ERRATA
“In whom the dear Errata column
Is the best page in all the volume.”
T. Moore.
Apologia: I am doubtful whether this record of human error
should be published here. Out of every possible hundred readers must
be deducted (1) teachers and examiners who are satiated with errata
and have ceased to be amused; (2) those who, like the benevolent
critic of the “Rejected Addresses,” think some of the answers very
good, and do not see why they should be rejected; (3) those who
require a surgical operation before they can be made to see any humour
in error. Yet there is a remnant, and for the remnant’s sake let the
chapter stand. The rest may skip.
“You must get very amusing answers from the children in school, do you
not?”
This was a favourite opening at lunch or dinner, when my neighbour had
found out my profession. I have usually replied that if I asked a silly
question, I was likely to get a silly answer: if I asked a sensible
question, and put it in plain English, understanded of the people, the
chances of amusement were few. By long experience one gets to know the
way in which children reason, and any neglect of caution might lead to
dreadful results.
For instance, there was my old friend, the Rev. Mr. Playne. He was
inspecting a school that I knew well, and was led by some word in the
reading lesson to enquire about professions.
“What am I?” he asked.
“A mon.”
“Yes, a _man_; but the Vicar is a man, and the Master is a man: what
sort of man am I?”
“A very hugly one,” was the answer, and the line of examination was
changed.
One should not lay oneself open to crushing rejoinders. I too have
been crushed, and I rashly told the piteous tale to a lady at dinner,
thinking to meet with sympathy. She contributed as much of the story as
she could remember to a newspaper; whence it was pirated by a compiler
of “Railway Jests,” and the mutilated fragment was shown to me by a
teacher after some years.
I also was hearing a class read, and we came to the word “Pilgrim.”
What, I asked, was a pilgrim?
A. “A man that goos about from place to place.”
Q. “But I go about from place to place: am I a pilgrim?”
A. “No: ’ee’s a _good_ mon.”
And the Vicar remarked _sotto voce_, “That’s one for you.”
Also one is very likely to get strange answers if the question soars
above the children’s comprehension. In another school the children were
reading from their own school-books a great speech by John Bright,
in which occurred the mystic words, “Urim and Thummim.” I asked the
meaning, and the Rector, an eminent scholar and divine, whispered
that _he_ didn’t know: to which I replied with the same secrecy, that
I didn’t know, but that as the words came in the school-book, the
children were bound to have a theory. They supplied two: (1) “When a
man hev a lot of property left un:” (2) “When the postman come to the
door.” The interpretation would have baffled Daniel, but the Rector
suggested that “thumping” was the clue: thumping legacy, thumping at
the door.
It was a similar sudden strain that produced from a Norfolk child the
definition of a philosopher: “a little thing with two wheels what you
ride about on.” Velocipedes were more common than philosophers in those
days.
But the safest path to comedy was to ask a thoroughly silly question,
and to get answered according to one’s folly. It was, I remember,
in what I may call the “Urim and Thummim” school, that while I was
examining the children, the Rector was revising a heap of divinity
examination papers from the training colleges. I heard a sudden
guffaw, and begged that I might have the joke, while it was still warm.
The question was, “What do we know of the antecedents of the man at the
Pool of Bethesda?” And the appropriate answer was, “It is clear that
his antecedents either were dead, or had grossly neglected him.”
Fool meets fool. But this rash style of question is more common in
oral examinations, and as one learns wisdom, comedy decreases. Twice a
year, however, our work changed, and a great mass of examination papers
poured in from the training colleges and other centres. The various
subjects were allotted, as a rule, according to our previously declared
wishes, and I took Geography, or History, with an occasional lapse into
English Grammar and Literature. Year after year I used to jot down
on an old atlas, or on the blank pages of a cheap history manual, as
the case might be, the best jokes of the batch, and the accumulated
treasures lie before me.
For the information of the outside world it must be premised, that most
of the candidates prepared for the examination in Geography and History
by learning by heart wretched text-books put into their hands by their
head-teachers. When the examination paper was laid before them, they
at once wrote down such paragraphs or pages as seemed to meet the
emergency.
“But though they wrote them all by rote,
They could not write them right,”
as the admirable Cambridge bard sang. Moreover, having from long
experience unbounded confidence in the leniency of H.M.I., they had no
doubt that “their acts would receive the most favourable construction”;
and if they could not remember the right page, they offered another
very nice article, much superior to the one asked for; as if it were a
patent pill; and they expected equal treatment for the changeling. An
account of Richard II. might be out of stock, or at least they could
not lay their hands on it: but surely an examiner would give _some_
marks for a biography of Richard III., with special reference to the
murder of the little Princes. A map of Africa (our own brand) was
surely as good as the demanded map of S. America: and if the man who
asked for a list of the exports of British India were not satisfied
with a highly imaginative list of the imports, at least he would not
take off any marks from the other questions.
This is the only explanation of the two following answers.[38] It will
be seen that the former excels in ignorance, the latter in irrelevance:
(1) Q. Give a short account of the way in which Great Britain became
the chief power in N. America from 1607 to 1763.
A. Queen Elizabeth was reigning in the year 1607. She ruled for a long
time, and was a very prosperous queen. Leicester was her favourite
for a long time, she was a very changable women, and no one remained
in her favour for a very long time. It was in her reign that the war
started in N. America. After Q. Elizabeth came her sister Queen Anne
and William Prince of Orange. Anne reigned with William six years.
After her death William reigned for 7 years. He called his parliament
and got together a lot of money with which he again renewed the war
in N. America in which he was very successful. George III. was the
next to reign being the grandson of Q. Elizabeth. He continued the war
that Elizabeth had begun and kept the war on till he had conquered the
whole of N. America.
(2) Q. What possessions in Europe have English sovereigns held? How
have such possessions influenced English History?
A. India is a possession that makes a great deal of difference or will
do to English History. The late Q. Victoria was made Empress of India.
It is a very large country and not a very healthy one. The natives
do not produce enough food in their own country and very often they
have a famine there. About 3 years ago they had a famine there and the
English people sent out a lot of food for them.
(Note: She has written seventy-seven words without approaching
Europe.)
Other strange customs and beliefs were noted annually. It was not
thought correct in geography, or in history, to mention India without
referring to the Black Hole of Calcutta: and indeed this popular
incident might be introduced anywhere on an emergency. Here are some
instances:
(1) By the treaty of Utrecht the English gained a good many battles.
They gained the entry through the Mediterranean sea, and also opened
trade to the Americans. These battles were mostly all won by Bute
viz. The battles of Vicissico, Maschuerits, Passaro and Vico Vosa.
The former being assisted by Marlborough who was one of the chief
persuaders of Queen Anne 1702. Bute though he tried his utmost to
make things successful he was hung by the vengence of the people.
The previous wars led to the Indian Mutiny where a great many of our
soldiers were ill-treated (known as the Blackhole affair at Calcutta).
This affair proving successful now was very sad at first.
(2) The Crimean war took place in 1704. In this war there were
thousands of them killed but the victory rested with the English. The
people were put into prison or the Black Hole as it was called and
then they were left to die. The heat of the day was so great and there
was no place to let air in, therefore they became romantic with thirst
and died in the morning only 27 remained alive.
(3) Q. What is the Mutiny Act?
A. The Mutiny Act was an Act passed by the Government in 1857 to put
an end to the atrocious crimes that were being carried on in India. It
was during this year that 186 persons were confined in the Black Hole
of Calcutta.
This method of learning history not only blends wars, disasters, and
centuries: it compounds and confounds men. Wellington and Nelson unite
to make one heroic figure, and at times borrow traits from others:
(1) The Duke of Wellington most of the Irishmen claim him as one of
their nationality, he was able to lead the whole of the British army
into Hyde Park, and lead them out of it again, he won many battles by
sea and in the last and greatest of these the Great Duke fell, some of
his officers wishing him not to dress in his uniform on this occasion
his last words were Thank God I have done my duty. He was carried by
his men from the post of duty in their arms to the cabin below.
(2) When quite young Wellington entered the king’s kitchen but after
a while he showed signs of wanting to join the regiment the king
therefore ordered him to the regulars where he was not very long
before he showed great skill in all military work. He served on the
sea and was afterwards sent to France where he gained the famous
victory at Waterloo. He was also present in the Crimean war and was
once sent to India to dispel some rioters in the Indian Mutiny; &c.,
&c.
Here Nelson escapes from the Duke and blends with Wolfe:
(3) While (Nelson) was suffering from the wound some of the British
soldiers exclaimed they run they run at which Nelson cried Who run and
when told he gave his last orders to Hardy: &c. &c.
And here the Duke escapes from Nelson and becomes Elizabethan:
(4) Q. State what you know about the Spanish Armada.
A. The war of the Spanish Armada was fought on the sea, at which the
English had a great many great and important ships of war and most
important naval commanders such as the Duke of Wellington. The war
was with the French with whom the English Spanish and Portuguese went
to fight against. The Duke of Wellington was afterwards made a great
general. God gave wisdom to our general and success to a good cause.
The Portuguese afterwards sent him his portrait and underneath it was
written Invincable Wellington from grateful Portugal. But the Duke
being asked for a copy of the print by a friend before he sent it
scored out the word invincable and underneath it wrote Dont halloo
till you are out of the wood which showed the Duke’s good sense.
It is difficult to remember at the end of this long story that the
original theme was the Armada. In the next example Wellington seems to
be confused with Bacon, as well as with Nelson:
Duke of Wellington was a great English general. He was the commander
of the English fleet during the Peninsular war, and won the following
battles Assaye &c., and greatest of all the Battle of Waterloo. He was
however charged with bribery after serving in Parliament a few years
he retired to his country residence where he died.
No one suffered so much from this blending method as the strange trio,
Sir Thomas More, Sir John Moore, and Thomas Moore, the poet. Here all
three appear:
Q. Who was Sir Thomas More?
A. Sir Thomas Moore was noted as a poet, a statesman and a soldier. He
was killed at the battle of Corunna.
Here two of the party are curiously mixed up with Henry de Bohun:
Sir Thomas More was a general in the English army. he was killed in
the battle of Bannockburn and buried in the dead of night.
This needs no comment:
The battle of Trafalgar commenced in the year 1705, when two
celebrated persons met with their death namely Sir John Moore and John
Jervis. Sir John Moore was a poet and the author of many celebrated
pieces of poetry.
John Hampden, the Hampton Court Conference, the Five Members, and the
Seven Bishops are a strangely assorted group:
(1) Hampton Court Conference. This conference took place in Charles
II’s reign: he wanted to compel the bishops and clergy to believe in
several articles he had drawn up. If they did not agree before the
feast which took place in a few days they were to be expelled from
their livings. The night before the feast seven bishops headed by John
Hampton presented themselves before Charles with a millenary roll with
several thousand names on begging them to be excused from his unjust
demands.
(Note: I think “the feast” was not a banquet, but the Feast
of St. Bartholomew: so that Charles II., James I. and James II. are
implicated.)
(2) Hampton Court Conference was passed in the year 1783. It was in
the reign of Charles. This was drawn up by 6 bishops and brought to
the King to be signed. When the King saw this he flew into a terrible
rage and would not sign it. This was awked about the streets, and all
the people were anxious to buy one.
(3) Blake is known in history as being one of the seven Bishops who
lived in the reign of James II. These seven Bishops among whom was
Blake had offended their king. When brought to trial he Blake was not
present, they had altogether hidden themselves, but however they did
appear. The day was in their favour and they were happily dismissed.
(Note: Some confusion between the Seven Bishops, and the Five
Members; Bishop Lake of Chichester, and Admiral Blake.)
It is evident that the acquaintance which such candidates had with
English history was limited: but one would think it safe to ask
pupil-teachers, aged 18-20, or assistant teachers, aged 20-30, about
the Young Pretender. These were the results of rash confidence on the
part of an optimist examiner:
Q. Who was the Young Pretender?
A. (1) The son of Oliver Cromwell.
(2) ... also known as William Pitt.
(3) The son of Edward VI the old Pretender. So called because he
pretended to be the little Earl of Warwick. Some people believed is
story but more than half the people disbelieved him. He was tried and
executed.
(4) Warren Hastings was known as the Old Pretender. The Duchess of
Burgundy helped him.
(5) ... was Prince Charles Edward who claimed to be one of the little
Princes murdered in the Tower. He was found to be a deceiver, and was
put into the king’s kitchen to work.
(6) The son of the old Pretender William Pitt, who was a claimant to
the throne in George 3’s time. He was one of the greatest statesmen
that ever lived. He was created Earl of Orford.
(7) [He] was quite harmless as may be seen from the way in which he
suffered himself to be hid by the maid in Scotland.
Again the examiner might suppose that all students of English history
had some knowledge of the Jacobite movements of 1715 and 1745; but the
following would open his eyes:
(1) Jacobites were originally followers of Jacob who went about in
various parts of the country for preaching purposes.
(2) Jacobite was the name given to the followers of Jackade. Jackade
was a person who pretended to be Duke of York. he marched through
London at the head of 6000 men: he went to Ireland and tried to
deceive them his followers were called Jacobites and Jacobin was the
name given to his government.
(The two next may need a note: they refer to the Rebecca Riots in
Wales, blended with Jacob, son of Rebekah. I think Rebekah had no
daughter.)
(3) They called themselves Jacobites from a passage in Scripture about
Jacob which passage they considered applicable to their own case.
Their object was to do away with the tolls at turn-pike gates and they
went to the root of the matter and destroyed the gates themselves.
(4) The Jacobites from the word Jacabus means James. The people of
this rebellion dressed themselves in a very odd fashion their dress
being like Rebeckah’s daughter of old. They were however subdued.
A friend brilliantly suggests that Jonadab, the son of Rechab, and the
Rechabites have been blended with Jacob, the Jacobites, Rebekah, and
Rebecca. I gratefully agree.
There were some candidates to whom the politics of George III.’s reign
were by no means clear:
Q. What effect had the French Revolution on Pitt, Fox, and Burke?
A. (1) The French Revolution led to such an extraordinary amount of
work on Pitt, who was then Prime Minister that he was overtaxed, and
could not contend against it therefore he resigned and led a life
of seclusion. Burke who was a great writer overtaxed his mind with
writing about the Revolution that he became partially insane. Fox was
noted for writing his celebrated Book of Martyrs about this time, he
also was forced to lead a life of seclusion on account of worry, and
anxiety of the revolution.
(2) Pitt and Fox were great rivals in the House. Burke was in France.
The Revolution occurred in 1857, and these three men who were clever
and had a lot of foresight banded themselves together so that they
could be able to quell any signs of a rebellion in England. They all
saw what a lot of mischief had been done in France, and thought it
wise though differing in politics to be on the safe side.
(3) Pitt, Burke, and Fox were strongly opposed to the French
Revolution, they foretold what would happen but the remainder of
Parliament would heed their warnings. Pitt rose from his sick bed and
ministered unto them but to no effect.
(Note: The reader will have some difficulty in awarding the
prize among the last batch. Fox, the religious writer; Pitt, the
ministering angel: these are two great conceptions.)
Now we come more clearly to another form of idiocy, the Happy
Conjecture; which enables a candidate wholly ignorant of the matter in
hand to evolve an answer of considerable length out of some familiar
word in the question. Here is an illustration. In 1641 a Bill was
introduced “for the utter abolition of Archbishops, Bishops, Deans,
&c.,” and a forcible epigrammatist of that day called it the “Root and
Branch Bill.” In 1901 an inquisitive examiner put in the History paper:
“What was the Root and Branch Bill?” “Root?” said the candidates;
“Branch?” said they: “it can do no harm ... here goes:”
(1) It was passed so that no one could cut down the trees or take the
wood without the permission of the king.
(2) A bill dealing with the root of the matter, and certain branches
relating to it.
(3) It was drawn up The Root to represent the whole of the crown money
and the branch part of it the loans and money added to the crown money.
(4) A Bill that was made to shield the Presbyterians from the
Protestant community.
(Note: In No. 4 which was the Root?)
In the same paper they were asked to explain the term “Villeins”; and
in like manner they said to themselves “‘villains,’ archaic spelling,
pedantic examiner” and they conjectured; one as an indignant Dissenter,
another as a bigoted Churchman, a third as an undenominational idiot:
(1) Men who committed dastardly and vile tricks. Many of them were
becoming clergymen in the reign of Henry II it will be remembered
until it was decided that they should be tried by the King’s Court.
This of course stopped their treacherous games.
(2) The villein was religious rising, the people in this rising were
called Villeins, they did not believe in Baptism, Holy Communion, and
Confirmation.
(3) A villein was a person who was ordered to do some cruel deed.
He was generally paid very dearly for doing so. A good example of
villeins is seen in the case of the murder of the two princes in the
Tower.
All these pale before the brilliancy of the reply to the following
fearful question:
Q. How was the Coalition Ministry of 1783 formed? Name the most
prominent Members. What causes led to its fall?
My candidate came from the Lancashire coalfield, near the Bridgwater
Canal. “Coal-ition,” she said, and she read her title clear,
with the aid of local knowledge:
A. During the year 1783 Mr. Brindle and Mr. ---- cut a canal from
Worsley to Manchester so that the people of Manchester could have coal
much cheaper than they were having. When the time came for opening
the canal Mr. Brindle ran away and hid himself. It turned out to be a
great success and it has proved to be very useful to Manchester people
till lately. Coal is now much cheaper and there are so many coalpits
round the district that it is much cheaper getting coal nearer home.
Here are some miscellaneous blends:
(1) (Character of Henry VIII.) Of a sour and hasty disposition he
was not long in wreaking his vengeance upon those who should happen
to fall under his displeasure, _e. g._ Wolsey, who incurred Henry’s
displeasure by not taking his part in a quarrel the king had with the
clergy through a hasty speech of the king, who in an angry moment
exclaimed have I no one to rid me of this low-born priest. This caused
four Norman knights who heard the king say this to set off at once to
Canterbury Cathedral to murder the man Wolsey on the spot.
(2) (The Pilgrim Fathers.) A number of men who set out on foot for the
Holy Land travelling night and day on foot were called the Pilgrim
Fathers, because they were thought Christians if they travelled and
denied themselves every comfort. It was the Pilgrim Fathers who kept
sacred the cutting of the miseltoe from the oak, the keeping up of
Christmas, Good Friday, and such like.
(3) Q. What do you know of Anselm?
A. Anselm Archbishop of Canterbury was imprisoned by William II. He
escaped from prison by the aid of a coil of rope sent to him concealed
in a bottle of wine.
(Note: In the second of the above three answers the last
sentence puzzles me. I am inclined to suggest “Puritans” for “Pilgrim
Fathers,” and “denounced” for “kept sacred.” The third answer gave me
much trouble, but patient search showed that Henry II. (not William)
imprisoned Flambard (not Anselm, and no Bishop) and that the rope was
hidden in a jar (not a bottle).)
(4) Freedom of Trade may be attributed to General Washington who
entered the Bristol Channel with a cargo of tea from America which was
upset by the English causing a war with the Americans.
(5) Q. Name three Prime Ministers: describe the policy of one of them.
A. Edmund Burke, Walter Scott, Bothwell. Bothwell was a great writer:
he wrote about bills and cheques.
(Note: Bothwell and Boswell one knows, though not as Prime
Ministers: but it was Byles who wrote on Bills, and it would be strange
if the candidate had ever heard of his work.)
(6) Q. Mention with dates any risings in the times of the Tudors.
A. In the rising of Jack Cade he mustered up a large number of rebels
who under there desperate leader plundered everything before them,
and finally entered London of which they took possession. Cade was
slain by Wallworth the Lord Mayor, and the rebels without their leader
became so desperate that the king’s life was in danger, but Henry took
off his helmet and exclaimed stay I am Henry of Winchester, kill not
your king.
(Note: Cade is blended with Wat Tyler, who was killed by
Walworth in presence of Richard II.: neither Cade nor Tyler lived in
Tudor times. Henry of Winchester, alias Henry III., made his appeal in
1265, nearly 200 years before the first Tudor king.)
Theology is as perplexing as politics: here are some instances:
(1) High Church are the high minded members of the Church of England.
They believe in incense, the worshipping of the cross, and many other
hideous notions.
(2) The Puritans tried to make a great distinction between the Whigs
or Court party and themselves. They wore sober garments indulged in no
vices and avoided the Society of the Whigs. Only thing really approved
of was sermons.
(3) Strafford and Laud two archbishops in the reign of Henry 8 were
impeached for denying the doctrine of transsubstantiation.
(4) Henry VIII. was a very strict Protestant and wished to confirm all
Europe. He sent out men as missionaries to preach the gospel and to
tell the people of the good the wood receive if they believed it.
The weariness of wading through a thousand of these examination papers
was terrible. We were as gold-diggers washing gravel of a poor quality,
and we hailed the smallest nugget with shouts of delight. Some of these
are small, but to our hungry souls the gold seemed good:
(1) Q. What do you know of Dr. Arnold?
A. Dr. Arnold was hung as a spy by Washington during the American war.
(Note: Blending General Arnold, Dr. Arnold, and Major Andrè.)
(2) The Black Prince died from injuries received by his horse.
(3) John Knox introduced the revival of learning, the steam roller,
and the printing press.
(4) Edward III. said he was the dughter of Arabella.
(Note: Meaning to say “the son of Isabella,” blended with
Arabella Stuart.)
* (5) James I. was a great Catholic. He was not at all brave. It is
said of him that he padded his clothes for fear he would be knocked.
* (6) The Cabinet consists of the Private Secretaries, the Foreign
Secretaries, the Colonial Secretaries, and the Poet Laureate.
* (7) Oliver Cromwell called Sept. 14 his lucky day: he died on Sept.
14, but he still called it his lucky day.
* (8) Christianity was introduced into England by Julius Cæsar in 55
B.C.
* (9) The Black Prince got his name from the great disease. (Qu.:
Meaning the Black Death?)
* (10) Magna Charter was a very good woman to the poor. Her photograph
is on the stained glass windows of the Church of Scotland.
These came from the rich mine of History. Geography was not so
auriferous. To drop the metaphor, the candidates were less amusing in
Geography, because they were less ignorant. They had learned Geography
as children, but as a rule they picked up their notions of History
from manuals, compiled by writers of a low grade, dealing chiefly in
anecdotes and picturesque phrases. But there were bright moments even
in revision of Geography. The simple questions, there as in History,
were often the most fruitful. One would think that all pupil teachers,
all book readers, and newspaper readers had heard of the equinox, and
the Midnight Sun. But look at these answers to demands for explanation
of the terms. First the Equinox:
An imaginary line drawn across the sky. Land lying on or near the
equator. The axis on which the earth turns. A wind which blows from
April to September, they are called Equinoctial gales. When the sun
and moon are on the zenith they are said to be in the equinox. A
peculiar animal in South America. The part where the earth and sun
pass one another. &c., &c.
Then the Midnight Sun:
The sun is visible at midnight from the top of Mount Riga where hotels
have been built especially for tourists who go to see the midnight sun.
(Note: This comes of reading Mark Twain on the Rigi sunrise.)
When the sun shines on the northern part of the earth it takes more
than one day to get in the shadow of the earth on account of it moving
so slowly.
The midnight sun is caused by certain gases igniting in the air. These
gases are at rest when apart from each other, but at their joining
they light up the whole parts thus occupied by them, and thus give
light to all the northern parts of Europe.
That is so scientific that a modest examiner hesitates to give it O:
and the next is still more imposing:
Q. “The sun never sets on the British Empire.” Explain this.
A. It is quite true. The British Empire being mostly surrounded by
ocean is deprived of the sun’s rays as the water has the greater
attraction for it. It is also responsible for this on account of its
position from the equator.
And this again throws a new light on things:
Iron is usually mined in the most populated area which seems
providential as much labour is attached to its thorough preparation.
It must have been a relative of that candidate, who first noted the
providential arrangement by which large rivers always run through large
towns.
Even verbal eccentricity was found wonderfully refreshing at times:
(1) The rivers of Queensland being most of the year ... mere poodles.
(2) Amsterdam is built on stilts.
(3) There are immense forests round the shores of the Baltic and
tobogganing is a great trade.
(4) Cologne cathedral built in the Elizabethan style of architecture.
Here are some unclassified follies:
(1) A cyclone is an instrument for telling the distance of travelling.
(Note: The candidate must have been surprised to find a cyclometer in a
Geography paper.)
(2) Cyclones are the evaporation of volcanoes.
(3) The dingo is a bird with a face like a dog.
(4) (Trees of Australia.) The cow-tree, octopus, and large palms are
very plentiful.
(5) The Plateau of Tibet is noted for the Tibet goat. I cannot say
whether the goat took its name from the Plateau or the plateau from
the goat.
(Note: She would feel the same difficulty about the Skye
terrier and the Cheshire cat. Did the cat take its name from the
county, or the county from the cat?)
(6) Hong Kong before it came into possession of England consisted of a
few shanties and huts: at the present time it consists of mountains,
valleys, and rivers.
(7) Rangoon a Prussian seaport on the Baltic so called because it is
situated on a Rangoon, salt water lake.
(Note: Take the island of Rügen, the port of Riga in Russia, a
lagoon from the Adriatic, and Rangoon in Burmah, and mix.)
English Literature papers seldom came my way. They were very
exhausting, for the candidates wrote essays of appalling dreariness,
and there were few oases. I have a few samples.
Q. Name the authors of the following works:
Work. Author.
Ans: Short Way with Dissenters. Trolloph.
Tale of a Tub. William Wordsworth.
Rape of the Lock. Adam Beade.
Campaign. Mrs. Browning.
Rights of Man. Jessie Fothergill.
The really funny thing about that list is that it is absolutely
genuine, and the work of one candidate. And I defy any one to make a
better list, trying to be wrong.
This life of Wordsworth is nearly as good:
William Wordsworth was born in Hampshire of poor humble but God
fearing parents. They had a very large family and sometimes hardly
knew how to make ends meet. They were educated at any ordinary every
day school but William had always a taste for poetry and thought he
should like to become a poet, and in order to have their son’s wish
gratified his parents denied themselves so that he might have books to
study and to try to send him to some college. He was a very studious
youth and made a very good scholar. He worked very hard at Oxford to
try and repay his parents who had now become old for their self-denial
on his behalf. He helped them with his purse. He wrote several very
simple, and interesting poems and they soon became known. In this way
he obtained a very nice livehood. He was a very dutiful son, hard work
and painstaking. At school he was liked by his fellow companions for
whom he had always a joke ready at hand. Some of his poems are now
used in our Elementary schools such as “We are seven.” He was born in
the year 1626 and died in 1785 aged 59 years.
(Note: According to the Nat. Biography he was son of an attorney; was
born in Cumberland, educated at the Grammar School at Hawkeshead, and
at St. John’s, Cambridge. (1780-1850.) But it is agreed that he wrote
“We are seven.” The candidate’s subtraction is weak.)
About 1902 some theorist discovered that our pupil teachers were
lamentably weak in knowledge of common things, and he persuaded the
Board to add a paper on “General Information” to the already heavy
list. I at once applied for the office of reviser, on the twofold
ground that it would be easy to coach up the answers, and that the
wrong answers would be amusing. I soon found that from my point of
view the merits of the paper were over-rated; and as the Board found
the same thing from their point of view, the paper was dropped. But it
provided me with a few gems:
The examiner began with some well-known buildings and places: “Where
and what are the following?”
The Forth Bridge.
The Phœnix Park.
The Coliseum.
&c., &c.
A. (1) The Fourth Bridge is so called because it is the last of 4
bridges.
(2) The Forth Bridge is in Venice where the suspects were led by the
Counsel of three, and were never heard of afterwards.
(3) The Phœnix Park is in Ireland: so called because of the Phoeneans
having been there.
(4) The Phœnix Park scene of the assassination of Mr. Phœnix.
(5) The Phœnix Park is an insurance.
(6) The Coliseum of Rhodes is the form of a great elephant one of the
seven wonders of the world.
Then he asked the candidates, the great majority of whom were girls,
about dogs, their appearance, and their special uses. One girl said
that “the fox terrier runs sideways,” but she did not explain. Another
described the “St. Bernard dog renowned for saving snow-hidden
wanderers in the Torrid regions.” A third chose “the scavanger dog, a
very ungamely dog. It belogs to the Eastern countries all refuse is put
out at night and clears it away before morning.”
Lastly, as far as we are concerned, he asked the meaning of the
following expressions: “The Green-Eyed Monster,” “the sere and yellow
leaf,” “the Thin Red Line,” &c., &c.
The Green Eyed Monster was defined as “indigestion”: according to
another it “refers to a whale”: according to a skittish one, “sometimes
the headmaster or headmistress of a school appears to be a green-eyed
monster in the eyes of her pupils and also teachers sometimes.”
The sere and yellow leaf was “a certain kind of tobacco.”
The thin red line was “The charge at Baraklava headed by Sir Colin
Campbell during the Indian Mutiny.”
It was, I think, in another paper, that these quaint views appeared:
Q. What do you understand by a quorum, a minute book, &c.? A. A quorum
is a question asked at a meeting which the chairman is unable to
answer. A minute book is a book kept, with the exact number of minutes
allotted to the speakers at a meeting.
Q. What are the duties of the chairman? A. The chairman performs the
doxology.
Q. What remedy would you suggest for burns? A. Stripes of hot vinegar
are very affecting.
At the end of many days’ revision of such-like skimble-skamble
stuff an inspector wrote: “Complaint is sometimes made that the
training colleges do not provide sufficient accommodation for all the
applicants, but the plain inference from the perusal of these papers,
having due regard to the spelling, the grammar, and the acquaintance
with the subject shown by the candidates, is that a kindergarten class
in an idiot asylum would be a more fitting place of learning.”
It will have been seen that our Errata are secular. We did not examine
in divinity. But twice a year, at one time, I used to meet Diocesan
inspectors, who kept large volumes of the most hideous blunders in
their own subject. One of these I remember for its exceeding ingenuity.
The question was, “What do you mean by ‘a graven image’?” And the
answer was “An idle maid with hands.” Now it is clear to my mind that
this is not to be regarded as bad spelling; but that the definition
had been given orally, and that the impression produced on the child’s
mind was that of a naughty girl “as didn’t do no work though she had
hands to do it with.” And I think she had heard her father accuse her
mother of “doin’ nothink but set theer like a bloomin’ image.” Then she
combined the ideas.
To this I would add a delightful blend from a pupil teacher examination:
When the Israelites had gone God told Noah to go out into the city and
tell all the Israelites that if King Pharoah did not let the people
go he would drown the world. And it came to pass, when God did drown
the world, and all the beasts and every living creature in it. During
the flood God told Noah to build an ark and it was to float on top of
the water. In it save Noah and his family and with the two tables of
stone: &c., &c.
FOOTNOTES:
[38] In all cases except those marked with an asterisk, the answers are
copied _verbatim et literatim_ from the originals: in most cases I have
the name of the writer, or of the school, or centre of examination.
The starred answers are supplied by colleagues, and may be considered
authentic.
And in all cases the Spelling, the Grammar, and the Punctuation are
original. “For Heaven’s sake, reader, take them not for mine.”