rarely misapply uncommon words, even where they do not understand
them--being their own interpreters. A boy of nearly fourteen, was
fishing for trout in a deep, clear brook. A stout, lubberly negro began
teasing him, and throwing mud at him. The boy jumped up, and swinging
the fish-pole round his head with all his might, fetched the colored
gemman such a wipe with the butt, as to send him headlong into the
water--where he left him floundering--and cleared out. When he reached
home, on being called upon by his mother for an explanation of his
uncomfortable appearance, he told her how it had happened. The mother
was indignant: to have her boy so treated by a nigger was too much. "And
did you brook the outrage?" she asked. "No mother," said the boy,
catching the idea, though he did not quite understand the word, "no
mother, _but I brooked the nigger_."
No. 246. _A puzzling Question._--A minister of the Gospel, while
preparing a discourse for the following Sabbath, stopped now and then to
review what he had written, to alter and erase here and there. "Father,"
said a young theologian of about five, just entering upon the ministry,
"father, does God tell you what to preach?" "Certainly, my child." "Then
what makes you scratch it out?"
No. 247. _Let Brotherly Love prevail._--Another of like spirit, under
five, in his regular evening prayer, remembered his younger brother with
a sob, who was in a very bad way, after the following fashion: "Oh Lord,
don't let my little brother die. Help Dr. S., oh Lord, to make him
well--though his parents _are_ Democrats."
No. 248. _Baby Champions._--In the "Life of Aaron Burr," by Davis, we
have a little incident--the first--which that bad man delighted to
recall. An old he-goat, or a ram, I forget which, came at his little
grandson, while yet a baby, and threatened him with his horns. The
child, having the blood of his grandfather in him, seized a stick, and
let him have it with such effect, that the animal sheered off, greatly
to the satisfaction of "grumpa," who saw it from the window. And here is
another case _in pint_. A little four-year-old of Mr. Cheney, living in
Ashland, N. H., was playing on the front yard with a younger sister and
a pet bantam. A large hawk suddenly swooped down upon the poor thing,
fastened his talons upon it, and would have carried it off but for the
child, who, seizing a hatchet he had been playing with, fell upon the
hawk, and pounded him till he let go his prey, and "skedaddled."
No. 249. _Budding Nature._--Matthews used to tell a story about a little
boy, who, on seeing the cherubim sculptured in Westminster-Abbey,
exclaimed, "O mamma, how I do wish I was a cherubim!" to the great joy
of his mother, who had to spank him oftener than he thought desirable;
but, on being asked wherefore, he said--almost sobbing--"'Cause they
ain't got nothin' but wings and head," rubbing his--behind--at the same
time, with uncommon energy.
"Ah," said another little chap to a playfellow who had just been sorely
trounced, "Ah, ha! I guess you hain't got any gran'-mother!"
And again. "Mamma," said another little tantrybogus, "why are them
orphans you talk so much about, and pity so much, the happiest little
creatures in the world, arter all?" "They are not, my son; but why do
you ask?" "'Cause they hain't got nobody to wallop 'em."
No. 250. _A definition of Pride._--"What is _pride_, my dear?" "Walking
with a cane, when you ain't lame," said the little four-year-old to whom
the query was propounded.
No. 251. _Liberty of Speech._--"Chickerin', is meetin' out?" said a
little fellow, perched upon a high fence, many years ago, to Dr.
Chickering, on his way from church.
No. 252. The same little rogue, who, by the way, has gone bravely up
since, leaving his own monument behind him--as most people do, I
believe--was crowing pretty loudly one day, when I was going by. "Holloa
there!" said I, "Holloa! I can lick you, Sam Fessenden!"
"Well--I'll tell you what you can't do!" said he.
"What is it?"
"You can't give me a rockin'-horse."
No. 253. _Admirable Definition._--At one of the ragged schools of
Ireland, a clergyman asked, "What is holiness?"
A dirty, ragged little wretch jumped up, and sung out, "Plase your
riverence, it's bein clane inside."
No. 254. _Another._--A boy, eight years old, having been told that a
reptile is an animal that creeps, and being asked on examination-day to
name one, answered, without winking, "_A baby_."
No. 255. _A Young Butcher._--A boy in New York, only five years old,
having heard papa say that he wished the two calves they had in the barn
were killed, got a hammer, and going to the barn by himself, succeeded
in killing them both; and returned to the house to tell the story--to
report progress and ask leave to sit again, as we say at Washington,
after a similar feat.
No. 256. _Flat Contradiction._--"What's that?" said a school-master,
pointing to the letter X. "It's daddy's name," said the boy. "No, you
little blockhead, it's X." "Tain't X, neither," said the boy; "it's
daddy's name, for I seed him write it many a time."
No. 257. _A delicate Scruple._--"Oh, mamma!" said a little chap, the
other day, who had been listening to her conversation with a neighboring
gossip; "did you say I was born a-Sunday?"
"Yes, my child."
"Ain't I wicked, mamma?"
"Why, what makes you ask such a question, Bobby?"
"Well, ain't I a sabbath-breaker, for bein' born a-Sunday? But, mamma, I
didn't mean to--I'm sure I didn't."
No. 258. _A desirable Parentage._--A crowd of dirty, ragged little
creatures were loitering about the large show-window of a
confectionery-shop. "O my! don't I wish he was my father!" said a little
barefooted girl, with her fist in her mouth. Was her sincerity to be
doubted?
No. 259. _Not to be mealy-mouthed._--"I dare say when you get back to
mamma, Charlie, my boy, she'll have a nice present for you. What would
you like best, Charlie? a little brother, or a little sister?" "Well
now, Uncle George," after considering awhile, "if it makes no
difference to Ma, I'd rather have a pony."
No. 260. _High-school Training._--"I say, Ma! do you know what the
pyro--pyro--pyrotechnical remedy is, for a crying baby?" said a little
miss of thirteen, with cherry lips and roguish eyes.
"Gracious goodness me! no; I never heard of such a thing."
"Well, ma--it's _rock-it_!"
No. 261. _School Exercises._--"Well, Maggie, what do they do at school?"
"They whips me." "And then what do you do?" "I tingle, skeam, and
dance." Another group of three were questioned. The oldest said, "He had
to get grammar, arithmetic, geography," etc., etc. The second, that he
"got readin', spellin', and _diffinitions_." "And what do you get my
little man?"--to Master Jack, who happened just then to be spearing the
cat with a wooden sword. "Oh, I gets lots--I gets readin', and
spellin', and spankin'; and then I gets up in the mornin'--sometimes."
No. 262. _Childish Inferences._--"Come now, children, speak up! What is
it that makes the sea, salt?" "Codfish!" screamed a boy from a distant
corner of the room; "Codfish!" as if he were crying the article to a
Down-East population, Saturday morning.
No. 263. _Great Forbearance._--"O, Ma," said a little creature, who had
been allowed to stay at communion for the first time, "what do you
think! a man went round with a plateful of money, and offered it to
everybody in our pew; but I didn't take any."
No. 264. _A gentle rebuke for the Earl of ----_, a pompous and niggardly
gentleman, who personally superintends the dairy where he lives, and
actually sells the milk to the children with his own hands.
One morning, a pretty child, standing a-tip-toe, with her pitcher and
penny held up, caught the eyes of this nobleman. "Now," said he, "my
pretty lass--_now_," patting her on the head, and giving her a
kiss--"_now_, you may tell, as long as you live, that you have been
kissed by an Earl."
"O yes--but you took the penny, though," said the little witch,
innocently enough, I dare say. But what became of the Earl? Nobody
knows. It was a long while ago.
No. 265. _Where do all the Cooks go?_--A capital housekeeper having
discharged her cook with emphasis, exclaimed, "Well, thank heaven! there
are no cooks in the other world." Which other world did she mean, think
you? Her little girl seemed puzzled; but, after thinking awhile, said,
"Well, mamma, then who cooks wash-days? for you know they must have a
big wash, as they always wear white."
No. 266. _More Sabbath-school Exercises._--"Where was John Rogers
burned?--tell me now," said a teacher, in a voice that filled the room,
and startled the listeners at the door. "Couldn't tell," said the first.
No answer from the next. "Joshua knows," whispered a little thing at the
head of her class. "Well, then, if Joshua knows, he may tell," said the
teacher. "In the fire," shouted Joshua, with a look of imperturbable
self-complacency.
No. 267. _Just as the twig is bent, etc., etc._--A little shaver, living
in Walcott, Maine, aged only five years, having well considered the
subject of earning his bread, went to a farmer and offered his services.
He was put to raking hay, and persevered as long as the rest, and went
home to his happy mother in the evening, with a silver dollar in his
pocket. And where did he get it? some lazy little Jackanapes will ask, I
dare say. Go to your mother, child.
No. 268. _Them's my Sentiments._--A six-year-old boy was set to work
upon what is called a "composition," all about water. He wrote as
follows: "Water is good to drink. Water is good to paddle in and swim
in, and to skate on when it grows hard in winter. When I was a little
wee baby, nurse used to wash me every morning in cold water--_ugh_! I
have heard tell the Injuns only wash themselves once in ten years. I
wish I was an Injun."
No. 269. _Arithmetic made easy._--"Peter--I say, Peter! what are you
doing with that boy?" "Helping him in 'rethmetic, sir." "How helping
him?" "He wanted to know if I took ten from seventeen, how many would be
left; and so I took ten of his apples to show him, an' now he wants 'em
back."
"And why don't you give 'em back, hey?"
"'Cause I want him to remember how many was left."
No. 270. _Scripture and Poetry._--While a poor mother was moaning over
her wretchedness and helplessness, fearing that she would have to go to
the workhouse, her little boy looked up from his pile of blocks in the
chimney-corner, and murmured, "Mamma, I think God hears, when we scrape
the bottom of the barrel."
No. 271. _A glorious Boy._--The playmates of a small boy were trying to
persuade him to take a handful or two of cool, ripe cherries, from a
tree overhanging the stone-wall, where they were sitting together in the
hot sunshine.
"What are you afeard of?" said the largest, "for if your father should
find it out, he is so kind, he wouldn't punish you."
"That's the very reason why I wouldn't touch 'em," said the dear little
fellow, in reply.
No. 272. _Physics and Metaphysics._--An amiable professor, in France,
was laboring to explain that theory, according to which the body is
entirely renewed every six years, giving for illustration the experiment
made with a pig, by feeding it on madder till its bones were colored
through and through, and other cases. "And so, mam'selle," said he,
addressing a pretty little blonde with a roguish face, "in six years you
will be no longer Mademoiselle F----."
"I hope so," murmured Mam'selle F., casting down her eyes, and peering
up at him through her long lashes. Evidently she had somewhat
misunderstood her teacher.
No. 273. _Too good to be true._--A little boy having broken his
rocking-horse the very day it was brought home, his mother began
scolding him. "Why, mamma," said he, with a mischievous giggle, as if he
understood the joke, and _meant_ it, "What's the use of a horse afore
he's _broke_?"
No. 274. _True, beyond all question._--Said somebody to a little moppet,
as she sat on the door-step playing with her kitten and her doll, "Which
do you love best, darling, your kitten or your doll?"
After looking serious for a minute or two, she leaned over and
whispered, "I love Kitty best, but please don't tell Dolly."
No. 275. _A slight Misapprehension._--Three little negroes were lately
baptized by our friend, Mr. C., of the new Protestant Cathedral. After
the ceremony was over, one of them whispered to its mother, "You don't
mind it, mamma, do you, 'cause he baptized us in his night-gown?"
No. 276. _A Natural Curiosity._--A dear little six-year-old was going by
a church with her father. "What house is that?" asked the child. "That
is the Dutch Church," said papa; "people go there to be good, so that,
after a while, they may be angels." "Hi! then there'll be Dutch angels,
papa!"
No. 277. _Much to the Point._--A sabbath-school teacher had been reading
to her class the beautiful story of Ruth--with a running accompaniment.
Wishing to call their attention to the kindness of the princely
husbandman, in ordering the reapers to drop here and there a handful of
wheat, she said, "Now, children, Boaz did another nice thing for poor
Ruth: can you tell me what it was?" "To be sure I can," said a little
fellow, a long way off;--"_he married her_."
No. 278. _A new Currency._--Our Sallie, a pleasant, active, sprightly
little thing, just old enough to make herself understood, partly by
pantomime and partly by lisping, came in all of a glow, saying,--
"O mamma! mamma! Me jess buyed a itte paper-doll."
"Indeed! and where did you buy it?"
"O, jess down here, in a defful big store; me toot a ittle dirl in me's
hand."
"And where did you get your money to pay for it?"
"O, me didn't buy it for money, mamma--me jess gived the gemman a fower
to pay for it."
And sure enough! Upon further inquiry, it turned out that the little
midget had entered a large store, made her way into the back part--one
of the largest establishments in Brooklyn, by the way--and seeing some
paper-dolls in hand, wanted to buy one; but having no money, offered a
flower she had just gathered on the way, which the shopman received with
all seriousness, regarding it as a lawful tender.
No. 279. _A new handle for Pussy._--Little three-year-old Mary was
playing roughly with her pet kitten. After pulling its ears, she began
carrying it by the tail. "Baby, dear," said her mother, "you hurt
pussy." "No I don't, mamma--'cause I'm carryin' it by the handle."
No. 280. _A new Puzzle._--A pretty little thing under five, on being
questioned by her mother about her Bible lesson, was asked, among other
matters, why the Lord wouldn't let Adam and his wife eat of the
forbidden fruit; and answered, that she "didn't know for certain, but
rather thought, maybe He wanted to can it for his own use."
No. 281. _More Logic._--In our Putnam for October, there are two
charming little manifestations of boyish character and boyish reasoning.
A chap of only five, soon after the fire at Barnum's Museum, which he
had investigated, was very anxious to know if there really were any such
creatures as devils, "with horns, hoofs, bats'-wings and eagles'
claws"--he had just been looking at an illustrated Pilgrim's Progress.
Mamma tried to put him off, but in vain. At last, he broke out with,
"Well--I don't believe there is any, for Barnum would be sure to have
one." And then, after another glance at the illustration, he added, "How
funny he _would_ look in a cage, with his horns and tail!"
The same little fellow hid his face in his mother's lap one day, while
it thundered. To soothe him, his mother explained the phenomena of
thunder and lightning. A lull followed, and he ran off to play in a
distant corner of the room. Then followed another burst, louder than
usual. Back he ran to his mother, exclaiming, "I don't see what fun 'tis
for God to go thunderin' round so!" Of course not.
No. 282. _Natural History._--According to Peter Pindar, Sir Joseph
Banks' fleas were lobsters till he boiled them, when "d--d a one turned
red;" whereat he exclaimed, according to the same authority, who, in his
own mortal extremity, if Byron may be credited,--
----"Supprest
With a death-bed sensation a blasphemous jest,"
"Fleas are _not_ lobsters--d--n their souls!"
But another question has lately come up. A little girl, of the Buffalo
tribe, wants to know if fleas are _white_; "cauth untle teld her that
Mary had a little lamb with _fleas_ as white as snow."
_Another._--A charity scholar--perhaps one of the Ragged School--on
being asked, after an examination in the Psalms, "What was the
Pestilence that walketh in darkness?" answered,--"Bed bugth, thir!"--Not
so much out of the way, after all; since fleas only _hop_ in darkness.
No. 283. _Cross-examination._--Says a neighbor, "Wife was undressing a
little four-year-old--Charley--the other evening. After he was set free,
he began to feel of his fat, chubby arms, with manifest
self-complacency; and looking up into his mother's face, he said,
'Mamma, who made me?'"
"'The Good Man away up in the sky,'" said mamma.
"Whereupon Charley grew thoughtful, and after looking up through the
tree-tops into the clear blue starlit sky for a few minutes, added,
'But, mamma, who took me down?'"
No. 284. _A Broad Hint._--There was an aged country clergyman, who found
so little time for study, that when fairly at work, he wouldn't allow
his grandchildren to romp in the passage, or play hide-and-seek, or
leap-frog in the study--the monster!
"Ma," said one of these little fellows, who had been snubbed for
riotous behavior one day, "I say, Ma,"--she had just been telling
him about heaven--"I say, Ma, I don't want to go to heaven." "Don't
want to go to heaven, Georgie!" "No, Ma, I'm sure I don't." "And why
not?" "Why, gran'pa will be there, won't he?" "Why yes--I hope so."
"Well--jest as soon as he sees us, he'll come scoldin' along, and
say,--'Whew--whew--whew! What are these boys here for?'"
No. 285. _Patronage._--"I say, dad--have you been to the Museum yet?"
said a young American of ten. "No, my son." "Well, jest you go, and
mention my name to the door-keeper, an' he'll take you round and show
you everything."
No. 286. _Childish Cunning._--"A child who is good at excuses is seldom
good for anything else," quoth Franklin. A naughty little chap, says a
contemporary, went blubbering into the back-yard, because his mother
wouldn't allow him to go down to the river on the Sabbath. On being
further remonstrated with, he said, "But, mamma, I didn't want to go in
a-swimmin' with 'em; I only wanted to go down an' see the bad little
boys drown, for goin' in a-swimmin' on a Sunday--boo-hoo, boo-hoo!"
No. 287. _Childish Trust._--The following illustration of the passage,
"Whosoever shall not receive the Kingdom of God as a little child, he
shall not enter therein," will, I am sure, be thankfully received.
As the train stopped, a gentleman who had been seriously engaged in
conversation with another, who had a little boy with him, said to the
child, after bidding the father farewell--"Good-by, Charley; take care
of yourself."
"My father will take care of me," said the boy, with a look of
unquestioning trust.
No. 288. _What shall we pray for?_--A child of seven had been packed to
bed quite early for something rather serious. At the usual hour of
bed-time, her mother sat down by the bed-side to read prayers for the
day. "Mamma," said the little one, "please read the prayer for persons
in affliction."
No. 289. _A Poser._--"Well then--who took care of the babies?" asked a
little girl, on hearing her mother say that all people were once
children.
No. 290. _Another Poser._--Aunt Bessie had been laboring with Master
Jack, to persuade him to go to bed at set of sun; urging for his
consideration that the dear little chickens always went to roost at that
time. "Yes, auntie--I know that--but then the old hen always goes with
'em!"
No. 291. _A reasonable Being._--"Halloa, mamma! halloa there!" shouted
the angel of the household, from the top of the garret stairs, "I'm mad
as fire--and Hannah won't pacify me."
No. 292. _Mind your Pronunciation._--A gentlewoman of Belfast, Ireland,
was questioning a child in a charity school, about what the wife of a
king, and the wife of an emperor were called; and then she added for
their encouragement, "And now what is the wife of a duke called?"--"A
drake! a drake!" shouted half a dozen little voices.
No. 293. _Foresight, Sagacity, and Thrift._--Little Master Jemmy began
to save the change that fell in his way at a very early age, in the hope
of being a rich man, like Messrs A., B., and C., who rode in their
carriages, or "swung on the gate" all day long, with "a _little more_
fat pork," after their wishes had been granted for "as _much fat pork as
they could eat_."
One morning, at breakfast, when he was about gobbling the last
mouthful, his aunt informed him, that during the night a pair of babies
had been added to the family, already consisting of three beside Jemmy.
The boy dropped his knife and fork, and sung out,--"Good gracious, Aunt
Mary! if father and mother keep on at this rate, there won't be fifty
dollars a-piece for us!"
* * * * *
CONTENTS OF PICKINGS AND STEALINGS.
[Transcriber Note: The following are note numbers, not page numbers]
Children's notions of theology, 1, 2, 13, 14, 22, 48, 70, 72, 132, 134,
166, 168, 178, 265, 283.
Children's notions of the Bible, 2, 39, 41, 148, 149, 163, 174, 228.
Children's notions of heaven, 4, 19, 88, 101, 119, 145, 215, 224, 230,
238, 239, 265, 284.
Lessons for teachers, 2, 4, 5, 31, 43, 47, 66.
Children's notions of praying, 6, 11, 37, 42, 98, 118, 155, 161, 163,
166, 187, 254, 288.
Their notions of language, 7, 10, 15, 21, 120, 121, 153, 194, 251.
Their honesty, 2, 8, 12, 17, 78, 115, 119, 122, 125, 137, 195, 243, 257,
271, 274.
Their ideas of another world, 25, 30, 38, 127, 144, 193, 242, 270.
Their instincts, 16, 18, 27, 28, 31, 44, 69, 76, 80, 90, 108, 118, 141,
144, 167, 181, 263.
Their philosophy, 21, 163, 165, 183, 203.
Their politics, 23, 214, 254.
Their Sunday-school exercises, 22, 26, 31, 43, 47, 66, 142, 156, 164,
165, 187, 195, 205, 241, 266, 277, 280, 282.
Their imitation, 28, 85, 105, 146, 176, 181, 192, 204, 212, 219, 222,
232, 240.
Their selfishness, 29, 40, 79, 87, 116, 150, 151, 243, 267.
Their quibbles, 33, 67, 80, 231, 245, 286.
Their misapprehension of words, 2, 35, 112, 120, 121, 160, 223, 252,
264, 276, 282.
Their puzzling questions, 24, 72, 160, 178, 253, 268.
Their cunning, 33, 45, 46, 51, 73, 79, 82, 92, 106, 224, 228, 130, 134,
139, 158, 163, 169, 172, 202, 206, 259, 260, 273, 279, 286.
Their unselfishness, 49, 50.
Their foresight, 52, 90, 102, 188, 208.
Their self-complacency, 54, 71, 77.
Their metaphysics, 1, 72, 74, 96, 162, 170, 261.
Their explanations, 84, 95, 123, 130, 156, 183, 196, 246, 262, 282.
Their adroitness, 85, 89, 99, 103, 105, 122, 124, 125, 147, 152.
Their speculations, 90, 100, 109, 140, 180, 210, 275.
Their business qualities, 91.
Their naturalness, 93, 110, 114, 180, 181, 189, 201, 218, 220, 263, 272,
274, 291.
Their faith, 98, 177, 287.
Their influence, 115, 285.
Their misapplication of words, 1, 48, 148, 162, 225.
Retribution, 128.
Example, 129, 267, 268.
A great mystery, 133, 217.
An etymologist, 136.
Their literalness, 134, 229, 235, 256, 268, 269, 277, 278, 279.
Their definitions, 156, 184, 257, 261, 262.
Their protestantism, 189, 190.
Their smartness, 197. _See_ Cunning, 201, 240, 250, 264, 269, 289.
Their constructiveness, 198.
Yankee notions, 1, 199.
Their pluckiness, 216, 237, 247, 255.
Total depravity, 227.
Where mother is, 230, 287.
Their poetry, 230, 234, 270.
Liberty of Speech, 259, 260.
End of Project Gutenberg's Great Mysteries and Little Plagues, by John Neal