company with him?" they asked again.
All she would answer was, "It's a power."
All the time, of course, the gold buckskin whincher on the little
chain around her neck was working. It was saying, "If she meets a man
with three X's in his name she must fall head over heels in love with
him."
At a band concert in the public square one night she met James
Sixbixdix. There was no helping it. She dropped her eyes and threw her
smiles at him. And for six weeks they kept steady company going to
band concerts, dances, hayrack rides, picnics and high jinks together.
"Why do you keep steady company with him? He's a musical soup eater,"
her relatives said to her. And she answered, "It's a power--I can't
help myself."
Leaning down with her head in a rain water cistern one day, listening
to the echoes against the strange wooden walls of the cistern, the
gold buckskin whincher on the little chain around her neck slipped off
and fell down into the rain water.
"My luck is gone," said Blixie. Then she went into the house and made
two telephone calls. One was to James Sixbixdix telling him she
couldn't keep the date with him that night. The other was to Jimmy the
Flea, the climber, the steeplejack.
"Come on over--I got the blues and I want you to whistle 'em away,"
was what she telephoned Jimmy the Flea.
And so--if you ever come across a gold buckskin whincher, be careful.
It's got a power. It'll make you fall head over heels in love with the
next man you meet with an X in his name. Or it will do other strange
things because different whinchers have different powers.
[Illustration]
The Story of Jason Squiff and Why He
Had a Popcorn Hat, Popcorn Mittens
and Popcorn Shoes
Jason Squiff was a cistern cleaner. He had greenish yellowish hair. If
you looked down into a cistern when he was lifting buckets of slush
and mud you could tell where he was, you could pick him out down in
the dark cistern, by the lights of his greenish yellowish hair.
Sometimes the buckets of slush and mud tipped over and ran down on the
top of his head. This covered his greenish yellowish hair. And then it
was hard to tell where he was and it was not easy to pick him out down
in the dark where he was cleaning the cistern.
One day Jason Squiff came to the Bimber house and knocked on the door.
"Did I understand," he said, speaking to Mrs. Bimber, Blixie Bimber's
mother, "do I understand you sent for me to clean the cistern in your
back yard?"
"You understand exactly such," said Mrs. Bimber, "and you are welcome
as the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la-la."
"Then I will go to work and clean the cistern, tra-la-la," he
answered, speaking to Mrs. Bimber. "I'm the guy, tra-la-la," he said
further, running his excellent fingers through his greenish yellowish
hair which was shining brightly.
He began cleaning the cistern. Blixie Bimber came out in the back
yard. She looked down in the cistern. It was all dark. It looked like
nothing but all dark down there. By and by she saw something greenish
yellowish. She watched it. Soon she saw it was Jason Squiff's head and
hair. And then she knew the cistern was being cleaned and Jason Squiff
was on the job. So she sang tra-la-la and went back into the house and
told her mother Jason Squiff was on the job.
The last bucketful of slush and mud came at last for Jason Squiff. He
squinted at the bottom. Something was shining. He reached his fingers
down through the slush and mud and took out what was shining.
It was the gold buckskin whincher Blixie Bimber lost from the gold
chain around her neck the week before when she was looking down into
the cistern to see what she could see. It was exactly the same gold
buckskin whincher shining and glittering like a sign of happiness.
"It's luck," said Jason Squiff, wiping his fingers on his greenish
yellowish hair. Then he put the gold buckskin whincher in his vest
pocket and spoke to himself again, "It's luck."
A little after six o'clock that night Jason Squiff stepped into his
house and home and said hello to his wife and daughters. They all
began to laugh. Their laughter was a ticklish laughter.
"Something funny is happening," he said.
"And you are it," they all laughed at him again with ticklish
laughter.
Then they showed him. His hat was popcorn, his mittens popcorn and his
shoes popcorn. He didn't know the gold buckskin whincher had a power
and was working all the time. He didn't know the whincher in his vest
pocket was saying, "You have a letter Q in your name and because you
have the pleasure and happiness of having a Q in your name you must
have a popcorn hat, popcorn mittens and popcorn shoes."
The next morning he put on another hat, another pair of mittens and
another pair of shoes. And the minute he put them on they changed to
popcorn.
So he tried on all his hats, mittens and shoes. Always they changed to
popcorn the minute he had them on.
[Illustration: His hat was popcorn, his mittens popcorn and his
shoes popcorn]
He went downtown to the stores. He bought a new hat, mittens and
shoes. And the minute he had them on they changed to popcorn.
So he decided he would go to work and clean cisterns with his popcorn
hat, popcorn mittens and popcorn shoes on.
The people of the Village of Cream Puffs enjoyed watching him walk up
the street, going to clean cisterns. People five and six blocks away
could see him coming and going with his popcorn hat, popcorn mittens
and popcorn shoes.
When he was down in a cistern the children enjoyed looking down into
the cistern to see him work. When none of the slush and mud fell on
his hat and mittens he was easy to find. The light of the shining
popcorn lit up the whole inside of the cistern.
Sometimes, of course, the white popcorn got full of black slush and
black mud. And then when Jason Squiff came up and walked home he was
not quite so dazzling to look at.
It was a funny winter for Jason Squiff.
"It's a crime, a dirty crime," he said to himself. "Now I can never be
alone with my thoughts. Everybody looks at me when I go up the
street."
"If I meet a funeral even the pall bearers begin to laugh at my
popcorn hat. If I meet people going to a wedding they throw all the
rice at me as if I am a bride and a groom all together.
"The horses try to eat my hat wherever I go. Three hats I have fed to
horses this winter.
"And if I accidentally drop one of my mittens the chickens eat it."
Then Jason Squiff began to change. He became proud.
"I always wanted a white beautiful hat like this white popcorn hat,"
he said to himself. "And I always wanted white beautiful mittens and
white beautiful shoes like these white popcorn mittens and shoes."
When the boys yelled, "Snow man! yah-de-dah-de-dah, Snow man!" he just
waved his hand to them with an upward gesture of his arm to show he
was proud of how he looked.
"They all watch for me," he said to himself, "I am distinquished--am I
not?" he asked himself.
And he put his right hand into his left hand and shook hands with
himself and said, "You certainly look fixed up."
One day he decided to throw away his vest. In the vest pocket was the
gold buckskin whincher, with the power working, the power saying, "You
have a letter Q in your name and because you have the pleasure and
happiness of having a Q in your name you must have a popcorn hat,
popcorn mittens and popcorn shoes."
Yes, he threw away the vest. He forgot all about the gold buckskin
whincher being in the vest.
He just handed the vest to a rag man. And the rag man put the vest
with the gold buckskin whincher in a bag on his back and walked away.
After that Jason Squiff was like other people. His hats would never
change to popcorn nor his mittens to popcorn nor his shoes to popcorn.
And when anybody looked at him down in a cistern cleaning the cistern
or when anybody saw him walking along the street they knew him by his
greenish yellowish hair which was always full of bright lights.
And so--if you have a Q in your name, be careful if you ever come
across a gold buckskin whincher. Remember different whinchers have
different powers.
[Illustration]
The Story of Rags Habakuk, the Two
Blue Rats, and the Circus Man Who
Came with Spot Cash Money
Rags Habakuk was going home. His day's work was done. The sun was
down. Street lamps began shining. Burglars were starting on their
night's work. It was no time for an honest ragman to be knocking on
people's back doors, saying, "Any rags?" or else saying, "Any rags?
any bottles? any bones?" or else saying "Any rags? any bottles? any
bones? any old iron? any copper, brass, old shoes all run down and no
good to anybody to-day? any old clothes, old coats, pants, vests? I
take any old clothes you got."
Yes, Rags Habakuk was going home. In the gunnysack bag on his back,
humped up on top of the rag humps in the bag, was an old vest. It was
the same old vest Jason Squiff threw out of a door at Rags Habakuk. In
the pocket of the vest was the gold buckskin whincher with a power in
it.
Well, Rags Habakuk got home just like always, sat down to supper and
smacked his mouth and had a big supper of fish, just like always. Then
he went out to a shanty in the back yard and opened up the gunnysack
rag bag and fixed things out classified just like every day when he
came home he opened the gunnysack bag and fixed things out classified.
The last thing of all he fixed out classified was the vest with the
gold buckskin whincher in the pocket. "Put it on--it's a glad rag," he
said, looking at the vest. "It's a lucky vest." So he put his right
arm in the right armhole and his left arm in the left armhole. And
there he was with his arms in the armholes of the old vest all fixed
out classified new.
Next morning Rags Habakuk kissed his wife g'by and his eighteen year
old girl g'by and his nineteen year old girl g'by. He kissed them just
like he always kissed them--in a hurry--and as he kissed each one he
said, "I will be back soon if not sooner and when I come back I will
return."
Yes, up the street went Rags Habakuk. And soon as he left home
something happened. Standing on his right shoulder was a blue rat and
standing on his left shoulder was a blue rat. The only way he knew
they were there was by looking at them.
There they were, close to his ears. He could feel the far edge of
their whiskers against his ears.
"This never happened to me before all the time I been picking rags,"
he said. "Two blue rats stand by my ears and never say anything even
if they know I am listening to anything they tell me."
So Rags Habakuk walked on two blocks, three blocks, four blocks,
squinting with his right eye slanting at the blue rat on his right
shoulder and squinting with his left eye slanting at the blue rat on
his left shoulder.
"If I stood on somebody's shoulder with my whiskers right up in
somebody's ear I would say something for somebody to listen to," he
muttered.
Of course, he did not understand it was the gold buckskin whincher and
the power working. Down in the pocket of the vest he had on, the gold
buckskin whincher power was saying, "Because you have two K's in your
name you must have two blue rats on your shoulders, one blue rat for
your right ear, one blue rat for your left ear."
It was good business. Never before did Rags Habakuk get so much old
rags.
"Come again--you and your lucky blue rats," people said to him. They
dug into their cellars and garrets and brought him bottles and bones
and copper and brass and old shoes and old clothes, coats, pants,
vests.
Every morning when he went up the street with the two blue rats on his
shoulders, blinking their eyes straight ahead and chewing their
whiskers so they sometimes tickled the ears of old Rags Habakuk,
sometimes women came running out on the front porch to look at him and
say, "Well, if he isn't a queer old mysterious ragman and if those
ain't queer old mysterious blue rats!"
All the time the gold buckskin whincher and the power was working. It
was saying, "So long as old Rags Habakuk keeps the two blue rats he
shall have good luck--but if he ever sells one of the blue rats then
one of his daughters shall marry a taxicab driver--and if he ever
sells the other blue rat then his other daughter shall marry a
moving-picture hero actor."
Then terrible things happened. A circus man came. "I give you one
thousand dollars spot cash money for one of the blue rats," he
expostulated with his mouth. "And I give you two thousand dollars spot
cash money for the two of the blue rats both of them together."
"Show me how much spot cash money two thousand dollars is all counted
out in one pile for one man to carry away home in his gunnysack rag
bag," was the answer of Rags Habakuk.
The circus man went to the bank and came back with spot cash
greenbacks money.
"This spot cash greenbacks money is made from the finest silk rags
printed by the national government for the national republic to make
business rich and prosperous," said the circus man, expostulating with
his mouth.
"T-h-e f-i-n-e-s-t s-i-l-k r-a-g-s," he expostulated again holding two
fingers under the nose of Rags Habakuk.
"I take it," said Rags Habakuk, "I take it. It is a whole gunnysack
bag full of spot cash greenbacks money. I tell my wife it is printed
by the national government for the national republic to make business
rich and prosperous."
Then he kissed the blue rats, one on the right ear, the other on the
left ear, and handed them over to the circus man.
And that was why the next month his eighteen year old daughter married
a taxicab driver who was so polite all the time to his customers that
he never had time to be polite to his wife.
And that was why his nineteen year old daughter married a moving-picture
hero actor who worked so hard being nice and kind in the moving pictures
that he never had enough left over for his wife when he got home after
the day's work.
And the lucky vest with the gold buckskin whincher was stolen from
Rags Habakuk by the taxicab driver.
[Illustration]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Four Stories About the Deep
Doom of Dark Doorways
_People_: The Rag Doll
The Broom Handle
Spoon Lickers
Chocolate Chins
Dirty Bibs
Tin Pan Bangers
Clean Ears
Easy Ticklers
Musical Soup Eaters
Chubby Chubs
Sleepy Heads
Snoo Foo
Blink, Swink and Jink
Blunk, Swunk and Junk
Missus Sniggers
Eeta Peeca Pie
Meeny Miney
Miney Mo
A Potato Bug Millionaire
Bimbo the Snip
Bevo the Hike
A Ward Alderman
A Barn Boss
A Weather Man
A Traffic Policeman
A Monkey
A Widow Woman
An Umbrella Handle Maker
[Illustration]
The Wedding Procession of the Rag Doll
and the Broom Handle and Who Was in It
The Rag Doll had many friends. The Whisk Broom, the Furnace Shovel,
the Coffee Pot, they all liked the Rag Doll very much.
But when the Rag Doll married, it was the Broom Handle she picked
because the Broom Handle fixed her eyes.
A proud child, proud but careless, banged the head of the Rag Doll
against a door one day and knocked off both the glass eyes sewed on
long ago. It was then the Broom Handle found two black California
prunes, and fastened the two California prunes just where the eyes
belonged. So then the Rag Doll had two fine black eyes brand new. She
was even nicknamed Black Eyes by some people.
There was a wedding when the Rag Doll married the Broom Handle. It was
a grand wedding with one of the grandest processions ever seen at a
rag doll wedding. And we are sure no broom handle ever had a grander
wedding procession when he got married.
Who marched in the procession? Well, first came the Spoon Lickers.
Every one of them had a tea spoon, or a soup spoon, though most of
them had a big table spoon. On the spoons, what did they have? Oh,
some had butter scotch, some had gravy, some had marshmallow fudge.
Every one had something slickery sweet or fat to eat on the spoon. And
as they marched in the wedding procession of the Rag Doll and the
Broom Handle, they licked their spoons and looked around and licked
their spoons again.
Next came the Tin Pan Bangers. Some had dishpans, some had frying
pans, some had potato peeling pans. All the pans were tin with tight
tin bottoms. And the Tin Pan Bangers banged with knives and forks and
iron and wooden bangers on the bottoms of the tin pans. And as they
marched in the wedding procession of the Rag Doll and the Broom Handle
they banged their pans and looked around and banged again.
Then came the Chocolate Chins. They were all eating chocolates. And
the chocolate was slippery and slickered all over their chins. Some of
them spattered the ends of their noses with black chocolate. Some of
them spread the brown chocolate nearly up to their ears. And then as
they marched in the wedding procession of the Rag Doll and the Broom
Handle they stuck their chins in the air and looked around and stuck
their chins in the air again.
Then came the Dirty Bibs. They wore plain white bibs, checker bibs,
stripe bibs, blue bibs and bibs with butterflies. But all the bibs
were dirty. The plain white bibs were dirty, the checker bibs were
dirty, the stripe bibs, the blue bibs and the bibs with butterflies on
them, they were all dirty. And so in the wedding procession of the Rag
Doll and the Broom Handle, the Dirty Bibs marched with their dirty
fingers on the bibs and they looked around and laughed and looked
around and laughed again.
Next came the Clean Ears. They were proud. How they got into the
procession nobody knows. Their ears were all clean. They were clean
not only on the outside but they were clean on the inside. There was
not a speck of dirt or dust or muss or mess on the inside nor the
outside of their ears. And so in the wedding procession of the Rag
Doll and the Broom Handle, they wiggled their ears and looked around
and wiggled their ears again.
The Easy Ticklers were next in the procession. Their faces were
shining. Their cheeks were like bars of new soap. Their ribs were
strong and the meat and the fat was thick on their ribs. It was plain
to see they were saying, "Don't tickle me because I tickle so easy."
And as they marched in the wedding procession of the Rag Doll and the
Broom Handle, they tickled themselves and laughed and looked around
and tickled themselves again.
The music was furnished mostly by the Musical Soup Eaters. They
marched with big bowls of soup in front of them and big spoons for
eating the soup. They whistled and chuzzled and snozzled the soup and
the noise they made could be heard far up at the head of the
procession where the Spoon Lickers were marching. So they dipped their
soup and looked around and dipped their soup again.
The Chubby Chubs were next. They were roly poly, round faced smackers
and snoozers. They were not fat babies--oh no, oh no--not fat but just
chubby and easy to squeeze. They marched on their chubby legs and
chubby feet and chubbed their chubbs and looked around and chubbed
their chubbs again.
The last of all in the wedding procession of the Rag Doll and the
Broom Handle were the Sleepyheads. They were smiling and glad to be
marching but their heads were slimpsing down and their smiles were
half fading away and their eyes were half shut or a little more than
half shut. They staggered just a little as though their feet were not
sure where they were going. They were the Sleepyheads, the last of
all, in the wedding procession of the Rag Doll and the Broom Handle
and the Sleepyheads they never looked around at all.
It _was_ a grand procession, don't you think so?
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
How the Hat Ashes Shovel Helped Snoo
Foo
If you want to remember the names of all six of the Sniggers children,
remember that the three biggest were named Blink, Swink and Jink but
the three littlest ones were named Blunk, Swunk and Junk. One day last
January the three biggest had a fuss with the three littlest. The fuss
was about a new hat for Snoo Foo, the snow man, about what kind of a
hat he should wear and how he should wear it. Blink, Swink and Jink
said, "He wants a crooked hat put on straight." Blunk, Swunk and Junk
said, "He wants a straight hat put on crooked." They fussed and
fussed. Blink fussed with Blunk, Swink fussed with Swunk, and Jink
fussed with Junk. The first ones to make up after the fuss were Jink
and Junk. They decided the best way to settle the fuss. "Let's put a
crooked hat on crooked," said Jink. "No, let's put a straight hat on
straight," said Junk. Then they stood looking and looking into each
other's shiny laughing eyes and then both of them exploded to each
other at the same time, "Let's put on two hats, a crooked hat crooked
and a straight hat straight."
Well, they looked around for hats. But there were not any hats
anywhere, that is, no hats big enough for a snow man with a big head
like Snoo Foo. So they went in the house and asked their mother for
_the hat ashes shovel_. Of course, in most any other house, the mother
would be all worried if six children came tramping and clomping in,
banging the door and all six ejaculating to their mother at once,
"Where is the hat ashes shovel?" But Missus Sniggers wasn't worried at
all. She rubbed her chin with her finger and said softly, "Oh lah de
dah, oh lah de dah, where is that hat ashes shovel, last week I had it
when I was making a hat for Mister Sniggers; I remember I had that hat
ashes shovel right up here over the clock, oh lah de dah, oh lah de
dah. Go out and ring the front door bell," she said to Jink Sniggers.
Jink ran away to the front door. And Missus Sniggers and the five
children waited. Bling-bling the bell began ringing and--listen--the
door of the clock opened and the hat ashes shovel fell out. "Oh lah de
dah, get out of here in a hurry," said Missus Sniggers.
Well, the children ran out and dug a big pail of hat ashes with the
hat ashes shovel. And they made two hats for Snoo Foo. One was a
crooked hat. The other was a straight hat. And they put the crooked
hat on crooked and the straight hat on straight. And there stood Snoo
Foo in the front yard and everybody who came by on the street, he
would take off his hat to them, the crooked hat with his arm crooked
and the straight hat with his arm straight. That was the end of the
fuss between the Sniggers children and it was Jink, the littlest one
of the biggest, and Junk, the littlest one of the littlest, who
settled the fuss by looking clean into each other's eyes and laughing.
If you ever get into a fuss try this way of settling it.
[Illustration]
Three Boys With Jugs of Molasses and
Secret Ambitions
In the Village of Liver-and-Onions, if _one_ boy goes to the grocery
for a jug of molasses it is just like always. And if _two_ boys go to
the grocery for a jug of molasses together it is just like always. But
if _three_ boys go to the grocery for a jug of molasses each and all
together then it is not like always at all, at all.
Eeta Peeca Pie grew up with wishes and wishes working inside him. And
for every wish inside him he had a freckle outside on his face.
Whenever he smiled the smile ran way back into the far side of his
face and got lost in the wishing freckles.
Meeny Miney grew up with suspicions and suspicions working inside him.
And after a while some of the suspicions got fastened on his eyes and
some of the suspicions got fastened on his mouth. So when he looked at
other people straight in the face they used to say, "Meeny Miney looks
so sad-like I wonder if he'll get by."
Miney Mo was different. He wasn't sad-like and suspicious like Meeny
Miney. Nor was he full of wishes inside and freckles outside like Eeta
Peeca Pie. He was all mixed up inside with wishes and suspicions. So
he had a few freckles and a few suspicions on his face. When he looked
other people straight in the face they used to say, "I don't know
whether to laugh or cry."
So here we have 'em, three boys growing up with wishes, suspicions and
mixed-up wishes and suspicions. They all looked different from each
other. Each one, however, had a secret ambition. And all three had the
same secret ambition.
An ambition is a little creeper that creeps and creeps in your heart
night and day, singing a little song, "Come and find me, come and find
me."
The secret ambition in the heart of Eeta Peeca Pie, Meeney Miney, and
Miney Mo was an ambition to go railroading, to ride on railroad cars
night and day, year after year. The whistles and the wheels of
railroad trains were music to them.
Whenever the secret ambition crept in their hearts and made them too
sad, so sad it was hard to live and stand for it, they would all three
put their hands on each other's shoulder and sing the song of Joe. The
chorus was like this: