Trouble comes night and day,
In this world unheedin',
But there's light to find the way--
That is all we're needin'.
"Al-f-u-r-d-!" "Al-f-u-r-d!" Al-f-u-r-d!"
Town life had not diminished the volume of Malinda Linn's voice. It was
far-reaching as ever. Malinda was familiarly called "Lin"--in print the
name looks unnatural and Chinese-like. Lin Linn was about the whole
works in the family. Her duties were calling, seeking and changing the
apparel of "Al-f-u-r-d", duties she discharged with a mixture of
scoldings and caresses.
When the family moved to town to live, Lin became impressed with the
propriety of bestowing the full baptismal name upon the First Born, and
to his open-eyed wonderment, he was addressed as "Alfred Griffith." But
when Lin called him from afar--and she usually had to call him, and then
go after him--it was always "Al-f-u-r-d!"
A bunch of misery, pale and limp, was lying in the family garden between
two rows of tomato vines, the earth about him disturbed from his
intermittent spasms. A big, greenish, yellowish worm was crawling over
his head, his tow-like hair whiter by contrast; upon his forehead great
drops of perspiration.
[Illustration: The First Cigar]
He heard Lin's calls but could not answer. He half opened his eyes as
she approached him. Berating him roundly for hiding from her, bending
over him, the pallor of his face frightened her. Her screams would have
abashed a Camanche Indian. Tenderly taking up the almost unconscious
boy, she hastened toward the house, frightened members of the family and
several nearby neighbors attracted by her screams.
Crowded around "Al-f-u-r-d" all busied themselves in assisting in
placing him in bed. His hands were rubbed, his brow bathed, the air
about agitated with a big palm-leaf fan while the doctor was summoned.
When the family doctor arrived "Al-f-u-r-d's" shirt-waist was opened in
front and a big, greenish, yellowish worm fell to the floor. This, and
that sickening smell of green tomato vines, assisted the good doctor in
his diagnosis. To know the disease is the beginning of the cure. Hot
water and mustard administered in copious draughts, the little
rebellious stomach, made more so by this treatment, began sending up
returns. Thus was relieved "the worst case of tomato poisoning that had,
up to that time, come under the doctor's observation."
At that time the tomato had not long been an edible. Indeed many persons
refused to consider them as such, growing them for merely ornamental
purposes, displaying them on mantels and window sills. Tomatoes were
commonly called "Jerusalem" or "Love Apples." On this occasion the
doctor dilated at length on its past bad reputation and the lurking
poison contained in vine and fruit.
The blinds were lowered and Alfred slept. The nurses tiptoed from the
room, to return, tip-toeing to the bed to see how he was resting, then
returning to the kitchen to advise the anxious ones there that he was
resting easy.
Poor Lin was "near distracted" no sooner was it announced that
"Al-f-u-r-d" was out of danger than she began gathering the "green
tomattisus" lying in irregular rows on various window sills to ripen in
the sun, giving vent to her pent-up "feelings" thus:
"Huh! Tomattisus! Never was made to eat. They ain't no good, no-way.
Pap's right. They're called Jerusalem apples 'caus they wuz first
planted by the Jews, who knowed their enemies would eat 'em an' git
pizened an' die of cancers, an' Lord knows what else."
She carried the offending fruit to the family swill barrel, where the
leavings of the table were deposited. As she raised one big tomato to
drop it into the barrel, her hand paused, as she soliloquized:
"No, If tomattisus will pizen pee-pul, they'll pizen hogs. They ain't
fit for hogs nohow. They ain't fit fer nuthin' but heathens an' sich
like, as oughter be pizened."
Turning to one of several neighbors, whose looks denoted disapproval of
wilful waste, she benevolently emptied the tomatoes into the woman's
upheld apron, remarking:
"Lordy. Yer welcome to 'em if yer folks like 'em an' ain't carin' much
when they die. Take 'em. Ye kin have 'em an' welcome."
While the father was yanking the noxious tomato plants out by the roots
and sprinkling the ground with lime, "Al-f-u-r-d" began showing symptoms
of returning life. After the nurses had tiptoed from the room,
supposedly leaving him in deep slumber, he threw back the linen sheets
and slid from the bed on the side farthest from the open door leading to
the kitchen. Cautiously creeping to where lay his trousers--inserting a
hand in the deep pocket, which had been put in by Lin by special
request--he drew out two long, dark, worm-like objects, holding them at
arm's length gagging anew at even the sight of them. Staggering to the
cupboard dropping them into a box half filled with similar worm-like
objects, he staggered back to bed as quickly as his weakened condition
would permit, suppressing another upheaval of his stomach with greatest
effort.
Notwithstanding the objects mentioned were Ed. Hurd's best
three-for-a-cent stogies, and "Al-f-u-r-d" had smoked less than four of
the six inches of one of the big, black cigars, the stub of which he had
buried near the spot where Lin found him, it was several days before he
took kindly to food, or, as was generally supposed, had wholly thrown
off the baneful effects of the tomato poisoning.
While convalescing, afternoon walks were taken near home, circling the
Episcopal Church, back through the old, green graveyard, or a little
lower down the hill where the village boys could be seen and heard
swimming and splashing in the river. To take part in this sport, to get
to the river, to plunge into its cooling depths, "Al-f-u-r-d" had a
soul-yearning, even more powerful than that of the old well. But he had
been sworn, bribed, placed upon his honor and threatened with dire
tortures, should he even venture nearer the river than the top of the
hill.
The yearning would not down. It grew in intensity. He would stand on the
front rail of his trundle bed, night and morning, with arms extended
above him, palms together, to dive, to split the imaginary water, take a
header into the soft, downy tick; then thresh his arms about in swimming
fashion as he had seen the big boys cavort in the river.
Nearer and nearer to the river his newest allurement carried him, until
one day he found himself on a strange path leading into a large yard in
which stood a neat, white house, with green blinds. Purling at his feet,
bubbling from an invisible source, was a brook of clear, cold water.
Very cold it felt to his bare feet as he waded up and down over it's
sandy, pebbly bed, the water reaching barely to his ankles. Wading
nearer to the fountain head, the depth gradually increased. Here was
young hopeful's long-sought-for opportunity to dive, swim and otherwise
disport himself as did the big boys. Off came pantalets, waist and
undercoverings, through the pure, cold water he waded. With teeth
chattering and flesh quivering, holding his hands above his head, under
he went.
He was having the time of his life, and so busy was he at it that his
attention was not attracted by the opening of a door in the nearby white
house and the sudden appearance of an elderly, grim-looking woman behind
a pair of gold-rimmed spectacles; brandishing a long, swinging buggy
whip, with broad, bright bands here and there along its length. Rushing
toward the boy, she angrily shouted:
"You little scamp, I'll skin ye alive!"
"Al-f-u-r-d," with a cry, bounded from the water, grabbed for his
clothes, missed them, and started on a race at a pace that left no doubt
as to the winner. A big dog and another elderly woman--the counterpart
of her-behind-the-spectacles--joined in the chase, the dog's deep bays
greatly accelerating the already beat-all-record-time of the terrified
"Al-f-u-r-d."
As he neared the parental roof, he let out a series of yells with
"Mother!" "Lin!" "Help!" "Murder!" sandwiched between. The nearer he
drew, the louder the yelps, for he knew he would need sympathy, even
though the gold-rimmed glasses and the other elderly pursuer had been
distanced by many lengths.
Lin said when she first heard the screams, she "thought it was only the
old crazy woman under the hill havin' another spell. But when they come
gittin' nearer an' nearer, she knew it was "Al-f-u-r-d" an' somethin'
turrible had happened." It was then Lin, mother and several neighboring
females rushed to the front door as "Al-f-u-r-d" flew in at the gate, up
the path and into his mother's outstretched arms, endeavoring to pull
her apron about his nudity.
"Where's your clothes?" demanded the frightened mother. "Where are
they?" "Who took them off you?"
"She did! She did!" howled "Al-f-u-r-d," jerking his head toward the
gate, just as the elderly woman behind the spectacles entered. Trembling
with fear she began to explain and apologize to Lin and the mother,
frequently turning to "Al-f-u-r-d" to entreat him to come to her,
assuring him that he need not fear her. But the big buggy whip, with the
silver bands, dangled above his head and the more she entreated the
louder his yells and the further he forced himself into his mother's
garments.
[Illustration: She Did! She Did!]
Lin grabbed his clothes from the spectacled lady berating both soundly,
giving them but little opportunity to explain. Others joined in the
wordy attack, much to the elderly woman's confusion and shame. The fact
that they were old maids, living alone and associating with but few of
their neighbors, lent bitterness to the invectives hurled at them, the
climax was reached with a parting shot from Lin:
"Drat ye!" she exclaimed, "if ye had yungins of yer own--which is lucky
for 'em that ye haven't--ye'd have some hearts in yer withered old
frames."
The spectacled maiden, apparently more frightened than the other, began
to feel what a monster she was, what an awful crime she had committed,
following an embarrassing pause, the effect of Lin's final shot, mother
again demanded the cause of "Al-f-u-r-d's" nudity.
"I s'pose I ought to have pulled down the blinds," she began
apologetically, "and let him have his swim out. Likely it wouldn't have
hurt the spring much. Still a body doesn't like to drink water out of a
spring that a boy's been swimmin' in, no matter if his folks are clean
about their house-keeping."
She was certainly sorry and so anxious to caress "Al-f-u-r-d" that she
and the mother made it up, then and there, and many an afternoon
thereafter did the two spend together bemoaning the evil spirit that had
prompted the boy to make a swimming hole of the family spring.
Kindly invitations nor the promise of sponge cake ever induced
"Al-f-u-r-d" to again visit the grounds, or the white house with green
blinds, a buggy whip with silver bands on it, a big dog and two old
maids who, according to Lin, "didn't know nuthin' 'bout children."