Mr. Midshipman Easy

Frederick Marryat, novelist and captain in the navy, was born

in London on July 10, 1792. As a boy he chiefly distinguished

himself by repeatedly running away from school with the

intention of going to sea. His first experience of naval

service was under Lord Cochrane, whom he afterwards reproduced

as Captain Savage of the Diomede in "Peter Simple." Honourable

though Marryat's life at sea was, it is as a graphic depictor

of naval scenes, customs, and character that he is known to

the present generation. His first story, "Frank Mildmay"

(1829), took the reading public by storm, and from that time

onward he produced tale after tale with startling rapidity.

"Peter Simple" is the best of Captain Marryat's novels, and

"Mr. Midshipman Easy" is the most humorous. Published in

volume form in 1836, after appearing serially in the pages of

the "Metropolitan Magazine," of which Marryat was then editor,

the latter story immediately caught the fancy of the public,

and considerably widened his already large circle of readers.

"Mr. Midshipman Easy" is frankly farcical; it shows its author

not only as a graphic writer, but as one gifted with an

abundance of whimsical humour and a keen sense of

characterisation. Opinions may differ as to the actual merits

of "Mr. Midshipman Easy," but it has more than served its

author's purpose--it has held the public for over seventy

years. Captain Marryat died on August 9, 1848.

_I.--Mr. Easy Joins His Majesty's Service_

Mr. Nicodemus Easy was a gentleman who lived down in Hampshire. He was a

married man, and in very easy circumstances, and having decided to be a

philosopher, he had fixed upon the rights of man, equality, and all

that--how every person was born to inherit his share of the earth--for

his philosophy.

At the age of fourteen his only son, Jack, decided to go to sea.

"It has occurred to me, father," he said, "that although the whole earth

has been so nefariously divided among the few, the waters at least are

the property of all. No man claims his share of the sea; everyone may

there plough as he pleases without being taken up for a trespasser. It

is, then, only upon the ocean that I am likely to find that equality and

rights of man which we are so anxious to establish on shore; and

therefore I have resolved not to go to school again, which I detest, but

to go to sea."

"I cannot listen to that, Jack. You must return to school."

"All I have to say is, father, that I swear by the rights of man I will

not go back to school, and that I will go to sea. Was I not born my own

master? Has anyone a right to dictate to me as if I were not his equal?"

Mr. Easy had nothing to reply.

"I will write to Captain Wilson," he said mournfully.

Captain Wilson, who was under considerable obligations to Mr. Easy,

wrote in reply promising that he would treat Jack as his own son, and

our hero very soon found his way down to Portsmouth.

As Jack had plenty of money, and was very much pleased at finding

himself his own master, he was in no hurry to join his ship, and five or

six companions whom he had picked up strongly advised him to put it off

until the very last moment. So he was three weeks at Portsmouth before

anyone knew of his arrival.

At last, Captain Wilson, receiving a note from Mr. Easy, desired Mr.

Sawbridge, the first lieutenant, to make inquiries; and Mr. Sawbridge,

going on shore, and being informed by the waiter at the Fountain Inn

that Mr. Easy had been there three weeks, was justly indignant.

Mr. Sawbridge was a good officer, who had really worked his way up to

the present rank--that is, he had served seven-and-twenty years, and had

nothing but his pay. He was a good-hearted man; but when he entered

Jack's room, and saw the dinner-table laid out in the best style for

eight, his bile was raised by the display.

"May I beg to ask," said Jack, who was always remarkably polite in his

address, "in what manner I may be of service to you?"

"Yes sir, you may--by joining your ship immediately."

Hereupon, Jack, who did not admire the peremptory tone of Mr. Sawbridge,

very coolly replied. "And, pray, who are you?"

"Who am I, sir? My name is Sawbridge, sir, and I am the first lieutenant

of the Harpy. Now, sir, you have your answer."

Mr. Sawbridge was not in uniform, but he imagined the name of the first

lieutenant would strike terror to a culprit midshipman.

"Really, sir," replied Jack. "What may be your exact situation on board?

My ignorance of the service will not allow me to guess; but if I may

judge from your behaviour, you have no small opinion of yourself."

"Look ye, young man, you may not know what a first lieutenant is; but,

depend upon it, I'll let you know very soon! In the meantime, sir, I

insist that you go immediately on board."

"I'm sorry that I cannot comply with your very moderate request,"

replied Jack coolly. "I shall go on board when it suits my convenience,

and I beg that you will give yourself no further trouble on my account."

He then rang the bell. "Waiter, show this gentleman downstairs."

"By the god of wars!" exclaimed the first lieutenant. "But I'll soon

show you down to the boat, my young bantam! I shall now go and report

your conduct to Captain Wilson, and if you are not on board this

evening, to-morrow morning I shall send a sergeant and a file of marines

to fetch you."

"You may depend upon it," replied Jack, "that I also shall not fail to

mention to Captain Wilson that I consider you a very quarrelsome,

impertinent fellow, and recommend him not to allow you to remain on

board. It will be quite uncomfortable to be in the same ship with such

an ungentlemanly bear."

"He must be mad--quite mad!" exclaimed Sawbridge, whose astonishment

even mastered his indignation. "Mad as a March hare!"

"No, sir," replied Jack, "I am not mad, but I am a philosopher."

"A _what_? Well, my joker, all the better for you. I shall put your

philosophy to the proof."

"It is for that very reason, sir, that I have decided upon going to sea;

and if you do remain on board, I hope to argue the point with you, and

make you a convert to the truth of equality and the rights of man. We

are all born equal. I trust you'll allow that?"

"Twenty-seven years have I been in the service!" roared Sawbridge. "But

he's mad--downright, stark, staring mad!" And the first lieutenant

bounced out of the room.

"He calls me mad," thought Jack. "I shall tell Captain Wilson what is my

opinion about his lieutenant." Shortly afterwards the company arrived,

and Jack soon forgot all about it.

In the meantime, Sawbridge called at the captain's lodgings, and made a

faithful report of all that had happened.

Sawbridge and Wilson were old friends and messmates, and the captain put

it to the first lieutenant that Mr. Easy, senior, having come to his

assistance and released him from heavy difficulties with a most generous

cheque, what could he do but be a father to his son?

"I can only say," replied Sawbridge, "that, not only to please you, but

also from respect to a man who has shown such goodwill towards one of

our cloth, I shall most cheerfully forgive all that has passed between

the lad and me."

Captain Wilson then dispatched a note to our hero, requesting the

pleasure of his company to breakfast on the ensuing morning, and Jack

answered in the affirmative.

Captain Wilson, who knew all about Mr. Easy's philosophy, explained to

Jack the details and rank of every person on board, and that everyone

was equally obliged to obey orders. Lieutenant Sawbridge's demeanour was

due entirely to his zeal for his country.

That evening Mr. Jack Easy was safe on board his majesty's sloop Harpy.

_II.--On Board the Harpy_

Jack remained in his hammock during the first few days at sea. He was

very sick, bewildered, and confused, every minute knocking his head

against the beams with the pitching and tossing of the sloop.

"And this is going to sea," thought Jack. "No wonder that no one

interferes with another here, or talks about a trespass; for I am sure

anyone is welcome to my share of the ocean."

When he was well enough he was told to go to the midshipman's berth, and

Jack, who now felt excessively hungry, crawled over and between chests

until he found himself in a hole infinitely inferior to the dog-kennels

which received his father's pointers.

"I'd not only give up the ocean," thought Jack, "and my share of it, but

also my share of the Harpy, unto anyone who fancies it. Equality enough

here, for everyone appears equally miserably off."

But when he had gained the deck, the scene of cheerfulness, activity,

and order lightened his heart after the four days of suffering, close

air, and confinement from which he had just emerged.

Jack dined with the captain that night, and was very much pleased to

find that everyone drank wine with him, and that everybody at the

captain's table appeared to be on an equality. Before the dessert had

been on the table five minutes, Jack became loquacious on his favourite

topic. All the company stared with surprise at such an unheard-of

doctrine being broached on board of a man-of-war.

This day may be considered as the first in which Jack really made his

appearance on board, and it also was on this first day that Jack made

known, at the captain's table, his very peculiar notions. If the company

at the captain's table were astonished at such heterodox opinions being

started, they were equally astonished at the cool, good-humoured

ridicule with which they were received by Captain Wilson. The report of

Jack's boldness, and every word and opinion that he had uttered--of

course, much magnified--were circulated that evening through the whole

ship; the matter was canvassed in the gun-room by the officers, and

descanted upon by the midshipmen as they walked the deck. The boatswain

talked it over with the other warrant officers, till the grog was all

gone, and then dismissed it as too dry a subject.

The bully of the midshipman's berth--a young man about seventeen, named

Vigors--at once attacked our hero.

"So, my chap, you are come on board to raise a mutiny here with your

equality? You came off scot free at the captain's table, but it won't

do, I can tell you; someone must knock under in the midshipman's berth,

and you are one of them."

"I can assure you that you are mistaken," replied Easy.

At school Jack had fought and fought again, until he was a very good

bruiser, and although not so tall as Vigors, he was much better built

for fighting.

"I've thrashed bigger fellows than he," he said to himself.

"You impudent blackguard!" exclaimed Vigors. "If you say another word,

I'll give you a good thrashing, and knock some of your equality out of

you!"

"Indeed!" replied Jack, who almost fancied himself back at school.

"We'll try that!"

Vigors had gained his assumed authority more by bullying than fighting;

others had submitted to him without a sufficient trial. Jack, on the

contrary, had won his way up in school by hard and scientific combat.

The result, therefore, may easily be imagined. In less than a quarter of

an hour Vigors, beaten dead, with his eyes closed and three teeth out,

gave in; while Jack, after a basin of water, looked as fresh as ever.

After that, Jack declared that as might was right in a midshipman's

berth, he would so far restore equality that, let who would come, they

must be his master before they should tyrannise over those weaker than

he.

_III.--The Triangular Duel_

Jack, although generally popular on board, had made enemies of Mr.

Biggs, the boatswain, and Mr. Easthupp, the purser's steward. The

latter--a cockney and a thief--had even been kicked down the hatchway by

our hero.

When the Harpy was at Malta, Jack, wroth at the way the two men talked

at him, declared he would give them satisfaction.

"Mr. Biggs, let you and this fellow put on plain clothes, and I will

meet you both."

"One at a time?" said the boatswain.

"No, sir; not one at a time, but both at the same time. I will fight

both or none. If you are my superior officer, you must _descend_ to meet

me, or I will not descend to meet that fellow, whom I believe to have

been little better than a pickpocket!"

Mr. Biggs having declared that he would fight, of course, had to look

out for a second, and he fixed upon Mr. Tallboys, the gunner, and

requested him to be his friend. Mr. Tallboys consented, but he was very

much puzzled how to arrange that _three_ were to fight at the same time,

for he had no idea of there being two duels. Jack had no one to confide

in but Gascoigne, a fellow-midshipman; and although Gascoigne thought it

was excessively _infra dig._ of Jack to meet even the boatswain, as the

challenge had been given there was no retracting, and he therefore

consented and went to meet Mr. Tallboys.

"Mr. Gascoigne," said the gunner, "you see that there are three parties

to fight. Had there been two or four there would have been no

difficulty, as the straight line or square might guide us in that

instance; but we must arrange it upon the triangle in this."

Gascoigne stared. He could not imagine what was coming.

"The duel between three can only be fought upon the principle of the

triangle," the gunner went on. "You observe," he said, taking a piece of

chalk and making a triangle on the table, "in this figure we have three

points, each equidistant from each other; and we have three combatants,

so that, placing one at each point, it is all fair play for the three.

Mr. Easy, for instance, stands here, the boatswain here, and the

purser's steward at the third corner. Now, if the distance is fairly

measured it will be all right."

"But then," replied Gascoigne, delighted at the idea, "how are they to

fire?"

"It certainly is not of much consequence," replied the gunner; "but

still, as sailors, it appears to me that they should fire with the

sun--that is, Mr. Easy fires at Mr. Biggs, Mr. Biggs fires at Mr.

Easthupp, and Mr. Easthupp fires at Mr. Easy, so that you perceive that

each party has his shot at one, and at the same time receives the fire

of another."

Gascoigne was in ecstasies at the novelty of the proceeding.

"Upon my word, Mr. Tallboys, I give you great credit. You have a

profound mathematical head, and I am delighted with your arrangement. I

shall insist upon Mr. Easy consenting to your excellent and scientific

proposal."

Gascoigne went out and told Jack what the gunner had proposed, at which

Jack laughed heartily. The gunner also explained it to the boatswain,

who did not very well comprehend, but replied, "I daresay it's all

right. Shot for shot, and d---- all favours!"

The parties then repaired to the spot with two pairs of ship's pistols,

which Mr. Tallboys had smuggled on shore; and as soon as they were on

the ground, the gunner called Mr. Easthupp. In the meantime, Gascoigne

had been measuring an equilaterial triangle of twelve paces, and marked

it out. Mr. Tallboys, on his return with the purser's steward, went over

the ground, and finding that it was "equal angles subtended by equal

sides," declared that it was all right. Easy took his station, the

boatswain was put into his, and Mr. Easthupp, who was quite in a

mystery, was led by the gunner to the third position.

"But, Mr. Tallboys," said the purser's steward, "I don't understand

this. Mr. Easy will first fight Mr. Biggs, will he not?"

"No," replied the gunner; "this is a duel of three. You will fire at Mr.

Easy, Mr. Easy will fire at Mr. Biggs, and Mr. Biggs will fire at you.

It is all arranged, Mr. Easthupp."

"But," said Mr. Easthupp, "I do not understand it. Why is Mr. Biggs to

fire at me? I have no quarrel with Mr. Biggs."

"Because Mr. Easy fires at Mr. Biggs, and Mr. Biggs must have his shot

as well."

"But still, I've no quarrel with Mr. Biggs, and therefore, Mr. Biggs, of

course you will not aim at me."

"Why, you don't think that I'm going to be fired at for nothing?"

replied the boatswain. "No, no; I'll have my shot, anyhow!"

"But at your friend, Mr. Biggs?"

"All the same, I shall fire at somebody, shot for shot, and hit the

luckiest."

"Vel, gentlemen, I purtest against these proceedings," remarked Mr.

Easthupp. "I came here to have satisfaction from Mr. Easy, and not to be

fired at by Mr. Biggs."

"So you would have a shot without receiving one?" cried Gascoigne. "The

fact is that this fellow's a confounded coward."

At this affront, Mr. Easthupp rallied, and accepted the pistol offered

by the gunner.

"You 'ear those words, Mr. Biggs? Pretty language to use to a gentleman!

I purtest no longer, Mr. Tallboys. Death before dishonour--I'm a

gentleman!"

The gunner gave the word as if he were exercising the great guns on

board ship.

"Cock your locks! Take good aim at the object! Fire!"

Mr. Easthupp clapped his hand to his trousers, gave a loud yell, and

then dropped down, having presented his broadside as a target to the

boatswain. Jack's shot had also taken effect, having passed through both

the boatswain's cheeks, without further mischief than extracting two of

his best upper double teeth, and forcing through the hole of the farther

cheek the boatswain's own quid of tobacco. As for Mr. Easthupp's ball,

as he was very unsettled and shut his eyes before he fired, it had gone

heaven knows where.

The purser's steward lay on the ground and screamed; the boatswain threw

down his pistol in a rage. The former was then walked off to the

hospital, attended by the gunner, and also the boatswain, who thought he

might as well have a little medical advice before going on board.

"Well, Easy," said Gascoigne, collecting the pistols and tying them up

in his handkerchief, "I'll be shot, but we're in a pretty scrape;

there's no hushing this up. I'll be hanged if I care; it's the best

piece of fun I ever met with."

"I'm afraid that our leave will be stopped for the future," replied

Jack.

"Confound it, and they say that the ship is to be here six weeks at

least. I won't go on board. Look ye, Jack, we'll pretend to be so much

alarmed at the result of this duel, that we dare not show ourselves lest

we should be hung. I will write a note and tell all the particulars to

the master's mate, and refer to the gunner for the truth of it, and beg

him to intercede with the captain and first lieutenant. I know that

although we should be punished, they will only laugh; but I will pretend

that Easthupp is killed, and we are frightened out of our lives. That

will be it; and then let's get on board one of the fruit boats, sail in

the night for Palermo, and then we'll have a cruise for a fortnight, and

when the money is all gone we'll come back."

"That's a capital idea, Ned, and the sooner we do it the better."

They were two very nice lads.

_IV.--Jack Leaves the Service_

At the end of four years at sea, Jack had been cured of his philosophy

of equality. The death of his mother, and a letter from the old family

doctor that his father was not in his senses, decided him to return

home.

"It is fortunate for you that the estate is entailed," wrote Dr.

Middleton, "or you might soon be a beggar, for there is no saying what

debts your father might, in his madness, be guilty of. He has turned

away his keepers, and allowed poachers to go all over the manor. I

consider that it is absolutely necessary that you should immediately

return home and look after what will one day be your property. You have

no occasion to follow the profession with your income of £8,000 per

annum. You have distinguished yourself, now make room for those who

require it for their subsistence."

Captain Wilson approved of the decision, and Jack left the service. At

his request, his devoted admirer Mesty--an abbreviation of

Mephistopheles--an African, once a prince in Ashantee and now the cook

of the midshipmen's mess, was allowed to leave the service and accompany

our hero to England as his servant.

From the first utterances of Jack on the subject of liberty and

equality, he had won Mesty's heart, and in a hundred ways the black had

proved his fidelity and attachment. His delight at going home with his

patron was indescribable.

Jack had not written to his father to announce his arrival, and when he

reached home he found things worse than he expected.

His father was at the mercy of his servants, who, insolent and

insubordinate, robbed, laughed at, and neglected him. The waste and

expense were enormous. Our hero, who found how matters stood, soon

resolved what to do.

He rose early; Mesty was in the room, with warm water, as soon as he

rang.

"By de power, Massa Easy, your fader very silly old man!"

"I'm afraid so," replied Jack. "How are they getting on in the servants'

hall?"

"Regular mutiny, sar--ab swear dat dey no stand our nonsense, and dat we

both leave the house to-morrow."

Jack went to his father.

"Do you hear, sir, your servants declare that I shall leave your house

to-morrow."

"You leave my house, Jack, after four years' absence! No, no, I'll

reason with them--I'll make them a speech. You don't know how I can

speak, Jack."

"Look you, father, I cannot stand this. Either give me _carte blanche_

to arrange this household as I please, or I shall quit it myself

to-morrow morning."

"Quit my house, Jack! No, no--shake hands and make friends with them; be

civil, and they will serve you."

"Do you consent, sir, or am I to leave the house?"

"Leave the house! Oh, no; not leave the house, Jack. I have no son but

you. Then do as you please--but you will not send away my butler--he

escaped hanging last assizes on an undoubted charge of murder? I

selected him on purpose, and must have him cured, and shown as a proof

of a wonderful machine I have invented."

"Mesty," said Jack, "get my pistols ready for to-morrow morning, and

your own too--do you hear? It is possible, father, that you may not have

yet quite cured your murderer, and therefore it is as well to be

prepared."

Mr. Easy did not long survive his son's return, and under Jack's

management, in which Mesty rendered invaluable assistance, the household

was reformed, and the estate once more conducted on reasonable lines.

A year later Jack was married, and Mesty, as major domo, held his post

with dignity, and proved himself trustworthy.

* * * * *