astonished the peaceful Delaware. But it did one good act. The
explosion blew away a piece of very bad orthography in the cabin
of one of those craft which ply between Philadelphia and Camden.
Perilous voyages do they make, indeed! Nurses with their blooming
charges, and who have never been to sea, embark in them to behold
the wonders of the deep! The disaster I speak of arose from that
which made the angels fall. 'Twas curst ambition. One boat was going
several inches ahead of another, and urged its engine to the rate of
at least fifty miles the hour. Rivalry was awakened; the captain of
the hapless craft yelled to his assistant: 'Josey, we'll have a race
with that t'other imperent boat! _Put that other stick of wood into
the furnace!_ My pride is elewated. Never mind the expense _this_
time!'
The command was given; the boiler collapsed; and ambition was ended!
The orthography blown from the steamer was this:
'No smoking _aloud_ in the cabing!'
This was an injunction obeyed per force, for it could not be
broken.[10] It specified tacit fumigation:
----'Nothing could live
Twixt that and silence;'
and the unnecessary monition was no great loss, either to luxury or
learning.
* * * * *
LET me here register a letter which I have received from the Jehu
who voted for Smith, of Smithopolis. He conveys several curious
sentiments; and among other matters, records the demise of the person
to whom he was indebted for a lecture:
'_November the 5th, 1837._
'MY DEAR SIR:
'I have seen a piece which you made and put into a perryogue
published down into the city of New-York, to which I am a-going
to indict a reply. My indictment will be short, as some of
the parties is not present to which you have been allusive.
But with respect of that there diwine person you spoke of,
I am sorry to remark, that he is uncommonly dead, and wont
never give no more lectures. He was so onfortnight as to bu'st
a blood-vessel at a pertracted meeting; and I ha'n't hearn
nothing onto him sence. His motives was probable good; but in
delivering on 'em, it struck me forcibly that he proximated to
the _sassy_. However, I never reserves ill will, not ag'inst
nobody; and I authorize you to put this into printing, ef'so be
that you deem it useful. That's what Smith used to say, when he
published his self-nominations in the newspapers, that a man
with a horn (they tell me that he has a very large circle of
kindred) used to ride post about, and distribit.
'In the sincere congratulation that there has not nothing been
said in this communication unproper for the public ear, and for
giving you the descriptions of the rackets, and other messuages
respecting me, which you deeded to the public, I remain yours
until death do us part.
'POST TILLION.'
'Mr. OLLAPOD, M.D.'
Now there is no finding fault with a correspondent of this
description. Plain, unadorned, he gives his thoughts the drapery of
ink--dresses them in black--and there they stand, ('what is written
remains,') evidences at once of his frankness and his erudition. To
me, such documents, though light, and perhaps unpalatable to those
who prefer the heavier condiments of literature, form the cream or
the dessert of life's plenteous table.
* * * * *
TALKING of desserts--by which (whisper) I don't mean the boundless
contiguity of western wildernesses, nor the sandy bounds of Zahara,
but the after-glories of a dinner--I have of late arrived at some
curious embellishments of delicacies, on the part of those who are
bent upon improving the English language, at all hazards; upon
extending it to the utmost latitude of dainty expression and culture.
The Astor-House, I learn, at its Ladies' Ordinary, has furnished
forth some glorious specimens of English improved. 'Sir!' said an
exquisite, desirous of partaking a certain delicacy for himself and
his fair:
'Have you at present any of the _chastised idiot-brother_?'
'Han't seen no relations of your'n here to-day,' murmured the waiter,
'with an imperturbable and 'furtive' smile.'
'Don't be impertinent, fellow!' was the reply; 'I mean something to
eat!'
'If you want to eat any thing in the _idiot_ line,' replied the
servant, aside, as his inquisitor fingered his moustache, 'I guess
you'd better put some butter on your hair, and swaller _yourself_!'
And here the sacrilegious usher of sauces and glasses indulged in a
half-suppressed guffaw.
'Dar' say you consider that funny, my short _help_,' said the
inquirer: 'but what I want is what _you_ call _whipped-syllabub_.
Heaven help your ignorance!'
The requisite was handed--the exquisite appeased. But his quiet was
brief. Calling to him the same locomotive assistance, he inquired:
'Now, individual, I want some
_sacrificed-threshed-indigent-williams_. Have you got any?'
'Not one, upon my soul, your honor; that is, if you mean turnips.'
'Turnips!--curse turnips!--you double-distilled Vandal--you Goth--you
Visigoth! I mean, have you any roasted whippoorwills?'
'Holy Paul!' said a Hibernian 'help,' who had drawn a-nigh, attracted
by the discussion; 'in the name of the Vargin, what is _them_?'
Just at this juncture, the eaves-dropping by-stander who furnishes
the _mem._ of this, came away, leaving the emerald son--more verdant
to look at than his native isle--staring as if in a fit of astronomy,
in eclipse-time.
* * * * *
ONE of my autumnal recreations, good my reader, is hunting. I pull a
most fatal trigger. Venerie delighteth me, when the day is good and
the game abundant. I love, (heaven forgive me!) to bring down the
squirrel, with the half-munched chestnut in his teeth, what time his
bushy tail, (no longer waving in triumph over his back, as he bounds
from limb to limb,) quivers in _articulo mortis_. I confess me none
of your cockney venators. Some of these I have seen place the deadly
muzzle of a double-barrel rifle at the unsuspecting tail of a wren,
while the proximity of metal and feathers was less than an inch; and
when they fired, they plunged back some several yards, overcome with
horror, though the bird had flown without injury, save indeed some
blackened down, in extremis--a trifle, with life safe, and the world
before her.
The poetry of gunpowder is in making it _tell_. To go out when the
woods are so beautiful that you deem a score of dying dolphins hang
on every tree,
'When the sound of dropping nuts is heard, though all the leaves
are still,
And twinkle in the smoky light the waters of the rill;'
to hear the delicate tread of the game on the leaves, rustling amid
the murmur of solemn winds, as the westering sun scampers down the
west, with a face as red as if he had disgraced the solar family
by some misdemeanor; and then, in some thick recess of passing
foliage, and innumerous boughs, then and there to bore wingéd fowl,
and my gentleman quadrupeds of the sylvan fastness, with cold lead,
is exhilarating. All kinds of volant things that wing the autumn
air--all sorts of movers on four legs--to make these succumb to
the behests of minerals, deadly salts, and a percussion cap to set
them on, is a kind of great glory in a very small way. I miss in
my excursions of this nature, the kind of sport which I fancy they
who course the fields and glades of England must peculiarly enjoy;
hare-hunting, namely. 'The ancients,' saith my choice 'Elia,' must
have loved hares. Else why adopt the word _lepores_, (obviously from
_lepus_,) but from some subtle analogy between the delicate flavor
of the latter, and the finer relishes of wit in what we most poorly
translate _pleasantries_. The fine madnesses of the poet are the very
decoction of his diet. Thence is he hare-brained. Haram-scarum is
a libellous, unfounded phrase, of modern usage. 'Tis true the hare
is the most circumspect of animals, sleeping with her eyes open.
Her ears, ever erect, keep them in that wholesome exercise, which
conduces them to form the very tit-bit of the admirers of this noble
animal. Noble will I call her, in spite of her detractors, who from
occasional demonstrations of the principle of self-preservation
(common to all animals,) infer in her a defect of heroism. Half
a hundred horsemen, with thrice the number of dogs, scour the
country in pursuit of puss, across three counties; and because
the well-flavored beast, weighing the odds, is _willing_ to evade
the hue and cry, _with her delicate ears shrinking perchance from
discord_, comes the grave naturalist, Linnæus, perchance, or Buffon,
and gravely sets down the hare as--a timid animal. Why, Achilles, or
Bully Dawson, would have declined the preposterous combat!' This is
speaking sooth, and vindicates the fame of that class of tremulous
tenants of rural haunts, whose ears, most unhappily, are sometimes
longer than their lives.
* * * * *
SOMETIMES I surmount my pony, and traverse for miles the banks of
the Schuylkill; moving, now fast, now slow, as humor prompts, or
clouds portend. The city fades behind me; the beautiful eminence of
Fairmount, its spouting fountains, its statues in the many-colored
shade; the sheen of the river; the trellised pavilions that hang on
its side; the hum of waters, or the cheerings of some regatta, mingle
with far obscurity and airy nothing; and then, as I ride, I sing
the song of Anacreon Little, laying every tone to my heart, like a
treasure and a spell:
'Along by the Schuylkill a wanderer was roving,
And dear were its flowery banks to his eye;'
(I am bounding along--at a good rate am moving--
I have lost the last lines--unregained, if I try.)
Thus I murder the post-meridian hours, when the weather-office is
propitious, and its clerks attentive.
* * * * *
BY-THE-WAY, how often have I pondered on the extreme surprise
experienced by Balaam, of Old-Testament memory, when he rode out one
day on business. His meditations were most unexpectedly interrupted
by the beast he rode; and he was immensely astounded, when he found
out the garrulity of the animal. True to her sex, (for she was of the
tender gender,) she commenced a few sentences of small-talk, greatly
to his dismay. And who could marvel? What man but would listen,
_auribus erectis_, when he ascertained that his own ass was opening
a conversation with him? 'Twas thus with Balaam. He was well nigh
demented. He pommelled his beast with great vehemence; but she turned
her head to him, and said in the Hebrew dialect--'_No Go!_'
Is it not wonderful, that those who are skilled in biblical history,
who weigh evidence by the ounce, and inference by the pound, is it
not a marvel, that they have never traced the obstinacy of this
four-footed individual to the right motive? She was, in sooth, the
great progenitress of _Animal Magnetism_; and she presented, in her
own person, the first instance of _clairvoyance_ on record, either
in prose or rhyme. It was at her hinder feet that MESMER sat, in
thought, and caught the inspiration of his science. Balaam sat on
her patient back, burdened her hallowed vertebras, nor knew how much
wisdom he bestrode. Blinded mortal! He looked ahead for the cause of
his detention. He saw no reason why he should not push on; and in the
Egyptian obliquity of his heart, he 'whaled' his ass to a degree. It
did no good; on the contrary, 'twas quite the reverse. The ass and
the angel were looking steadfastly at each other; but Balaam saw but
one of the parties. He noted not the glittering and glorious obstacle
that stopped the narrow way. The loose and expressionless lips of his
ass spoke like a book; the _clairvoyance_ was established; but the
effect was slow. Henceforth, when the magnetic science is discussed,
honor its foundress. Render unto that ass the things which are asses.'
* * * * *
I HAVE achieved a victory which should fire the heart of any tasteful
bibliomaniac. _I stand seized of Lamb._ Understand me, reader, 'tis
no juvenile mutton, whereof I am possessed; not adolescent merino,
or embryo ram. By no manner of means; contrariwise, it is TALFOURD's
brief memoir, and a most succulent correspondence, by the author
of 'ELIA.' 'Tis a thing over which a father may waken his boy, in
the small hours of the morning, (being yet unmovéd bedward,) by
a multitudinous guffaw. Rosy slumber, ruptured by obstreperous
laughter; but ah! how decidedly unavoidable!
Yes; I write myself proprietor for the nonce of a London edition. My
name is written in 'LAMB's Book of Life;' say rather, in a Book of
the Life of Lamb. Most hugeously do I relish his quaint conceits, and
those dainty sentences, the fashioning whereof came to him unbidden,
from spirits of the olden time, bending from the clouds of fame.
(By-the-by, what an unconscionable dog was Ossian! He always kept a
score or two of heroes, sitting half-dressed on cold clouds, making
speeches. 'Twas most unkind of him. But he lived in a rude age.) Lamb
was one of those precious few of whom the world is not worthy. He
wrote from the impulses of a noble heart, guided to new expression
by a mind clear as the brook of Siloa, that flowed by the oracles of
God. He was not one of your persons who are dignified by the phrase
'all heart,' for he had a prolific brain, which all-hearted people
generally lack. Of course, he disciplined himself betwixt a desk at
the India-House, and his social hours, or studious; but what golden
fruitage sprang therefrom! None of your crude sentences, half-formed,
unlicked, unpolished; but full of meaning; succinct to the eye, and
harmonious to the ear. There is a light from his pen, which can
illumine the saddest hour. He went forth to amuse and enlighten, as
the sun gets up in the morning to cheer the world, 'with all his
fires and travelling glories round him.' Essayist incomparable! How
would he have looked writing a prize-tale for the horror-mongers!
* * * * *
IN respect of these latter things, how many double-distilled
atrocities of that kind are now and then committed at this day! They
must be filled with blood and murder; piracy, thieving, villany of
all sorts, must be thrown in, to make the mixture 'slab and good.'
This is the result of the ten thousand pages of trash, which the want
of a copy-right law entails upon us from England. _Improbability_
is the first ingredient, to which assassination, seduction, and all
kinds of crime, must approximate. Let me give a specimen:
'THE FATAL VOW.'
'It was late in the fall of 18--, (convenient blank!) when, as
the night had come on, on a stormy evening, a dreadful tempest
arose in the west. The lightning flashed, the thunder faintly
bellowed for a time; but soon the lightning discontinued,
though the thunder moaned on. It was pitch dark--darkness
Egyptian. The sight was palsied and checked within an inch
of the eye. At this juncture, two men on horseback might
have been seen, at the distance of half a mile from the
river ----, riding through a thick wood. One of them was of
sallow complexion, with huge black whiskers; he rode a horse
of the color called by rural people 'pumpkin-and-milk,' or
cream-color, rather. In his holster were two pistols. He wore
a broad slouching hat, apparently unpaid for. A frown, blacker
considerably than hell, darkened his brow. Turning to his
companion, a weazen-faced man, with a red head, mounted on what
is called a 'calico mare,' he said:
'Well, Jakarzil, shall we do the deed to-night?'
'It would ill befit the noble Count d'Urzilio de Belleville,'
said the dependant, 'to shoot that ill-fated lady at the
present time. It would not _look_ well.'
'I care not for the looks!' replied the count, curling his lip,
and placing in his sinister cheek a piece of tobacco, 'I must
have vengeance! If the candle is not at the casement, I shall
bu'st the door. I want revenge!'
'TO BE CONTINUED.'
This is like the modern tales. Meditated butchery, successful
scoundrelism, and other delectables, make up their sum. As the
fragment just read may never be concluded, I will mention the fate of
the parties. The hero shot his grandmother out of _pique_, and was
hung; Jakarzil, his man, is in the penitentiary for horse-stealing.
* * * * *
SOME of my unpoetical friends think I have underrated the Falls at
Catskill. Heaven save the mark! They have never seen Niagara, and are
therefore contented with a few grim rocks, the gate of a mill-dam,
and grandeur by the gallon; for thus, in a manner, is it sold. No!
Let these untravelled but clever fellows once hear the roar that
shakes Goat-Island, and the region round about; see the river that
pours its mile-wide breakers down, and mark the rainbow smile! Ever
thereafter will they hold their peace.
* * * * *
ONE or two credulous persons have fancied that the sketch of 'Smith
of Smithopolis' was designed as an imputation upon the name. The
said imputation is disdained, by these presents. I have a decided
regard for that style and title: companionship, familiarity, personal
knowledge, (so grateful to the inquiring mind,) are its synonyms.
Beside, I honor the name, for sundry associations. Who has never
rode in a rail-car, a steam-boat, or a coach, with a person of the
name of Smith? Or heard him speak at a public meeting? Or owed him a
trifle? Or had a trifle due from him, the Smith aforesaid? _Nemo_--'I
undertake to say'--(in fact I not only _undertake_ this vocal
enterprise, but I _accomplish_ it.) Aside, reader, 'tis a criticism
on the phrase; which whoso uses when he knows what he is about to set
down in palpable chirography, is a _sumph_ unqualified: _Anglice_,
one of the flat 'uns, named of _Stulti_.
The Smiths are numerous, 'tis said. Grant it. Who pays more
post-office revenue? Who more quickly resents a jeer upon the name?
Tell me that. 'Not nobody.' Would you look for heroes? The Smiths
could supply them. For female goodness and devotion? The same, from
the same. For wit, genius, and elevated-talent? _Vide_ Horace and
James, of the Addresses, and Richard Penn; the studious scholar, good
lawyer, quaint citizen, novelist, poet, dramatist--every thing clever.
* * * * *
I HAD many more things to say, courteous reader; but I fear,
from what I have written, you may augur a bore. Heaven forfend!
Consequently, thine in conclusion, I write myself, henceforth, now,
and formerly,
OLLAPOD.
FOOTNOTE:
[10] Apropos of this 'supererogatory and adscititious' prohibition.
The small steamers which ply on the beautiful Connecticut, above the
ancient fortification of 'Göed Höop,' renowned in KNICKERBOCKER's
veracious history, and now known as 'Dutch Point,' have but one
paddle-wheel, which is placed some six or eight feet astern. The
voyager in these pretty craft is forcibly struck with the necessity
of obeying a printed order, conspicuously posted: _No smoking abaft
the wheel!_' And those who watch from the shore the locomotive column
of spray, (like the 'pillar of cloud by day' that concealed the
Israelites,) which hides the boat from view, in its upward passage,
must also be of opinion that his 'pipe' would be soon 'put-out,' who
should attempt to smoke in so moist a region.
EXAMPLE.
HIS faults that in a private station sits,
Do mainly harm him only that commits:
Those placed on high a bright example owe--
Much to themselves, more to the crowd below.
A paltry watch, in private pocket borne,
Misleads but him alone by whom 'tis worn;
But the town-clock, that steeples oft display,
By going wrong, leads half the town astray.
THE COMING OF WINTER.
I.
THE wintry months are here again--
Around us are their snows and storms;
The tempest shrieks along the plain,
The forest heaves its giant forms.
II.
The drifting sleet flies from the hill,
Thick clouds deform the threat'ning sky;
While in the vale, the birds are still,
And chain'd by frosts, the waters lie.
III.
Ah! where is now the merry May,
The green banks, and the leafy bowers?
The cricket's chirp, the linnet's lay,
That gave such sweetness to the hours?
IV.
And where the sunny sky, that round
This world of glad and breathing things,
Came with its sweetness and its sound,
Its golden light and glancing wings?
V.
Alas! the eye falls now no more
On flowery field, or hill, or plain;
Nor for the ear the woodlands pour
One glad note of the summer's strain!
VI.
The green leaves stript have left the woods
Towering--their tall arms bleak and bare;
And now they choke the sounding floods,
Or fill, in clouds, the rushing air!
VII.
Yet turn we here! The winter's fire,
Its crackling faggots blazing bright,
Hath joys that never, never tire,
And looks that fill us with delight.
VIII.
Home's joys! Ah yes, 'tis these are ours,
Home's looks and hearts! 'tis these can bring
A something sweeter than the flowers,
And purer than the airs of spring.
IX.
Then welcome be old Winter here!
Ay! welcome be the stormy hour;
Our kindly looks and social cheer
Shall cheat the monarch of his power!
X.
With mirth and joy the hours we'll crown--
Love to our festival we'll bring!
And calm the sturdy blusterer down,
And make him smiling as the spring!
_New-Haven, November 13th, 1837._ B. T. W.
OCEOLA'S CHALLENGE.
LATE accounts from St. Augustine state, that the recent capture
of the Indian chiefs has by no means increased the friendly
feelings of the red men toward the whites. 'There will yet be
hard fighting, and they will be rendered more desperate than
ever. Even the captives seem to doubt that they will be sent
out of the country.'
* * * * *
COME on! O'er prairie, bluff, and swamp,
By bush, and rock, and tree,
Where'er an Indian's foot may tramp,
Where'er ye march, where'er ye camp,
My warrior band shall be!
Come on! My words are plain and few,
My greeting brief and free
But if ye think it less than due,
With deadly aim, my rifle true
Shall welcome speak for me.
Come on! And if ye miss the track
Left by the red man's tread,
Well shall ye know the pathway back!
We'll strew it, lest a guide ye lack,
With heaps of scalpless dead!
Come on! Our sires your fathers fought
In these green wilds of old,
We ask ye, and we owe ye nought,
And know, these lands, that ne'er were bought,
Can but for blood be sold!
_November, 1837._ H.
RANDOM PASSAGES
FROM ROUGH NOTES OF A VISIT TO ENGLAND, SCOTLAND, FRANCE,
SWITZERLAND, AND GERMANY.
NUMBER EIGHT.
PRUSSIA--BELGIUM.
COLOGNE, SEPTEMBER 14TH.--On the arrival of the steam-boat, (_alias,
dampschïffen_, or _le bateau à vapeur_,) the bells of the town were
ringing, cannons firing, a band of music playing, and the _quais_
were filled with at least five thousand people, who were kept in
order by a party of soldiers. Some distinguished personage seemed
to be expected in the boat, but there was none forthcoming. The
military cleared a passage through the crowd, and we landed without
any confusion, although it was dark, and there were three hundred
passengers (picked up on the way,) to be supplied with porters and
lodgings; and the place was known to be full. At the fourth hotel I
applied to, alone, in the dark, in a strange place, I succeeded in
securing an attic; but many others were even less fortunate.
After supper, I made a sally through the principal streets, which are
well lighted with gas. It seems to be a busy and cheerful place, much
like Paris; buildings irregular, streets crooked, and ill-paved. The
far-famed _Eau-de-Cologne_ forms a considerable article of its trade,
and has contributed not a little to familiarize its name all over the
world. The four brothers Farina rival each other in the manufacture;
but the most noted artist is Jean Maria Farina. I took a peep into
his establishment; and were it not that His Majesty of England would
make me pay for it over again, I should like to send you some of the
'genuine article.'
* * * * *
AIX LA CHAPELLE, SEPTEMBER 15TH.--My present date is from the city of
Charlemagne. 'To begin where I left off.' While writing last evening
in my _lofty_ apartment, looking out upon the Rhine, the music on
the quay suddenly re-commenced, and the enthusiastic shouts of the
populace announced that the expected visitor had arrived. It proved
to be the crown prince of Prussia, and his two brothers. Prussia
now extends, as you are aware, this side of the Rhine as far as
Aix. The present king and all his family are said to be exceedingly
and deservedly popular with the people. The government, although
in theory despotic, is evidently mild and liberal in practice. In
education, I need not tell you, Prussia stands prëeminent; and if you
are curious for information on this point, I would refer you to the
recent report of Victor Cousin.[11] The regulations of the police,
the public conveyances, etc., in the Prussian dominions are certainly
excellent.