"But I did," said Baker calmly. "All very subconsciously, of course, but
I did try to commit suicide. The crystals triggered it. I'll explain how
in a minute, but since Sam Atkins was an ethical being he felt the
responsibility for what had happened to me. He had to reveal himself to
the extent of saving my life--and helping me to change so that the
suicidal drive would not appear again. He did this, but it revealed too
much of himself and destroyed the chance of completing his program. When
he gets back home, he's really going to catch hell for lousing up the
works. It's too bad."
Jim Ellerbee let out a long breath. "Sam Atkins--somebody from another
world--it doesn't seem possible. What things he could have taught us if
he'd stayed!"
Fenwick wondered why it had to have been Baker to receive this
knowledge. Baker, the High Priest of the Fixed Position, the ambassador
of Established Authority. Why couldn't Sam Atkins--or whatever his real
name might be--have whispered just a few words of light to a man willing
to listen and profit? His bowels felt sick with the impact of
opportunity forever lost.
* * * * *
"How did the crystals trigger a suicidal reaction?" asked Fenwick
finally, as if to make conversation more than anything else.
Baker's face seemed to glow. "That's the really important thing I
learned from Sam. I learned that about me--about all of us. It's hard to
explain. I experienced it--but you can only hear about it."
"We're listening," said Fenwick dully.
"I saw a picture of a lathe in a magazine a few months ago," said Baker
slowly. "You can buy one of these lathes for $174,000, if you want one.
It's a pretty fancy job. The lathe remembers what it does once, and
afterwards can do it again without any instructions.
"The lathe has a magnetic tape memory. The operator cuts the first piece
on the lathe, and the tape records all the operations necessary for that
production. After that, the operator needs only to insert the metal
stock and press the start button.
"There could be a million memories in storage, and the lathe could draw
on any one of them to repeat what it had done before at any time in its
history."
"I don't see what this has got to do with Sam and you," said Fenwick.
Baker ignored him. "A long time ago a bit of life came into existence.
It had no memory, because it was the first. But it faced the universe
and made decisions. That's the difference between life and nonlife. Did
you know that, Fenwick? The capacity to make decisions without
pre-programming. The lathe is not alive because it must be
pre-programmed by the operator. We used to say that reproduction was the
criterion of life, but the lathe could be pre-programmed to build a
duplicate of itself, complete with existing memories, if that were
desired, but that would not make it a living thing.
"Spontaneous decision. A single cell can make a simple binary choice.
Maybe nothing more complex than to be or not to be. The decision may be
conditioned by lethal circumstances that permit only a 'not' decision.
Nevertheless, a decision _is_ made, and the cell shuts down its life
processes in the very instant of death. They are not shut down for it.
"In the beginning, the first bit of life faced the world and made
decisions, and memory came into being. The structures of giant protein
molecules shifted slightly in those first cells and became a memory of
decisions and encounters. The cells split and became new pairs carrying
in each part giant patterned molecules of the same structure. These were
memory tapes that grew and divided and spread among all life until they
carried un-numbered billions of memories.
"Molecular tapes. Genes. The memory of life on earth, since the
beginning. Each new piece of life that springs from parent life comes
equipped with vast libraries of molecular tapes recording the
experiences of life since the beginning.
"Life forms as complex as mammals could not exist without this tape
library to draw upon. The bodily mechanisms could not function if they
came into existence without the taped memories out of the ages,
explaining why each organ was developed and how it should function.
Sometimes, part of the tapes _are_ missing, and the organism, if it
endures, must live without instructions for some function. One human
lifetime is too infinitesimally small to relearn procedures that have
taken aeons to develop.
"Just as the lathe operator has a choice of tapes which will cause the
lathe to function in different ways, so does new life have a choice. The
accumulated instructions and wisdom of the whole race may be available,
except for those tapes which have been lost or destroyed through the
ages. New life has a choice from that vast library of tapes. In its
inexperience, it relies on the parentage for the selection of many
proven combinations, and so we conclude certain characteristics are
'dominant' or 'inherited,' but we haven't been able to discover the
slightest reason why this is so.
"A selection of things other than color of eyes, the height of growth to
be attained, the shape of the body must also be made. A choice of modes
of facing the exterior world, a choice of stratagems to be used in
attaining survival and security in that world, must be made.
"And there is one other important factor: Mammalian life is created in a
universe where only life exists. The mammal in the womb does not know of
the existence of the external universe. Somewhere, sometime, the first
awareness of this external universe arises. In the womb. Outside the
womb. Early in fetal life, or late. When and where this awareness comes
is an individual matter. But when it comes, it arrives with lethal
impact.
"Awareness brings a million sensory invasions--chemical, physical,
extrasensory--none of them understood, all of them terrifying.
"This terrible fear that arises in this moment of awareness and
non-understanding is almost sufficient to cause a choice of death rather
than life at this point. Only because of the developed toughness,
acquired through the aeons, does the majority of mammalian life choose
to continue.
"In this moment, choices must be made as to how to cope with the
external world, how to understand it so as to diminish the fear it
inspires. The library of genetic tapes is full of possible solutions.
Parental experience is examined, too, and the very sensory impacts that
are the source of the terror are inspected to a greater or lesser extent
to see how they align with taped information.
"A very basic choice is then made. It may not be a single decision, but,
rather, a system of decisions all based on some fundamental underlying
principle. And the choice may not be made in an instant. How long a time
it may occupy I do not know.
"When the decision has been made, reaction between the individual and
the external universe begins and understanding begins to flow into the
data storage banks. As data are stored, and successful solutions found
in the encounter with the world, fear diminishes. Some kind of
equilibrium is eventually reached, in which the organism decides how
much fear it is willing to tolerate to venture farther into areas of the
unknown, and how much it is willing to limit its experience because of
this fear.
"When the decision has been made, and the point of equilibrium chosen, a
personality exists. The individual has shaped himself to face the world.
"And nothing short of a Heavenly miracle will ever change that shape!"
"You have said nothing about how the crystal caused you to attempt
suicide," said Fenwick.
"The crystal invalidated the molecular tape I had chosen to provide my
foundation program for living. The tape was completely shattered,
brought to an end. There was nothing left for me to go on."
* * * * *
"Wait a minute!" said Fenwick. "Even supposing this could happen as you
describe it, other programs could be selected out of the great number
you have described."
"Quite true. But do you know what happens to an adult human being when
the program on which his entire life is patterned is destroyed?"