WHICH TREATS OF HOW I LEFT MY NATIVE CAPE, AND SUNDRY OTHER MATTERS.
I HAD no sooner disclosed to my father my musings with Fame, and the
aspirations she had excited in me, than he went right into a
passion, and set me down as extravagant and mad. He had entertained
hopes of making me a schoolmaster, perhaps an inspector of fish, in
which office excellent opportunities for increasing one's fortunes
were offered; but I had been rendered quite useless to the parish
ever since the New York politicians had taken me into their favor.
Anybody, he said, might go out upon and know the world, but few had
the courage and daring to grapple with its difficulties. And then,
the world was so wicked that men of reflection instinctively shrank
from it. Notwithstanding my wild, visionary plans, he yet had hopes
of me. But if I sought distinction in the political world, it would
be well not to forget that it had at this day become a dangerous
quicksand, over which a series of violent storms continually heaved.
And these storms, by some mysterious process or other, were
incessantly casting up on the shore of political popularity and
making heroes of men whose virtues were not weighty enough to keep
them at the bottom. "Be an humble citizen, my son," said he: "learn
to value a quiet life. You are not given to loud and boisterous
talking, to lying, or to slandering; which things, at this day, are
essential to political success. Worthy and well disposed persons are
too much afraid of being drowned in the violence of the storm
politicians with shallow brains and empty pockets create, by their
anxiety to take the affairs of the nation into their own keeping.
Remember, too, that if you fail in the object of your ambition (and
you are not vagabond enough to succeed), the remotest desert will
not hide you from the evil designs of your enemies. You may seek
some crystal stream; you may let your tears flow with its waters;
but such will not lighten your disappointment, for the persecuted
heart is no peace-offering to the political victor. Politically
vanquished; and you are like an unhappy lover who seeks him a rural
deity and sings his complaints to the winds. Your eye will become
jealous at the fortunes of others, but your sighs over the cruelty
of what you are pleased to call human imperfections will not bring
back your own. Stay quietly at home, my son, and if you cannot be a
schoolmaster, chance may one day turn you up President of these
United States. Let your insanity for writing books not beguile you
into crime; and above all, I would enjoin you, my son, never to
write the 'Life and Character' of an in-going President, for then,
to follow the fashion of the day, and make for him a life that would
apply with equal truth to King Mancho, or any one of his sable
subjects, will be necessary that you write him down the hero of
adventures he never dreamed of, and leave out the score of
delinquincies his real life is blemished with. If you do this, wise
men will set you down a scribbler for charity's sake."
Thus spoke my venerable father. But I remembered that he had several
times before said that if I would so square my morals as to become
in favor with the matronly portion of the parish he would even try
and make a parson of me, which was, in his opinion, a promotion
still higher than schoolmaster. Having got a parish, and chosen the
richest damsel of the flock for my wife, there was nothing to hinder
me from snapping my fingers at the world and its persecutions.
My father, I would here observe, in justice to his memory, was much
given to the study of religion, and would not unfrequently invite to
his house the parson of a neighboring village, that he might debate
with him on matters appertaining to the creed, which he had been
thirty years narrowing down to the finest point. And yet he always
kept a vigilant eye to his worldly affairs, nor ever let a man get
the better of him in a bargain. Indeed it was said of him that
though he had not been to sea for many a day he so linked himself to
the fortunes of his neighbors as to secure a large share of the
bounty so generously paid by our government. That there was nothing
in this inconsistent with his love of true religion my father was
assured by the parson, who held that worldly possessions in no wise
blunted the appetite for redemption; and that even bill-discounting
quakers, with their bags of gold on their backs, would not find the
gates of heaven shut to them. And as the parson was a man of great
learning, though small of figure, and very curatical in his features
and dress, his opinions were in high favor with the villagers, among
whom he had given it out that he was a graduate of Yale and Harvard,
both of which celebrated institutions had conferred high honors upon
him. This high throwing of the parson's lasso getting abroad atoned
for innumerable antiquated and very dull sermons, for the delivery
of which he would excuse himself to his private friends by saying
that his salary was but four hundred dollars a year, one third of
which he took in No. 2 mackerel no one would buy of him. He was
excessively fussy; and if he advocated temperance to-day, he would
to-morrow take a sly smash, never forgetting to add that it was
recommended by his physician, who was likewise a man of great
learning. Under the influence of this medicine, it was said, by
malicious people, which no parish is with--out, that if the occasion
demanded a serious sermon he was sure to preach one that would send
all the young folks of his congregation into a titter. If the
occasion was such as to tolerate a little humor, he was sure to send
them all into a melancholy mood with the gravity of his remarks. In
fine, he was sure to be on the opposite side of everything natural.
The only question he was not quite sure it would do to get upon, was
the slavery question. And for this he always excused himself by
saying that there were many others in the same condition. It would
not do to be in the desert, hence he inclined to the policy of our
fashionable clergy, who are extremely cautious not to steer too
close to questions not popular enough to be profitably espoused. If
Parson Stebbins (for such was his name) let drop a few words in
favor of freedom to-day, Obadiah Morgan, the most influential member
of his church, would to-morrow politely withdraw. A word or two
complimentary of the South and her peculiar institutions was equally
sure to find him taken to task by the philanthropic females of his
parish. In truth, he could approach neither side of the question
without finding a fire in his rear. And as his empty pocket would
not allow him to rise to independence, he resolved to preach to that
portion of his church which was content to let the slavery question
take care of itself.
The parson joined my father in his endeavors to shake the resolution
I had taken, and said many things concerning the snares set by the
wicked world, and how easy it was for an ardent youth like myself to
fall into them, that grievously annoyed my mother; for, as I have
said before, she had great faith in my virtue, and so doted on me
that she had a ready excuse for all my follies. Indeed, she would
often smile at the combined alarm of my father and the parson,
saying she held it infinitely better that a youth like myself go out
upon the world in search of distinction, for therein lay the
virtue of his example. Children were born to the world; if they had
daring enough to go out upon it and battle with it, the parson's
advice to stay at home was unnecessary. You could not make human
things divine; and, to expect miracles from saints now-a-days, or
truth from critics, or liberality from parsons, was like looking for
reason in our "current literature."
When my father found that I was, in spite of the admonitions of the
parson, resolved on setting out, and that he was confronted by the
strong opposition of my mother, he gave up in despair, telling me
whatever befell me, not to look to him for succor. My mother, on the
other hand, gave herself up to my preparation for the journey with
so much ardor, that she for several days almost wholly neglected the
regulation of her domestic affairs. My precious new suit of black,
in which I had adorned myself on Sundays, and, not a little vain of
my appearance, shone out at church, was got out and brushed, and
then nicely packed away in my valise, which likewise contained an
ample supply of unmentionables, and homemade shirts, and stockings,
and other articles appertaining to the wardrobe of an adventurous
young man. My mother also exercised a wise discretion in the
selection of such books as she thought would afford me "maxims of
guidance," as she called it, through the world. A pocket Bible, and
a small volume of the "Select Edition of Franklin's Maxims," a book
in high favor with the good people of the Cape, were got of a
bookseller in Barnstable, a queer wag, who had got rich by vending a
strange quality of literature and taking fish in exchange. In
addition to these good books provided by my mother, I was careful
not to forget my "Polite Speech Maker," a book which I confess to
have studied much. In truth, like many distinguished members of
Congress, I am indebted to it for my great political popularity.
Resolved as I am that this history shall never swerve from the
truth, I would sincerely recommend a study of the "Polite Speech
Maker" to all juvenile politicians, dealers in liquor, editors of
three-cent newspapers, and learned litterateurs, whose names,
according to sundry malicious writers, it is come the fashion of the
day to reflect in one mirror.
In the "Polite Speech Maker" will be found such sentences as "the
tranquilized glory of our glorious country," and "the undying
beauties, that starry emblem, our flag, awakens in our heart of
hearts;" and sundry others, equally abstruse, but no less essential
to the objects of primary meetings. The author of this invaluable
work is my learned friend and very erudite scholar, Dr. Easley. And
as some readers hold the study of an author of much more importance
than his book, I may be excused for saying here that no one can take
up one and forget the other, since literature, as is there set
forth, was never before either blessed or encumbered with so great a
doctor.
My library and outfit being complete, my mother, having provided me
with a yellow waistcoat and white plush hat out of her private
purse, gave an evening party in honor of my departure. Parson
Stebbins, the doctor of a neighboring village, (not Easley, for he
had set up his fortunes in New York,) and sundry bright-eyed damsels
of my acquaintance, were invited, and came accompanied by their
sturdy parents. The last jar of jam and applesauce was stormed, the
two fattest pullets in the yard brought to the block, choice mince
and pumpkin pies were propounded, three dollars were expended upon a
citron cake such as Cape Cod had never seen before, and no less than
a dozen bottles of Captain Zeke Brewster's double refined cider was
got of Major Cook, the grocer. Stronger beverages were held in
questionable respect by the Cape folks. My mother did, indeed, busy
herself for nearly two days in the preparation of this supper,
declaring at the same time that she would not be outdone by any
housewife this side of Barnstable at least. Nor did she heed my
father, who continued the while muttering his misgivings.
The stars shone out bright on the night of the party, which passed
off to the delight of every one present. The fowls, and the pies,
and the jam and apple-sauce, and a dish of tea the parson declared
could not be excelled, were all discussed with great cheerfulness.
My father, as was his custom, drew his chair aside after supper, and
engaged two of his guests in religious conversation, while the
doctor and the parson got into a corner, and soon became deeply
absorbed in a question of law, which they debated over the cider.
No sooner had my mother set her table to rights than she, with an
air of motherly watchfulness, drew her chair beside the damsels,
with whom I was exchanging the gossip of the Cape, and entered
cheerfully into our conversation.
More than one of the bright eyed and ruddy cheeked damsels gave out
hints that led me to believe they would have accompanied me on my
journey and shared the fortunes of my career. Nor did their hints
disturb my mother, whose mind was too pure to conceive their
attentions aught else than blessings. And thus, with an abundance of
good cheer, and the interchange of those civilities so common to
villagers, and the singing of an orthodox hymn or two, in which my
father joined, while the doctor and the parson continued their
discussion over the cider, passed one of those rustic evening
parties so characteristic of Cape Cod.
Half-past nine o'clock arrived, and it being an hour of bedtime
religiously kept by the villagers, the bright eyed damsels and their
chaperons, each in turn, shook me warmly by the hand, congratulated
my mother on having a son so daring, lisped words of encouragement
in my ear, and took an affectionate leave. Among them there was one
Altona Marabel, the daughter of a worthy fisherman. This damsel had
a face of exquisite beauty; and her great lustrous eyes and blushing
cheeks had caused me many a sigh. And now I saw that her heart beat
in unison with mine, for the words good-by hung reluctant upon her
lips. Nay, more, she would have sealed the love she bore me with a
tear, for as she shook my hand it came like a pearl in her eye, and
she wiped it away lest it write the tale of her heart upon the
crimson of her cheek.
Neither the doctor nor the parson were disturbed at the departure of
the rest of the company; for they continued to praise the quality of
the cider and debate the question of law until my father went into a
deep sleep, from which he was disturbed by the parson, who, in
response to an invitation from the doctor, commenced singing a song
for the entertainment of my mother. Such joviality was uncommon with
the parson, and so surprised and astonished my father, that he
intimated to the doctor that it would not be amiss to get him home.
Being something of a wag, the doctor intended to vanquish the parson
with the cider, and then perform certain mischievous tricks with his
features. But this my father, who was not given to sporting with the
weaknesses of others, prevented, by ordering my mother to lock up
the six remaining bottles. "We might debate the question until
daylight, but I could not convince you," spake the parson, rising
from his chair on finding the bottles empty, and rather fussily
adjusting his spectacles, "it is not expected that law is a part of
your profession."
The doctor being a well bred and courteous man, bowed and held his
peace. Indeed, he saw that the parson's intellect was somewhat
deranged; hence he held it more becoming a Christian to tender his
services in conducting him to his home, which was some two miles
off. The parson now took me by the hand, and having looked me in the
eye steadily for nearly a minute, addressed me as follows: "You,
young man, I am afraid, have got a dangerous turn of mind. Many is
the young man that has been hurried to destruction by a too daring
and adventurous spirit. But if your resolution to go out upon the
world in search of fame is not to be shaken by anything I say, then
I would enjoin you always to so fence up your character that the
devil and slander-loving editors cannot pick holes in it. Pray much.
Let no one tempt you with mild drinks, for such only lead to the
taking of stronger ones. Go regularly to church, but let not your
eyes fall upon the faces of pretty women so that your ears be sealed
to the sermon. Never make love to another man's wife. Remember this
when you are a great man, for with them it is become a fashion. Let
ruffians go their own way. Let gentlemen be your companions, and
never fail to show them that you can at least be their equal in
courteous demeanor. Always pay your washerwoman; be not ashamed to
acknowledge your father, and remember that the fonder you speak of
your mother, the more you will be beloved by strangers. Avoid
politicians, who are come to be great vagabonds, who drink bad
liquor and give their thoughts to base designs against the nation's
gold. If you become great and valorous, historians will no doubt
defame you, and lay crimes of which you were innocent at your door,
as is common with them. But you must bear what they say of you with
Christian fortitude, remembering, always, that it is a delight with
them to tear greatness from its high throne." The parson looked
wisely in my face as he said this, and shook his head warningly.
"Most of all," he continued, "never permit yourself to fall into the
hands of treasury swindlers, money changers, and malicious editors,
who will set you up as the only fit person to be President of these
United States, though you have not a single qualification necessary
to the office. For they, being tricky men, will be sure to let you
down with the same facility they took you up; and when your
ancestors, down to the third and fourth generations are dug up, (as
it has become necessary to do,) and their character, together with
your own, made blacker than the ink they seek to damage one
another's character with, they will be the first to declare they
were mistaken in you-that you were not the man they took you for."
The parson said many other things of a like character, out which I
did not think worth writing down in my memory. He then shook hands
with my mother and father, expressed his surprise at the lateness of
the hour to the doctor, and took his leave, meeting with a strange
mishap on his way home, which will be related in the next chapter.