I grow up—am hated by my Relations—sent to School—neglected by my
Grandfather—maltreated by my Master—seasoned to Adversity—I form Cabals
against the Pedant—am debarred Access to my Grandfather—hunted by his
Heir—I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor
There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being concerned
in my father’s fate, on the supposition that they would all share in
the patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture was strengthened by
reflecting that in all his calamities they never discovered the least
inclination to serve him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in
their power, fed his resentment and supported his resolution of leaving
him to misery and want. But people of judgment treated this insinuation
as an idle chimera; because, had my relations been so wicked as to
consult their interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate
of my father would have extended to me too whose life was another
obstacle to their expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I
strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I
wanted nothing which their indigent circumstances could afford: but
their favour was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my
cousins; who the more my infancy promised, conceived the more
implacable hatred against me: and before I was six years of age, had so
effectually blockaded my grandfather that I never saw him but by
stealth, when I sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his
labourers in the field: on which occasion he would stroke my head, bid
me be a good boy, and promise to take care of me.
I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had
been dictator time out of mind; but as he never paid for my board, nor
supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my
condition was very ragged and contemptible, and the schoolmaster, who,
through fear of my grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no
concern about the progress I made under his instruction. In spite of
all these difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in the
Latin tongue; and, as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my
grandfather with letters to such a degree that he sent for my master,
and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my education, telling
him that, if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which
he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his head.
The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his
patron, assured his honour that the boy’s ability was more owing to his
own genius and application than to any instruction or encouragement he
received; that, although he could not divest him of the knowledge he
had already imbibed, unless he would empower him to disable his
fingers, he should endeavour, with God’s help, to prevent his future
improvement. And, indeed, he punctually performed what he had
undertaken; for, on pretence that I had written impertinent letters to
my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it,
through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and
fastened it by whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually
debarred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a
few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and
another boy; who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so
incensed at his ungenerous reproach that with one stroke with my
machine I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and
schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform
the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this
trespass that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression
it made on me would not be effaced; the more than the antipathy and
horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The
contempt which my appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the
continual wants to which I was exposed, and my own haughty disposition,
impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome
adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and
emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly
scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of
a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay
unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing
orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hunted, of stealing
gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay,
a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to persuade my master that
I fired a pistol loaded with small shot into his window; though my
landlady and the whole family bore witness that I was abed fast asleep
at the time when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged for
having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry boat in
which I was passenger. Another time, for having recovered of a bruise
occasioned by a horse and cart running over me. A third time, for being
bitten by a baker’s dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate,
the correction and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.
Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation triumphed
over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the
more my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the
injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon
genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served my
father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics,
writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I was twelve years old, I was
allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in the school. This
qualification, together with the boldness of temper and strength of
make which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such
influence over them that I began to form cabals against my persecutor;
and was in hope of being able to bid him defiance in a very short
time. Being at the head of a faction, consisting of thirty boys, most
of them of my own age, I was determined to put their mettle to trial,
that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put
my grand scheme in execution: with this view, we attacked a body of
stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the ground
allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, and who were then
playing at ninepins on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my
adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his
flight by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in
pursuit of us. This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them
afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing
stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of
which still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by
these alarms that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to
the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.
It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the
course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole
village; insomuch that, when different interests divided it, one of the
parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which
name I was known) to cast the balance, and keep the opposite faction in
awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day to present
myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom found access, by reason
of his being closely besieged by a numerous family of his female
grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among
themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of
all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but
fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding
his grandfather’s indulgence in entertaining a tutor for him at home;
who at the same time performed the office of parish clerk. This young
Actaeon, who inherited his grandfather’s antipathy to everything in
distress, never sat eyes on me without uncoupling his beagles, and
hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I generally fled for
shelter. In this Christian amusement he was encouraged by his
preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself
with the rising sun, observing, that the old gentleman, according to
the course of nature, had not long to live, for he was already on the
verge of fourscore.
The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one
day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer’s house,
where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent
marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth,
and effectually incapacitated him from doing the office of a clerk.