(_TELEGRAPHIC PRÉCIS OF THE NEGOCIATIONS._)
_First Day._--Arrived safely at the Sultan's capital. Everything in
proper order. Draft Treaty in my trunk with my diplomatic uniform.
Escort in marching order. Ammunition in waggon. Quite ready to
commence negociations. Only waiting for the conjuring paraphernalia
of Herr VON KLEVERMANN to come up with us. Thought that that special
morning performance before the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands
would delay matters.
_Second Day._--Herr VON KLEVERMANN and his traps have arrived in
camp. Looked over the conjuring tricks. Sorry to find that one of the
best (the Inexhaustible Bottle) has been stolen by the Queen of the
Cannibal Islands. As time is an object, unable to send back to recover
it. Might have to fight for it, too, which would possibly lessen the
numbers of our escort. Experts declare that the Inexhaustible Bottle
could only be secured at the point of the bayonet. Have arranged for
a meeting with the Sultan to-morrow.
_Third Day._--Sultan's toothache better. His Majesty having sent word
that he would be glad to see me, I, accompanied by the Interpreter,
the Commander of the Escort, and last, but certainly not least,
Herr VON KLEVERMANN, arrived at the Palace. Found that the Lord High
Chamberlain had been removed yesterday. The Lord High Executioner
was acting in his stead. In fact, this overworked official seemed
to be the solitary survivor of the Imperial Household. The Lord
High Executioner told us that His Majesty had been very irritable
yesterday. The Sultan, he said, was now in a good temper, and was
quite harmless. I found His Majesty most gracious. However, he
said that he was not quite prepared to sign a Commercial Treaty. He
offered, in lieu of signature, to give me twelve sacks of emeralds
(uncut), and the wives of six of his Field-Marshals. Explained that
no representative of England could entertain such a suggestion. The
Sultan, upon this, terminated the interview.
_Fourth Day._--The Sultan having learned that Herr VON KLEVERMANN
was a member of my _suite_, expressed a wish for a second meeting.
I consequently attended at the Palace. Herr VON KLEVERMANN, having
produced a number of artificial-flowers, a birdcage, and a rabbit,
from an Opera-hat, His Majesty asked the price. I immediately replied,
a Treaty of Commerce. I am to sail again to-morrow.
_Fifth Day._--Had another interview with His Majesty. The Sultan
wanted to know the terms of the proposed Treaty. I replied, free
access to the interior for British merchandise, and the abolition of
slavery. His Majesty replied, he did not mind the abolition of slavery
so much, on the understanding that the regulation did not apply to
him. Herr VON KLEVERMANN then produced his Magic hat, and brought out
from it a cup of coffee, half-a-dozen recently-washed handkerchiefs,
and a white mouse. The last item caused us to be hurriedly expelled
from the Palace. It appears that the Sultan greatly objects to mice.
The Interpreter should have informed me of this peculiarity.
_Sixth Day._--Received a message from His Majesty to the effect that
he would be glad to see me and Herr VON KLEVERMANN again, on the
condition that nothing objectionable should be produced from the
Magic hat. Herr VON KLEVERMANN once more gave a _séance_. The eminent
entertainer extracted from the Gibus a portmanteau, a soup-tureen, and
a lady's watch. His Majesty greatly delighted. He signed the Treaty,
and possessed himself of the hat.
_Seventh Day._--Knowing that it was as well to leave the country as
soon as possible, started early. Herr VON KLEVERMANN had expressed
his doubts whether His Majesty would be satisfied. It appears that
the Magic hat requires a good deal of preparation to be effective. The
Herr's forebodings of evil were speedily verified. The Mission had
not gone a mile before we were followed by the entire army. We made a
demonstration with the machine-gun, which had the effect of destroying
six or seven brigades of the enemy. The Sultan in person, declared
that he considered the Treaty null. Nothing to do but retire as best
we could.
_Eighth Day._--Deeply regret failure of the Mission. However, find
that the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands are anxious for
annexation to England. They seem impressed with the notion that
the British Government have power to cause a flow of spirits from
the Inexhaustible Bottle which, since the departure of Herr VON
KLEVERMANN, has ceased to yield alcoholic drinks. Of course, shall do
nothing in this new matter until I receive further instructions.
_Ninth Day._--Embarked on my return home.
* * * * *
[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.