["In my time at Eton it was the custom with one's tutor to
supply us with what was disrespectfully called 'nonsense' material
for some suggested theme."--JAMES PAYN, _in "Our Note-Book" in "The
Illustrated London News_."]
Will you follow where the Bandicoots inevitably stray,
As they amorously hurtle through the stubble and the hay;
Where the Jebusites and Amorites are gathered in a bunch,
While they watch the duck-billed Platypus preparing for his lunch?
Where the toothsome Trichinopli keeps turning on the spit--
Oh my dove-like Trichinopoli, how hard you are to hit!
There is something so elusive and desserting in your shape,
That I had to shoot you sitting and to load my gun with grape.
[Illustration]
Though the Mandrake give you goose-skin by its inharmonious shriek,
And a tug of war come thenning after Greek has met with Greek;
I will stay at home and see the giddy milkman fill his pail
For an orchestra of Clepsydras conducted by a Snail.
And it's oh to be a Manatee--I think I shall be soon--
Riding coffee-coloured Dolphins on the snaffle (or bridoon).
With his Barnacles and Biffin-boys belaying in the sea,
He has always eggs at breakfast, has the merry Manatee.
Can you see me then subsiding very stately very sly,
Like a soluble quadratic which has lost its x and y.
Getting out my rusty rapier and dissecting with a lunge
All the daffodils and daisies that I grow upon my sponge?
Can you see me on a tram-car, while I stand upon my head,
Shredding out the scarlet runners which no publisher has read,
In a horse-case predetermined by a puisne-judge alone,
Who is tired of seeing juries with a rider of their own?
If the dactyls and the spondees should eventually pall,
You can call on Miss CAESURA and conduct her to a ball.
You can feed the girl on trochees, and of course you can propose,
If hexameters delight you when recited through the nose.
Happy days, how soon ye falter; can a Bachelor have bliss?
Can a contrapuntal Bulbul woo her lover with a kiss?
Can a Scotsman get protection for his philibeg and trews
By dictating half a column to the _Illustrated News_?
Can a Bumble-bee be cheerful if related to a Mouse
Which has left its cheesy larder and been captured by a Grouse?
Can a man-of-war be manly, can a gum-boil stick like glue?
Can accounts be cooked with "stumers," and converted into stew?
Nay, I fly from all these problems; I am fortunately deaf
To the fascinating music of the careful Q. E. F.,
Nor can theorems allure me, never, never will I be
Mathematically married to a vulgar Q. E. D.
But at home I'll sit and linger by the soft September fire,
While I toast my feet and rack them by particular desire.
And I'll illustrate my meaning (penny coloured, twopence plain)
Drawing gaily on the "Note Book" of my old friend JIMMY PAYN.
* * * * *
MAD AS A HATTER.--The _Drapery World_ says that "the New Woman's hat" is
much like the Ordinary Man's "topper," only a little smaller, and a
little more cheeky. The phrase might fitly be transferred to the "New
Woman" herself. She looks _so_ much like an ordinary man, only a little
smaller and a little more cheeky. By the way, is there _much_ difference
between "the New Woman's hat" and the woman's new hat? The query would
make a good one for a French Exercise Book.
* * * * *
Wheel and Whoa!
The popular wheel, so the French doctors say,
Is the worst enemy of the popular _weal_.
Academies of science scarce will stay
The devastations of the steed of steel.
The scorcher will deride as a bad joke
Attempts in his wild wheel to put a spoke
* * * * *
INSTRUMENT FOR AN ANTI-BIRMINGHAM BAND.--The Ban-Joe.
* * * * *
[Illustration: