The most ewentfoollest day of the hole year broke, as the poets says,
without almost not no fog, on Wensday larst, to my grate serprise and
joy; but noing, from long xperiens, how unsertain is whether at this
orful seasun of the year, I took jest one leetel glass of hold brandy
before setting out on my arjus dootys. I was encurraged to do so also
by the horful rumers as was spread about, weeks afore, as to threttend
atacks on the sacred Show by some disapinted prottestens, I think they
called theirselves, as hadn't bin inwited to the Bankwet, and so meant
to prottest accordingly.
But I needn't a bin alarmd, for the most respekful mob as filled the
streets was as quiet as mice, havin heard, I'm told, as how as the
Copperashun had had the lectric light turned on at Gildhall, by which
means, of course, they coud comunicate with any-wheres, and so know
where to send an hole army of Waiters to, well fortyfide, and armed
to the teeth with a splendid Lunch, to help the pore Perlice in their
arjus dootys.
From wot I seed of the butifool Sho, I shood give the cake to the
Frute-Makers' splendid Car, all covered with the most butifool Frute,
all made, too, in England, as it trewthfoolly said on both sides of
the high-backed Car. The second plaice I shood give to the numerus
butifool young Ladys, with most butifool flaxin air, all most bisily
ingaged in a twistlin and a twiddlin of luvly gold and silver wire, on
a Car belongin to the Makers of Gold and Silver Wire Drorers, wich I
heard a most respectfool carpenter declare, must, he thort, be most
uncomferal to wear. With that good fortun as allers atends the Hed
Waiter, I seem to have atracted the notis of one of the most butifool
of the young Ladys afoursaid, for she acshally tossed me a luvly
littel bit of reel golden wire, which I shall trezure nex my art for
years, if so be as how it don't skratch.
The grand Bankwet, with its nine hunderd Gestes, was as ushal, about
the grandest thing of the kind as the world has ever seen, but sumhows
it struck me as the gents was much more impashent for their wittles
than they ushally is. At my pertickler tabel, the two gents at the
top was that trubblesum about the reel Turtel-soup as I ain't a tall
accumstumed to, and I amost poured a hole ladel-full down the fine
shirt-front of one of em; and then, trying at the next help to awoid
him, I sent my helbow full into the face of the other, and a pretty
fuss he made, you bet, and acshally torked of sending for the
souperintendent, ewidently not knowing who I was.
The same himpashent Gent amost worried my life out arterwards, and all
about a glass of _plane_ water as he called it, and when I told him as
I didn't think as we hadn't not none in the plaice, but I coud get him
a bottel of amost any kind of Shampane as he liked to name; he again
said as he wood call for the souperintendent. So in course I had
to go for some, and a preshus long time it took me to get it; the
wine-steward naterally sayin as he never before herd of sich a order
on sich a ocasion, and he had only one bottel with him, and when I
took it to the himpashent Gent, and told him so, he fairly roared with
larfter, and told it all round as a capital joke! I wunders where the
joke was.
When the dinner was over and the speaches began, I got permishun to
stand unner the gallery for to hear them; but strange to tell, not a
word coud I hear, and them as I did hear I coudn't unnerstand. So I
began for to fear as crewel age was a tarnishing of my 'earrings, so
I moved to the other end of the 'All jest in time for to hear a werry
dark but gennelmanly young feller, as was called the Gayqueer, or
some such wonderfool name, and who, I was told, come all the way
from Indier, make sitch a grand and nobel speach, and in quite as
good Inglish as ewen I coud use, as got him more applorse from the
distinguisht hordiens than all the speaches maid by Her Madjesty's
Ministers put together. Always xceptin the Lawyers, for they seems to
have sitch a jolly good time of it, that they are allers as reddy to
cause a larf as to enjoy one. We all seemed sumhow to miss the werry
PRIME MINISTER--we are all so acustomd to see the werry top of the
tree, that we don't quite like being put off with a mere bow, however
big and himportant it may be; besides, I must confess as I do like
to hear his luvly woice, ewen when I don't quite unnerstand all as he
says. So I don't suppose as any one of my numerus readers will quarrel
with me when I says, better luck nex time.