on the foreign Shore of _Dia_. She had nothing on but a loose wrapping
Gown, without Stockings or Cap: and her Hair hung dishevelled over her
Shoulders. She complained of the Cruelty of _Theseus_ to the deep
Waves, whilst an unworthy Shower of Tears ran down her Cheeks. She
wept, and lamented aloud, and both became her; nor did her Tears
diminish her Beauty. Once, and again, she beat her delicious Breasts
with her Hands, and cried aloud, _The perfidious Man hath abandoned
me; What will become of poor _Ariadne_? What will become of poor
_Ariadne_?_ On a sudden a vast Multitude was heard, while many Kinds
of strange Instruments, like those of the miserable Masons,
accompanied the Voices. The poor Lady sunk with Fear; and suppressed
her last Words; nor did the least Blood remain in her Countenance. And
now behold the _Bacchanalian_ Women, with their Hair about their Ears,
and the light Satyrs, who are always Forerunners of the God. Behold
old Master _Silenus_[47] as drunk as a Piper, riding on an Ass, which
he is hardly able either to sit or guide. The old Gentleman,
endeavouring to follow the _Bacchanalians_, who fly from him and
towards him, sets Spurs to his Ass, which being a vicious Beast,
kicked up, and threw him over his Ears: upon which all the Satyrs set
up a loud Shout, crying out, _Rise, Father, rise and be d----nd to
you_. And now the God himself, high mounted on his Four-Wheel Chaise,
the Top of which was adorned with Grapes, and which he drove himself,
flung his Golden Reins over the Backs of his Pair of Tygers. Poor
_Ariadne's_ Colour forsook her Cheeks, and _Theseus_ and her Voice at
once deserted her Lips. Thrice she attempted to fly, and thrice being
retained, she grew stiff with Fear, and stood trembling as Corn waves
in the Field, or Reeds on the River Bank, when fanned by the Wind. To
whom the God; _Behold, Madam, a more faithful Lover at your Feet: Fear
nothing, Lady fair, you shall be the Wife of _Bacchus_. The Sky shall
be your Dowry, where shining in a bright Constellation, by the Name of
_Ariadne's_ Crown, you shall often direct the doubtful Mariner's
Passage._ He said; and leaping from his Chariot, lest _Ariadne_ should
be afraid of the Tygers, the Sand sunk under the Weight of his Feet;
and catching her instantly in his Arms, he carried her, who was
incapable of scratching, directly off; (for every Thing, we know, is
in the Power of a Deity:) And now, whilst Part of his Train sing the
_Hymenaeum_, and other cry _Evie Evoe_, two very mysterious Words, and
full of Masonry, the God and his new-ravished Bride go together,
between a Pair of sacred Sheets.
Whenever therefore you happen to be in Company with a pretty Girl over
a Bottle, pray heartily to _Bacchus_, and invoke his nocturnal Rites,
that the Wine may not get into your Head. You may now take an
Opportunity to toast some Nymph by a fictitious Name, of whom you may
say an hundred amorous Things; all which, with the least Assistance,
she will readily apply to herself. Double Entendres likewise may be
used. You may moreover draw certain Figures in Wine on the Table; and
after having spoken of your Mistress in the third Person, you may take
this Method of writing her Name, and convincing her, that she herself
is the Goddess.
But let your gloating Eyes inform her of your Passion: for an
expressive Countenance often finds both Words and Utterance.
When she drinks, receive the Cup from her; and let her see you
industrious to find out the Place before pressed by her Lips; and then
drink eagerly at the same.
And whatever Part of the Meat she shall touch with her Fingers, do not
fail to give the Preference to that: if in catching at it, you touch
her Hand into the Bargain, it is the better.
But above all Things, let it be your Endeavour to please her Keeper,
if she have any: For to make a Friend of him will be very useful to
you both.
When you are at Table, let him be always helped first, and to the most
elegant Tid-Bit; and when you drink together, offer him always the
Place of Toast-maker; whether he be your Inferiour or your Equal, let
him always choose before you, and be not ashamed to trowel him well
over with Flattery.
It is a safe and common Way to deceive under Pretence of Friendship; I
must own, however safe and common it is, it is not altogether
blameless.
This is indeed a Dishonesty not very unlike that of a Major Domo, who
under the Colour of Friendship empties your Cellars of your Wine, by
pushing the Bottle further than is necessary.
Now to fix a certain Stint to your Cups, I allow you never to drink
till your Head becomes giddy, and your Feet begin to totter.
Beware of Quarrels, which are often occasioned by Wine. Let not your
Hands be too ready to strike in your Cups.
Remember the old Story of the Wedding of _Pyrothous_[48] and many more
where drunken Fools by being quarrelsome in their Liquor have come
short home. A Drinking Bout is in Reality a properer Scene for Joke
and Mirth, than for Fighting.
I proceed to other Lessons[49]. If you have a Voice, then sing; if you
have handsome Legs, cut Capers, or slide into the Minuet Step. In
short, endeavour to please your Mistress, by exerting those Talents in
which Nature hath given you to excel.
Now, as real Drunkenness may be hurtful to you, so you may sometimes
reap Advantages by pretending yourself in Liquor, by Stammering or
Lisping a little slyly: For then if you should descend to some
Expressions of the grosser Kind, it will be imputed to your having
taken a Cup too much.
Drink Bumpers to the Health of your Mistress, and of the Gentleman
with whom she is obliged to sleep; but I do not insist on your being
extremely sincere on this Occasion: for you may heartily wish him
hanged at the same Time, if you please.
When the Company rises to go away, there is always a Confusion in the
Room, of which you may take Advantage. You may then creep close up to
your Mistress, may perhaps palm her, and gently tread on her Toes.
Whenever you have an Opportunity of speaking to her privately, be not
bashful like a Country Boobily Squire. Remember Fortune and Love both
favour the Bold.
I do not intend to lay down any Rules for your Oratory on this
Occasion. Do but begin boldly, and you will be Eloquent of course: Set
this only before you, that you are to act the Part of a Lover, to talk
of Wounds and Darts, and Dying and Despair, and all that, as Mr.
_Bayes_ says: For if you can once make her believe you are in Love,
your Business is done. To create therefore this Faith in her, you
must employ every Art of which you are Master.
Nor is this indeed so difficult a Task: For every Woman believes
herself to be the Object of Love; be she never so ugly, she is still
amiable in her own Eye.
Sometimes indeed no Deceit is in the End put on the Woman, for her
pretended Lover becomes often a real one, and is the very Creature
which he before personated.
And by the Way, young Ladies, let me tell you this is no small
Encouragement to you, to countenance such Pretences; for if you manage
well, you may often inspire a Man with Love in Earnest, while he is
endeavouring to impose a fictitious Passion upon you.
But to return to my Scholars. Flatter with all your Might: for the
Mind is taken as it were by Stealth, by Flattery, even as the Bank
which hangs over a River is undermined by the liquid Waves.
Never be weary therefore of commending her Face, or her Hair; her
taper Arm, or her pretty little Foot.
The chastest Matrons are fond of hearing the Praises of their Beauty;
and the purest Virgins make the Charms of their Persons at once their
Business and their Pleasure.
What else is meant by that ancient Fable of _Juno_ and _Pallas_, whom
the _Greek_ Poets represent as yet ashamed of the Conquest obtained by
_Venus_.
This Vanity seems to extend itself to Animals, in many of which we may
observe some Traces of it.
The peacock, if you seem to admire her, spreads forth her Golden
Plumes, which she never displays to an indifferent Spectator.
The Race-Horse, while he is running for a Plate, enjoys the Beauties
of his well-combed Mane, and gracefully turned Neck.
Secondly, to Flattery, add Promises, and those not timorous nor
sneaking ones. If a Girl insists upon a Promise of Marriage, give it
her, and bind it by many Oaths[D]; for no Indictment lies for this
sort of Perjury.
The Antients vented horrid Impieties on this Occasion, and introduced
_Jupiter_ shaking his Sides at the Perjuries of Lovers, and ordering
the Winds to puff them away: Nay, he is said to have forsworn himself
even by _Styx_ to _Juno_: and therefore, say they, he encourages Men
to follow his Example.
[Note D: This is the most exceptionable Passage in the whole Work. We
have endeavoured to soften it as much as possible; but even as it now
stands, we cannot help expressing Detestation of this Sentiment, which
appears shocking even in a Heathen Writer.]
But though a Christian must not talk in this Manner, yet I believe it
may be one of those Sins which the Church of _Rome_ holds to be
venial, or rather venal.
I would here by no Means be suspected of Infidelity or Profaneness. It
is necessary there should be a God; and therefore we must believe
there is; nay, we must worship him: For he doth not possess himself in
that indolent State in which the Deities of _Epicurus_ are depictured.
If we live innocent Lives, we may depend on the Care of his
Providence.
Restore faithfully whatever is deposited in your Hands: Be just in all
your Contracts: Avoid all Kind of Fraud, and be not polluted with
Blood. A wise Man will be a Rogue only among the Girls: For in all
other Articles a Gentleman will be ashamed of breaking his Word.
And what is this more than deceiving the Deceivers? The Sex are for
the greatest Part Impostors; let them therefore fall in the Snares
which they have spread for others.
Perhaps you have never read the Justice of _Busiris_; when Egypt was
burnt up Nine Years together for want of Rain, one _Thrasius_ a
Foreigner came to Court, and being introduced to the King by
_Clementius Cotterelius_, he acquainted his Majesty, that _Jupiter_
was to be propitiated by the Blood of a Stranger. The King Answered
him, _Then thou thyself shalt be the first Victim, and with thy
foreign Blood shalt give Rain to Egypt_.
To the same Purpose is the Story of _Phalaris_, who roasted the Limbs
of _Perillus_ in his own Bull: Thus making Proof of the Goodness of
the Work by the Torments of the unhappy Maker.
Now there was great Justice in both these Examples; for nothing can be
more equitable than that the Inventers of Cruelty should perish by
their own Art.
To apply this to our present Purpose: As there is no Deceit or Perjury
which Women will stick at putting in use against us, let them lament
the Consequence of their own Examples.
Thirdly, Tears are of great Service. The Proverb tells you, _Tears
will move Adamant_. If you can bring it about therefore, let your
Mistress see your Cheeks a little blubbered upon Occasion.
If Tears should refuse to come (as they sometimes will) an Onion in
your Handkerchief will be of great use.
Fourthly, Kisses. What Lover of any Sense doth not mix Kisses with his
tender Expressions! Perhaps she will not give them easily: No Matter,
take them without her Leave.
Perhaps she will scratch, and say you are rude: Notwithstanding her
Scratches, she will be pleased with your getting the better.
Do this, however, in so gentle a Manner, that you may not hurt her
tender Lips; nor let her complain of being scrubbed with your Beard.
Now when you have proceeded to Kisses, if you proceed no farther, you
may well be called unworthy of what you have hitherto obtained. When
you was at her Lips, how near was you to your Journey's End! If
therefore you stop there, you rather deserve the Name of a bashful
'Squire than of a modest Man.
The Girls may call this perhaps Violence; but it is a Violence
agreeable to them: For they are often desirous of being pleased
against their Will: For a Woman taken without her Consent,
notwithstanding her Frowns, is often well satisfied in her Heart, and
your Impudence is taken as a Favour; whilst she who, when inclined to
be ravished, hath retreated untouched, however she may affect to
smile, is in reality out of Humour.
Ravishing is indeed out of Fashion in this Age; and therefore I am at
a Loss for modern Examples; but antient Story abounds with them.
Miss[50] _Phoebe_ and her Sister were both ravished, and both were
well pleased with the Men who ravished them.
Though the Story of _Deidamia_ was formerly in all the _Trojan_
News-Papers, yet my Reader may be pleased to see it better told.
_Venus_ had now kept her Word to _Paris_, and given him the Beauty she
had promised, not as a Bribe, but as a Gratification for his having
made an Award in her Favour, in the famous Cause between _Juno_ and
others against _Venus_, in _Trover_ for a Golden Apple; which was
referred to him at the Assizes at _Ida_.
_Paris_, every one knows, no sooner had received Mrs. _Helen_, than he
immediately carried her off to his Father's Court.
Upon this the _Grecians_ entered into an Association; and several
Noblemen raised Regiments at their own Expence, out of their Regard to
the Public: For Cuckoldom was a public Cause, no one knowing whose
Turn it would be next.
Lieutenant-General _Achilles_, who was to command a large Body of
Grenadiers, which the _Greeks_ call _Myrmidons_, did not behave
handsomely on that Occasion, though he got off afterwards at a
Court-Martial by pleading, that his Mother (who had a great deal in
her own Power) had insisted on his acting the Part he did; for, I am
ashamed to say, he dressed himself in Women's Clothes, and hid himself
at the House of one _Lycomedes_, a Man of good Fortune in those parts.
_Fie upon it, General, I am ashamed to see you sit quilting among the
Girls; a Sword becomes your Hands much better than a Needle._
_What can you mean by that Work-Basket in a Hand by which Count
_Hector_ is to fall? Do you carry that Basket with you to put his Head
in?_
_For Shame then, cast away your Huswife, and all those effeminate
Trinkets from a Fist able to wield _Harry_ the Fifth's Sword._
It happened, that at the same Time when the General, at the House of
'Squire _Lycomedes_, performed this Feat, Miss _Deidamia_, one of the
Maids of Honour, was visiting at the same Place. This young Lady soon
discovered that the General was a Man; for indeed he got her
Maidenhead.
He ravished her, that is the Truth on't; that a Gentleman ought to
believe, in Favour of the Lady: But he may believe the Lady was
willing enough to be ravished at the same Time.
When the General threw away his Needle, and grasped the Armour, (you
must remember the Story, for it was in the _Trojan Alamain_) the young
Lady began to change her Note, and to hope he would not forsake her
so.
_Ah! little _Mia_! is this the Violence you complained of? Is this the
Ravisher you are afraid of? Why with that gentle Voice do you solicite
the Author of your Dishonour to stay with you?_
To come at once to the Moral of my Story; as they are ashamed to make
the first Advances, so they are ready to suffer whatever a pushing Man
can do unto them.
As for those pretty Master-Misses, the _Adonis's_ of the Age, who
confide in their own Charms, and desire to be courted by the Girls;
believe me, they will stay long enough before they are asked the
Question.
If you are a Man, make the first Overtures: Remember, it is the Man's
Part to address the Fair; and it will be her's to be tenderly won.
Be bold then, and put the Question; she desires no more than to have
the Question put; and sure you will not deny your own Wishes that
Favour.
_Jupiter_ himself went a courting to the Heroines of old: For I never
heard of any Girl who courted him.
But if you find Madam gives herself any immoderate Airs at your
Proposal, it will then be good to recede a little from your
Undertaking, and to affect to sheer off: For many of them, according
to the Poet,
_Pursue what flies, and fly what doth pursue._
A short Absence will soon cure her Disdain.
It may be proper likewise to conceal your intentions a little at
first, and make your first Advance under the Pretence of _Platonic_
Friendship.
I have known many a Prude taken under these false Colours; and the
_Platonic_ Friend hath soon become a happy Lover.
And now as to your Complexion; for believe me, this is a Matter of
some Consequence: Though I would not have you effeminate, yet I would
have you delicate.
A fair Complexion in a Tar is scandalous, and looks more like a
Borough Captain or one of those fresh-water Sailors, who have so much
dishonoured our Navy. The Skin of a Seaman ought to be rough, and well
battered with Winds and Waves.
Such likewise ought to be the Face of a Fox-hunter, who ought not to
fear Rain or Easterly Winds: And the fame becomes the Soldier.
But let the Soldier of _Venus_ look fair and delicate; nay, if your
Complexion inclines to Paleness, so much the better; for this will be
imputed by every young Girl to Love.
Young _Orion_[51] with a pale Countenance wandered through the Groves,
being sick with the Love of Lyrice: And the same Effect had the Love
of _Nais_ upon the Countenance of _Daphnis_[52]; two Lovers very
famous in Antiquity.
Leanness is another Token of a Lover; to obtain which, you need not
take Physick; sitting up all Night; and writing Love-Letters, will
bring this about.
Be sure to look as miserable as possible; so that every one who sees
you, may cry, _There goes a Lover_.
And here shall I lament the Wickedness of Mankind, or only simply
observe it to you? But in Reality all Friendship and Integrity are
nothing more than Names.
Alas! It is dangerous to be too prodigal in the Praises of your
Mistress, even to your Friend; for if he believes you, he becomes your
Rival.
It is true there are some old Stories of faithful Friends: _Patroclus_
never made a Cuckold of _Achilles_; and _Phaedra's_ Chastity was never
attempted by _Pirithous_.
_Pylades_ loved _Hermions_, who was his Friend's Wife; but it was with
the pure Love of a Brother: And the same Fidelity did _Castor_
preserve towards his Twin-Brother _Pollux_.
But if you expect to find such Instances in these degenerate Days, you
may as well have Faith enough to expect a Pine-Apple from a Pear-Tree,
or to hope to fill your Bottle with _Burgundy_ from the River.
I am afraid we are grown so bad, that Iniquity itself gives a Relish
to our Pleasures; and every Man is not only addicted to his Pleasures,
but those are the sweeter, when season'd with another's Pain.
It is in short a terrible Case, that a Lover ought to fear his Friend
more than his Enemy. Beware of the former, and you are safe.
Beware of your Cousin, and your Brother, and your dear and intimate
Companions. These are the Sort of Gentry, from whom you are to
apprehend most Danger.
Here I intended to have finished; but one Rule more suggests itself.
You are to note then, that there is a great Variety in the Tempers of
Women; for a thousand different Women are to be wooed a thousand
different Ways.
Mr. _Miller_ will tell you, that the same kind of Soil is not proper
for all Fruits. One produces good Carrots, another Potatoes, and a
third Turneps. Now there is as great a Variety of Disposition in the
human Mind, as there are Forms in the World: For which Reason a
Politician is capable of accommodating himself to innumerable Kinds of
Tempers: Not _Proteus_ could indeed diversify himself more Ways than
he can.
Nay you may learn this Lesson from every Fisherman; for some Fish are
to be taken with one Bait, and some with another; others will scarce
bite at any, but are however to be drawn out of the Water by a Net.
One good Caution under this Head, is to consider the Age of your
Mistress: Old Birds are not taken with Chaff; and an old Hare will be
sure to double.
Again, consider Circumstances. Do not frighten an ignorant Woman with
Learning, nor a poor Country Girl with your fine Cloathes; for by
these Means you will create in them too great an Awe of you. Many a
Girl hath run away frighted from the Embraces of the Master, and
afterwards fallen into the Clutches of his Footman.
And here we will now cast our Anchor, having finished the first Part
of our intended Voyage.
_FINIS_
FOOTNOTES
[Footnote 1: Here _Ovid_ uses the Examples of _Automedon_, who was the
Coachman of _Achilles_; and of _Tiphys_, who was Pilot or Steersman to
the _Argonauts_.]
[Footnote 2: This is a literal Translation; by which it appears this
barbarous Custom of whipping Boys on the Hands, till they look as if
they had the Itch, was used by the _Roman_ Schoolmasters as well as by
ours.]
[Footnote 3: The Original introduces _Achilles_, who was the pupil of
_Chiron_.]
[Footnote 4: In the Original,--_held forth at his Master's Commands
those Hands to be whipt, which_ Hector _was hereafter to feel_. The
Indelicacy of which Image we have avoided applying to our _British_
Hero.]
[Footnote 5: _Both born of a Goddess._]
[Footnote 6: This is transferred, we hope not improperly from _Roman_
to _British_ Superstition. The _Latin_ alludes to Augury, and very
justly ridicules the Folly of Divination by the Flight of Birds.]
[Footnote 7: _Nor were_ Clio _or her Sisters seen by me, while I
tended a Flock in the Valleys of Ascra._ This _Ascra_ was a Valley
near the _Helicon_, which was the Residence of the Parents of
_Hesiod_. Now _Hesiod_ was fabled, whilst he was keeping his Father's
Sheep, to have been led by the Muse to the Fountain _Hippocrene_; and
being, I suppose, well ducked in that Water, commenced Poet.]
[Footnote 8: This whole Passage is a manifest Burlesque on the
Invocations with which the Ancients began their Poems. Not very
different is that Sneer at the Beginning of the _Metamorphosis_,
---- _Dii, caeptis_, (NAM VOS MUTASTIS ET ILLAS)
_Adspirate_ ----
But the strongest Piece of Burlesque of this kind is the Invocation to
_Venus_ at the Beginning of _Lucretius_: For what can be more so than
a solemn Application to a Deity for her Assistance in a Work, the
professed Intention of which is to expose the Belief of any Deity at
all; and more particularly of any Concern which such superior Beings
might be supposed to take in the Affairs of Men. For my own part, I
must confess, I cannot perceive _that graceful Air of Enthusiasm_
which a noble Author observes in the Invocation of the Antients; many
of them indeed seem to have been too apparently in jest, to endeavour
to impose on their Readers, and in reality to apply to the Muses with
less Devotion than our modern Poets, many of whom perhaps believe as
much in those Deities as in any other.]
[Footnote 9: _Ovid_ would here insinuate, that the Courtezans only
were the Subjects of the ensuing Poem; and in his _Tristibus_ he cites
these Lines, and pleads them in his Defence: But he is not over-honest
in his Profession; for in many Parts it appears, that his Instructions
are calculated for much more than _concessa furtia_.]
[Footnote 10: _Andromeda_ was the Daughter of _Cepheus_ King of
_Aethiopia_ and of _Cassiope_. Her Mother having offended the
_Nereids_, by contending with them for Superiority in Beauty,
_Neptune_, at their Petition, sent a Sea-Monster, which greatly
annoyed the _Aethiopians_. Upon this they consulted the Oracle of
_Jupiter Ammon_, who ordered them to expose one of the Progeny of
_Cepheus_ and _Cassiope_ to be devoured by the Monster. _Andromeda_
was accordingly ty'd to a Rock, where she was espied by _Perseus_, who
killed the Monster, and rescued the Lady; for which he received her at
the Hands of her Parents as his Reward. The Story is told in the 4th
Book of the _Metamorphosis_.]
[Footnote 11: _Bunches of Grapes in _Methymna__; a City of _Lesbia_,
the Wine of which Country was famous among the Ancients.]
[Footnote 12: _Ears of Corn in _Gargara__; which was in _Mysia_, a
Province of the _Hellespont_.]
[Footnote 13: The Original is, _And the Mother of _AEneas_ resides in
the City of her Son._ _AEneas_, from whom the Romans derived their
Original, was the Son of _Venus_ by _Anchises_.]
[Footnote 14: The Original, rendered as literally as possible, is as
follows: _Walk at your ease under the _Pompeian_ Shade, when the Sun
enters the _Herculean_ Lion; or where the Mother hath added her
Benefactions to those of her Son; a work rich in foreign Marble: Nor
avoid that Portico adorned with ancient Pictures, which is called
_Livia_, from the Name of its Founder: nor that adorned by the Statues
of the _Belides_, who attempted the Lives of their unfortunate
Cousins; and where you see the cruel Father standing with his drawn
Sword: Nor pass by the Temple of _Venus_ and her lamented_ Adonis;
_nor omit the Seventh-Day Festivals of the _Jews_; nor the _Egyptian_
Temples of the _Linnen-clad_ Heifer: She makes many Women to be that
which she herself was to _Jupiter_._