Straight I sought the Lord God, sighing:
_O may I, may I, may I,
May I love the girl?_
“My boy,” laughed he, “go take her:
Why the devil did I make her?--
Faith, you may love the girl!”
_Old German._
_UNINTENTIONAL WITTICISMS OF THE ABSENT-MINDED GERMAN PROFESSOR._
IN the day of Achilles the Greeks had no books except Homer.
A panic seized the Persians at Marathon, and crying, “Lord Jesus, there
are the Athenasians,” they rushed for the sea.
Alexander would undoubtedly have subjugated the whole of Asia, but he
will soon die.
Alexander was poisoned twenty-one years before his death.
The death of Alexander was felt by all Asia, but not until after his
death.
Demetrius was the son of his father, and had an army of 100,000
Reichsthalers.
Charilaus was born very young.
This is a common incident in Roman history, which, however, does not
occur often.
Servius came to Rome and was born there.
At the battle of Cannæ the Roman army consisted of 30,000 men, 20,000
were made prisoners, 40,000 fell, and 120,000 escaped.
If Cæsar had not crossed the Rubicon there is no knowing where he would
have gone.
Brutus and Cassius murdered Cæsar in a manner very detrimental to his
health.
His brother, whom he had caused to be murdered, he at last proscribed.
Varus was the only Roman general who succeeded in being conquered by
the Germans.
Gallus was murdered in the presence of the populace, and he met the
same fate once more at the hands of an assassin.
Julianus first killed himself, then his father, and then himself.
Tacitus says the ancient Germans were as tall as our Gardes du Corps.
The Cimbers and Teutons are descended from each other.
Alfons was two years old when he was born.
So did King Alfons surrender the eastern part of his career.
Returning from Spain, the roads were so poor that it was necessary to
take eight waggons to one horse.
Richard III. murdered all his successors.
After the execution of Mary Stuart, Elizabeth appeared in Parliament,
in one hand a handkerchief, in the other a tear.
It is unnecessary to say anything about Newton except that he died.
Danton was not executed until he had cut his own throat.
To be sure Marat was murdered, but he died first of a disease so
virulent as to rob him of life.
Maximilian I. had hopes of seeing the throne upon his head.
After the battle of Leipsic there were a large number of horses that
had lost three or four or more legs running about without a master.
Gustavus Adolphus, King of Sweden, lived until shortly before his death.
Stanislaus was not yet in existence when his father was born.
Suwarow marched at so rapid a pace with his army that neither the
infantry, nor cavalry, nor artillery could keep up with him.
The Polish army was beaten by Suwarow because it ran away and fled.
A bitter war ensued on page 94.
The earth like all bodies has parallel circles, which intersect, and
this is mathematical geography.
He drew his sword and shot him.
Gotha is not much farther from Erfurt than Erfurt is from Gotha.
I am unable to give you the titles of books about Africa just now. I
have them in my head, but not on paper.
Among the most excellent products of Egypt the climate must be counted.
The sources of the Nile are much farther south than where Bruce
discovered them.
The eye-sight of the Hottentots is so well developed that they can hear
the tramp of a horse at an incredible distance.
The walls of Babylon were so broad that four waggons could go on top of
each other.
North America consists of a great number of large and small islands,
very few of which are surrounded by water.
When Humboldt ascended Mount Chimborazo he found the air so thin that
he could not read without glasses.
There is so much coal-smoke in London that even when the sun does not
shine you cannot see the sky.
There would be far less leather produced by the English if they tanned
only their own hides.
There are many propositions in mathematics that can only be proved by
beginning over again.
The theory of parallel lines explains itself, for it tends toward
infinity.
_Professor_: “That impertinent fellow, Sustorf, must be reported.”
_Pupil_: “Herr Professor, his name is not Sustorf; it is Thomas.”
Professor: “Well, then, we will not report him.”
It must strike four soon, for it struck a quarter-to half-an-hour ago.
I see a great many pupils who are absent.
If any of you would like to read up this subject, you will find
something to the point in a book the title of which I have forgotten.
It is in the forty-second chapter.
[Illustration: “WITH A SINGLE BOUND HE WAS OUTSIDE THE DOOR.”]
_THE INCARCERATION OF THE HERR PROFESSOR._
WHEN he got to the hall before the door of the schoolroom, the Herr
Director heard a tremendous uproar. Forty boyish voices were shouting
“Encore,” and “Da capo!”
Professor Samuel Heinzerling began to frown.
Now there was a lull in the wild chorus, and a clear, penetrating voice
was heard in a tone of absurd magniloquence--
“That will do faw to-day, Heppenheimer. It ith vewy evident you’ve come
to clath unprepared. I’m vewy much put out by thuch conduct. Thit down!”
Thundering applause.
The professor seemed turned to a stone.
By all the gods of Greece, that was his voice, his manner, and no
mistake. To be sure, there was an exaggeration of caricature, but the
likeness was so evident that none but a connoisseur would be able to
distinguish the slight shade of difference. It was little short of
sacrilege. To think that one of his pupils should have the audacity to
ridicule him, the sovereign authority over all school matters; him, the
author of “A Latin Grammar for use in schools, specially adapted to the
higher classes;” him, the renowned follower of Kant, from the hallowed
heights of his own platform! _Proh pudor! Honos sit auribus!_ This was
a prank such as none but the soul of the arch-rogue Wilhelm Rumpf could
bring forth.
“Will you take a pathage, Möwicke,” the voice of the godless pupil
continued. “What, you are indithpothed? Deaw me, when I heaw young men
of your age thay they are indithpothed that lookth ill, it lookth vewy
ill indeed. Knebel, put down in the clath-book: Möwicke, being called
upon to tranthlate, wath indithpothed.”
The professor was unable to control his temper longer.
With a sudden movement he opened the door, and stepped in among the
startled boys.
His intuition had been correct.
It was indeed Wilhelm Rumpf, the greatest good-for-nothing the class
could boast of, who had committed the unpardonable offence against the
majesty of his person. For four weeks only this lad had been one of
Samuel Heinzerling’s pupils, and already there was no scamp in class
from first to last who did not own his superiority. His collar drawn up
high in front, an immense pair of paper spectacles upon his nose, in
his left hand a book, in his right the traditional tiny lead-pencil,
there he stood upon the platform, just about to commit himself further
when the indignant professor crossed the threshold.
“Wumpf!” said Samuel with dignity, “Wumpf! you will go to the
_cawcer_[11] faw two dayth. Knebel, put down in the clath-book: Wumpf,
condemned to two dayth in the _cawcer_ faw childith and unworthy
conduct. Heppenheimer, call the _pedell_!”
“Why, Herr Professor,--I did not--I only----” stammered Rumpf, putting
the paper spectacles in his pocket, and walking back to his seat.
“Not another word!”
“I thought----”
“Be thtill, I tell you!”
“But won’t you permit me----”
“Knebel, put down: Wumpf hath one day added to the owiginal penalty faw
obthtinathy. I am tiwed of fighting it out with you. You ought to be
athamed to the vewy depth of your thoul!”
“_Andiatur et altera pars_, Herr Professor. This is a precept to which
you have always called our attention!”
“Vewy good! You thall not thay that I am untrue to my printhipleth.
What have you to thay faw yourthelf?”
“I can only assure you, sir, that it was not my intention to do
anything disrespectful. I was only exercising myself in the art of
mimicry.”
“It would have been better to exerthithe yourthelf in Latin thtyle and
in Greek compothition.”
“I do that also, Herr Professor. But aside from those branches of
knowledge, art also has her privileges.”
“Thertainly, I have never denied that. Do you pretend to call your
nonthenthe, art? It ith an art that you will never be able to live on.”
“There’s no knowing, Herr Professor!”
“Be thtill, I tell you! If you go on at this wate you will be
shipwecked soonaw or lataw in life. Knipke, go and see why Heppenheimer
doeth not come back with the _pedell_.”
“Oh, just this once, Herr Professor,” whispered Rumpf coaxingly. “You
might let me off just this once.”
“No indeed! You go to _cawcer_. But we will not let thith dithagreeable
affair intewupt our work. Hutzler, begin the wepetition.”
“Herr Professor, I was ill when we translated this. Here is my
certificate.”
“Indeed! So you were ill, ath uthual. Do you know, Hutzler, it stwikes
me that you are oftener ill than well.”
“Unfortunately, Herr Professor, my delicate constitution----”
“Delicate? Eh, delicate? You don’t thay tho, Hutzler! I with every man
under the sun were ath delicate ath you are. Lathy, that’s what you
are, but not delicate----”
“Lazy? When I have a high fever you don’t expect me to----”
“I know all that! Dare thay you dwank too much beer. You twanthlate,
Gildemeister.”
“Absent!” cried a number of voices at once.
Samuel shook his head sadly.
“Doeth nobody know what ith the matter with Gildemeister?”
“He has a cold!” replied one of the lads.
“Cold! When I wath hith age I never had a cold. But why don’t Knipke
and Heppenheimer come back? Schwarz, you go and thee if you can’t find
them, but mind you come wight back!”
Schwarz went, and returned after ten minutes with the _pedell_ and the
others.
“Herr Inaddler was occupied with papering his wall,” said Heppenheimer
in a respectful tone; “he had to change his coat.”
“Ah, indeed! And doeth it take you half-an-hour to do that? Inaddlaw,
theemth to me you are beginning to neglect your offith!”
“I beg your pardon, Herr Professor; the young gentleman came to my door
just two minutes ago.”
“Oh!” cried three indignant voices.
“Well, it theemth witheth to let thith matter wetht! Here, take Wumpf
to the _cawcer_. Wumpf, you will behave yourself and not be continually
calling the _pedell_ ath you did the latht time you were there.
Inaddlaw, don’t let anything induthe you to let him come out into the
hall.”
“Very good, Herr Professor.”
Wilhelm Rumpf bit his lip, turned to go, and disappeared with Inaddler
in the dim twilight of the hall.
“What is it you did, Herr Rumpf?” asked the _pedell_ sympathetically,
as they were passing upstairs.
“Nothing.”
“Oh, but, begging your pardon, you must have done _something_?”
“I only did what the professor does all the time.”
“You don’t say so! How is that?”
“Well, you just listen to me. Don’t you thee, dear Inaddlaw, this
fellow Wumpf is a pawfect scapegwace, and there ith no penalty severe
enough faw him.”
“Good gracious!” stammered the _pedell_, clasping his hands above his
head. “To think that such things are possible! It’s positively uncanny,
Herr Rumpf, that it is! Heaven knows if I didn’t see you right here
before me with my own eyes I’d swear that it’s the Herr Professor in
person whose voice I hear this minute. You’ll make your fortune with
such a gift as that some day, sir. Why, once when I was drinking my
beer over at Lotze’s there was a magician who’d imitate anything you
wanted him to, twittering birds and neighing horses, barking dogs and
ranting priests. But it didn’t come up to your performance!”
“Yeth, yeth, dear Inaddlaw! I dare thay you’re wight!” replied Rumpf,
still continuing in the voice and tone of the professor.
“You don’t mean to say you kept this thing up in his presence? Well, I
must say, Herr Rumpf, there’s a time for everything. No wonder the Herr
Professor was very much put out.”
“Now weally! Do you think tho?”
“I shall have to ask you to stop this now. You see, it’s not compatible
with the dignity of my office. Will you please walk into this room?”
“Thertainly----”
“Herr Rumpf, I shall tell the Herr Professor that your punishment is
altogether too lenient.”
“What bithiness ith that of yours, you abthurd old fellow? I can do
what I pleathe.”
“That you cannot do.”
“You will thee that I can. I can talk ath it thuits me, and whoever
doeth not like it can thtop up hith ears.”
“You wait and see.”
“Wait for what?”
“I shall inform the Herr Professor.”
“Give him my compliments.”
Inaddler turned the key and slowly walked away.
* * * * *
Inaddler, having done what was incumbent upon him, devoted himself
lustily to his interrupted occupation. He dipped his brush into the
tremendous pot of paste and supplied strip after strip of wall paper
with the faintly fragrant liquid.
Wilhelm Rumpf sat yawning upon the seat of his prison, and assured
himself in a soliloquy that he was heartily sick of the gymnasium and
of the uncalled-for restrictions of school life.
Herr Samuel Heinzerling scratched his head, pushed his large round-eyed
spectacles up high on his nose and shook his pedagogical head three or
four times.
“A mithewable boy, thith fellow Wumpf,” he murmured, “but I half
believe I could win him by gentler methodth more weadily than I can by
severity. I will make one more attempt to appeal to hith conscienthe.
It ith a pity to let him go on like thith. He ith one of my motht
gifted pupilth!”
He touched the bell.
After two minutes Annie appeared, Inaddler’s daughter. She was
evidently about to go out, for a tiny hat surmounted by feathers was
perched jauntily upon her curly head.
“What can I do for you, Herr Professor?” she asked with a dainty
curtsey.
“Where is your father?” whispered Samuel, with a remarkably pure
pronunciation for him.
“He is papering. Is there anything you wish him to do, Herr Professor?”
“Ah, he ith papawing. Well, then, I will not dithturb him. It ith of no
consequenth, Annie; I dare thay the key is on the _cawcer_?”
“I will run and ask, Herr Professor.”
She ran down the stairs like a deer, and was back in a few seconds.
“Yes, sir; the keys are on the hall door as well as on the cell. Is
there anything else?”
“No; I thank you.”
Annie turned to go, while Samuel looked after her with a smile. He
passed his hand once or twice over his closely-shaved chin, then he
took his hat from the table and ascended the stairs to the _carcer_.
Wilhelm Rumpf was greatly surprised when after so short a time of
imprisonment the door turned on its hinges. His astonishment reached
its climax when he recognised Professor Samuel Heinzerling.
“Well, Wumpf?” said that philosopher with dignity.
“What do you wish, Herr Professor?” responded the pupil in a tone of
resolute obstinacy.
“I have come to athk if you are not beginning to thee that thuch
puerilenetheth are out of plathe altogether in a gymnathium, and
that----”
“I am not at all aware of having done----”
“What, Wumpf? I did not expect to find you tho thtubborn! I wish you
would put yourthelf in my plathe. I am sure you would be much more
thevere with thith unmanageable Wilhelm Wumpf than I have been, eh?”
“Herr Professor----”
“Surely thuch childish conduct ith not what one would expect of a young
man of good family. You’d betht be on your guard, for the next time I
catch you in a thcwape I shall expel you!”
“Expel me?”
“Yes, Wumpf, expel you. So you would do well to turn over a new leaf,
and let your dithgratheful nonthenthe go. I wepeat it, put yourself in
my place!”
Wilhelm Rumpf lowered his head. He felt that his expulsion was only a
matter of time. Suddenly a diabolical thought took possession of his
brain.
“If I must get expelled,” he said to himself, “it shall be with flying
colours.”
He smiled like the villainous hero of a sensational novel after some
dark deed, and said in a tone of simulated humility--
“You say, sir, I should put myself in your place?”
“Yes, Wumpf, that ith what I thay.”
“Well then, seeing you will have it so,--I wish you much pleasure!”
And with a single bound he was outside the door, turned the key, and
left the poor professor to his deplorable fate.
“Wumpf! what ith thith you are up to? I’ll exthpel you thith vewy day!
Open the door at onthe! At onthe, I thay!”
“I give you two hours’ _cawcer_,” replied Rumpf with dignity. “You told
me to put mythelf in your plathe!”
“Wumpf! you will thee what will happen! Open the door; I inthitht upon
it!”
“You have no wight to talk to me in that tone. Jutht at pwethent _I_
am the Herr Profeththor! You are merely the pupil Wilhelm Wumpf. Be
thtill! I will not bwook oppothition!”
“Dear Wumpf! I will fawgive you thith onthe. Pleathe open the door like
a good fellow. Your penalty shall be a vewy slight one. I give you my
word faw it, you shall not be exthpelled. Do you hear what I thay?”
Dear Rumpf did not hear. He had crept stealthily along the hall and was
now hastening downstairs to complete his escape.
As he was passing the _pedell’s_ door a tempting idea took possession
of him.
He put his eye to the keyhole. Inaddler was standing upon a ladder, his
back to the door, and was just attempting to put a heavily-pasted strip
of paper in place. Wilhelm Rumpf just lifted the latch, and called out
with the purest Heinzerling accent of which he was capable--
“I am going now, Inaddlaw. Keep an eye on that fellow Wumpf. The lad is
cawying on at a gweat wate. He ith thtill keeping up hith impertinent
nonthenthe. You keep wight on with your work. All I want to thay ith
that you are not to open the door faw him on any conthideration. The
fellow ith quite capable of knocking you down and wunning away. Do you
hear what I thay, Inaddlaw?”
“Very good, Herr Professor. Excuse me for not getting down----”
“Thtay wight where you are, I thay, and finish your papawing. Good
mawning.”
“Your servant, Herr Professor.”
Wilhelm Rumpf went upstairs again, and once more entered the hallowed
precincts of the _carcer_. Samuel Heinzerling was raging terribly. Now
he seemed to have discovered the bell, for just as Rumpf sought refuge
behind an enormous linen chest belonging to the Inaddler family, it
resounded shrilly through the hall like the yell of indignant demons.
“Help!” moaned the professor. “Help! Inaddlaw; you will lothe your
plathe thith very day, if you don’t come up thith minute! Help! Fire!
fire! Murder! Wobbers! Help!”
The _pedell_, recalled to his duty by the uninterrupted sound of the
bell, left his private occupation and put in an appearance before the
door of the prison. Deceitful Wilhelm Rumpf crept deeper into his
hiding-place. Samuel Heinzerling, utterly exhausted from calling and
crying, threw himself down upon his seat. His bosom was palpitating;
his nostrils worked like a pair of good bellows.
“Herr Rumpf,” said Inaddler, giving a warning knock on the door, “look
out, I’m making a note of all your doings!”
“The Lord be praithed that you are here, Inaddlaw! Open the door, I
thay! Thith mithewable thcoundwel hath locked me in. Thuch conduct ith
unheard of!”
“Let me tell you, Herr Rumpf, you’d better stop your joking. You may be
quite sure I’ll tell the Herr Professor how you called him a miserable
scoundrel!”
“Have you lotht your wits, Inaddlaw?” shouted Samuel in a tone of
supreme indignation. “The devil! don’t you hear me thay how Wumpf, the
knave, hath locked me in here when I came to thee him, and talk like a
father to him! I thay, don’t keep me waiting! Open the door at onthe!”
“You must take me to be very stupid, Herr Rumpf. The professor was at
my door this moment, and has my word for it that I won’t let you out.
And now I advise you to behave yourself, and stop ringing that bell,
else I’ll take it down, sure as fate!”
“Inaddlaw, I’ll thee to it that you are thent to gaol for depriving me
of my freedom!”
“Now just you listen to me, will you? It’s positively childish this
everlasting imitating of the Herr Professor. There is no denying that
the professor lisps a bit, and pronounces his r’s in a funny way, but
never so long as I knew him was he guilty of such a silly twaddle as
you are indulging in. And now then, for the last time, all I can say
is, be quiet, and conduct yourself like a gentleman----”
“But I wepeat to you, upon my honour, that confounded scoundwel turned
the key behind me, before I knew what he wath about! Inaddlaw! Knave,
ass! You must know me! Have the goodneth to considaw!”
“What? You call me an ass? You call me a knave? I’d have you to know
it’s a question who is the greatest ass or the greatest knave, you or
I! Well I never in all my born days! The impudence! A green boy like
you calling an honest old man an ass! You are an ass yourself! Do you
understand! But you’ll get your deserts!”
“You are an ass and a fool!” moaned Heinzerling in despair. “So you
wefuse to open the door?”
“I’d never think of doing such a thing.”
“Good, vewy good!” groaned the philosopher with a dying voice. “Vewy
good! I’ll stay wight here in the _cawcer_ then! Do you hear, Inaddlaw?
Wight here in the _cawcer_!”
“I am glad to hear you are beginning to come around to common sense.
And now I hope you’ll let me alone. I’ve no more time to listen to your
farce!”
“Inaddlaw!” cried Samuel, getting enraged once more. “Hour by hour
I’ll thit here, do you understand? Hour by hour. Like a thcamp of a
thchoolboy I’ll bear the dithgwace of it! Do you hear me, Inaddlaw?”
“I’m going now. You’d better do your translation.”
“Holy heavens, I’m lothing my weason! Am I cwathy? Man, won’t you look
through the keyhole. Then at leatht you might thee----”
“You don’t catch me. I haven’t forgotten how you blew in my eyes the
other day!”
“Well, then, go to the devil by all meanths. There’s no wawing with
such pawverse thtupidity. Just wait till I come out of thith. You won’t
have thith plathe of _pedell_ much longer, I’ll pwomithe you that!”
Inaddler felt his way downstairs in a very ill humour. This lad Rumpf
was surely the most impertinent fellow he had ever come across. An ass
did he call him? Thunder and lightning! Ever since the decease of Mrs.
Inaddler the like had not occurred to him----!
These miserable schoolboys!
Meanwhile Samuel Heinzerling passed up and down his cell with long
steps. His whole appearance bore a certain resemblance to an African
lion condemned to imprisonment by human sagacity without losing thereby
any of the original pride and strength of his noble nature. His hands
crossed on his back, his head with its grey mane inclined wofully
toward one shoulder, his lips tightly shut--so he walked back and
forth, back and forth, the darkest and most misanthropic thoughts in
his bosom.
Suddenly a broad smile flitted across his features.
“Most abthurd thith ith!” he muttered to himself. “Weally, though thith
ith a very disagweeable affair for me to be in, there ith no denying
the humour of the thituation----”
He stood still.
“Ith there weally any dithgwace in being outwitted by a thchoolboy? Go
to, Thamuel! Did not a thelebrated king hold the ladder faw a thief to
thteal his watch? Wath not even Pwince Bithmarck locked in by wuthless
hands? Not to name a hundred other cases. And thtill hithtory treath
thith king with rethpect. And thtill Bithmarck hath lotht none of hith
reputation ath the betht diplomatitht in Europe. No, no, Thamuel! Your
dignity ath thchool-mathter, ath thitizen, ath philothopher, need not
thuffer by thith mortifying thituation. Retht assured, Thamuel----”
He continued his walk in a self-satisfied mood; but soon he interrupted
himself anew.
“But thothe boyth!” he stammered, turning pale. “When thothe boyth hear
how I wath impwithoned at the _cawcer_! Fearful thought! I might ath
well give up my authowity ath a teacher at onthe. And they _will_ hear
it. There ith no help faw it! Ye godth, ye godth, why do ye thmite me
thus?”
“Herr Professor,” whispered a familiar voice at the door of the cell,
“you are not yet dishonoured. Your authority is as unassailable as
ever----”
“Wumpf!” muttered Samuel; “you godleth fellow you! Open that door, I
thay, thith minute! Conthider your earth boxed! Conthider yourthelf
expelled!”
“Herr Professor, I’ve come to save you! Do not insult me!”
“To thave me? What impertinenthe! Open the door, or I’ll----”
“Will you hear me speak, Herr Professor? I assure you all will end
well.”
Samuel considered.
“Vewy well,” he said at last; “I’ll condethend to hear you. Thpeak----”