* * * * *
Absolutely True.
For the last fifty years or so the metaphysical thinkers of Germany have
been engaged in seeking for the Absolute. From present indications it
would seem as though they are about to find it--where perhaps they least
expected it--in the imperial reign of King WILLIAM, aided and abetted by
Count VON BISMARCK.
* * * * *
"THE RIGHT PARTY."
A few days ago PUNCHINELLO officially announced his adhesion to the
Right Party.
PUNCHINELLO hadn't the slightest idea which party was the right one, but
thought that, as some party must be right, he could not go very for
wrong. But mark the _denouement_. Every party imagines itself the right
party, and welcomes him joyfully to its bosom. Republicans love him,
Independents worship him, while Democrats would endure even the
Fifteenth Amendment for his sake. In order to reciprocate their
sentiments Mr. P. would have to resolve himself into a kind of
Demo-Independent-Republican, which he has no idea of doing. Here's what
some of the "organs" say of him:
_The Sun_.
"We hail with joy the accession of PUNCHINELLO to the ranks of
independent journalism as embodied in the _Sun_, with a circulation of
over 100,000, CHAS. B. DANA Editor, price two cents. Reinforced by this
powerful journal, we shall continue with renewed vigor to demand of
HORACE GREELEY his reasons why J.C. BANCROFT DAVIS should not be removed
from the Assistant Secretaryship of State. We shall persevere in our
attempts to make Gen. GRANT understand that to move four and a half
inches from the White House is an infraction of the Constitution.
Regardless of the tears of the thousands of advertisers who carry their
announcements to our office, we shall devote our entire space to the
vilifying of BORIE, FISH, the _Disreputable Times and False Reporting
Tribune_. Those elaborate attacks upon moral corruption and the Erie
Ring, for which we have become famous, will remain specialties with us.
All this by PUNCHINELLO'S aid. Bully for PUNCHINELLO."
_The Tribune_.
"The moral influence of this paper, which retains the only correspondent
at the seat of war, and whose dispatches, procured at a cost of over
$2,000,000, are copied by the _Herald_, _Sun_ and _World_,--(and whoever
denies it lies damnably, with intent to malign, etc.,)--the moral
influence of this paper is rapidly extending itself throughout the
country. As a late instance, we note that PUNCHINELLO has given in its
adhesion to the only true and pure republican agricultural party, which
it appropriately names the "Right Party." PUNCHINELLO was once a
frivolous, good-for-nothing sheet, devoted to low jokes and witticisms.
The conversion of its editor to the temperance cause is the reason of
the recent change in its tenets. We bid it God speed."
_The World_.
"As the irrefutable and all-enduring truths of Democracy receive
exemplification in contemporaneous events, the reflecting and refined
masses of this city purchase the _World_ in preference to that decrepit
and fast decaying sheet, the _Herald_. PUNCHINELLO, recognizing with
ethereal foresight the exigencies of the situation, proclaims itself for
the "Right Party"--our party. We welcome with acclamation this valuable
addition to the Democratic ranks."
_The Star_.
"PUNCHINELLO has joined the Right Party, by which he obviously means the
_Star_, whose circulation last Sunday exceeded 375,005 copies.
"But this has nothing to do with the domestic policy of the Peruvians,
as expounded by the first CAESAR.
"PUNCHINELLO will prove a pillar of strength to Tammany Hall, unless the
siege of Paris should prove disastrous to the consumption of lager-bier,
as set forth in 'Boiled for her Bones' and other tales by the best
authors."
But Personals, my dear _Star_, Personals are the things that pay. If
thus, why not? As thus:
"EDITOR OF PUNCHINELLO. The Editor of PUNCHINELLO has an income of about
$500,000. He usually dines at the Hoffman House when out of State's
Prison. He owns some fine lots somewhere underneath the East River,
besides a brown stone front in Alaska."
"PUBLISHER OF PUNCHINELLO. This gentleman's income does not exceed
$350,000 per annum. He expends it principally in beautifying his
delightful summer residence in Mackerelville. It has been his misfortune
to pass many years of his life in a lunatic asylum, the unhappy result
of organizing plans for American Comic Papers. All is joy and peace with
him now, however; he looks hopefully forward to the time when
PUNCHINELLO shall have attained to his legitimate rank of the Foremost
Journal in the Nation. Meanwhile he lunches daily at a leading
restaurant on thirteen oysters, (a dozen and one over) with vinegar,
pepper and a bottle of Bass."
* * * * *
"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE."
MR. PUNCHINELLO: I fancy myself a victim of imposition, and I wish to
place my case before you. Having, for a period of six months, "honorably
and persistently," (to use the language of my friends,) held the office
of third Deputy-Assistant Register of Caramels, in and for the city and
county of New York, my associates in office and my friends in general
have determined to present me with a testimonial of their distinguished
regards. Accordingly, they have ordered a massive and handsomely
engraved pair of silver tongs, and a splendid silver fire-shovel. This
is all very well, so far, but the committee informed me yesterday that
the shovel and tongs would cost four hundred and twenty-five dollars,
and that, as only eight dollars and a half had been collected, it was
considered highly important that I should immediately hand over the
balance of the price, in order that the presentation and banquet, (to
take place at my house on next Saturday evening,) might not be
postponed, to the great disappointment of my associates in office and my
friends in general.
Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, is not this a little hard on me? I know very well
that it is customary for the recipients of testimonials to pay
three-quarters of the cost of the present, and I am perfectly willing to
abide by this custom; but forty-nine fiftieths is, I think, rather too
heavy, especially as my house is heated by a furnace in the cellar and I
have no use for a shovel and tongs--particularly silver ones.
Yours perturbedly, A. DOANE KNEA.
* * * * *
Roaming Troops.
The Italians in this country are very jubilant over the occupation of
Rome by the army of Italy. But people of other nations hereabouts are
not so much elated about the occupation of Roam in which the numerous
troops of Italian organ-grinders are engaged.
* * * * *
Subject for a Debating Society.
Can a couple who have contracted a clandestine marriage be properly said
to be carrying out their clandestiny?
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CHEERFUL PROSPECT.
THE MORNING HAVING BEEN BRIGHT AND CLEAR, MR. DEBOOTS DECIDED TO AVAIL
HIMSELF OF AN INVITATION TO SPEND THE DAY IN THE COUNTRY. HE ARRIVES AT
THE STATION, AND HAS A MILE TO WALK.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: COMFORTING ASSURANCES.
_H. Greeley and G. W. Curtis, together._ "OHO! LITTLE WOODFORD; AIN'T
YOU GOING TO BE LICKED, NEITHER!--WON'T YOU GET YOUR EYES BLACKED, AND
YOUR NOSE SMASHED, AND YOUR TEETH BROKE!--AIN'T I GLAD I AIN'T THE ONE
AS HAS GOT TO FIGHT BIG JOHNNY HOFFMAN!"]
* * * * *