Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat—an Affair
between the Captain and me—the Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny five
Guineas for a Release—we are in Danger of losing a Meal—the Behaviour
of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion—an Account of Captain
Weazel and his Lady—the Captain’s Courage tried—Isaac’s mirth at the
Captain’s Expense
Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings
for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my
place when I should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desired him
to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a
drawn sword in his hand, and threatened with many oaths to sacrifice
the villain who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose
for the master to explain the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad’s
innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the while: the more
submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed the
resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him or he would
instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence,
and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would
engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he
would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave
assent, by saying, “he would box with him for a guinea.” Weazel replied
with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his
character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing,
in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. “Odds bodikins!” cries
Joey, “sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here’s a poor lad
that is willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that woan’t
satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan’t box, I dare
say, he will coodgel with yaw. Woan’t yaw, my lad?” Strap, after some
hesitation, answered, “Yes, yes, I’ll cudgel with him.” But this
expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his
character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told the captain that I had
always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge should have
the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of
honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my companion, that he
would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be with such
sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my
mentioning razors: I could perceive the captain’s colour change while
Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness: “No,
no, no; for the love of God, don’t make any such bargain.” At length,
Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious
countenance asked, “Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?” With
these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at
seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and,
springing to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the
chimney-corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who
made a great many half-longes, skipping backward at every push, till at
last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the
company. While he was in this situation his wife entered, and, seeing
her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful
scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was
immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of
Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of
his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This
affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed
two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the
first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all night
with her groans; and that when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was
so much indisposed that she could not proceed on her journey. At that
instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon, who
immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in
a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the
fright she received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the
event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for
the consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the
waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night’s
disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared
than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she
died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor
Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would
deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; and assured us, with
tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her was the result
of her own invitation. The waggoner, understanding the case, advised
Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money: to which advice he
replied with great vehemence, “A sum of money!—a halter for the
cockatrice!” “Oh! ’tis very well,” said Miss Jenny; “I see it is in
vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so
good as to go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here,
who wants to see him on an affair of consequence.” At the name of
justice Isaac trembled, and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering
voice, “What she would have? She told him that, as he had not
perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied with a small
matter. And though the damage she might sustain in her health might be
irreparable, she would give him a release for a hundred guineas.” “A
hundred guineas!” cried he in an ecstacy, “a hundred furies! Where
should a poor old wretch like me have a hundred guineas? If I had so
much money, d’ya think I should be found travelling in a waggon, at
this season of the year?” “Come, come,” replied Jenny, “none of your
miserly artifice here. You think I don’t know Isaac Rapine, the
money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you
had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed.” Isaac,
finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings
for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds: at
last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid with great
reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which
accommodation, the sick person made a shift to get into the waggon, and
we set forward in great tranquillity; Strap being accommodated with
Joey’s horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. The morning and
forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour of Captain
Weazel, who told us he had once knocked down a soldier that made game
of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who found fault with his picking
his teeth with a fork, at another time; and that he had moreover
challenged a cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his rival: for
the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed
whatever he said, and observed, “The last affair happened that very day
on which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don’t you
remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating
ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion’s being
altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?”
“Yes, my dear,” replied the captain, “you know my lord said to me, with
a sneer, ‘Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.’ And I answered
cavalierly, ‘My lord, I wish I could return the compliment.’ Upon which
the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my
lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.” We
travelled in this manner five days, without interruption or meeting
anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits,
entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing
a great number; and rallying her own gallant, who, notwithstanding,
would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about
to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that three
gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to
their apartment, although he had informed them that they were bespoke
by the passengers in the waggon. To which information they had replied,
“the passengers in the waggon might be d—d, their betters must be
served before them; they supposed it would be no hardship on such
travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.” This was a
terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how
to remedy it; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by
profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from
being insulted. But the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not
for all the world be known to have travelled in a waggon! swearing at
the same time, that could he appear with honour, they should eat his
sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declaration, Miss Jenny,
snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into the kitchen,
where she threatened to put the cook to death if he did not send the
victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the
three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her than he
cried, “Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?” “My dear
Jack Rattle!” replied she, running into his arms, “is it you? Then
Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.”
They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were
on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey,
understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in
his hand, and swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend
to seize the victuals prepared for the waggon. The menace had like to
have produced fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their
swords, and being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on
the side of Joey; when the landlord, interposing, offered to part with
his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers;
and we sat down at table without any further molestation. In the
afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place.
Having entered into a conversation with this driver, I soon found him
to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch; he
informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who,
falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in
the stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested
for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to
her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that
one of the gentleman’s servants, who were left at the inn, having
accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey
with some particulars of his character. That he had served my Lord
Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years, while he lived
separate from his lady; but, upon their reconciliation, she expressly
insisted upon Weazel’s being turned off, as well as the woman he kept:
when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed
that he should marry his Mistress, and he would procure a commission
for him in the army: this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now,
by his lordship’s interest, ensigned in —’s regiment. I found he and I
had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel’s courage, which he
resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry
of a ‘highwayman!’ as soon as a horseman should appear.
This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried a
man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the
people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed than a
general consternation arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid
himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a
rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something
under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands uttered lamentable cries: and
the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but this artifice
did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled
out, “Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be
robbed? Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of honour!”
Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and
swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England
surrounded him. “D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?” continued he;
at the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole carriage
shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much
that she cried, “D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon,
as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop the waggon, Joey—let me
out, and by G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only
take your purse, but your skin also.” So saying she leaped out with
great agility. By this time the horseman came up and happened to be a
gentleman’s servant well known to Joey, who communicated the scheme,
and desired him to carry it on a little further, by going into the
waggon, and questioning those within. The stranger, consenting for the
sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone demanded, “Who
have we got here?” Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, “Here’s a
poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to maintain, and
nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings which if
you rob me of we must all starve together.” “Who’s that sobbing in the
other corner?” said the supposed highwayman. “A poor unfortunate
woman,” answered Mrs. Weazle, “upon whom I beg you, for Christ’s sake,
to have compassion.” “Are you maid or wife,” said he. “Wife, to my
sorrow,” said she. “Who, or where is your husband?” continued he. “My
husband,” replied Mrs. Weazel, “is an officer in the army and was left
sick at the last inn where we dined.” “You must be mistaken, madam,”
said he, “for I myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon. But
pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled himself; let me
catch hold of the nasty cur, I’ll teach him better manners.” Here he
laid hold of one of Weazel’s legs, and pulled him out from under his
wife’s petticoat, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling
captain, being detected in his inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes,
and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, “What’s the matter? What’s
the matter?” “The matter is not much,” answered the horseman; “I only
called in to inquire after your health, and so adieu, most noble
captain.” He clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a
moment.
It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length
reassuming the big look, he said, “D—n the fellow! why did he ride away
before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do? Don’t you
remember Tom, my dear?” addressing himself to his wife. “Yes,” replied
she, “I think I do remember something of the fellow, but you know I
seldom converse with people of his station.” “Hey-day!” cried Joey, “do
yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?” “Know him,” said Weazel, “many a time
has he filled a glass of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett’s table.”
“And what may his name be, coptain?” said Joey. “His name!—his name,”
replied Weazel, “is Tom Rinser.” “Waunds,” cried Joey, “a has changed
his own neame then! for I’se lay a wager he was christened John
Trotter.” This observation raised a laugh against the captain, who
seemed very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said, “It
is no matter who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we
suspected, and we ought to bless God for our narrow escape.” “Bless
God,” said Weazel, “bless the devil! for what? Had he been a
highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body, and guts, before he
had robbed me, or any one in this diligence.” “Ha, ha, ha,” cried Miss
Jenny, “I believe you will eat all you kill, indeed, captain.” The
usurer was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he
could not refrain from being severe, and took notice that Captain
Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with
patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his
salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a
great deal of mirth at Weazel’s expense, who muttered a great many
oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac’s throat. The usurer, taking hold of
this menace, said, “Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness,
that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer; I’ll have
him bound over to the peace.” This second sneer produced another laugh
against him, and he remained crestfallen during the remaining part of
our journey.