"I am glad to inform you that a Special Order ... guarantees
your admission to this Regiment on your release from the Postal
Service.... If attested and passed into Class A for Service, you
should apply to your Recruiting Officer, who will post you and
forward you here on an A.F. B. 216."
An appropriate and convenient arrangement.
* * * * *
[Illustration: =ERIN TAKES A TURN AT HER OWN HARP.=
WITH MR. PUNCH'S SINCERE GOOD WISHES FOR THE SUCCESS OF THE IRISH
CONVENTION.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: IN HAPPY DAYS TO COME.
_Non-Politician_ (_in remote country-house, to wife on her midnight
return from county town_).
"MABEL, YOU'VE BEEN VOTING."]
* * * * *
=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
_Monday, May 21st_.--Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT complained that a question
of his relating to the prohibition of "dropped scones"--which Captain
BATHURST, that encyclopædia of food-lore, described as falling "under
the same category as the crumpet"--had been addressed to the Ministry
of Munitions instead of the Ministry of Food. It was really a venial
error on the part of the Clerk at the Table, for the modern scone
distinctly suggests a missile of offence, and is much more like a
"crump" than a crumpet. If HINDENBURG were acquainted with our London
tea-shops (_consule_ DEVONPORT) he would never have imagined that his
famous phrase about "biting upon granite" would have any terrors for
the British recruit.
When the PRIME MINISTER read from his manuscripts the proposed
conditions of the Irish Convention--how it must include
representatives not only of political parties, but of Churches, trade
unions, commercial and educational interests, and of _Sinn Fein_
itself; and must be prepared to consider every variety of proposal
that might be brought before it--an Irish colleague whispered to me,
"Sure, the Millennium will be over before we get it."
Nothing could have been handsomer than Mr. REDMOND'S welcome to the
proposal. All he was concerned for, I gathered, was that his Unionist
opponents should be generously represented. Ulster, in the person of
Sir JOHN LONSDALE, made no corresponding advance. He would submit
the proposal to his constituents, but not apparently with letters
commendatory.
I daresay Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN set out with the honest intention of
blessing the Government plan, of which indeed he claims to be the
"onlie begetter." But the sound of his own voice--in its higher
tones painfully provocative--stimulated him to proceed to a dramatic
indictment of his former colleagues. I felt sorry for the prospective
Chairman, charged with the task of attempting to reconcile these
opposites.
Mr. HEALY, cowering beneath the shelter of his ample hat, as Mr.
O'BRIEN'S arms waved windmill-like above him, must have felt like
_Sancho Panza_ when the _Don_ was in an extra fitful mood; but he kept
silence even from good words.
The briefest and most helpful speech of the afternoon came from Sir
EDWARD CARSON, who, while declaring that he would never desert Ulster,
nevertheless made it plain that Ulster on this occasion should take
her place beside the rest of Ireland. Only Mr. GINNELL remained
obdurate. In his ears the Convention sounds "the funeral dirge of the
Home Rule Act."
[Illustration: PESSIMIST'S DESIGN FOR COSTUME OF CHAIRMAN OF IRISH
CONVENTION.]
_Tuesday, May 22_.--If you should happen to see of a Sabbath morning
a stream of official motor-cars leaving London with freights of the
brave and the fair you may be sure they are going on some National
business. Both the War Office and the Admiralty keep log-books, in
which are faithfully entered--I quote Dr. MACNAMARA--"full particulars
of each journey, the number and description of passengers carried and
the amount of petrol consumed." Do not therefore jump to the hasty
and erroneous conclusion that the gallant fellows and their charming
companions are "joy-riding;" such a thing is unknown in Government
circles.
The HOME SECRETARY moved the second reading of the Representation of
the People Bill with a suavity befitting a CAVE of Harmony; and by
the clearness of his exposition very nearly enabled the House to
understand the mysteries of proportional representation, though even
now I should not like to have to describe off-hand the exact working
of "the single transferable vote."
The opponents of the Bill were well-advised in selecting Colonel
SANDERS as their champion. With his jolly round face, bronzed by the
suns of Palestine, he looks the typical agriculturalist. He may, as
he says, have forgotten in the trenches all the old tricks of the
orator's trade, but he has learned some useful new ones, and while
delighting the House with his sporting metaphors struck some shrewd
blows at a measure which he regards as unfair and inopportune.
For almost the first time since the War Lord HUGH CECIL was discovered
in quite his best form. The House rippled with delight at his refusal
to be forcibly fed with a peptonized concoction, prepared by the
SPEAKER'S Conference in the belief that the Mother of Parliaments was
too old and toothless to chew her own victuals. "This Bill is Benger's
Food, and you, Sir, and your Committee are Bengers."
The SOLICITOR-GENERAL'S solid and solemn arguments in favour of the
Bill fell a little flat after this sparkling attack. He should have
said, "The noble Lord reminds me, not for the first time, of GILBERT'S
'Precocious Infant,' who
'Turned up his nose at his excellent pap--
"My friends, it's a tap
Dat is not worf a rap."
(Now this was remarkably excellent pap).'"
_Wednesday, May 23rd_--The Russian officers who adorned the
Distinguished Strangers' Gallery this afternoon must be a little
puzzled by the vagaries of British politics. They had been informed,
no doubt, that the most urgent problem of the day was caused by the
desire of one of the British Isles to manage its own affairs. Yet the
first thing they heard at Westminster was the petition of another of
these Isles--that of Man--begging release from the burden of Home Rule
and demanding representation in the Imperial Parliament. Perhaps this
little incident will help our visitors to appreciate why Englishmen
do not invariably form a just judgment of events in other
countries--Russia, for instance.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Our Win-the-War Garden Suburb Enthusiast_ (_as the
storm bursts_). "MADAM! MADAM! WILL YOU KINDLY PUT DOWN YOUR UMBRELLA?
IT'S KEEPING THE RAIN OFF MY ALLOTMENT."]
* * * * *
=SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.=