UNGENEROUS BENEVOLENCE.
As the time went on, and Letty saw nothing more of Tom, she began to
revive a little, and feel as if she were growing safe again. The tide
of temptation was ebbing away; there would be no more deceit; never
again would she place herself in circumstances whence might arise any
necessity for concealment. She began, much too soon, alas! to feel as
if she were newborn; nothing worthy of being called a new birth can
take place anywhere but in the will, and poor Letty's will was not yet
old enough to give birth to anything; it scarcely, indeed, existed. The
past was rapidly receding, that was all, and had begun to look dead,
and as if it wanted only to be buried out of her sight. For what is
done is done, in small faults as well as in murders; and, as nothing
can recall it, or make it not be, where can be the good in thinking
about it?--a reasoning worse than dangerous, before one has left off
being capable of the same thing over again. Still, in the mere absence
of renewed offense, it is well that some shadow of peace should return;
else how should men remember the face of innocence? or how should they
live long enough to learn to repent? But for such breaks, would not
some grow worse at full gallop?
That the idea of Tom's friendship was very pleasant to her, who can
blame her? He had never said he loved her; he had only said she was
lovely: was she therefore bound to persuade herself he meant nothing at
all? Was it not as much as could be required of her, that, in her
modesty, she took him for no more than a true, kind friend, who would
gladly be of service to her? Ah! if Tom had but been that! If he was
not, he did not know it, which is something to say both for and against
him. It could not be other than pleasant to Letty to have one, in her
eyes so superior, who would talk to her as an equal. It was not that
ever she resented being taught; but she did get tired of lessons only,
beautiful as they were. A kiss from Mrs. Wardour, or a little teasing
from Cousin Godfrey, would have done far more than all his intellectual
labor upon her to lift her feet above such snares as she was now
walking amid. She needed some play--a thing far more important to life
than a great deal of what is called business and acquirement. Many a
matter, over which grown people look important, long-faced, and
consequential, is folly, compared with the merest child's frolic, in
relation to the true affairs of existence.
All the time, Letty had not in the least neglected her houseduties;
and, again, her readings with her cousin Godfrey, since Tom's apparent
recession, had begun to revive in interest. He grew kinder and kinder
to her, more and more fatherly.
But the mother, once disquieted, had lost no time in taking measures.
In every direction, secretly, through friends, she was inquiring after
some situation suitable for Letty: she owed it to herself, she said, to
find for the girl the right thing, before sending her from the house.
In the true spirit of benevolent tyranny, she said not a word to Letty
of her design. She had the chronic distemper of concealment, where
Letty had but a feverish attack. Much false surmise might have been
corrected, and much evil avoided, had she put it in Letty's power to
show how gladly she would leave Thornwick. In the mean time the old
lady kept her lynx-eye upon the young people.
But Godfrey, having caught a certain expression in the said eye, came
to the resolution that thenceforth their schoolroom should be the
common sitting-room. This would aid him in carrying out his resolve of
a cautious and staid demeanor toward his pupil. To preserve his
freedom, he must keep himself thoroughly in hand. Experience had taught
him that, were he once to give way and show his affection, there would
from that moment be an end of teaching and learning. And yet so much
was he drawn to the girl, that, at this very time, he gave her the
manuscript of his own verses to which I have referred--a volume
exquisitely written, and containing, certainly, the outcome of the best
that was in him: he did not tell her that he had copied them all with
such care and neatness, and had the book so lovelily bound, expressly
and only for her eyes..
News of something that seemed likely to suit her ideas for Letty at
length came to Mrs. Wardour's ears, whereupon she thought it time to
prepare the girl for the impending change. One day, therefore, as she
herself sat knitting one sock for Godfrey, and Letty darning another,
she opened the matter.
"I am getting old, Letty," she said, "and you can't be here always. You
are a thoughtless creature, but I suppose you have the sense to see
that?"
"Yes, indeed, aunt," answered Letty.
"It is high time you should be thinking," Mrs. Wardour went on, "how
you are to earn your bread. If you left it till I was gone, you would
find it very awkward, for you would have to leave Thornwick at once,
and I don't know who would take you while you were looking out. I must
see you comfortably settled before I go."
"Yes, aunt."
"There are not many things you could do."
"No, aunt; very few. But I should make a better housemaid than most--I
do believe that."
"I am glad to find you willing to work; but we shall be able, I trust,
to do a little better for you than that. A situation as housemaid would
reflect little credit on my pains for you--would hardly correspond to
the education you have had."
Mrs. Wardour referred to the fact that Letty was for about a year a
day--boarder at a ladies' school in Testbridge, where no immortal soul,
save that of a genius, which can provide its own sauce, could have
taken the least interest in the chaff and chopped straw that composed
the provender.
"It is true," her aunt went on, "you might have made a good deal more
of it, if you had cared to do your best; but, such as you are, I trust
we shall find you a very tolerable situation as governess."
At the word, Letty's heart ran half-way up her throat. A more dreadful
proposal she could not have imagined. She felt, and was, utterly
insufficient for--indeed, incapable of such an office. She felt she
knew nothing: how was she to teach anything? Her heart seemed to grow
gray within her. By nature, from lack of variety of experience, yet
more from daily repression of her natural joyousness, she was
exceptionally apprehensive where anything was required of her. What she
understood, she encountered willingly and bravely; but, the simplest
thing that seemed to involve any element of obscurity, she dreaded like
a dragon in his den.
"You don't seem to relish the proposal, Letty," said Mrs. Wardour. "I
hope you had not taken it in your head that I meant to leave you
independent. What I have done for you, I have done purely for your
father's sake. I was under no obligation to take the least trouble
about you. But I have more regard to your welfare than I fear you give
me credit for."
"O aunt! it's only that I'm not fit for being a governess. I shouldn't
a bit mind being dairymaid or housemaid. I would go to such a place
to-morrow, if you liked."
"Letty, your tastes may be vulgar, but you owe it to your family to
look at least like a lady."
"But I am not scholar enough for a governess, aunt."
"That is not my fault. I sent you to a good school. Now, I will find
you a good situation, and you must contrive to keep it."
"O aunt! let me stay here--just as I am. Call me your dairymaid or your
housemaid. It is all one--I do the work now."
"Do you mean to reflect on me that I have required menial offices of
you? I have been to you in the place of a mother; and it is for me, not
for you, to make choice of your path in life."
"Do you want me to go at once?" asked Letty, her heart sinking again,
and her voice trembling with a pathos her aunt quite misunderstood.
"As soon as I have secured for you a desirable situation--not before,"
answered Mrs. Wardour, in a tone generously protective.
Her affection for the girl had never been deep; and, the moment she
fancied she and her son were drawing toward each other, she became to
her the thawed adder: she wished the adder well, but was she bound to
harbor it after it had begun to bite? There are who never learn to see
anything except in its relation to themselves, nor that relation except
as fancied by themselves; and, this being a withering habit of mind,
they keep growing drier, and older, and smaller, and deader, the longer
they live--thinking less of other people, and more of themselves and
their past experience, all the time as they go on withering.
But Mrs. Wardour was in some dread of what her son would say when he
came to know what she had been doing; for, when we are not at ease with
ourselves, when conscience keeps moving as if about to speak, then we
dread the disapproval of the lowliest, and Godfrey was the only one
before whom his mother felt any kind of awe. Toward him, therefore, she
kept silence for the present. If she had spoken then, things might have
gone very differently: it might have brought Godfrey to the point of
righteous resolve or of passionate utterance. He could not well have
opposed his mother's design without going further and declaring that,
if Letty would, she should remain where she was, the mistress of the
house. If not the feeling of what was due to her, the dread of the
house without her might well have brought him to this.
Letty, for her part, believed her cousin Godfrey regarded her with
pity, and showed her kindness from a generous sense of duty; she was a
poor, dull creature for whom her cousin must do what he could: one word
of genuine love from him, one word even of such love as was in him,
would have caused her nature to shoot heavenward and spread out
earthward with a rapidity that would have astonished him; she would
thereby have come into her spiritual property at once, and heaven would
have opened to her--a little way at least--probably to close again for
a time. Now she felt crushed. The idea of undertaking that for which
she knew herself so ill fitted was not merely odious but frightful to
her. She was ready enough to work, but it must be real, not sham work.
She must see and consult Mary! This was quite another affair from Tom!
She would take the first opportunity. In the mean time there was
nothing to be done or said; and with a heavy heart she held her
peace--only longed for her own room, that she might have a cry. To her
comfort the clock struck ten, and all that now lay between her and that
refuge was the usual round of the house with Mrs. Wardour, to see all
safe for the night. That done, they parted, and Letty went slowly and
sadly up the stair. It was a dark prospect before her. At best, she had
to leave the only home she remembered, and go among strangers.