_Abigail._ Exquisite poet!
_Dr. A._ I admire his taste.
_Abigail._ Now, dear doctor, I would add one other name to my valuable
collection. You can aid me. Will you? O, say you will--will you? and
take the burden from the heart of a lone orphan.
_Dr. A._ Madam, or miss, I should be very happy to assist you--
_Abigail._ O, rapturous answer! O, noble disciple of Æsculapius! The
lips of the lone orphan will bless you; the tears of the lone orphan
shall bless you; the smiles of the lone orphan--
_Dr. A._ Be calm, be calm. In what way can I assist you?
_Abigail._ You have beneath your roof a noble lady--
_Dr. A._ Eh?
_Abigail._ From a foreign clime. You hold her here in secret. Let me
but get her name in my autograph album, and Abigail Alllove will die
happy.
_Dr. A._ Noble lady? (_Aside._) Another lunatic.
_Abigail._ Yes, the name of "The Duchess of Dublin."
_Dr. A._ The--dickens! Stark, staring mad. My dear young lady, you are
laboring under a hallucination. Go home at once. Call your friends.
_Abigail._ Alas! I have no friends. Did I not tell you I am a lone--
_Dr. A._ Yes, yes; but call in the neighbors, the kind neighbors--
_Abigail._ But the duchess! I must see the duchess. The hopes, the
fears, the life of a lone orphan--
_Dr. A._ Lone orphan, go home; let me alone. I have no duchess, know
no duchess. You are deceived. No, no, dear, go home.
"Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home."
_Abigail._ O, you wretch! You mean, contemptible quack. You have read
my album, my precious volume, and now refuse my request.
_Dr. A._ But, my dear young lady--
_Abigail._ Don't come near me! You've broken the heart of a lone
orphan. You're a base, ungrateful, ugly, miserable pill-box! and I
hope you'll never live to own an autograph album--there! [_Exit, L._
_Dr. A._ Good by, lone orphan. Now there's a case that requires
immediate attention. Poor thing! I ought not to have let her go until
her friends appeared. (_Enter DENNIS, L. Stands in door, beckoning to
DR. ACONITE._) Hallo! who's that?
_Dennis_ (_mysteriously_). Sh! sh! (_Creeps down, C., beckoning to DR.
ACONITE._)
_Dr. A._ Well, what is it?
_Dennis._ It's all right, docther, it's all right.
_Dr. A._ Well. I'm glad to know that, at any rate.
_Dennis._ Yis, I'll not brathe a word. It's from the owld counthry I
am.
_Dr. A._ That's very evident.
_Dennis._ An' it's mysilf that would give the worrld to sit my two
eyes on her. Now, docther, it's a lone widdyer I am, an' would ye's go
for to do me a kindness?
_Dr. A._ To be sure I would.
_Dennis._ Hiven bliss ye! Thin fich her out. Let me faist my eyes on
her beautiful face, her illigant, dignified figure. Let me kiss the
him of her magnificent dress, and hear her swate voice spake the
brogue of the gim of the say.
_Dr. A._ What are you talking about? Who do you want to see?
_Dennis._ You know will what I mane--her grace, the noble, moighty,
illigant "Duchess of Dublin."
_Dr. A._ What? "The Duchess of Dublin?" Out of my house at once, or I
shall do you an injury.
_Dennis._ Faix, you don't mane it. Rob an Irishman of his right to pay
his rispicts to a high-born lady uv his own counthry?
_Dr. A._ Do you see that door?
_Dennis._ Faix, I'm not blind.
_Dr. A._ Then get the other side of it at once. (_Takes cane._) I've
had enough of "The Duchess of Dublin."
_Dennis._ Is that so? Thin I'm the b'y to take her off ye's hands.
_Dr. A._ Will you leave this house?
_Dennis._ To be sure I will, afther I've seen her grace.
_Dr. A._ (_rushes at him with cane_). O, you will have it--will you?
_Dennis_ (_backing to door_). Aisy, docther; I want none uv ye's
medicine. But I'll say the duchess, so I will, wid ye's lave or widout
it. [_Exit, L._
_Dr. A._ Has the whole village gone crazy? or is this some infernal
plot to drive me into hopeless lunacy?
_PLUMPFACE coughs outside, then enters, L._
_Plumpface._ Doctor (_cough_), I thought you were coming to (_cough_)
see me?
_Dr. A._ I'll be there in half an hour, Mr. Plumpface. Business of a
very serious nature has detained me here.
_Plumpface._ Yes (_cough_), I know. She kept you.
_Dr. A._ She--Who do you mean?
_Plumpface._ O (_cough_), it's all right, doctor. I'm in the secret.
(_Cough._) I've seen her; spite of her disguise, I knew her at once.
(_Cough._)
_Dr. A._ Knew her at once? Who, pray?
_Plumpface._ O, you sly dog! (_Cough._) The duchess.
_Dr. A._ Heavens and earth! She here again?
_Plumpface._ She hasn't been away--has she? (_Cough._)
_Dr. A._ Look here, Plumpface. Go home, quick! Go to your room, get
into bed, and don't stir until I get there.
_Plumpface._ What's the matter now?
_Dr. A._ Your case has taken a serious turn. You are going to get rid
of that cough. It's going to your head. You will be mad.
_Plumpface._ Mad? You don't say so! What a horrible idea! I'm afraid
you're right. I haven't coughed for three minutes. O, doctor, is there
no hope?
_Dr. A._ Don't stop to talk. Get home at once. (_Pushes him out of
door, L._) Run for your life. How he goes! The exercise will do his
lungs good; but his head, poor fellow! He's got the duchess fever.
_Enter OLDBUCK, L._
_Oldbuck._ I say, doctor, what's the matter with Plumpface? I met him,
running. Is there a fire anywhere?
_Dr. A._ Yes, very near him--in his head. It has been turned.
_Oldbuck._ You don't say so. By what, pray?
_Dr. A._ By "The Duchess of Dublin."
_Oldbuck._ Egad! she's enough to turn anybody's head. But I say,
doctor, how is she?
_Dr. A._ What?
_Oldbuck._ I'm mightily interested in her. How's she getting along?
I've seen her, too.
_Dr. A._ O, this is too much. Oldbuck, look at that foot.
_Oldbuck._ What's the matter?
_Dr. A._ It's swelling fearfully. A dangerous symptom. It must be kept
down. (_Steps on his foot._)
_Oldbuck._ O, murder! Confound you, what are you doing?
_Dr. A._ Keeping down the swelling. (_Steps again._)
_Oldbuck._ O! Do you want to murder me?
_Dr. A._ (_steps again. OLDBUCK avoids him, and runs round stage,
crying out_). I tell you, there's no other way. (_Steps._) Get home,
quick! (_Steps._) Quick! If the swelling continues (_steps_) 'twill
reach a vital part. (_Steps._) Go home! (_OLDBUCK runs out, L., crying
out._) He's gone. No more practice to-day. (_Locks door._) O, that
infernal duchess! She's nearly driven me mad, mad, mad! (_Sinks into
chair._)
_Enter ANNIE, R._
_Annie._ O, brother, what does it all mean? The yard is filled with
people.
_Enter MAGGIE, R., with broom._
_Maggie._ And the fince is covered wid bys, roosting loike so many
hins. I'll have them off, jist. (_Goes, L._)
_Dr. A._ Stop! Don't open that door. My life's in danger if you open
that door. (_Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the duchess!"_) O,
Lord! the whole village has got it--and got it bad. O, Annie, if you
love me, send for Dr. Allopath, send for Judge Busted, or I am
completely busted.
_Annie._ Brother, are you sick? What does this mean?
_Enter FRANK and LUCY, R._
_Frank._ It means fame, fortune. O, it's glorious!
_Dr. A._ Glorious to have your front yard filled with a howling,
yelling pack? Hear that. (_Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the
duchess!"_)
_Frank._ O, that's all right.
_Dr. A._ (_jumping up_). All right! And perhaps 'twas all right when I
saw you a half hour ago with your arms around my affianced bride.
_Annie._ You did? O, Frank, how could you?
_Frank._ It's all right, I tell you. (_Shouts outside, as before._) I
can explain. But, in the mean time, we've work before us. Here, Lucy,
just throw that cloud around your head so your eyes alone will be
visible. (_She does so._) That's good. Now, doctor, give Lucy your
arm.
_Dr. A._ But I would like to know--
_Frank._ So you shall. In the mean time unhesitatingly obey me. Your
professional reputation is at stake. Give Lucy your arm, go up stairs,
open the window, step out upon the balcony, and gracefully bow to the
assembled people. (_Shouts as before._)
_Dr. A._ Yes, but this proceeding--
_Lucy._ Is strictly proper. Depend upon it, Adam, there is no other
way.
_Dr. A._ If there is no other way, will you be kind enough to tell me
what this way is?
_Lucy._ Right up stairs. Come.
_Dr. A._ But what is it about?
_Lucy._ About time we were up stairs--so come along.
[_Exit, DR. ACONITE and LUCY, R._
_Annie._ Now, Mr. Frank Friskey, I should like to know--
_Frank._ Hush! (_Goes to door, L. Shouts as before._) I hear them
above. Now he opens the window. Good. (_Outside shouts, "Hurrah!
hurrah! hurrah!"_) Splendid!
_Alice._ Will you oblige me--(_Outside shouts, "Hurrah! hurrah!
hurrah!"_)
_Frank._ Good, good! Ah, now he's shutting the window.
_Maggie._ 'Pon my sowl, is it the prisident?
_Frank._ The crowd is breaking up. (_Knock at door, L._)
_Enter DR. ACONITE and LUCY, R._
_Dr. A._ Will anybody, male or female, be kind enough to look in my
face, and tell me if I am Adam Aconite, or if I am not Acom Adamite.
_Frank._ I'll be back in a minute. (_Runs off, R._)
_Maggie._ Sure it's the most mysterious mystery that iver took place.
It bates the deluge, sure. (_Knock at door, L._)
_Lucy._ Shall I open the door, doctor?
_Dr. A._ No--yes--don't mind me. I'm not myself. I'm out of my head.
I'm mad, mad, mad! (_Sinks into chair._)
_Annie._ O, brother! isn't this terrible? (_Knock, L._)
_Maggie._ Bedad, there'll be a breakdown at that door, or I'm
mistaken. (_Opens door. OLDBUCK, SHARPSET, PLUMPFACE, and DENNIS
tumble in on floor._) Troth, is that a pelite way to inter the house?
(_They pick themselves up._)
_Oldbuck._ Introduce me, doctor.
_Plumpface._ No; me first, doctor.
_Sharpset._ I'll hold to my bargain.
_Dennis._ Presint me, docther.
_Maggie_ (_swinging her broom round her head_). Shoo! Away wid ye's!
Don't you say the docther's sick? (_They fall back._)
_Dr. A._ (_rising_). Gentlemen, I am at your mercy. An hour ago I was
the possessor of a noble intellect. Now, I am like the reed shaken by
the blast. To whom shall I present you?
_Oldbuck_, _Plumpface_, _Sharpset_, _Dennis_. "The Duchess of Dublin."
_Dr. A._ "Monsieur Tonson come again." (_Sinks into chair._)
_Maggie._ "The Duchess of Dublin." O, be aisy wid yer nonsinse. Sure
there's nobody here that answers to that name at all at all.
_Enter FRANK, R._
_Frank._ No, because her grace has just been driven away in her own
carriage. I had the honor of bringing her here; I have had the honor
to conduct her from this place, and to receive her thanks for the able
manner in which she has been treated by Dr. Aconite.
_Dr. A._ (_comes down, C._). Have you been taken, too, Frank? Alas!
poor fellow!
_Frank._ O, it's all right! Listen to me. Annie! Lucy! (_Beckons to
them. They come down, C. OLDBUCK, PLUMPFACE, SHARPSET, and DENNIS come
down._) Your pardon, gentlemen, a little family secret.
_Maggie_ (_swings her broom around her head_). Shoo! Ye are
trespassing, d'ye mind! (_They retire._)
_Frank._ Doctor, for all the trouble you have endured to-day, I, and I
alone, am to blame. We are all interested in your success, and, to
insure that success, Lucy and I put our heads together.
_Dr. A._ And your arms about each other--yes.
_Frank._ And concocted a scheme which has succeeded admirably.
(_OLDBUCK, PLUMPFACE, SHARPSET, and DENNIS look at each other, then
stealthily approach, C._)
_Maggie_ (_flourishing broom_). Shoo! Away wid ye's! Have ye's no
manners, ye hathens?
_Frank._ You have your hands full of patients now, from the fact that
it has leaked out that you had under your charge a high-born lady. You
know that one good customer will attract others. Your success is
assured, and our happiness, I trust, not in the distance, as it
appeared to be an hour ago.
_Dr. A._ And you have deceived the trusty public, and given me
position by a lie.
_Frank._ No, for "The Duchess of Dublin" is still under your roof.
Have you forgotten the title I gave to Maggie? and she certainly was
your patient.
_Dr. A._ I never thought of that, Frank. I owe you much. But if ever
you attempt another such trick--
_Frank._ But I shan't. This one will give me a wife (_takes ANNIE'S
hand_), and there will be no more mischief in me.
_Dr. A._ Lucy, what have you to say for yourself?
_Lucy._ O, I'm delighted. It brings our wedding day so much nearer.
_Dr. A._ Well, I suppose I must be satisfied then. Gentlemen (_all
come down R. and L._), I have rather neglected my business to-day,
but, having such a mysterious patient, I think you will pardon me. I
intend, in the future, to give my attention strictly to village
practice.
_Oldbuck._ It's all right, doctor. I'm proud to have as my physician a
gentleman who has been the medical attendant of so distinguished a
personage.
_Plumpface._ Yes, indeed, you've sent my cough off in a hurry, just by
your advice; and if you can keep it from my head--
_Dr. A._ No fear, Mr. Plumpface. I'll cure your head in short order.
_Sharpset._ Say, doctor, can't you give me the address of the lady?
I'll make her a splendid offer to take a position in my Living
Curiosity Gallery.
_Dr. A._ No, that would be betraying profound secrecy.
_Dennis._ Sacrecy, is it? Be jabers, it's no sacret that she's gone.
Ye've a sthrong lift in the profession, and I've a mind to engage ye's
to docther the nine childer, if ye'll make the fays conform to the
size uv thim.
_Enter ABIGAIL, L._
_Abigail._ And has she gone? and am I bereft of her autograph? O,
cruel doctor! to so basely deceive a lone orphan--
_Dr. A._ Now don't! Say no more about it, my dear miss--madam. It was
a mistake. If you will pardon me, I will endeavor to obtain for you
the autograph of the king of the Cannibal Islands, in red ink, made
from the blood of a missionary.
_Abigail._ Will you? O, then I forgive you, with all my heart.
_Dr. A._ (_to audience_). Ladies and gentlemen, you have witnessed the
success of Dr. Aconite during the last half hour in obtaining
patients. It may possibly occur to you that they have been obtained by
false pretences. But am I to blame? Maggie, come here. (_MAGGIE comes
down L. of DR. ACONITE._) I am seeking patients, and want a good
recommendation. What can you say for me?
_Maggie._ Sure, ye's the illigant docther, so ye are, an' it's a
plisure to be sick wid the chance of being cured or kilt by the loikes
uv ye's.
_Dr. A._ You hear what she says. Can I hope for your support? Will you
become my regular patients? If you will, it shall be my endeavor to
serve you well; and you know I can bring a high recommendation from no
less a personage than her grace, "The Duchess of Dublin."
_Situations._
R. LUCY. DR. ACONITE. L.
ANNIE. MAGGIE.
FRANK. ABIGAIL.
OLDBUCK. SHARPSET.
DENNIS. PLUMPFACE.
CURTAIN.