I cultivate an Acquaintance with two Noblemen—am introduced to earl
Strutwell—his kind Promise and Invitation—the Behaviour of his Porter
and Lacquey—he receives me with an Appearance of uncommon
Affection—undertakes to speak in my Behalf to the Minister—informs me
of his Success, and wishes me Joy—introduces a Conversation about
Petronius Arbiter—falls in Love with my Watch, which I press upon him—I
make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord Straddle—impart my good
Fortune to Strap and Banter, who disabuses me, to my utter
Mortification
Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my
talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts
towards some employment under the government. With the view of
procuring which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle and
Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court. I found these
young noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire; I accompanied
them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with them at taverns,
where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.
I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations
of friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some sinecure,
and to solicit their influence in my behalf. Swillpot, squeezing my
hand, said, I might depend upon his service by G—. The other swore that
no man would be more proud than he to run my errands. Encouraged by
these declarations, I ventured to express an inclination to be
introduced to their fathers, who were able to do my business at once.
Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoken to his father these three
years; and Straddle assured me, his father, having lately disobliged
the minister by subscribing his name to a protest in the house of
peers, was thereby rendered incapable of serving his friends at
present; but he undertook to make me acquainted with Earl Strutwell,
who was hand and glove with a certain person who ruled the roast. This
offer I embraced with many acknowledgments, and plied him so closely,
in spite of a thousand evasions, that he found himself under a
necessity of keeping his word, and actually carried me to the levee of
this great man, where he left me in a crowd of fellow-dependents, and
was ushered to a particular closet audience; from whence, in a few
minutes, he returned with his lordship, who took me by the hand,
assured me he would do me all the service he could, and desired to see
me often. I was charmed with my reception, and, although I had heard
that a courtier’s promise is not to be depended upon, I thought I
discovered so much sweetness of temper and candour in this earl’s
countenance, that I did not doubt of finding my account in his
protection. I resolved therefore to profit by this permission, and
waited on him next audience day, when I was favoured with a particular
smile, squeeze of the hand, and a whisper, signifying that he wanted
half-an-hour’s conversation with me in private, when he should be
disengaged, and for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of
chocolate with him to-morrow morning.
This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and
expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his lordship’s house
at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter unbolted
and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like soldiers in the
broach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord was stirring? He
answered with a surly aspect, “No.” “At what hour does he commonly
rise?” said I. “Sometimes sooner, sometimes later,” said he, closing
the door upon me by degrees. I then told him I was come by his
lordship’s own appointment, to which intimation this Cerberus replied,
“I have received no orders about the matter,” and was upon the point of
shutting me out, when I recollected myself all of a sudden, and
slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a favour that he would
inquire, and let me know whether or not the earl was up. The grim
janitor relented at the touch of my money, which he took with all the
indifference of a taxgatherer, and showed me into a parlour, where, he
said, I might amuse myself till such time as his lord should be awake.
I had not sat ten minutes in this place, when a footman entered, and,
without speaking, started at me; I interpreted this piece of his
behaviour into, “Pray, sir, what is your business?” and asked the same
question I had put to the porter, when I accosted him first. The
lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared before I could get any
further intelligence. In a little time he returned, on pretence of
poking the fire, and looked at me again with great earnestness; upon
which I began to perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with
half-a-crown, desired he would be so good as to fall upon some method
of letting the earl know that I was in the house. He made a low bow,
said, “Yes, sir,” and vanished. This bounty was not thrown away, for in
an instant he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, where I was
received with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I
found just risen, in his morning-gown, and slippers. After breakfast,
he entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels, the
remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my
understanding. My answers seemed to please him very much, he frequently
squeezed my hand, and, looking at me with a singular complacency in his
countenance, bade me depend upon his good offices with the ministry in
my behalf. “Young men of your qualifications,” said he, “ought to be
cherished by every administration. For my own part, I see so little
merit in the world, that I have laid it down as a maxim, to encourage
the least appearance of genius and virtue to the utmost of my power:
you have a great deal of both; and will not fail of making a figure one
day, if I am not mistaken; but you must lay your account with mounting
by gradual steps to the summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a
day. As you understand the languages perfectly well, how would you like
to cross the sea as secretary to an embassy?” I assured his lordship,
with great eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my
inclination: upon which he bade me make myself easy, my business was
done, for he had a place of that kind in his view. This piece of
generosity affected me so much, that I was unable for some time to
express my gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledgments of
my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. I could not even
help shedding tears at the goodness of this noble lord, who no sooner
perceived them than he caught me in his arms, and hugged and kissed me
with a seemingly paternal affection. Confounded at this uncommon
instance of fondness for a stranger, I remained a few moments silent
and ashamed; then rose and took my leave, after he had assured me that
he would speak to the minister in my favour that very day; and desired
that I would not for the future give myself the trouble of attending at
his levee, but come at the same hour every day, when he should be at
leisure, that is, three times a week.
Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my
prospect from everybody, even from Strap, until I should be more
certain of success: and in the meantime give my patron no respite from
my solicitations. When I renewed my visit, I found the street-door
opened to me as if by enchantment; but in my passage towards the
presence-room, I was met by the valet-de-chambre, who cast some furious
looks at me the meaning of which I could not comprehend. The earl
saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace, and wished me joy of his
success with the Premier, who, he said, had preferred his
recommendation to that of two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of
their respective friends, and absolutely promised that I should go to a
certain foreign court in quality of secretary to an ambassador and
plenipotentiary who was to set out in a few weeks an affair of vast
importance to the nation. I was thunderstruck with my good fortune, and
could make no other reply than kneel and attempt to kiss my
benefactor’s hand, which submission he would not permit; but, raising
me up, pressed me to his breast with surprising emotion, and told me he
had now taken upon himself the care of making my fortune. What enhanced
the value of the benefit still the more, was his making light of the
favour, and shifting the conversation to another subject.
Among other topics of discourse, that of the Belles Lettres was
introduced, upon which his lordship held forth with great taste and
erudition and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors of
antiquity, “Here’s a book,” said he, taking one from his bosom,
“written with great elegance and spirit; and, though the subject may
give offence to some narrow-minded people, the author will always be
held in esteem by every person of wit and learning.” So saying, he put
into my hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his wit and
manner. I told him, that, in my opinion, he wrote with great ease and
vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent that he ought to find no
quarter or protection among people of morals and taste. “I own,”
replied the earl, “that his taste in love is generally decried, and
indeed condemned by our laws; but perhaps that may be more owing to
prejudice and misapprehension than to true reason and deliberation. The
best man among the ancients is said to have entertained that passion;
one of the wisest of their legislators has permitted the indulgence of
it in his commonwealth; the most celebrated poets have not scrupled to
avow it. At this day it prevails not only over all the East, but in
most parts of Europe; in our own country, it gains ground apace, and in
all probability will become in a short time a more, fashionable vice
than simple fornication. Indeed there is something to be said in
vindication of it; for, notwithstanding the severity of the law against
offenders in this way, it must be confessed that the practice of this
passion is unattended with that curse and burthen upon society which
proceeds from a race of miserable and deserted bastards, who are either
murdered by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and
wretchedness, or bred up to prey upon the commonwealth: and it likewise
prevents the debauchery of many a young maiden, and the prostitution of
honest men’s wives; not to mention the consideration of health, which
is much less liable to be impaired in the gratification of this
appetite, than in the exercise of common venery, which, by ruining the
constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny progeny that
degenerates from generation to generation. Nay, I have been told, that
there is another motive perhaps more powerful than all these, that
induces people to cultivate this inclination; namely, the exquisite
pleasure attending its success.”
From this discourse I began to be apprehensive that his lordship,
finding I had travelled, was afraid I might have been infected with
this spurious and sordid desire abroad, and took this method of
sounding my sentiments on the subject. Fired at this supposed
suspicion, I argued against it with great warmth, as an appetite
unnatural, absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and declared my utter
detestation and abhorrence of it in these lines of the satirist:—
Eternal infamy the wretch confound
Who planted first that vice on British ground!
A vice! That spite of nature and sense reigns,
And poisons genial love, and manhood stains.
The earl smiled at my indignation, and told me he was glad to find my
opinion of the matter so conformable to his own, and that what he had
advanced was only to provoke me to an answer, with which he professed
himself perfectly well pleased. After I had enjoyed a long audience, I
happened to look at my watch, in order to regulate my motions by it;
and his lordship, observing the chased case, desired to see the device,
and examine the exception, which he approved with some expressions of
admiration. Considering the obligations I lay under to his lordship, I
thought there could not be a fitter opportunity than the present to
manifest, in some shape, my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do
me the honour to accept of the watch as a small testimony of the sense
I had of his lordship’s generosity; but, he refused it in a peremptory
manner, and said he was sorry I should entertain such a mercenary
opinion of him; observing at the same time, that it was the most
beautiful piece of workmanship he had ever seen, and desiring to know
where he could have such another. I begged a thousand pardons for the
freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute to nothing else than
the highest veneration for his person—told him, that, as it came to my
hand by accident in France, I could give him no information about the
maker, for there was no name on the inside; and once more humbly
entreated that he would indulge me so far as to use it for my sake. He
was still positive in refusing it; but was pleased to thank me for my
generous offer, saying, it was a present that no nobleman need be
ashamed of receiving: though he was resolved to show his
disinterestedness with regard to me, for whom he had conceived a
particular friendship; and insisted (if I were willing to part with the
watch) upon knowing what it had cost, that he might at least indemnify
me, by refunding the money. On the other hand, I assured his lordship
that I should look upon it as an uncommon mark of distinction, if he
would take it without further question; and, rather than disoblige me,
he was at last persuaded to put it in his pocket, to my no small
satisfaction, who took my leave immediately, after having received a
kind squeeze, and an injunction to depend upon his promise.
Buoyed up with this reception, my heart opened; I gave away a guinea,
among the lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew to the lodgings
of Lord Straddle, upon whom I forced my diamond ring as an
acknowledgment for the great service he had done me, and from thence
hied me home, with an intent of sharing my happiness with honest Strap.
I determined, however, to heighten his pleasure, by depressing his
spirits at first, and then bringing in good news with double relish.
For this purpose, I affected the appearance of disappointment and
chagrin, and told him in an abrupt manner that I had lost the watch and
diamond. Poor Hugh, who had been already harassed into a consumption by
intelligence of this sort, no sooner heard these words, than, unable to
contain himself, he cried, with distraction in his looks, “God in
heaven forbid!” I could carry on the farce no longer; but, laughing in
his face, told him everything that had passed, as above recited. His
features were immediately unbended, and the transition was so
affecting, that he wept with joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the
appellations of Jewel, Phoenix, Rara avis; and praising God, that there
was still some virtue left among our nobility. Our mutual
congratulations being over, we gave way to our imagination, and
anticipated our happiness by prosecuting our success through the
different steps of promotion, till I arrived at the rank of a prime
minister, and he to that of my first secretary.
Intoxicated with these ideas, I went to the ordinary, where, meeting
with Banter, I communicated the whole affair in confidence to him,
concluding with an assurance that I would do him all the service in my
power. He heard me to an end with great patience, then regarding me a
good while with a look of disdain, pronounced, “So your business is
done, you think?” “As good as done. I believe,” said I. “I’ll tell
you,” replied he, “what will do it still more effectually—a halter!
’Sdeath! if I had been such a gull to two such scoundrels as Strutwell
and Straddle, I would, without any more ado, tuck myself up.” Shocked
at this exclamation, I desired him with some confusion to explain
himself; upon which he gave me to understand that Straddle was a poor
contemptible wretch, who lived by borrowing and pimping for his
fellow-peers; that in consequence of this last capacity, he had
doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who was so notorious for a
passion for his own sex that he was amazed his character had never
reached my ears; and that, far from being able to obtain for me the
post he had promised, his interest at court was so low, that he could
scarce provide for a superannuated footman once a year in the customs
or excise; that it was a common thing for him to amuse strangers, whom
his jackals ran down, with such assurances and caresses as he had
bestowed on me, until he had stripped them of their cash, and
everything valuable about them, very often of their chastity, and then
leave them a prey to want and infamy: that he allowed his servants no
other wages than that part of the spoil which they could glean by their
industry; and the whole of his conduct towards me was so glaring, that
nobody who knew anything of mankind could have been imposed upon by his
insinuations.
I leave the reader to judge how I relished this piece of information,
which precipitated me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to the
lowest abyss of despondence, and well nigh determined me to take
Banter’s advice and finish my chagrin with a halter. I had no room to
suspect the veracity of my friend, because, upon recollection, I found
every circumstance of Strutwell’s behaviour exactly tallying with the
character he had described; his hugs, embraces, squeezes, and eager
looks, were now no longer a mystery; no more than his defence of
Petronius, and the jealous frown of his valet-de-chambre, who, it
seems, had been the favourite pathic of his lord.