, leading business ladies, whose fame had been made for
twenty years, and singing ladies who hailed from no less a place
than the Covent Garden Opera, London, were driven by the pig mania
into Poverty Lodge, from whence they sneeringly declared that no
better proof of the low standard of public taste could be afforded.
And now, while pondering over the letter received from his wife,
Polly, and feeling as if he could kiss her a thousand times, and
entreat her to bear with him, since this time he was sure of
success, and would return to her so much exalted that the whole
village would turn out to do him homage, Barnum entered, and without
further ceremony declared himself so enamored of the pig, whose
success with the public was unprecedented, that he cheerfully paid
down the amount of the closing engagement, and produced a paper
which proved to be a reëngagement at an advance of terms, that so
completely satisfied the general, that he signed it without further
hesitation. The showman being a advocate of temperance, declined
General Potter's invitation to join him over a punch; and being a
man of business, took his departure as soon as he had perfected the
reëngagement, promising to keep the pig's birthplace and antecedents
a profound secret. And when he was gone, the general took fifty
dollars of the money paid him, and sate down to write the following
letter in reply to that received from his wife Polly: "St. Nicholas
Hotel, New York, June -, 185-. "MY DEAR WIFE POLLY:
"Your letter is just received, and grieves me enough, God knows. You
must know, dear Polly, that riches are not got in a day, nor is fame
gained in a week, though a man may be popular and not have money
enough to get a shilling dinner. And truly, since I arrived here, so
much honor has been showered upon me that my shoulders are scarce
broad enough to carry it all. As for those who make up the
government of this great city, I have come to think they are not to
be trusted; for if my good nature would recompense them for the
respect they have shown me, my common sense is not to be shut up
with gilded doors when I see men much given to strong drink and
breaking one another's heads, which it seems to me is the fashion
with these high office gentlemen. I now send you fifty dollars,
which will comfort you for a time; remember, I will send you some
more when less engaged with matters concerning the public. Give each
a little, just to keep matters quiet; but be careful not to let one
of them know how much you have in the purse, or they'll all rush
upon you and strip you to the last dollar. I have success at my
finger's ends, and am sure of a mission, as you will see by the
newspapers, which have said no end of good things of me. I have met
with one or two slight misfortunes, but as they are such as all
great politicians and military men must expect to meet, I will say
no more about them. Heaven bless you and the children, is the
sincere wish of your affectionate husband, "ROGER SHERMAN POTTER.
"P.S. Excuse my brevity, dear Polly, as I am much pressed with
public affairs. Old Battle is well, but served me a scurvy trick
only a day or two ago."
Having sealed and despatched this letter to the post office, General
Potter suddenly remembered that he had not seen his faithful horse
since the accident in Broadway that had so nearly cost him his life.
He therefore repaired to the stable, where a scene so truly
affecting took place, that the grooms had great difficulty in
restraining their tears. No sooner did old Battle hear his master's
voice, than he began neighing, when his master, in return, patted
and caressed him as if he had been a child. In truth, the animal was
much bruised about the knees and face, and altogether presented a
figure sorry enough to enlist the sympathy of any kind gentleman.
"It was no fault of yours, my true, my faithful friend," said the
general, patting him on the neck and fondling him. "The ragged
urchins did it all, and if their parents be not careful the devil
and the gallows will put a sudden end to their career. Thou hast
shared my trials in many an expedition, and it is my intention that
thou share many more." In this manner the general continued to
condole old Battle, until the grooms forgot their grief, and were
well nigh splitting their sides with laughter. Leaving his horse,
the general returned to his rooms, and found a stranger awaiting
him.
"The importance of my mission, sir," spoke the man, who arose to his
feet with great dignity of manner, and was evidently a man of much
circumstance, "is the best apology I can offer for this
self-introduction-"
"I see, sir," replied the general, "that you are a man of quality.
Keep your seat, then, and accept my assurances of good faith in
whatever it may please you to offer."
"My name," resumed the stranger, his stately figure and frank, open
countenance, forming a curious contrast to the rotund figure of the
general, "is Pekleworth Glanmoregain, so well known in the world of
commerce that I apprehend it is not the first time you have heard of
me." The general bowed. "Your fame as a military man having come to
my knowledge, as also your ability for statesmanship, I have sought
you out, with a view to engaging your services in carrying out a
great project I now have on hand. But what passes between us I
desire shall be kept a profound secret for the present, since events
mature with such a rapidity at this day that it is impossible to
keep track of them." The stranger paused and cast a scrutinizing
glance at the general, who was surprised and astounded at the
vagueness of his speech. Indeed, he began to have a suspicion that
the stranger was on an errand of evil, or, perhaps, had come to
engage his services in some unholy enterprise, such as poisoning an
heir or giving false evidence.
"Pray, remember," said he, in a voice indicating great anxiety,
"that if I have not much of the world's riches, I am at least an
honest man, which is saying something, as things go. I may say, too,
that I set some value upon my military reputation; therefore, let
what you have to offer be such as it will not lower my reputation to
accept. To tell you the truth, sir, I have a foreign mission in my
eye, and am sure of getting it when I go to Washington, since my
qualifications are not a whit behind any of them."
"Bury your misgivings, I enjoin you," replied the stranger, "for I
am a responsible man, and the service I require of you is highly
honorable. I have a mighty project in view, and if it can with your
assistance be carried to a successful issue, not only will I make
you a great general, but a rich man for the rest of your life."
The prospect of being made a great general so elated our hero, that
as the stranger discovered his project in detail, he entered into it
with great alacrity, and would, as an earnest of his ability, have
given him an account of all the wars he had been in, and the
victories that were gained solely by following his advice, but that
the stranger assured him it was unnecessary, since he had already
seen enough proof of his being a man of valor.
Pekleworth Glanmoregain, I must mention here, was a man who had
become famous in commerce, and had large possessions. But these he
was not content to enjoy, but sought to increase his wealth by means
our forefathers would have characterized with much severity. There
was, according to Pekleworth Glanmoregain, a territory somewhere on
the Spanish main, familiarly known as the Kingdom of the Kaloramas.
The Kaloramas were an inoffensive people, who had been much degraded
by intestine wars, and were so low in the scale of physical and
intellectual quality as to enlist in their behalf the sympathies of
the powerful and magnanimous. But as that which is nationally weak
only serves as a prey to that which is nationally strong, so the
poor, emaciated Kaloramas had for years been a prey to the avarice
of rival adventurers, who, in that spirit which arrogance always
asserts over ignorance, would make their king a puppet and
themselves mere vassals. And this the wily adventurers did, by
professing great friendship for the king and his people, then
setting up a fictitious claim to a voice in the affairs of the
kingdom, and finally demanding for such service, which any knave or
fool might have rendered, not one, but all his islands. In truth,
the Kingdom of the Kaloramas, though insignificant in its own
political aspect, had furnished a grand theme for a comedy of modern
diplomatic errors, in the performance of which numerous clever
gentlemen had found much innocent recreation, though not a man had
been found capable of solving the plot to the satisfaction of the
spectators. In fine, what caused so much longing after, and so many
evil eyes to be cast upon this little kingdom of the poor Kaloramas,
was the fact that it had within itself a great highway, over which
the commerce of two oceans passed. And such were the advantages held
out by a monopoly of this highway, that each claimant stood ready to
censure the ignorance of the government that doubted his right to
higher consideration than that given to his fellow adventurer, whom
he would hang to the nearest tree with as little scruple as he would
eat his breakfast.
"And now, sir," resumed Glanmoregain, "I have described the Kingdom
of the Kaloramas to you, and also the immense advantages it
possesses. To be honest with you, then, I desire to gain possession
of it, which I take it will be no hard matter, provided the general
who engages in my service be capable of outwitting his rivals. And
as each keeps a general and a poet of his own, I am resolved to
outdo the rest by having a general and two poets, which surely will
secure the success of my enterprise."
"Truly, sir," interposed the general, somewhat surprised at the
hugeness of Glanmoregain's desires, "I hold it no man is more
capable of undertaking what you desire, for God has given me talents
which have served me in war, and I have been careful not to abuse
them in peace. Let me then have men and meat, and, if you please, a
few of those gifts men so much covet, and I warrant you I make the
glory all your own. Say but the word, and it will not be long before
I have this king you speak of hung to the first tree, and myself
elected in his place."
"You are exactly the gentleman I want," spoke the other; "and as to
men and meat, I may mention, general, that I have numerous ships at
my command, and provisions without stint! And there are at least ten
thousand vagabonds, whom, heaven knows, the city would be well rid
of; and these, being officered by well starved members of the legal
profession, whose name is legion, can be got to do the fighting for
the mere love they bear such amusement. Indeed, general, I am no
prophet, or the appearance of such an army would soon frighten the
king out of his kingdom, which would be a blessing, seeing that it
would save so much blood. First disorganize the judiciary, then
endeavor to spread dissension among the people, (which is a thing
common enough with the ministers we send abroad,) and when these
things are done the king can be easily overthrown, which will secure
me the advantage I desire as well as a victory over my rivals."
"Faith, sir, I pledge my military reputation to do all these things;
and if I fail it will be no fault of mine, for my arm is strong
enough to meet the enemy at his own game. And as your speech betrays
you a man of profound wisdom, I will tell you, for it will be of
great advantage to our cause, that I am about to engage one Orlando
Tickler, a critic of great learning, who speaks several tongues, and
has no less than seven newspapers at his bidding. And what is more,
he is much given to poetry, and can get up sonnets in praise of our
victories. Think you not he can play an important part?"
"A person we much need," said Glanmoregain, patting the general on
the shoulder; "and if he have seven newspapers at his bidding, why,
if he but know how to use them in making victories of defeats, I
will wager my life on the success of my enterprise. And if you can
get that foreign mission you speak of, so much the better. Let it be
to the King of the Kaloramas, and you can then use your privileges
to get such a knowledge of the weaknesses of the court as will
enable you to overthrow it with the greatest facility."
The preliminaries being arranged, the general promised to proceed
strictly according to the advice of Glanmoregain, and to lose no
time in proceeding to Washington to secure his appointment. He also
promised to keep his own counsel; and to prove their good faith,
they sat down to a bottle of old port, which, when they had
finished, Glanmoregain took his departure, promising to call on the
following day, and left the general to pack up his baggage,
preparatory to taking his departure.