_House of Commons, Monday, June 30_.--Wanting to know about Heligoland
in the Lords. ROSEBERY inquires especially how population like the
change?
"Oh, that's all right," said the MARKISS; "if there's one thing
the Heligolanders have been pining for since date of their birth,
it is for union with Germany. If we'd only been generous, we ought
to have gratified their desire long ago. I don't wish to touch on
controversial matters, but I must say if the Government, of which
my noble friend was an ornament, had, when in office, only ceded
Heligoland to Germany, they would have deserved well of their country,
and might have been assured of the enthusiastic support of noble Lords
on this side of the House, and of the Party of which my nephew is
a Leader in another place. It is impossible for me, without making
your Lordships late for dinner, a crime from which I trust to hold
my conscience free, fully to set forth the universal advantage that
arises from this stroke of policy. It pleases everybody, especially
the Heligolanders."
ROSEBERY persistent; wants to know what means were taken to obtain
the opinion of the population, and elicit this paean of joy?
"Oh!" said the MARKISS, "obviously, they are documents of a
confidential nature."
[Illustration: The Exile from Erin. (Just arrived in Holyhead.)]
"Confidential with the population?" asks GRANVILLE, in softest tones,
with bewitching smile, and most deferential manner. For once the
MARKISS has no retort ready. Lords sit silent for moment, awaiting
answer; none forthcoming; LORD CHANCELLOR, with great presence of
mind, proposes "that this House do now adjourn." Agreed to, and Lords
go forth, each seeing in his mind's eye the MARKISS in confidential
communication with the population of Heligoland, laboriously and
conscientiously ascertaining their views, individual and aggregate,
on question of transfer.
"The MARKISS is quite right," said ASHBOURNE, looking in from his
honourable exile in Dublin; "you can't, I know, frame an indictment
against a nation. But you can certainly enter into confidential
communication with a population. Capital copyhead it would make
for OLD MORALITY: _Confidential Communications Corrupt Good
Heligolanders_."
_Business done_.--In the Commons, spurt to start with; four Bills
advanced a stage; then House floundered in Western Australia.
_Tuesday_.--"Wish you'd get yourself made a Peer, TOBY," said DENMAN,
gloomily. "Not difficult, I understand; BRABOURNE will tell you how
it's done; unlike the Poet, a Peer is either born or made; AYLESBURY,
for example, was born; BRABOURNE was made. As you weren't born,
you must be made. Baron BOUVERIE-STREET would look very well in the
Peerage. You've only to ask (BRABOURNE knows); keep on asking, and in
meantime make yourself disagreeable in the Commons, and the thing is
done."
Very much obliged to DENMAN; quite kind of him to take this interest
in me; but why so anxious on the point?
"I'll tell you frankly, TOBY. I want to create a Party here, and
you'd do admirably to begin with. A Statesman, however capable, no
use without a Party. You know that very well in the Commons. Everybody
there has a Party. I am all by myself here, and the MARKISS and the
rest put upon me. Now if I had a Party--"
"HANS BREITMANN had one, you know," I say, liking to humour DENMAN,
who is evidently in low spirits.
[Illustration: A Hot 'Un for the City.]
"Had he? Where did he sit for? Never heard of him; however, as I was
saying, if I had a Party I should make the MARKISS sit up."
In the meantime, I gather they have been making DENMAN sit down.
Debate on about Sheriff's Assizes Expenses Bill. DENMAN had something
useful to say. Approached table; ESHER got up at same moment. Peers
impatiently called for ESHER; DENMAN ignored petty insult; commenced
his speech; sentences drowned in hubbub; ESHER resumed seat; MARKISS
approached table; DENMAN drew himself up to full height, and glared
on MARKISS. Knew of old his jealousy of him; stops at no means of
gratifying it; now moves, "That Lord ESHER be heard." LORD CHANCELLOR,
that minion of the majority, promptly puts question, and declares it
carried. For a moment DENMAN stands irresolutely at table, looking
round. Suppose he were to lightly skip on to table, and, standing
there, defy them all? Suppose he were to lower his head, and run
a-butt at the stomach of the LORD CHANCELLOR? What delight to topple
him over--to see his heels rise in the air, and disappear with rest of
his body at other side of Woolsack! DENMAN laughed to think he should
see such fun. Content for the present with contemplation of it, and
so resumed seat. "But I'll form a Party," said he; "have my own Whips,
and shake this effete Government to its foundation."
_Business done_.--In Commons: a dull night, lighted up by luminous
speech from RATHBONE on Government of Western Australia.
_Wednesday_.--House hard at work all afternoon on Directors' Liability
Bill. WARMINGTON in charge of measure; intends to make it warm for
Guinea-pigs. ROPER LETHBRIDGE, DIXON HARTLAND, JAMES MACLEAN, and
KIMBER, Q.C., protest at length. ROBERT FOWLER, Bart., breaks into
lava flood of burning eloquence. If the Bill is carried, what is to
become of the City?
"You may," he moans, "write on the front of the Bill, '_Delendum est
Londinium_,' um? um?" He, for one, will have no responsibility in the
matter; and so, tucking his hands under his coat-tails, he strides
forth, to vote against Third Reading of Bill. All in vain; Third
Reading carried by 224 votes against 50.
[Illustration: SCENE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, FRIDAY EVENING, JULY 4.
Oh, what a surprise! One lovely Black Rod interrupts the G.O.M.
speaking,--and meets with a warm reception.]
_Monday, July 7_.--Opposition in high feather to-night. DUNCAN fresh
from great triumph at Barrow, come to take his seat. Liberals and
Irish Members crowd round him as he sits below Gallery waiting signal
to advance.
"Then DUNCAN is _not_ in his grave?" said MACBETH--I mean MACLURE.
Evidently not. Here in the flesh and high spirits. Everybody dropping
into poetry all round. WADDY, who was down at Barrow, gives lengthy
account of the contest, "And," he says--
"to conclude,
The victory fell on us."
_Duncan_. "Great happiness!
No more the CAINE of Cawdor shall deceive
Our bosom interest. Go, pronounce his present death."
(Turning to PULESTON, who always comes to shake hands with New Member.)
"Dismayed not this
Your Captains, MACSMITH and BALFOUR?"
PULESTON admitted that they were a little hipped; rather thought "that
most disloyal traitor, the CAINE of Cawdor," having "began the dismal
conflict," would get the worst of it; but didn't expect that Liberal
would be returned. "But it's of no consequence," added Sir TOOTS; "you
must come and dine with me."
[Illustration: The Caine of Cawdor.]
DUNCAN rather broke down as he advanced to table amid thunderous
cheers from Opposition. Privately explained matter to SPEAKER when he
shook hands with him.
_Duncan_. "My plenteous joys.
Wanton in fulness, seek to hide themselves
In drops of sorrow."
"Oh, you must cheer up," said the SPEAKER, who always has a pleasant
word for everybody; "perhaps you won't get in again."
_Business done_.--Irish Constabulary Vote in Committee of Supply;
opening of cheerful week for Prince ARTHUR.
* * * * *
"COMING IN THEIR THOUSANDS."
[Illustration]
The announcement that a Thousand Nurses would be received at
Marlborough House last Saturday, naturally attracted a large number of
the Guards and Household troops, who were off duty, to the vicinity
of St. James's Park and Pall Mall. The excitement among the military
somewhat abated when it was ascertained that the Prince and Princess
were receiving the "first working subscribers" to the National Pension
Fund for Nurses. The Prince made one of his best speeches, and the
Princess smiled her best smiles. The Comptroller of the Weather for
the Royal Household had given special orders for sunshine, or a good
imitation of it from one till three, so umbrellas were not needed;
thus symbolically showing that the day of "Gamps" was over, and
that a new era of superior nursing was now an established fact. If
such a state of affairs had continued as was portrayed in _Martin
Chuzzlewit_, their Royal Highnesses might have been receiving the last
thousand _Sarah Gamps_ and _Betsy Prigs_, and addressing them in a
very different strain.
* * * * *
DRAMATIC NOTES.--ALEXANDER the Grateful, in returning thanks for
the toast of "the Avenue Piece," observed that "he objected to this
phrase, as he did not mean to 'av a new piece for a long time, the
present Bill being good enough." This cast a gloom over the assembly,
which then quietly dispersed.
Mr. IRVING, disguised as _Louis the Eleventh_ (the last of the great
French cricketers), is at the Grand, in celestial Islington, where the
Angel is. These angelic visits are few and far between.
We (who's "we"?) hear a favourable report of _Sowing and Reaping_ at
the Criterion,--a play that might have been only "sow sow," if it had
not been for the reaping good performance of CHARLES the Reaper.
* * * * *
CRY FOR EXTREMELY INTEMPERATE TEMPERANCE PARTY.--"Liberty but no
Licence!"
* * * * *