(_For the Mirror_.)
Returning (said my friend Mrs. S.) once upon a time, some fifty miles from
a country visit, a few difficulties regarding my conveyance to town were
at length decided by my taking a seat in the ---- Telegraph. A
respectable-looking, middle-aged woman, in widow's mourning, was, I found,
to be my companion for the whole way, whose urbanity and loquacity,
combined, soon afforded me the important information that she was
travelling over England, in order to take the advice of several of the
faculty touching the case of "a poor cripple--a _gentleman_--a relation of
hers." A _gentleman_! But scarcely had I taken another survey of the
honest dame, in order to assure myself that she at least was not a member
of the aristocracy of Great Britain, and thereby to instruct my judgment
as to the actual rank of him whom she designated by so proud a title, when
I was favoured with a long history of "the _lady_ who lost her shawl,
which _I_ found--and she has _visited_ me ever since." A _lady_!--and a
lady, good, agreeable, and condescending, no doubt; but--the query
occurred to my mind involuntarily--what kind of _lady_ must she be who
would "come oft'n to take a cup o' tea, or a sup o' sommat better, wi' me,
in my poor little place?"
I confess, this voluntary information, not less than the tone and language
in which it was delivered, prejudiced me so little in favour of my
companion, that I took up pencil and paper, and was shortly wrapped in the
most agreeable reverie. Briefly, I was in the exquisite _Land of Faerie_:
I beheld the beautiful little people; their tiny feet twinkled in the
dance; their small arms waved lightly and gently; and their perfect forms
were miniature models of all loveliness and grace;--the rosy blush of
affection tinted the delicate cheeks of the fair; their eyes gleamed, like
the minute gems which cluster around the ice-plant;--and lo! a pair, as
far different from these as is darkness from light, now peered into my
face, and a voice, very unlike the blissful tones of the gay music of
Faëry Land, exclaimed,
"Um 'fear'd you ar'n't well, mum, hey?"
"Thank you, I am perfectly well."
"Are you indeed? why you set up your eyes, and looked as pale and _peekin_
like, as if you'd seen a _sperrit_."
"Did I? perhaps I was thinking; and naturally I am very pale."
"Oh well--um glad 'tis no _wuss_; but setting there as you do, with your
back to the _osses_, 'tis the most foolishest thing in the _wuld_, for a
sickly-like-looking cretur, as I may say yourself, to think on--_du_ come
o' this side."
I declined the good woman's proposition, alleging that riding backwards I
always found the best preventive of illness from the motion of the vehicle.
"Now really," I exclaimed she, almost aghast with astonishment, "that is
curous! But um fear'd you're faint, though you won't tell me so. Here,"
handing to me a large basket, well stored, I perceived, with provender,
"take a _happle_, or a bun, or a sand_wage_, or a bit o' gingerbread--and
a fine thing too it is for the stomach--or a pear, or a puff, or a
_chiscake_;--_I_ always take a cup of chocolate, and a slice of rich
plum-cake, every morning after breakfast: 'tis peticklar wholesome, a
_gentleman_ of my acquaintance says; and this I know, I should be dead in
no time if I didn't--so _du_ take something."
I could not be so ill-natured as to reject all the offers made me by this
benevolent, but uncouth _gentlewoman_, so accepted a sandwich, and thereby
giving her, as it were, a signal to commence operations. To work she
applied herself upon the contents of her wicker store-room, with such
hearty good-will, that I imagined myself secured from her volubility for
at least one hour. Alas! alas! her tongue and her teeth were, I verily
believe, running a race; and when the good dame discovered that to her
queries and remarks I deigned not a reply, she "just was _so_ glad there
was somebody in the coach to talk to, for 'twas the most _moanfullest_
thing in the wuld to go journeying on and on, for long, long miles,
without ever 'earing a body speak." I would not appear to understand my
persevering friend's insinuation, and was quickly lost in the charming
description of wild, woodland scenery, afforded by one of Sir Walter's
novels: here a slight bridge hung, as in air, between gigantic rocks, and
over a foaming cataract; there, a light column of bluish, curling smoke
told of the shepherd's shieling, situated, bosomed in trees, amid some
solitary pass of the mountains; here, the dark, melancholy pine reared its
mournful head, companioned by the sable fir, the larch, the service-tree,
and the wild cherry; there, the silvery willow laved its drooping branches
in the stormy flood; whilst, with the white foam of the joyous exulting
waters, all trees of beauty, majesty, and grace, rising from a
richly-verdant turfing, formed a delightful contrast. I heard the cry of
the soaring eaglet, as he rose from his eyry in the rock; wild, but
pleasant music was in the cool, strong wind, which flowed now roughly
around, and lashed me, like the sweeping sea-wave.
"Hey? Um 'fear'd you're a trifle ard of 'earing, arn't you? Why then put a
roasted _ingin_ when you go to bed into your _earn_, and I'll warrant
'twill cure you if you do 't _reglar_."
"O dear, no ma'am," I replied; "indeed I'm not _deaf_," with a peculiar
emphasis on this last word.
"_No_? Well, I do declare then, I've been haxing you to admire this fine
country for _this_ ten minutes;--only look! 'tis a vast deal more bootiful
than the road I travelled t'other day!"
So, to please the honest woman, I looked at her "fine country," and beheld
on my side the road (for we were sitting at cross corners) a stunted
hedge-row, inclosing a field or two of stubble; and on hers, a sear,
dismal heath, whereupon were marshalled, in irregular array, a few
miserable, brown furze bushes; amongst which, a meagre, shaggy ass, more
miserable still, with his hind legs logged and chained, was endeavouring
to pick up a scanty subsistence. What the road of the other day could have
been, it surpassed even my capacity, with this specimen of "the bootiful"
before me, to surmise; but my companion was evidently one of those
enviable individuals, whose ignorance is indeed their happiness, or whose
imagination supplies the deficiencies of bare reality.
Shortly afterwards we took up another passenger--a "_lady_" also--whose
figure was youthful, and whose face, perhaps, was not otherwise; but as
she was weeping bitterly, her features were concealed by a white cambric
_mouchoir_ from my curious gaze. Poor creature! Had she parted from a
lover?--a parent?--a child? Was she a reduced lady, quitting, for the
first time and the last, her paternal home, to seek, by the exertion of
her talents, or the labour of her hands, a precarious subsistence in the
cold, wide world? Had she hurried from the bed of death? or, did she
merely indulge in the soft sentimental sorrow, induced by Colburn's, or
Longman's, or Newman's last novel? Alas! the fair mourner informed us not.
I felt delicate on the point of intruding upon private sorrows, and so, I
presume, did my loquacious friend for she was actually _silent_;--albeit,
I perceived that the good woman was embarrassed as to the line of conduct
she ought to adopt towards the afflicted stranger. To make acquaintance
with, and comfort her, was the prompting of her benevolent heart; so she
put a blue glass bottle of smelling-salts into the mournful lady's hand,
which was immediately returned with a dignified, repellant bow. The basket
of provisions was next offered; but this the weeping fair one, it was
clear, did not _see_; and my honest widow, not a little disconcerted, made
yet another attempt to console one who evidently "_would_ not be
comforted," by a full, particular, and authentic relation of certain woful
passages in her own monotonous life. All, however, would not do--Niobe
still wept; and the widow and I felt ourselves in a very awkward,
uncomfortable situation.
After awhile, however, we took up another passenger--a "_lady_" again--and,
Heaven bless the woman! one even more voluble than my first companion, and
decidedly more candid, since she had not been seated five minutes in the
vehicle, ere she unblushingly announced herself--a _baker's wife_! Good
Heavens! and in these march-of-intellect and refinement days, too! Well
might Niobe wake with a start from her trance of woe, and, glancing
sovereign contempt upon the new, unconscious passenger, discover to me a
countenance as plain, withered, and fraught with the impress of evil
passions, as that of the _Lady in the Sacque_, in Sir Walter's tale of the
Tapestried Chamber. I never beheld so fretful and malignant-looking a
being!--and the contrast which her visage afforded to that of my
kind-hearted widow, which beamed with satisfaction and good-humour, was
quite remarkable. This "lady," indeed, now appeared to have regained her
native element, and not to be out-done in frankness by Mistress Baker,
first avowed herself the widow of a chandler, but lately retired from
business; and subsequently I gathered from her discourse that the
_gentleman_ her relation was, until his infirmity deprived him of the
situation--_groom_, in a REAL gentleman's family (the distinction I
particularly admired); and that the _lady_, her condescending friend, was
a grocer's daughter! Niobe, at this precise point of the conversation,
bestowed a ghastly grin upon the new allies, and producing from her
reticule a well-soiled and much be-thumbed volume (whether of plays, or a
novel, I could not discern), commenced perusing it with an avidity
apparently unchecked by its disgusting odour, the which powerfully
assailed me. I, too, was allowed by my loquacious widow, now that she had
fallen in with a bird of her own feather, to read in peace for the space
of some three or four miles; but at length my attention was aroused from
my book by the loud voice of Mrs. Baker, who was promulgating to Dame
Chandler the mysterious manner in which she fattened her dogs, by giving
them, twice or thrice a day, a quartern loaf, crumbed, and sopped in
melted fat, or dripping, which saved meat, since the animals liked that
food far better. But at this instant the Telegraph stopped; and the
coachman demanding his fare, since she had reached the place at which she
had desired to be set down, a violent altercation ensued between them
respecting sixpence; and finally the _lady_ just stepped out of the
vehicle in time to save herself from the indignity of being pulled from it
by its infuriated driver.
"A fine _sturren_ (stirring), business-like woman!" exclaimed the widow,
as we again proceeded; "likelies to turn a penny whiles other folks lay a
bed snoring; but mortal wasteful um sure, for one that talks about saving!
Meat indeed she may save; but lauk now, only _consate_ the _grase_ she
gives 'em confounded brutes, and the _taller trade_ so low!"
"And only think," added I, "of the numbers of poor creatures who are
starving, whilst she bestows quartern loaves of fine white bread upon her
dogs!"
"An' has for saving _meat_," cried Niobe (then did she speak for the first
time), "sure am I, my fath--that's to say, the butchers, wouldn't thank
her for her pains."
Here was a discovery! but a greater was at hand; for when the Telegraph
arrived at its destination--the White Horse, Fetter-lane--a livery-servant
met this sentimental, and inordinately proud, and ill-humoured _lady_; and
after delivering a message from her "_new misses_," called a hackney-coach
to convey her to her "new place."
My honest widow hurried to the bar, in order to obtain some _stomachic_
which should enable her to endure the further fatigue of reaching her own
abode; and Mr. S. (a _real_ gentleman I hope) meeting me, I amused him
uncommonly with this description of my fellow-travellers, as we returned
to our happy home in ---- Square.--M.L.B.
* * * * *