SHEPPARD LEE.
WRITTEN BY HIMSELF.
"Let these shine now that never shone before,
And those that always shone now shine the more."
Advertisement to Hunt's Blacking.
IN TWO VOLUMES.
VOL. I.
NEW-YORK:
HARPER & BROTHERS, CLIFF-ST.
1836.
CONTENTS OF THE FIRST VOLUME.
BOOK I.
CONTAINING INSTRUCTIONS HOW TO SPEND AND HOW TO
RETRIEVE A FORTUNE.
CHAPTER I.
The Author's Preface--which the reader, if in a
hurry, or if it be his practice to read against
time, can omit.
CHAPTER II.
The birth and family of Sheppard Lee, with some
account of his temper and complexion of mind.
CHAPTER III.
The pleasures of having nothing to
do.--thoughts on matrimony.
CHAPTER VI.
How to conduct a farm to the best advantage,
and steer clear of the lawyers.
CHAPTER V.
The Author finds himself in trouble.--Some
account of his servant, honest James Jumble.
CHAPTER VI.
Sheppard Lee experiences his share of
the respect that is accorded to "honest
poverty."--His ingenious and highly original
devices to amend his fortune.
CHAPTER VII.
The Author becomes a Politician, and seeks for
an office.--The result of that project.
CHAPTER VIII.
A description of the Owl-roost, with Mr.
Jumble's ideas in relation to Captain Kid's
money.
CHAPTER XI.
Sheppard Lee stumbles upon a happy man, and
quarrels with him.
CHAPTER X.
Sheppard Lee has an extraordinary dream, which
promises to be more advantageous than any of
his previous ones.
CHAPTER XI.
In which the reader is introduced to a
personage who may claim his acquaintance
hereafter.
CHAPTER XII.
Sheppard Lee visits the village, makes a
patriotic speech, and leaves the fence.
CHAPTER XIII.
What befell the Author on his way to the
Owl-roost.. Sheppard Lee digs for the buried
treasure, and makes a blow with the mattock in
the wrong place.
CHAPTER XIV.
In which Sheppard Lee finds himself in a
quandary, which the reader will allow to be the
most wonderful and lamentable ever known to a
human being.
CHAPTER XV.
Sheppard Lee finds comfort when he least
expects it.--The extraordinary close of the
catastrophe.
CHAPTER XVI.
A natural mistake, which, although it procures
the Author a rough reception at his own
house, has yet the good, effect to teach him
the propriety of adapting his manners to his
condition.
BOOK II.
CONTAINING SUNDRY ILLUSTRATIONS OF THE
ADVANTAGES OF GOOD LIVING, WITH A FEW CHAPTERS
ON DOMESTIC FELICITY.
CHAPTER I.
Some passages in the life of John H. Higginson,
Esq., the happy sportsman, with a surprising
affliction that befell the Author.
CHAPTER II.
The Author, being in prison, makes a
confidant of a deputy attorney-general.--The
inconvenience of telling a truth which happens
to be somewhat incredible.
CHAPTER III.
Sheppard Lee is visited by new friends,
released from prison, and carried to his new
place of abode.
CHAPTER IV.
Containing illustrations of the advantages
of dying an unusual death in times of high
political excitement.
CHAPTER VI.
The true meaning of the word Podagra.
CHAPTER VII.
Sheppard Lee's introduction to his wife,
and his suspicion that all is not gold that
glistens.
CHAPTER VIII.
A comparison between dunning and scolding, with
some thoughts on suicide.
CHAPTER IX.
Sheppard Lee forms sundry acquaintances, some
of which are genteel.
CHAPTER X.
The Author grows weary of his wife, and
mistakes the river Schuylkill for the river
Lethe.--The tragical adventure that befell a
young gentleman in that romantic tide, with its
effects upon the destinies of Sheppard Lee.
BOOK III.
CONTAINING MUCH THAT WILL BE INTERESTING TO
YOUNG GENTLEMEN IN DEBT, AND TO FATHERS OF
FAMILIES WHO DESIRE TO HAVE THEIR CHILDREN RISE
IN THE WORLD.
CHAPTER I.
The inconveniences of being drowned.--The first
chapter of the history of I. D. Dawkins, Esq.
CHAPTER II.
A conversation betwixt the Author and his bosom
friend, John Tickle, Esq.
CHAPTER III.
In which Sheppard Lee is prepared for the
brilliant destiny that awaits him.
CHAPTER IV.
In which Sheppard Lee has an interview with a
lady, who tells him a secret.
CHAPTER V.
An inventory of a young gentleman's effects,
with some account of Mr. Sniggles, his
landlord.
CHAPTER VI.
Sheppard Lee hears news of his uncle, and Mr.
Sniggles is brought to his senses.
CHAPTER VII.
In which Sheppard Lee is told his history.
CHAPTER VIII.
A conversation with a tailor.--Sheppard Lee
finds himself in a situation truly appalling.
CHAPTER IX.
The Author receives a visit from his uncle,
Samuel Wilkins, Esq., and is relieved from his
tormentors.
CHAPTER X.
Some account of Sheppard Lee's country
kinsmen.
CHAPTER XI.
Containing a morsel of metaphysics, with a
short account of the Author's experience in
good society.
CHAPTER XII.
Sheppard Lee makes the acquaintance of his
cousin, Miss Pattie Wilkins.
CHAPTER XIII.
A farther account of Miss Pattie Wilkins.
CHAPTER XIV.
A short chapter, containing an account of the
Author's cousin, Samuel Wilkins, Jr..
CHAPTER XV.
In which Sheppard Lee visits Mr. Periwinkle
Smith and his fair daughter, and is intrusted
with a secret which both astonishes and
afflicts him.
CHAPTER XVI.
Containing much instructive matter in relation
to good society, whereby the ambitious reader
can determine what are his prospects of
entering it.
CHAPTER XVII.
In which Sheppard Lee relates the passion
he conceived for his fair cousin, and his
engagement to elope with her.
CHAPTER XVIII.
In which Sheppard Lee recounts an engagement of
a similar nature which he formed with the fair
Alicia.
CHAPTER XIX.
The ingenious devices with which Sheppard Lee
prepared the way for his elopement.
CHAPTER XX.
The guests that Sheppard Lee invited to his
wedding.
CHAPTER XXI.
Containing a dialogue, or curious conversation
with nothing; with a discovery extremely
astonishing to several persons.
CHAPTER XXII.
In which Sheppard Lee finds that he has made
the fortune of his friends, without having
greatly advantaged his own.
CHAPTER XXIII.
A crisis.--Sheppard Lee is reduced to great
extremities, and takes refuge in the house of
mourning.
CHAPTER XXIV.
What happened in the dead-chamber.--The dirge
of a wealthy parent.
BOOK IV.
CONTAINING ILLUSTRATIONS OF THE FOLLY OF
BRINGING UP CHILDREN IN THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO,
AND THE WISDOM OF MAKING A FORTUNE.
CHAPTER I.
The private history of Abram Skinner, the
shaver.
CHAPTER II.
Sheppard Lee's first hit at money-making.
CHAPTER III.
Reflections on stock-jobbing and other
matters.
SHEPPARD LEE.
BOOK I.
CONTAINING INSTRUCTIONS HOW TO SPEND AND HOW TO RETRIEVE A FORTUNE.
CHAPTER I.
THE AUTHOR'S PREFACE,--WHICH THE READER, IF IN A GREAT HURRY, OR IF IT
BE HIS PRACTICE TO READ AGAINST TIME, CAN SKIP.
I have often debated in my mind whether I should give to the world,
or for ever lock up within the secrecy of my own breast, the history
of the adventures which it has been my lot in life to experience. The
importance of any single individual in society, especially one so
isolated as myself, is so little, that it can scarcely be supposed
that the community at large can be affected by his fortunes, either
good or evil, or interested in any way in his fate. Yet it sometimes
happens that circumstances conspire to elevate the humblest person
from obscurity, and to give the whole world an interest in his
affairs; and that man may safely consider himself of some value in his
generation, whose history is of a character to instruct the ignorant
and inexperienced. Such a man I consider myself to be; and the more
I reflect upon my past life, the more I am convinced it contains a
lesson which may be studied with profit; while, at the same time,
if I am not greatly mistaken, the lesson will be found neither dry
nor repulsive, but here and there, on the contrary, quite diverting.
The psychologist (I hate big words, but one cannot do without them)
and the metaphysician will discover in my relation some new subjects
for reflection; and so perhaps will the doctor of medicine and the
physiologist: but while I leave these learned gentlemen to discuss what
may appear most wonderful in my revealments, I am most anxious that the
common reader may weigh the value of what is, at least in appearance,
more natural, simple, and comprehensible.
It will be perceived that many of the following adventures are of a
truly extraordinary character. There are some men--and to such my story
will seem incredible enough--who pride themselves on believing nothing
that they do not know, and who endeavour, very absurdly, to restrict
the objects of belief to those that admit of personal cognizance. There
are others again who boast the same maxim, but have a more liberal
understanding of the subjects of knowledge, and permit themselves
to believe many things which are susceptible of satisfactory proof,
but not of direct cognition. Now I must declare beforehand, in order
to avoid all trouble, that, from the very nature of the life I have
led, consisting of the strangest transitions and vicissitudes, it is
impossible I should have laid up proofs to satisfy any one of the truth
of my relation who is disposed to be incredulous. If any one should
say, "I doubt," all the answer I could make would be, "Doubt, and be
hanged,"--not, however, meaning any offence to anybody; though it is
natural one should be displeased at having his veracity questioned.
I write for the world at large, which is neither philosophic nor
skeptical; and the world will believe me: otherwise it is a less
sensible world than I have all along supposed it to be.
CHAPTER II.
THE BIRTH AND FAMILY OF SHEPPARD LEE, WITH SOME ACCOUNT OF HIS TEMPER
AND COMPLEXION OF MIND.
I was born somewhere towards the close of the last century,--but,
the register-leaf having been torn from the family Bible, and no one
remaining who can give me information on the point, I am not certain as
to the exact year,--in the State of New-Jersey, in one of the oldest
counties that border upon the Delaware river. My father was a farmer
in very good circumstances, respectable in his degree, but perhaps
more famous for the excellent sausages he used to manufacture for the
Philadelphia market, than for any quality of mind or body that can
distinguish one man from his fellows. Taking the hint from his success
in this article of produce, he gradually converted his whole estate
into a market-farm, raising fine fruits and vegetables, and such
other articles as are most in demand in a city; in which enterprise
he succeeded beyond his highest expectations, and bade fair to be,
as in the end he became, a rich man. The only obstacle to a speedy
accumulation of riches was a disproportionate increase in the agents
of consumption,--his children multiplying on his hands almost as fast
as his acres, until he could count eleven in all; a number that filled
him at one time with consternation. He used to declare no apple could
be expected to ripen on a farm where there were eleven children; and
as for watermelons and sugar-corn, it was folly to think of raising
them longer. But fate sent my father relief sooner and more effectually
than he either expected or desired: nine of the eleven being removed
by death in a space of time short of six years. Three (two of whom
were twin sisters) were translated in the natural way, falling victims
to an epidemic, and were buried in the same grave. A fourth was soon
after killed by falling out of an apple-tree. My eldest brother, then a
boy of fourteen years old, upon some freak, ran away from home (for he
was of a wild, madcap turn), and, getting into an oyster-boat, made a
voyage into the bay, where he was lost; for, having fallen overboard,
and not being able to swim, a clumsy fellow, who thought to save him
in that way, clutched him round the neck with a pair of oyster-tongs,
and thereby strangled him. Two others were drowned in a millpond, where
they were scraping for snapping-turtles. Another, who was the wag of
the family, was killed by attempting to ride a pig, which, running
in great alarm through a broken fence into the orchard, dashed his
brains out against a white-oak rail; and the ninth died of a sort of
hysterical affection, caused by this unlucky exploit of his brother;
for he could not cease laughing at it, notwithstanding its melancholy
termination, and he died of the fit within twenty-four hours.
Thus, in a few years, there remained but two of all the eleven
children,--to wit, my oldest sister Prudence and myself. My mother
(from whom I had my Christian name Sheppard, that being her maiden
name) died several years before this last catastrophe, her mind having
been affected, and indeed distracted, by so many mournful losses
occurring in such rapid succession. She fell into a deep melancholy,
and died insane.
Being one of the youngest children, I grieved but little for the loss
of my brothers and sisters; nor was I able to appreciate the advantage
which, in a worldly point of view, their death must prove to me. My
father, however, perceived the difference; for, having now so few to
look after and be chargeable to him, he could with great propriety
consider himself a rich man. He immediately resolved, as I was now his
only son, that I should have a good education; and it was not his fault
if, in this particular, I fell short of his expectations. I was sent
to good schools, and, in course of time, was removed to the college at
Nassau Hall, in Princeton, where I remained during three years; that
is, until my father's decease; when I yielded to the natural indolence
of my temper, and left the college, or rather (for I had formed no
resolution on the subject) procrastinated my return from day to day,
until it was too late to return.
My natural disposition was placid and easy,--I believe I may say
sluggish. I was not wanting in parts, but had as little energy or
activity of mind as ever fell to the share of a Jerseyman; and how
my father ever came to believe I should make a figure in the world,
I cannot conceive, unless it was because he knew he had a fortune to
leave me, and saw me safely lodged in a college. It is very certain he
encouraged a strong belief that I should one day be a great man; and,
I fancy, it was for this reason he showed himself so favourable to me
in his will. He left me the bulk of his property, bestowing upon my
sister, who had recently married, little beyond a farm which he had
purchased in a neighbouring county, but which was a valuable one, and
quite satisfied her husband.
But my father was a better judge of sausages than of human character.
Besides being deficient, as I humbly confess, in all those qualities
that are necessary to the formation of a great man, I had not the
slightest desire to be one. Ambition was a passion that never afflicted
my mind; and I was so indifferent to the game of greatness which was
playing around me, that, I seriously declare, there was a President
of the United States elected to office, and turned out again, after
having served his regular term, without my knowing any thing about it.
I had not even the desire, so common to young men who find themselves
in possession of a fortune, to launch out into elegant expenses, to
dash about the country with fine horses, servants, and clothes, and
to play the spendthrift in cities. On the contrary, I no sooner found
myself arrived at my majority, which was a few months after my father's
death, than I sat down very quietly on the farm, resolved to take the
world easily; which I supposed I might easily do. I had some idea of
continuing to conduct the estate, as my father had done before me; but
it was a very vague one; and having made one or two efforts to bear
myself like a man of business, I soon found the effort was too tiresome
for one of my disposition; and I accordingly hired an overseer to
manage the property for me.
CHAPTER III.
THE PLEASURES OF HAVING NOTHING TO DO.--SOME THOUGHTS ON MATRIMONY.
Having thus shuffled the cares of business from my shoulders to
another's, my time began to weigh a little heavily on my hands, and I
cast about for some amusement that might enable me to get rid of it. As
there was great abundance of small game, such as quails, partridges,
and rabbits, in the neighbourhood, I resolved to turn sportman; and,
in consequence, I bought me a dog and gun, and began to harry the
country with some spirit. But having the misfortune to shoot my dog the
first day, and, soon after, a very valuable imported cow, belonging
to a neighbour, for which I was obliged to pay him enormous damages,
and meeting besides with but little luck, I grew disgusted with the
diversion. My last shot was soon fired; for, having forgotten the
provisions of our game-laws, I killed a woodcock too early in the
summer, for which, on the information of a fellow who owed me a grudge,
I was prosecuted, although it was the only bird I ever killed in all my
life, and soundly fined; and this incensed me so much, that I resolved
to have nothing more to do with an amusement that cost so much money,
and threw me into so many difficulties.
I was then at a loss how to pass my time, until a neighbour, who bred
fine horses, persuaded me to buy a pair of blooded colts, and try my
luck on the turf; and this employment, though rather too full of cares
and troubles to suit me exactly, I followed with no little spirit,
and became more proud of my horses than I can well express, until I
came to try them on the race-course, where it was my luck, what with
stakes and betting together, to lose more money in a single day, than
my father had ever made in two years together. I then saw very clearly
that horse-racing was nothing better than gambling, and therefore both
disreputable and demoralizing; for which reason I instantly gave it up,
heartily sick of the losses it had occasioned me.
My overseer, or steward,--for such he may be considered,--whom I always
esteemed a very sensible fellow, for he was shrewd and energetic,
and at least ten years my senior, then advised me, as I was a young
man, with money enough, to travel a little, and see the world: and
accordingly I went to New-York, where I was robbed of my luggage and
money by a villain whose acquaintance I made in the steamboat, and
whom I thought a highly intelligent, gentlemanly personage; though,
as it afterward appeared, he was a professor from Sing-Sing, where he
had been sawing stone for two years, the governor of New-York having
forgiven him, as is the custom, the five other years for which he was
committed for, I believe, a fraud committed on his own father.
This loss drove me home again; but being re-encouraged by my overseer,
I filled my purse and set out a second time, passing up the Hudson
river, with which I was prodigiously pleased, though not with the
Overslaugh, where we stuck fast during six hours. I then proceeded
to Saratoga, where I remained for two weeks, on account of its being
fashionable; but, I declare to Heaven, I was never so tired of any
place in my life. I then went to Niagara, which, in spite of the great
noise it made, I thought the finest place in the world; and there, I
think, I should have continued all summer, had it not been for the
crowds of tiresome people that were eternally coming and going, and
the great labour of climbing up and down the stairs. However, I was so
greatly pleased with what I saw, both at Niagara and along the way,
that I should have repeated my travels in after years, as the most
agreeable way of passing time, had it not been for the dangers and
miseries of such enterprises; for, first, the coaches were perpetually
falling over, or sticking in the mud, or jolting over stones, so that
one had no security of life or limb; and, secondly, the accommodations
at the inns along the road were not to my liking, the food being cooked
after the primitive systems of Shem, Ham, and Japheth, and the beds
stuck together in the rooms as if for boys at a boarding-school. It
is possible that these things are better ordered now; but, from what
I have since seen and heard, I am of opinion there is a fine field
for cooks, carpenters, and chamber-maids, in the agricultural regions
of America. In those days I loved ease and comfort too well to submit
to such evils as could be avoided; and, accordingly, after a little
experience in the matter, I ceased travelling altogether, the pleasures
bearing no sort of proportion to the discomforts.
My time still weighing upon my hands, I was possessed with a sudden
idea (which my steward, however, endeavoured to combat), namely,
that the tedium of my existence might be dispelled by matrimony; and
I resolved to look around me for a wife. After much casting about,
I fixed my eyes upon a young lady of the village (for I must inform
the reader that my farm was on the skirts of a village, and a very
respectable one too, although there were many lazy people in it), who,
I thought, was well fitted to make me comfortable; and as she did not
seem averse to my first advances, I began to be quite particular, until
all the old women in the country declared it was a match, and all the
young fellows of my own age, as well as all the girls I knew, became
extremely witty at my expense. These things, however, rather encouraged
me than otherwise; I believed I was advancing my happiness by the
change I contemplated in my condition; and I was just on the point of
making formal proposals to the young lady, when an accident set me to
considering the enterprise entirely in a new light.
My charmer lived in the house of a married sister, who had a large
family of children,--a pack of the most ill-bred imps, I verily
believe, that were ever gathered together in any one man's house; but,
for politeness' sake, during the first weeks of my courtship, the young
sinners were kept out of my way, and, what with cuffing and feeding
with sugarplums, were preserved in some sort of order, so that I was
not annoyed by them. After a while, however, and when matters had
proceeded some length, it was thought unnecessary to treat me longer
as a stranger; the children were suffered to take care of themselves;
and the consequence was, that, in a short time, I found myself in a
kind of Pandemonium whenever I entered the house, with such a whining,
and squeaking, and tumbling, and bawling, and fighting among the young
ones, as greatly discomposed my nerves; and, to make the matter worse,
the mother made no difficulty at times, when the squabbling grew to a
height, of taking a switch to one, and boxing the ears of another, and
scolding roundly at a third, to reduce them to order; and all this in
my presence, and under the nose of my charmer.
I began to fancy the married life could not be altogether so agreeable
as I had pictured it to my imagination; and in this belief I was
confirmed by a visit to my sister, who had three children of her own,
all of whom, as I now perceived (for I had not noticed it before,
having no particular inducement to make me observant), were given to
squabbling and bawling, just like other children, while my sister did
her share of boxing and scolding. I thought to myself, "What should _I_
do with a dozen children squeaking all day and night in my house, and a
scolding wife dragooning them into submission?"
The thought disconcerted me, and the fear of such a consummation
greatly chilled the ardour of my affection; so that the young lady,
observing my backwardness, and taking offence at it, cast her eyes upon
another wooer who had made her an offer, and, to my great satisfaction,
married him on the spot.
I was never more relieved in my life, and I resolved to reflect longer
upon the subject before making advances of that nature a second time.
My overseer, who had from the first (for I made him my confidant) been
opposed to the match, on the ground that I ought to enjoy my liberty,
at least until I was thirty, was greatly rejoiced at the rupture, and
swore that I had made a lucky escape; for he had always thought, in his
own mind, that the lady was at bottom, though she concealed it from
me, a Tartar and fire-eater. In this, however, he was mistaken; for,
from all I have heard of her since, she has proved a most amiable and
sweet-tempered woman, and her husband is said to be very happy with her.
CHAPTER IV.
HOW TO CONDUCT A FARM TO THE BEST ADVANTAGE, AND STEER CLEAR OF THE
LAWYERS.
It is not my intention to dwell longer upon the history of this period
of my life, nor to recount in detail how my easy and indolent temper at
last proved the ruin of me. I gave myself up to laziness, neglecting
my affairs to such a degree that they soon became seriously entangled;
and, to make a long story short, I found myself, before I had completed
my twenty-eighth year, reduced from independence, and almost affluence,
to a condition bordering upon actual poverty. My farm, under the
management of Mr. Aikin Jones (for that was my steward's name), went
gradually to ruin; my orchards rotted away, without being replanted; my
meadows were converted into swamps; my corn-fields filled with gullies;
my improvements fell into decay; and my receipts began to run short of
my expenses. Then came borrowing and mortgaging, and, by-and-by, the
sale of _this_ piece of land to remove the encumbrance upon _that_;
until I suddenly found myself in the condition of my father when he
began the world; that is to say, the master of a little farm of forty
acres,--the centre and nucleus of the fifteen hundred which he had
got possession of and bequeathed to me, but which had so soon slipped
through my fingers. There was this difference, however, between us; the
land, when my father obtained it, was in good condition; it was now
(so well had it prospered under Jones's hands) entirely worn out and
empoverished, and not worth a fourth part of its original value.
To add to my chagrin, I discovered that Mr. Aikin Jones, whom I had
treated rather as a friend than servant, had abused my confidence; in
other words, that he was a rogue and villain, who had taken advantage
of my disinclination to business, and my ignorance, as I believe I
must call it, to swindle me out of my property, which he had the best
opportunities to do. Whether he effected his purpose by employing
my own funds or not, I cannot say; but, it is very certain, all the
different mortgages in which I was entangled came, some how or other,
by hook and by crook, into his hands, and he took care to make the
best use of them. In a word, Mr. Jones became a rich man, and I a poor
one; and I had the satisfaction, every day when I took a walk over my
forty-acre farm, as the place was familiarly called, though the true
name was Watermelon Hill, to find myself stopped, which way soever I
directed my steps, by the possessions of Mr. Aikin Jones, my old friend
and overseer, whom I often saw roll by in his carriage, while I was
trudging along through the mud.
At the same time that I met with this heavy misfortune, I had to endure
others that were vexatious enough. My brother-in-law and sister had
their suspicions of Mr. Jones, and often cautioned me against him,
though in vain,--not that I had any very superstitious reliance on the
gentleman's integrity, but because I could not endure the trouble of
examining into his proceedings and accounts, and chose therefore to
believe him honest. This, and my general indolence and indifference to
my affairs, incensed them both to that degree, that my sister did not
scruple to tell me to my face that I had lost all the little sense I
ever possessed; while my brother-in-law took the freedom of saying of
me in public, "that I was _wrong_ in the upper story,"--in other words,
that I was mad; and he had the insolence to hint "that it ran in my
blood,--that I had inherited it from my mother," she, as I mentioned
before, having lost her mind before her decease. I was so much
irritated by these insults on their part, that I quarrelled with them
both, though by no means of a testy or choleric disposition; and it was
many years before we were reconciled. Having therefore neither friends
nor family, I was left to bear my misfortunes alone; which was a great
aggravation of them all.
CHAPTER V.
THE AUTHOR FINDS HIMSELF IN TROUBLE.--SOME ACCOUNT OF HIS SERVANT,
HONEST JAMES JUMBLE.
I have always described myself as of an easy, contented disposition;
and such I was born. But misfortune produces sad changes in our
tempers, as it was soon my lot to experience. Before, however, I
describe the change that took place in mine, it is fit I should let the
reader understand to what condition I was reduced by the perfidy of
Jones,--or, as I should rather say, by my own culpable neglect of my
affairs.
My whole landed possessions consisted of a farm of forty acres, which
I had, after the fashion of some of my richer neighbours in other
states, suffered to fall into the most wretched condition imaginable.
My meadow-lands, being broken in upon by the river, and neglected,
were converted into quagmires, reed-brakes, and cat-tail patches, the
only use of which was to shelter wild-fowl and mire cattle. However,
my live-stock was scanty enough, and the only sufferers were my
neighbours, whose cows easily made their way through my fences, and
stuck fast in the mud at their pleasure. My fields were overgrown
here with mullein and St. John's-wort, and there with sand-burs and
poke-berries. My orchards were in an equally miserable condition,--the
trees being old, rotten, or worm-eaten, half of them torn down by
the winds, and the remainder fit for nothing but fire-wood. My barn
was almost roofless; and as for a stable, I had so little occasion
for one, that my old negro-man Jim, of whom I shall have more to say
hereafter, or his wife Dinah, or both together, thinking they could
do nothing better with it, helped the winds to tear it to pieces,
especially in the winter, when it formed a very convenient wood-pile.
My dwelling-house was also suffering from decay. It was originally a
small frame building; but my father had added to it one portion after
another, until it became spacious; and the large porches in front and
on the rear, gave it quite a genteel, janty air. But this it could not
long keep; the sun and rain gradually drove the white paint from the
exterior, and the damps getting inside, the fine paper-hangings, pied
and spotted, peeled from the walls. The window-frames rotted, and the
glasses left them one after another; and one day in a storm one half
the front porch tumbled down, and the remainder, which I propped up as
well as I could, had a mighty mean and poverty-stricken appearance.
The same high wind carried away one of my chimneys, which, falling on
a corner of the roof, crushed that into the garret, and left one whole
gable-end in ruins.
It must not be supposed that my property presented altogether this
wretched appearance at the moment of my losses. It was in truth bad
enough then; but I am now describing it as it appeared some few years
after, when my miseries were accumulated in the greatest number, and I
was just as poor as I could be.
In all this period of trouble and vexation I had but one friend, if I
dare call him such; though I should have been glad half the time to be
rid of him. This was my negro-man Jim, or Jim Jumble, as he was called,
of whom I spoke before,--an old fellow that had been a slave of my
father, and was left to me in his will. He was a crabbed, self-willed
old fellow, whom I could never manage, but who would have all things
his own way, in spite of me. As I had some scruples of conscience about
holding a slave, and thought him of no value whatever, but, on the
contrary, a great trouble, I resolved to set him free, and accordingly
mentioned my design to him; when, to my surprise, he burst into a
passion, swore he would _not_ be free, and told me flatly I was his
master, and I should take care of him: and the absurd old fool ended by
declaring, if I made him a free man he would have the law of me, "he
would, by ge-hosh!"
I never could well understand the cause of his extreme aversion to
being made free; but I suppose, having got the upper hand of me, and
being wise enough to perceive the difference between living, on the one
hand, a lazy life, without any care whatever, as my slave, and, on the
other, labouring hard to obtain a precarious subsistence as a free man,
he was determined to stick by me to the last, whether I would or not.
Some little affection for me, as I had grown up from a boy, as it were,
under his own eye, was perhaps at the bottom of his resolution; but if
there were, it was of a strange quality, as he did nothing but scold
and grumble at me all day long. I remember, in particular, that, when
the match I spoke of before was broken off, and he had heard of it, he
came to me in a great passion, and insolently asked "what I meant by
courting a wife, who would be a good mistress to him, and not marrying
her?" and, on my condescending to explain the reasons of my change of
mind, he told me plumply, "I had no more sense than a nigger; for women
was women, and children children; and he was tired living so long in a
house with none but me and Massa Jones for company."
I suppose it was old Jim's despair of my ever marrying, that put him
upon taking a wife himself; for one day, not long after I was reduced
to the forty-acre farm, he brought home a great ugly free negro-woman,
named Dinah, whom he installed into the kitchen without the least
ceremony, and without so much as even informing me of his intention.
Having observed her two or three times, and seeing her at last come
bouncing into the dinner-room to wait on me, I asked her who she was,
and what she wanted; to which she answered, "she was Jim's wife, and
Jim had sent her in to take care of me."
It was in this way the old rascal used me. It was in vain to complain;
he gave me to understand in his own language, "He knew what was what,
and there was no possuming an old nigger like him; and if I had made
_him_ overseer, instead of Massa Jones, it would have been all the
better for me."
And, in truth, I believe it would; for Jim would never have cheated
me, except on a small scale; and if he had done no work himself, it is
very certain he would have made everybody else work; for he was a hard
master when he had anybody under him.
I may here observe, and I will do the old fellow the justice
to confess, that I found him exceedingly useful during all my
difficulties. What labour was bestowed upon the farm, was bestowed
almost altogether by him and his wife Dinah. It is true he did just
what he liked, and without consulting me,--planting and harvesting, and
even selling what he raised, as if he were the master and owner of all
things, and laying out what money he obtained by the sales, just as his
own wisdom prompted; and finding I could do nothing better, I even let
him have his own way; and it was perhaps to my advantage that I did.
But I grew poorer and poorer, notwithstanding: and at that period,
which I shall ever be inclined to consider as the true beginning of my
eventful life, I was reduced almost to the point of despair; for my
necessities had compelled me to mortgage the few miserable acres I had
left, and I saw nothing but utter ruin staring me in the face.
CHAPTER VI.
SHEPPARD LEE EXPERIENCES HIS SHARE OF THE RESPECT THAT IS ACCORDED TO
"HONEST POVERTY."--HIS INGENIOUS AND HIGHLY ORIGINAL DEVICES TO AMEND
HIS FORTUNE.
It may be asked, why I made no efforts to retrieve my fortunes? I
answer to that, that I made many, but was so infatuated that I never
once thought of resorting to the most obvious, rational, and only
means; that is to say, of cultivating with industry my forty acres, as
my father had done before me. This idea, so sluggish was my mind, or so
confused by its distresses, never once occurred to me; or if it did,
it presented so many dreary images, and so long a prospect of dull and
disagreeable labour, that I had not the spirit to pursue it. The little
toil I was forced to endure--for my necessities now compelled me at
times to work with my own hands--appeared to me intolerably irksome;
and I was glad to attempt any thing else that seemed to promise me good
luck, and did not require positive labour.
The first plan of bettering my fortune that I conceived, was to buy
some chances in a lottery, which I thought an easy way of making money;
as indeed it is, when a man can make any. I had my trouble for my
pains, with just as many blanks as I had bought tickets; upon which I
began to see clearly that adventuring in a lottery was nothing short of
gambling, as it really is; and so I quitted it.
I then resolved to imitate the example of a neighbour, who had made
a great sum of money by buying and selling to advantage stock in a
southern gold-mining company; and being very sanguine of success, I
devoted all the money I could scrape together to the purpose, and that
so wisely, that a second instalment being suddenly demanded, I had
nothing left to discharge it with, and no means of raising any; the
consequence of which was, that I was forced to sell at the worst time
in the world, and retired from the concern with just one fifth the sum
I had invested in it. I saw then that I had no talent for speculating,
and I began to have my doubts whether stock-jobbing was not just as
clear gambling as horse-racing and lottery speculation.
I tried some ten or a dozen other projects with a view to better my
condition; but, as I came off with the same luck from all, I do not
think it necessary to mention them. I will, however, state, as a proof
how much my difficulties had changed my mind on that subject, that
one of them was of a matrimonial character. My horror of squabbling
children and scolding wives melted away before the prospect of sheriffs
and executions; and there being a rich widow in the neighbourhood,
I bought me a new coat, and made her a declaration. But it was too
late in the day for me, as I soon discovered; for besides giving me
a flat refusal, she made a point of revealing the matter to all her
acquaintance, who did nothing but hold me up to ridicule.
I found that my affairs were falling into a desperate condition; and
not knowing what else to do, I resolved to turn politician, with the
hope of getting some office or other that might afford me a comfortable
subsistence.
This was the maddest project that ever possessed my brain; but it was
some time before I came to that conclusion. But, in truth, from having
been the easiest and calmest tempered man in the world, I was now
become the most restless and discontented, and incapable of judging
what was wise and what foolish. I reflected one day, that of my old
school and college mates who were still alive, there was not one who
had not made some advance in the world, while I had done nothing but
slip backwards. It was the same thing with dozens of people whom I
remembered as poor farmers' boys, with none of the advantages I had
possessed, but who had outstripped me in the road to fortune, some
being now rich cultivators, some wealthy manufacturers and merchants,
while two or three had got into the legislature, and were made much
of in the newspapers. One of my old companions had emigrated to the
Mississippi, where he was now a cotton-planter, with a yearly revenue
of twenty or thirty thousand dollars; another had become a great
lawyer in an adjacent state; and a third, whom I always thought a
very shallow, ignorant fellow, and who was as poor as a rat to boot,
had turned doctor, settled down in the village, and, besides getting
a great practice, had married the richest and finest girl in all the
county. There was no end to the number of my old acquaintances who had
grown wealthy and distinguished; and the more I thought of them, the
more discontented I became.
My dissatisfaction was increased by discovering with what little
respect I was held among these happy people. The doctor used to treat
me with a jocular sort of familiarity, which I felt to be insulting;
the lawyer, who had eaten many a dinner at my table, when I was able to
invite him, began to make me low bows, instead of shaking hands with
me; and the cotton-planter, who had been my intimate friend at college,
coming to the village on a visit to his relations, stared me fiercely
in the face when I approached him, and with a lordly "hum--ha!" asked me
"Who the devil I might be?" As for the others, they treated me with as
little consideration; and I began to perceive very plainly that I had
got into the criminal stage of poverty, for all men were resolved to
punish me. It is no wonder that poverty is the father of crime, since
the poor man sees himself treated on all hands as a culprit.
I had never before envied a man for enjoying more consideration in
the world than myself: but the discovery that I was looked upon with
contempt filled me with a new subject for discontent. I envied my
richer neighbours not only for being rich, but for being what they
considered themselves, my superiors in standing. I may truly say, I
scarce ever saw, in those days, a man with a good coat on his back,
without having a great desire to beat him. But as I was a peaceable
man, my anger never betrayed me into violence.
CHAPTER VII.
THE AUTHOR BECOMES A POLITICIAN, AND SEEKS FOR AN OFFICE.--THE RESULT
OF THAT PROJECT.
My essay in politics was soon made. I spent a whole week in finding
out who were the principal office-holders, candidates, and busybodies,
both in the state and the general governments; and which were the
principal parties; there being so many, that an honest man might easily
make a mistake among them. Being satisfied on these points, I chose
the strongest party, on the principle that the majority must always be
right, and attended the first public meeting that was held, where I
clapped my hands and applauded the speeches with so much spirit, that
I was taken notice of and highly commended by several of the principal
leaders. In truth, I pleased them so well, that they visited me at my
house, and encouraged me to take a more prominent part in the business
of politics; and this I did, for at the next meeting, I got up and
made a speech; but what it was about I know no more than the man in
the moon, otherwise I would inform the reader. My only recollection of
it is, that there was great slashing at the banks and aristocrats that
ground the faces of the poor; for I was on what our opponents called
the hurrah side, and these were the things we talked about. I received
uncommon applause; and, in fact, there was such a shouting and clapping
of hands, that I was obliged to put an end to my discourse sooner than
I intended.
But I found myself in great favour with the party, and being advised
by the leaders, who considered I had a talent that way, to set about
converting all I knew in the county who were not of our party, and they
hinting that I should certainly, in case the county was gained (for our
county happened to be a little doubtful at that time), be appointed
to the postoffice in the village, I mounted my old horse Julius
Cesar, and set out with greater zeal than I had ever shown in my life
before. I visited everybody that I knew, and a great many that I did
not know; and, wherever I went, I held arguments, and made speeches,
with a degree of industry that surprised myself, for certainly I was
never industrious before. It is certain, also, that there was never a
labourer in the field of politics that better deserved his reward,--
never a soldier of the party ranks that had won a better right to a
share in the spoils of victory. I do not pretend to say, indeed, that
I converted anybody to our belief; for all seemed to have made up
their minds beforehand; and I never yet knew or heard of a man that
could be argued out of his politics, who had once made up his mind on
the subject. I laboured, however, and that with astonishing zeal; and
as I paid my own expenses, and treated all thirsty souls that seemed
approachable in that way to good liquor, I paid a good round sum,
that I could ill spare, for the privilege of electioneering; and was
therefore satisfied that my claim to office would hold good.
And so it did, as was universally allowed by all the party; but the
conviction of its justice was all I ever gained in reward of my
exertions. The battle was fought and won, the party was triumphant,
and I was just rejoicing in the successful termination of my hopes,
when they were blasted by the sudden appointment of another to the very
office which I considered my own. That other was one of the aforesaid
leaders, who had been foremost in commending my zeal and talents, and
in assuring me that the office should be mine.
I was confounded, petrified, enraged; the duplicity and perfidy of my
new friends filled me with indignation. It was evident they must all
have joined in recommending my rival to the office; for he was a man
of bad character, who must, without such recommendations, have missed
his aim. All therefore had recommended him, and all had promised their
suffrages to me! "The scoundrels!" said I to myself. I perceived that
I had fallen among thieves; it was clear that no party could be in the
right, which was led by such unprincipled men; there was corruption at
the heart of the whole body; the party consisted of rogues who were
gaping after the loaves and fishes; their honesty was a song--their
patriotism a farce. In a word, I found I had joined the wrong party,
and I resolved to go over to the other, sincerely repenting the
delusion that had made me so long the advocate of wrong and deception.
But fortune willed otherwise. I had arrived at the crisis of my fate;
and before I could put my purpose into execution, I was suddenly
involved in that tissue of adventure, which, I have no doubt, will be
considered the most remarkable that ever befell a human being.
CHAPTER VIII.
A DESCRIPTION OF THE OWL-ROOST, WITH MR. JUMBLE'S IDEAS IN RELATION TO
CAPTAIN KID'S MONEY.
For five mortal days I remained at home, chewing the bone of
reflection; and a hard bone it was. On the sixth there came a villanous
constable with a--the reader may suppose what. I struck a bargain with
him, and he took his leave, and Julius Cesar also, saddle, bridle, and
all; whereby I escaped an introduction to the nearest justice of the
peace. The next visit, I had good reason to apprehend, would be from
the sheriff; for, having failed to pay up the interest on the mortgage,
the mortgagee had discoursed, and that in no very mysterious strain,
on the virtues of a writ of _Venditioni Exponas_, or some other absurd
and scoundrelly invention of the lawyers. I was at my wits' end, and
I wished that I was a dog; in which case I should have gone mad, and
bitten the new post-master and all his friends.
"Very well," said I to myself; "the forty-acre is no longer mine." I
clapped on my hat, and walked into the open air, resolved to take a
look at it before the sheriff came to convince me it belonged to some
other person. As I passed from the door, I looked up to the broken
porch: "May it fall on the head of my successor," I said.
It was a summer eve,--a day in July; but a raw wind blew from the
northeast, and the air was as chill as in November. I buttoned my coat,
and as I did so, took a peep at my elbows: I required no second look to
convince me that I was a poor man.
The ruined meadows of which I have spoken, lie on a little creek that
makes in from the Delaware. Their shape is the worst in the world,
being that of a triangle, the longest leg of which lies on the water.
Hence the expense of embanking them is formidable,--a circumstance for
which the muskrats have no consideration. The apex of the angle is a
bog, lying betwixt two low hillocks, or swells of ground, between which
crawls a brook, scarce deep enough to swim a tadpole, though an ox may
hide in the mud at the bottom. It oozes from a turfy ledge or bar, a
few feet higher than the general level of the hollow, which terminates
above it in a circular basin of two acres in area. This circular
basin is verdant enough to the eye, the whole surface being covered
by a thick growth of alders, arrow-wood, water-laurels, and other
shrubs that flourish in a swamp, as well as a bountiful sprinkling of
cat-tails on the edges. The soil is a vegetable jelly; and how any
plant of a pound in weight could ever sustain itself on it, I never was
able to comprehend. It is thought to be the nearest road to the heart
of the Chinese empire; to find which, all that is necessary to do is,
to take a plunge into it head foremost, and keep on until you arrive at
daylight among the antipodes.
The whole place has a solitary and mournful appearance, which is to
many made still more dreary and even sepulchral by the appearance of
a little old church, built by the Swedes many a year ago, but now in
ruins, and the graveyard around it, these being but a short distance
off, and on the east side of the hollow. The spot is remote from my
dwelling, and apparently from all others; nevertheless there is a small
farmhouse--it was once mine--on a by-road, not many rods from the old
church. A path, not often trodden, leads from my house to the by-road,
and crosses the hollow by the grassy ledge spoken of before. It is the
shortest path to the village, and I sometimes pursued it when walking
thither.
This lonesome spot had a very bad name in our neighbourhood, and was
considered to be haunted. Its common name was the Owl-roost, given
it in consequence of the vast numbers of these birds that perched,
and I believe nested in the centre of the swamp, where was a place
comparatively dry, or supposed to be so, for I believe no one ever
visited it, and a clump of trees larger than those in other places.
Some called the place Captain Kid's Hole, after that famous pirate who
was supposed to have buried his money there, as he is supposed to have
buried it in a hundred thousand other dismal spots along the different
rivers of America. Old Jim Jumble was a devout believer in the story,
and often tried his luck in digging for the money, but without success;
which he attributed to the circumstance of his digging in the daytime,
whereas midnight was, in his opinion, the only true time to delve for
charmed treasure. But midnight was the period when the ghosts came down
from the old graveyard to squeak about the swamp; and I never heard of
Jim being found in that neighbourhood after nightfall. The truth is,
the owls never hear any one go by after dark without saluting him with
a horrible chorus of hooting and screeching, that will make a man's
hair rise on his head; and I have been sometimes daunted by them myself.
To this place I directed my steps; and being very melancholy, I sat
down at the foot of a beech-tree that grew near the path. I thought
of the owls, and the ghosts, and of Captain Kid into the bargain, and
I marvelled to myself whether there could be any foundation for the
belief that converted such nooks into hiding-places for his ill-gotten
gold. While I thought over the matter, I began to wish the thing could
be true, and that some good spirit might direct me to the spot where
the money lay hid; for, sure enough, no one in the world had greater
necessity for it than I. I conned over the many stories that old Jim
had told me about the matter, as well as all the nonsensical ceremonies
that were to be performed, and the divers ridiculous dangers to be
encountered by those who sought the treasure; all which were mere
notions that had entered his absurd head, but which he had pondered
over so often and long, that he believed they had been told him by
others.
The great difficulty, according to his belief, and a necessary
preliminary to all successful operations, was first to discover exactly
the spot where the treasure lay buried; and, indeed, this seemed to
be a very needful preliminary. The discovery was to be made only by
dreaming of the spot three nights in succession. As to dreaming twice,
that was nothing: Jim had twenty times dreamed two nights together that
he had fallen upon the spot; but upon digging it discovered nothing.
Having been so lucky as to dream of a place three successive nights,
then the proper way to secure the treasure, as he told me, would be,
to select a night when the moon was at the full, and begin digging
precisely at twelve o'clock, saying the Lord's prayer backwards all
the time, till the money was found. And here lay the danger; a single
blunder in the prayer, and wo betide the devotee! for the devil, who
would be standing by all the time, would that moment pounce upon his
soul, and carry it away in a flame of brimstone.
CHAPTER IX.
SHEPPARD LEE STUMBLES UPON A HAPPY MAN, AND QUARRELS WITH HIM.
While I sat pondering over these matters, and wondering whether _I_
could say the prayer backwards, and doubting (for, to my shame be
it spoken, I had not often, of late years, said it _forward_), I
heard a gun go off in the meadow; and rising, and walking that way,
I discovered a sportsman who had just shot a woodcock, which his dog
carried to him in his mouth. I knew the gunner at first sight to be a
gentleman of Philadelphia, by the name of Higginson, a brewer, who was
reputed to be very wealthy, and who had several times before visited
our neighbourhood, for the purpose of shooting. I knew little of him
except his name, having never spoken to him. The neighbours usually
addressed him as squire, though I knew not for what reason. He was a
man of forty or forty-five years old, somewhat fat and portly, but with
a rosy, hearty complexion, looking the very personification of health
and content; and, indeed, as I gazed at him, strolling up and down with
his dog and gun, I thought I had never before seen such a picture of
happiness.
But the sight only filled me with gloom and anger. "Here," said I to
myself, "is a man rich and prosperous, who passes his whole life in an
amusement that delights him, goes whither he likes, does what he will,
eats, drinks, and is merry, and the people call him squire wherever
he goes. I wish I were he; for, surely, he is the happiest man in the
world!"
While I pondered thus, regarding him with admiration and hatred
together, a bird rose at his feet, and he shot it; and the next moment
another, which he served in the same way.
I noted the exultation expressed in his countenance, and I was filled
with a sudden fury. I strode up to him while he was recharging his
piece, and as I approached him, he looked up and gave me a nod of so
much complacency and condescension together, that it rendered me ten
times madder than ever.
"Sir," said I, looking him full in the face, "before you shoot
any more birds here, answer me a question. Who do you go for--the
Administration, or the Opposition?"
This was a very absurd way of beginning a conversation with a stranger;
but I was in such a fury I scarce knew what I said. He gave me a stare,
and then a smile, and nodding his head good-humouredly, replied,
"Oh! for the Administration, to be sure!"
"You do, sir!" I rejoined, shaking my fist at him. "Then, sir, let me
tell you, sir, you belong to a scoundrelly party, and are a scoundrel
yourself, sir: and so, sir, walk off my place, or I'll prosecute you
for a trespass."
"You insolent ragamuffin!" said he.
_Ragamuffin!_ Was I sunk so low that a man trespassing on my own
property could call me ragamuffin?
"You poor, miserable shote!"--
So degraded that I could be called a pig?
"You half-starved old sand-field Jersey kill-deer!"--
A Jersey kill-deer!
"You vagabond! You beggar! You Dicky Dout!"--
I was struck dumb by the multitude and intensity of his epithets; and
before I could recover speech, he shouldered his gun, snapped his
fingers in my face, and whistling to his dog, walked off the ground.
Before he had gone six steps, however, he turned round, gave me a hard
look, and bursting into a laugh, exclaimed, tapping his forehead as he
spoke,--
"Poor fellow! you're wrong in your upper story!"
With that he resumed the path, and crossed over to the old church,
where I lost sight of him.
"Wrong in my upper story!" It was the very phrase which Tom Alderwood,
my brother-in-law, had applied to me, and which had given me such
mortal offence that I had never forgiven him, and had refused to be
reconciled, even when, as my difficulties began to thicken about me,
he came to offer me his assistance. "Wrong in my upper story!" I was
so much confounded by the man's insolence, that I remained rooted to
the spot until he had got out of sight; and then, not knowing what else
to do, I returned home; when I had a visit from old Jim, who entered
the apartment, and not knowing I had sold my horse, cried out, "Massa
Sheppard, want money to shoe Julius Cesar 'morrow morning. Blacksmith
swear no trust no more."
"Go to the devil, you old rascal!" said I, in a rage.
"Guess I will," said Jim, shaking his head: "follow hard after massa."
That insinuation, which struck me as being highly appropriate, was
all I got for supper; for it was Jim's way, when I offended him of an
afternoon, to sneak off, taking Dinah with him, and thus leave me to
shift for myself during the whole night as I could. There was never a
more tyrannical old rascal than Jim Jumble.
CHAPTER X.
SHEPPARD LEE HAS AN EXTRAORDINARY DREAM, WHICH PROMISES TO BE MORE
ADVANTAGEOUS THAN ANY OF HIS PREVIOUS ONES.
I went therefore supperless to bed; but I dreamed of Captain Kid's
money, and the character of my dream was quite surprising. I thought
that my house had fallen down in a high wind, as, indeed, it was like
enough to do, and that I was sitting on a broken chair before the
ruins, when Squire Higginson made his appearance, looking, however,
like a dead man; for his face was pale, and he was swathed about with
a winding-sheet. Instead of a gun he carried a spade in his hand; and
a great black pig followed at his heels in place of his dog. He came
directly towards me, and looking me full in the face, said, "Sheppard
Lee, what are you doing here?" but I was struck with fear, and could
make no reply. With that, he spoke again, saying, "The sheriff is
coming to levy on your property; get up, therefore, and follow me."
So saying, he began to walk away, whistling to the pig, which ran at
his heels like a dog; and I found myself impelled to follow him. He
took the path to the Owl-roost, and, arriving there, came to a pause,
saying, "Sheppard Lee, you are a poor man, and eaten up with discontent;
but I am your friend, and you shall have all your wishes." He then
turned to the pig, which was rooting under a gum-tree, and blowing his
whistle, said, "Black Pig, show me some game, or I'll trounce you;"
and immediately the pig began to run about snuffing, and snorting, and
coursing like a dog, so that it was wonderful to behold him. At last
the squire, growing impatient, and finding fault with the animal's ill
success, for he discovered nothing, took a whip from under his shroud,
and fell to beating him; after which the pig hunted more to his liking;
and, having coursed about us for a while, ran up to the beech-tree,
under which I had sat the day before, and began with snout and hoof to
tear up the earth at its roots. "Oho!" said Squire Higginson, "I never
knew Black Pig to deceive me. We shall have fine sport now." Then,
putting the spade into my hands, he bade me dig, exhorting me to be of
good heart, for I was now to live a new life altogether. But before I
struck the spade into the earth he drew a mark on the ground, to guide
me, and the figure was precisely that of a human grave. Not daunted
by this circumstance, for in my dream it appeared natural enough, I
began to dig; and after throwing out the earth to a depth just equal
to the length of the spade, I discovered an iron coffin, the lid of
which was in three pieces, and, not being fastened in any way, was
therefore easily removed. Judge of my transports when, having lifted
up the piece in the middle, I found the whole coffin full of gold and
silver, some in the form of ancient coins, but the most of it in bars
and ingots. I would have lifted up the whole coffin, and carried it
away at once, but that was impossible; I therefore began to fill my
pockets, my hat, my handkerchief, and even my bosom; until the squire
bade me cease, telling me I should visit the treasure at the same hour
on the following night. I then replaced the iron cover, and threw the
earth again into the grave, as the squire commanded; and then leaving
him, and running home as hard as I could, in fear lest some one should
see me, I fell into a miry place, where I was weighed down by the mass
of gold I had about me, and smothered. In the midst of my dying agonies
I awoke, and found that all was a dream.
Ah! how much torment a poor man has dreaming of riches! The dream made
me very melancholy; and I went moping about all that day, wishing
myself anybody or any thing but that I was, and hiding in the woods at
the sight of any one who chanced to pass by, for I thought everybody
was the sheriff. I went to bed the following night in great disorder of
spirit, and had no sooner closed my eyes than I dreamed the same dream
over again. The squire made his appearance as before, led me to the
Owl-roost, and set the black pig hunting until the grave was found. In
a word, the dream did not vary in a single particular from that I had
had the night before; and when I woke up the next day, the surprise
of such an occurrence filled me with new and superstitious ideas, and
I awaited the next night with anxious expectations, resolved, if the
dream should be repeated again, to go dig at the place, and see what
should come of it.
Remembering what old Jim had said in regard to the full of the moon,
I went to a neighbour's to look at his almanack (for I had none of my
own), and discovered, to my unspeakable surprise and agitation, though
I had half known it before, that the moon we then had would be at her
full between ten and eleven o'clock on the following morning.
Such a coincidence betwixt the time of my dreams and the proper period
for hunting the treasure (since at the full moon was the proper time),
was enough of itself to excite my expectations; and the identity
between the two visions was so extraordinary, that I began to believe
that the treasure did really exist in the Owl-roost, which, being very
solitary, and yet conveniently accessible from the river through the
medium of the creek, was one of the best hiding-places in the world,
and that I was the happy man destined to obtain it.
I went to bed accordingly the third night with a strong persuasion that
the vision would be repeated: I was not disappointed. I found myself
again digging at the beech-roots, and scraping up great wedges of gold
and silver from the iron coffin. What was remarkable in this dream,
however, was, that when I had picked up as much as I could carry, the
squire nodded to me, and said, "Now, Sheppard Lee, you know the way to
Captain Kid's treasure, and you can come to-morrow night by yourself."
And what was further observable, I did not dream of falling into a
miry place on this occasion, but arrived safely home, and beheld with
surprise and delight that my house, which I had left in ruins, was
standing up more beautiful than ever it had been, newly painted from
top to bottom, and the pillars of the porch were gilded over, and
shining like gold.
While enjoying this agreeable prospect I awoke, and such was the
influence of the vision on my mind, and the certain belief I now
cherished that the vast treasure was mine,--a whole coffinful of gold
and silver,--that I fell to shouting and dancing; so that old Jim
Jumble, who ran up into my chamber to see what was the matter, was
persuaded I had gone mad, and began to blubber and scold, and take on
in the most diverting way in the world.
I pacified him as well as I could, but resolved to keep my secret until
I could surprise him with the sight of my treasure, all collected
together in the house; and I proceeded without delay to make such
preparations as were proper for the coming occasion. I took a spade and
mattock, and carried them to the hollow, where I hid them among the
bushes. But this I found difficult to do as secretly as I wished; for
old Jim, either from suspecting what I was after, or believing I had
lost my mind, kept dogging me about; so that it was near midday before
I succeeded in giving him the slip, and carrying my tools to the hollow.
CHAPTER XI.
IN WHICH THE READER IS INTRODUCED TO A PERSONAGE WHO MAY CLAIM HIS
ACQUAINTANCE HEREAFTER.
In this place, to my dismay, I stumbled upon a man, who, from the
character he had in the neighbourhood, I was afraid was hunting the
treasure, as well as myself. He was an old German doctor, called
Feuerteufel, which extraordinary name, as I had been told, signified,
in German, _Fire-devil_. He had come to our village about two weeks
before, and nobody knew for what reason. All day long he wandered about
among the woods, swamps, and marshes, collecting plants and weeds,
stones, animals, and snakes, which he seemed to value very highly.
Some thought he was a counterfeiter in disguise, and others called
him a conjurer. Many were of opinion he was hunting for gold-mines,
or precious stones; while others had their thoughts, and said he was
the devil, his appearance being somewhat grim and forbidding. As for
myself, having lighted upon him once or twice in the woods, I did not
know what to think of him; but I did not like his looks. He was very
tall and rawboned, with long arms, and immense big hands; his skin was
extremely dark and pock-marked, and he had a mouth that ran from ear to
ear, and long, bushy, black hair. His eyes were like saucers, and deep
sunk in their sockets, with tremendous big black eyebrows ever frowning
above them; and what made him look remarkable was, that although he was
ever frowning with his eyes, his mouth was as continually grinning in
a sort of laugh, such as you see in a man struck with a palsy in the
head. He was the terror of all the children, and it was said the dogs
never barked at him.
I found him in the hollow, hard by the beech-tree, and had scarce
time to fling my implements among the bushes before he saw me. He was
standing looking over towards the old church, where there was a funeral
procession; for that morning the neighbours were burying a young man
that had taken laudanum for love two days before, but had only expired
the previous evening.
As soon as the German beheld me, he started like a guilty man,
and made as if he would have run away; but suddenly changing his
mind, he stepped towards me, and just as we met he stooped down and
pulled a flower that struck his eye. Then rising up, he grinned at
me, and nodding, said, "Gooten morrow, mine prudder; it ish gooten
dag!"--though what he meant by "_gooten dag_" I know no more than the
man in the moon, having never studied German. I did not at all like his
appearance in this spot at such a time; but I reflected at last that he
was only culling simples, and had paused near the beech-tree to look
at the funeral, as would have been extremely natural in any man. But
I liked the appearance of the funeral still less at such a particular
time, and I thought there was something ominous in it.
But my mind was fixed upon the treasure I was soon to enjoy too firmly
to be long drawn off by any such doleful spectacle; and accordingly,
having waited impatiently until the attendants on the funeral had
all stalked away, as well as the German doctor, I stole towards the
beech-tree, and surveyed the ground at its roots. There were some
stones lying among them, which I removed, as well as the long grass
that waved over their tops; and looking closely, I thought I could
see among some of the smaller roots of the tree, that were pleached
together on the surface of the earth, a sort of arrangement very much
in shape of a grave. This was a new proof to me that the treasure lay
below, and I considered that my good angel had platted these roots
together, in order to direct me in what spot to dig.
I could scarce avoid beginning on the instant; but, I remembered, that
was not the hour. I therefore concealed my spade and mattock, and went
home; when the first thing I did was to hunt me up a book that had the
Lord's prayer in it (for I feared to trust to my memory alone), and
write this out backwards with the greatest care; and I then spent the
remainder of the day in committing the words to memory in that order;
but I found it a difficult task.
As the evening drew nigh, I found myself growing into such a pitch of
excitement, that, fearing I should betray the secret to Jim Jumble, who
was constantly prying in upon me, I resolved to walk to the village,
and there remain until the hour for seeking the treasure should draw
nigh. I had another reason for this step; for my watch having gone,
some month or two before Julius Cesar, to satisfy a hungry fellow to
whom I owed money, I knew not how to be certain of the hour, unless
by learning it of some one in the village; and to the village I
accordingly went soon after sunset.
CHAPTER XII.
SHEPPARD LEE VISITS THE VILLAGE, MAKES A PATRIOTIC SPEECH, AND LEAVES
THE FENCE.
Having arrived at the village, I proceeded to a tavern, which was the
chief place of resort, especially after nightfall, for all the idlers
and topers of the town, of whom there were great numbers, the village
at that time being a place of but little business.
I found some ten or a dozen already assembled in the bar-room,
drinking brandy, smoking, chewing, talking politics, and swearing. I
had no sooner entered than some of them, who were discoursing loudly
concerning the purity and economy of the government, and the honesty of
those who supported it, appealed to me (my electioneering pilgrimage
through the country having caused me to be looked upon as quite a
knowing politician) to assist them in the argument they were holding.
Remembering the scurvy way in which I had been treated by the party, I
felt strongly tempted to give them a piece of my mind on the other side
of the question; but I thought of my buried treasure, and conceiving
it unwise to begin the quarrel at that time, I made them no answer,
but sat down in a corner, where I hoped to escape observation. Here I
employed myself conning over the prayer backwards, until I was assured
I was perfect in the exercise.
I then--still keeping aloof from the company--gave my mind up to a
consideration of what I should do when I had transferred Captain Kid's
hoards of gold from the coffin to my house.
The first thing I resolved to do was to pay my debts, which, how
greatly soever they oppressed me, were not actually very fearful in
amount; after which I was determined to rebuild my house, restore my
fields to their original condition, and go to law with Mr. Aikin Jones,
who I had no doubt had cheated me out of my property. It did not occur
to me that, by such a step, I should get rid of my second fortune
as expeditiously as I had the first; all that I thought on was the
satisfaction of having my revenge on the villain, whom I should have
punished in perhaps a more summary way, had it not been for my respect
for the laws, and my being naturally a peaceable man. But I did not
think long of Mr. Jones; the idea of the great wealth I was soon to
possess filled my mind, and I gave myself up to the most transporting
reveries.
From these I was roused by hearing some one near me pronounce the words
"_Captain Kid's money_"--the idea that was uppermost in my own mind;
and looking round in a kind of perturbation, I saw a knot of people
surrounding Feuerteufel, the German doctor, one of whom was discoursing
on the subject of the treasure in the Owl-roost, and avowing his
belief that he--that is, the German doctor--was conjuring after it;
an imputation that gained great credit with the company, there being
no other way to account for his visit to our village, and his constant
perambulations through the woods and marshes in the neighbourhood of
the Owl-roost.
The German doctor, to my great relief, replied to this charge by
expanding his jaws as if he would have swallowed the speaker, though he
was guilty of nothing beyond a laugh, which was in depth and quality
of tone as if an empty hogshead had indulged in the same diversion.
His voice was indeed prodigiously deep and hollow, and even his laugh
had something in it solemn and lugubrious. "Mine friends," said he, in
very bad English, "I fos can do men' creat t'ings; put I can no find no
Captain Kitt's money not at all. I toes neffer looks for coldt, except
in places fare Gott puts it; t'at iss, in t'a coldt-mines!" With that,
he laughed again, and looking upon the people about him with great
contempt, he walked up stairs to his chamber--for he lodged in the inn.
Soon after this occurrence, and just when I had sunk again into a
revery, a man stepped up to me, and saluted me in a way well suited to
startle me.
"Sir," said he, "friend Kill-deer, before you scratch your head
any more on this bench, answer me a question. What do you go
for,--brandy-toddy or gin-sling?"
It was Squire Higginson, and he looked very good-humoured and waggish;
but as I had dreamed of him so often, and always as being in his
grave-clothes, I was rather petrified at his appearance, as if it were
that of a spectre, rather than a mortal man. As for our quarrel in the
meadow, it had slipped my mind altogether, until, having recovered
my composure a little, it was recalled to my recollection by the
associations arising out of his words.
But I remembered the circumstance at last, and being moreover offended
by his present freedom, which was nothing less than sheer impertinence,
I told him I desired to have nothing to say to him; on which he fell
into a passion, and told me "I might go to the devil for a ragamuffin
and a turncoat politician." But, mad as he was, he ended his speech by
bursting into a laugh, and then, tapping his forehead as before, and
nodding his head and winking, he left the bar-room to seek his chamber
--for _he_ put up at the tavern, as well as the German doctor.
These insults threw me into some ferment, and being irritated still
farther by the remarks of the company, especially when some one asked
what the squire meant by calling me a "turncoat politician," I allowed
myself to be thrown into a passion; in the course of which I gave such
of my old friends as were present to know that I had forsworn their
party, and considered it to be composed of a pack of the corruptest
scoundrels in the country.
This unexpected denunciation produced a great explosion; my old friends
fell upon me tooth and nail, as the saying is, reviling me as a
traitor and apostate. But, on the other hand, those of the opposition
who happened to be present ranged themselves on my side, applauding
my honesty, judgment, and spirit to such a degree, that I was more
than ever convinced I had been on the wrong side. I met reproaches
with contempt, and threats with defiance; opposed words to words,
and assertions to assertions (for, in politics, we do not make use
of arguments); and finding myself triumphantly victorious, I mounted
into a chair, and made a speech that was received by my new friends
with roars of applause. Intoxicated with these marks of approbation,
I launched at once into a sea of declamation, in which I might have
tossed about during the whole night, had I not by chance, while balking
for a word, rolled my eyes upon the clock that stood opposite to me
in the bar, and perceived that it wanted just a quarter of an hour
to twelve o'clock. In a moment I forgot every thing but the treasure
that awaited me in the Owl-roost; I stopped short in the middle of a
sentence, took one more look at the clock, and then, leaping down from
the chair, rushed from the tavern without saying a word, and, to the
amazement of friend and foe, ran at full speed out of the village; and
this gait I continued until I had reached the old Swedes' Church; for I
had taken the footpath that led in that direction.
CHAPTER XIII.
WHAT BEFELL THE AUTHOR ON HIS WAY TO THE OWL-ROOST.
As it was now the full of the moon, there was of course light enough
for my purpose; but the sky was dappled with clouds very dense and
heavy, some of which crossing the moon every minute or two, there
was a constant alternation of light and darkness, so that the trees
and all other objects were constantly changing their appearance, now
starting up in bold relief, white and silvery from the darkness, and
now vanishing again into gloom.
A cloud passed over the moon just as I reached the old church; and the
wall of the burial-ground having fallen down at a certain place, where
the rubbish obstructed the path, it was my ill luck to break my shin
against a fragment; the pain of which caused me to utter a loud groan.
To my amazement and horror, this interjection of suffering was echoed
from the grave-yard hard by, a voice screaming out in awful tones,
"O Lord! O Lord!" and casting my eyes round, I beheld, as I thought,
three or four shapes, that I deemed nothing less than devils incarnate,
dancing about among the tomb-stones.
I was seized with such terror at this sight, that, forgetting my hurt
and the treasure together, I took to my heels, and did not cease
running until I had left the church some quarter of a mile behind me;
and I am not certain I should have come to a halt then, had it not
been my fate to tumble over a cow that lay ruminating on the path;
whereby, besides half breaking my neck, and cruelly scratching my nose,
I stunned myself to that degree, that it was some two or three minutes
before I was able to rise.
I had thus time to recollect myself, and reflect that I was running
away from Captain Kid's money, the idea of losing which was not to be
tolerated a moment.
But how to get to the Owl-roost without falling into the hands of
the devils or spectres at the old church, was what gave me infinite
concern. The midnight hour--the only one for attempting the treasure
with success--was now close at hand; so that there was no time left
me to reach the place by a roundabout course through the woods to the
right, or over the meadows to the left. I must pass the old church, or
I must perhaps give up the treasure.
There was no time to deliberate; the figures I had seen, and the cries
I had heard, might have been coinages of my own brain; nay, the latter
were perhaps, after all, only the echoes of my own voice, distorted
into something terrible by my fears. I was not naturally superstitious,
and had never before believed in ghosts. But I cannot recollect what
precise arguments occurred to me at that moment, to cause me to banish
my fears. The hope of making my fortune was doubtless the strongest of
all; and the moon suddenly shining out with the effulgence almost of
day, I became greatly imboldened, and, in a word, set forward again,
resolved, if met by a second apparition, and driven to flight, to
fly, not backwards, but _forwards_,--that is, in the direction of the
Owl-roost.
On this occasion, it was my fortune to be saluted by an owl that sat
on the old wall among some bushes, and hooted at me as I went by; and
notwithstanding that the sound was extremely familiar to my ears, I was
thrown into a panic, and took to my heels as before; though, as I had
resolved, I ran onward, pursuing the path to the swamp. It is quite
possible there may have been a crew of imps and disimbodied spirits
jumping among the graves as before; but, as I had the good fortune to
be frightened before I caught sight of them, I did not stop to look for
them; and, for the same reason, I heard no more awful voices shrieking
in my ears. I reached the Owl-roost and the memorable beech-tree,
where the necessity of acting with all speed helped me to get rid of
my terror. I knew that I had not a moment to spare, and running to the
bushes where I had hidden my mattock and spade, I fetched them to the
tree, and instantly began to dig, not forgetting to pray backwards all
the while, as hard as I could.
CHAPTER XIV.
SHEPPARD LEE DIGS FOR THE BURIED TREASURE, BUT MAKES A BLOW WITH THE
MATTOCK IN THE WRONG PLACE.
I was but an ill hand at labour, and of the use of the spade and
mattock I knew nothing. The nature of the ground in which I was digging
made the task especially difficult and disagreeable. There were
many big stones scattered about in the earth, which jarred my arms
horribly whenever I stuck them; so that (all my efforts to the contrary
notwithstanding) I was, every minute or two, interrupting my prayer
with expressions which were neither wise nor religious, but highly
expressive of my torture of body and mind. And then I was digging among
the toughest and vilest roots in the world, some of which I thought I
should never get through; for I had not remembered to provide myself
with an axe, and I was afraid to go home for one, lest some evil
accident or discovery might rob me of the expected treasure.
Accordingly, I had to do with a tougher piece of labour than I had ever
undertaken before in my whole life; and I reckon I worked a full hour
and a half, before I had got the hole I was excavating as deep as I
supposed would be necessary. I succeeded at last, however, in throwing
out so much earth, that when I measured the depth of the pit with my
spade, I found the handle just on a level with the surface of the
ground.
But I was not so near the treasure as I supposed; I struck my mattock
into the clay, scarce doubting that I should hear the ring of the iron
coffin. Instead of reaching that, however, I struck a great stone, and
with a force that made the mattock-helve fly out of my hands to my
chin, which it saluted with a vigour that set all my teeth to rattling,
knocking me down into the bargain.
Having recovered from the effects of this blow, I fell to work again,
thumping and delving until I had excavated to the depth of at least
five feet. My heart began to fail me, as well as my strength, as I got
so deep into the earth without finding the gold; for I began to fear
lest my dreams had, after all, deceived me. In my agitation of mind, I
handled my tools so blindly, that I succeeded in lodging my mattock,
which was aimed furiously at a root, among the toes of my right foot;
and the pain was so horribly acute, that I leaped howling out of the
pit, and sinking down upon the grass, fell straightway into a trance.
CHAPTER XV.
IN WHICH SHEPPARD LEE FINDS HIMSELF IN A QUANDARY WHICH THE READER WILL
ALLOW TO BE THE MOST WONDERFUL AND LAMENTABLE EVER KNOWN TO A HUMAN
BEING.
When I awoke from this trance, it was almost daybreak.
I recovered in some confusion of mind, and did not for a moment notice
that I was moving away from the place of my disaster; but I perceived
there was something strange in my feelings and sensations. I felt
exceedingly light and buoyant, as if a load had been taken, not merely
from my mind, but from my body; it seemed to me as if I had the power
of moving whither I would without exertion, and I fancied that I swept
along without putting my feet to the ground. Nay, I had a notion that
I was passing among shrubs and bushes, without experiencing from them
any hinderance to my progress whatever. I felt no pain in my foot,
which I had hit such a violent blow, and none in my hands, that had
been wofully blistered by my work; nor had I the slightest feeling of
weariness or fatigue. On the whole, my sensations were highly novel and
agreeable; but before I had time to analyze them, or to wonder at the
change, I remembered that I was wandering away from the buried treasure.
I returned to the spot, but only to be riveted to the earth in
astonishment. I saw, stretched on the grass, just on the verge of the
pit, the dead body of a man; but what was my horror, when, perusing the
ashy features in the light of the moon, I perceived my own countenance!
It was no illusion; it was _my_ face, _my_ figure, and dressed in _my_
clothes; and the whole presented the appearance of perfect death.
The sight was as bewildering as it was shocking; and the whole state
of things was not more terrifying than inexplicable. _There_ I lay on
the ground, stiff and lifeless; and _here_ I stood on my feet, alive,
and surveying my own corpse, stretched before me. But I forgot my
extraordinary duality in my concern for myself--that is to say, for
that part of me, that _eidolon_, or representative, or duplicate of me,
that was stretched on the grass, I stooped down to raise the figure
from the earth, in an instinctive desire to give myself aid, but in
vain; I could not lift the body; it did not seem to me that I could
even _touch it_,--my fingers, strive as I might, I could not bring into
contact with it.
My condition, or _conditions_ (for I was no longer of the singular
number) at this time, can be understood only by comparing my confusion
of senses and sensations to that which occurs in a dream, when one
beholds himself dead, surveys his body, and philosophizes or laments,
and is, all the time, to all intents and purposes, without being
surprised at it, _two persons_, one of which lives and observes, while
the other is wholly defunct. Thus I was, or appeared to be, without
bestowing any reflection upon such an extraordinary circumstance, or
being even conscious of it, two persons; in one of which I lived, but
forgot my existence, while trembling at the death that had overcome
me in the other. My true situation I did not yet comprehend, nor
even dream of; though it soon turned out to be natural enough, and I
understood it.
I was entirely overcome with horror at my unfortunate condition; and
seeing that I was myself unable to render myself any assistance, I ran,
upon an impulse of instinct, to the nearest quarter where it was to be
obtained. This was at the cottage, or little farmhouse, which I spoke
of before as standing on the by-road, a little beyond the old church.
It was occupied by a man named Turnbuckle, whom I knew very well, and
who was a very industrious, honest man, although a tenant of Mr. Aikin
Jones.
I arrived at his house in an amazingly short space of time, rather
flying, as it seemed to me, through the air, than running over the
marsh and up the rugged hill. It was the gray of the morning, when I
reached his house, and the family was just stirring within. As I ran
towards the door, his dogs, of which he had a goodly number, as is
common with poor men, set up a dismal howling, clapped their tails
between their legs, and sneaked off among the bushes; a thing that
surprised me much, for they were usually very savage of temper. I
called to Turnbuckle by name, and that in a voice so piteous that, in
half a minute, he and his eldest son came tumbling out of the house
in the greatest haste and wonder. No sooner, however, had they cast
eyes on me, than they uttered fearful cries; the old man fell flat on
his face, as if in a fit, and the son ran back into the house, as if
frightened out of his senses.
"Help me, Thomas Turnbuckle," said I; "I am lying dead under the
beech-tree in the hollow: come along and give me help."
But the old man only answered by groaning and crying; and at that
moment the door opened, and his eldest son appeared with a gun, which
he fired at me, to my inexpressible terror.
But if I was frightened at this, how much more was I horrified when the
old man, leaping up at the discharge, roared out, "O Lord! a ghost! a
ghost!" and ran into the house.
I perceived it all in a moment: the howling of the dogs, which they
still kept up from among the bushes,--the fear of Turnbuckle and
his family, all of whom, old and young, male and female, were now
squeaking in the house, as if Old Nick had got among them,--my being
in two places together, and a thousand other circumstances that now
occurred to me, apprized me of the dreadful fact, which I had not
before suspected: I was a dead man!--my body lay in the marsh under the
beech-tree, and it was my spirit that was wandering about in search of
assistance!
As this terrible idea flashed across my mind, and I saw that I was a
ghost, I was as much frightened as the Turnbuckles had been, and I took
to my heels to fly from myself, until I recollected myself a little,
and thought of the absurdity of such a proceeding. But even this fatal
conception did not remove my anxiety in relation to my poor body,--or
_myself_, as I could not help regarding my body; and I ran back to the
beech-tree in a kind of distraction, hoping I might have been revived
and resuscitated in my absence.
I reached the pit, and stared wildly about me--my body was
gone,--vanished! I looked into the hole I had excavated; there was
nothing in it but the spade and mattock, and my hat, which had fallen
from my head when I leaped out of it, after hurting my foot. I stared
round me again; the print of my body in the grass, where it had lain,
was quite perceptible (for it was now almost broad day), but there was
no body there, and no other vestige excepting one of my shoes, which
was torn and bloody, being the identical one I had worn on the foot
hurt by the mattock.
CHAPTER XVI.
SHEPPARD LEE FINDS COMFORT WHEN HE LEAST EXPECTS IT. THE EXTRAORDINARY
CLOSE OF THE CATASTROPHE.
What had become of me? that is, what had become of my body? Its
disappearance threw me into a phrensy; and I was about to run home,
and summon old Jim Jumble to help me look for it, when I heard a dog
yelping and whining in a peculiarly doleful manner, at some little
distance down in the meadow; and I instantly ran in that direction,
thinking that perhaps the bloodthirsty beast might be at that very
moment dragging it away to devour it,--or hoping, at the least, to
light upon some one who could give me an account of it.
I ran to a place in the edge of the marsh where were some willow-trees,
and an old worm fence, the latter overgrown with briers and
elder-bushes; and there, to my exceeding surprise, I discovered the
body of Squire Higginson (for he was stone dead), lying against the
fence, which was broken, his head down, and his heels resting against
the rails, and looking as if, while climbing it, he had fallen down and
broken his neck. His gun was lying at his side, undischarged, and his
dog, whose yelping had brought me to the spot, was standing by; but I
must add, that, as soon as I approached him, the animal betrayed as
much terror as Turnbuckle's dogs had done, and ran howling away in the
same manner.
Greatly incensed as I had been with Squire Higginson, I felt some
concern to see him lying in this lamentable condition, his face
blackened with blood, as if he had perished from suffocation; and
stooping down, I endeavoured to take off his neckcloth and raise his
head, in the hope that he might yet recover. But I reckoned without my
host,--I had forgotten that I was a mere phantom or spirit, possessing
no muscular power whatever, because no muscles; for, even in walking
and running, as I was now aware, I was impelled by some unknown power
within me, and not at all carried by my legs. I could not bring my hand
into contact either with his cravat or head, and for a good reason,
seeing there was no substance in me whatever, but all spirit.
I therefore ceased my endeavours, and began to moralize, in a mournful
mood, upon his condition and mine. He was dead, and so was I; but there
seemed to be this difference between us, namely, that I had lost my
body, and he his soul,--for after looking hard about me, I could see
nothing of it. His body, as it lay there in the bushes, was perfectly
useless to him, and to all the world beside; and my spirit, as was
clear enough, was in a similar predicament. Why might I not, that is
to say, my spirit,--deprived by an unhappy accident of its natural
dwelling,--take possession of a tenement which there remained no spirit
to claim, and thus, uniting interests together, as two feeble factions
unite together in the political world, become a body possessing life,
strength, and usefulness?
As soon as this idea entered my mind (or _me_, for I was all mind), I
was seized with the envy that possessed me when I first met the squire
shooting over my marshes. "How much better it would be," I thought, "to
inhabit his body than my own! In my own fleshly casing, I should revive
only to poverty and trouble;" (I had forgot all about Captain Kid's
money) "whereas, if once in the body of Squire Higginson, I should step
out into the world to possess riches, respect, content, and all that
man covets. Oh that I might be Squire Higginson!" I cried.
The words were scarce out of my mouth, before I felt myself vanishing,
as it were, into the dead man's nostrils, into which I--that is to say,
my spirit--rushed like a breeze of air; and the very next moment I
found myself kicking the fence to pieces in a lusty effort to rise to
my feet, and feeling as if I had just tumbled over it.
"The devil take the fence, and that Jersey kill-deer that keeps it
in such bad order!" I cried, as I rose up, snatching at my gun, and
whistling for my dog Ponto. _My_ dog Ponto! It was even the truth;
I was no more Sheppard Lee, the poor and discontented,--no longer a
disimbodied spirit, wandering about only to frighten dogs out of their
senses; but John Hazlewood Higginson, Esq., solid and substantial in
purse and flesh, with a rosy face, and a heart as cheerful as the
morning, which was now reddening over the whole east. If I had wanted
any proof of the transformation beyond that furnished by my own senses
and sensations, it would have been provided by my dog Ponto, who now
came running up, leaping on and about me with the most extravagant joy.
"God be thanked!" I cried, dancing about as joyously as the dog; "I am
now a respectable man, with my pockets full of money. Farewell, then,
you poor miserable Sheppard Lee! you ragamuffin! you poor wretched
shote! you half-starved old sand-field Jersey kill-deer! you vagabond!
you beggar! you Dicky Dout, with the wrong place in your upper story!
you are now a gentleman and a man of substance, and a happy dog into
the bargain. Ha, ha, ha!" and here I fell a laughing out of pure joy;
and giving my dog Ponto a buss, as if that were the most natural act
in the world, and a customary way of showing my satisfaction, I began
to stalk towards my old ruined house, without exactly knowing for what
purpose, but having some vague idea about me, that I would set old Jim
Jumble and his wife Dinah to shouting and dancing; an amusement I would
willingly have seen the whole world engaged in at that moment.
CHAPTER XVII.
A NATURAL MISTAKE, WHICH, ALTHOUGH IT PROCURES THE AUTHOR A ROUGH
RECEPTION AT HIS OWN HOUSE, HAS YET THE GOOD EFFECT TO TEACH HIM THE
PROPRIETY OF ADAPTING HIS MANNERS TO HIS CONDITION.
I had not walked twenty yards, before a woodcock that was feeding on
the edge of the marsh started up from under my nose, when, clapping my
gun to my shoulder, I let fly at him, and down he came.
"Aha, Ponto!" said I, "when did I ever fail to bring down a woodcock?
Bring it along, Ponto, you rascal.--Rum-te, ti, ti! rum-te, ti, ti!"
and I went on my way singing for pure joy, without pausing to recharge,
or to bag my game. I reached my old house, and began to roar out,
without reflecting that I was now something more than Sheppard Lee,
"Hillo! Jim Jumble, you old rascal! get up and let me in."
"What you want, hah?" said old Jim, poking his head from the
garret-window of the kitchen, and looking as sour as a persimmon before
frost. "Guess Massa Squire Higginson drunk, hah? What you want? S'pose
I'm gwyin to git up afo' sunrise for not'in', and for anybody but my
Massa Sheppard?"
"Why, you old dog," said I, in a passion, "I am your master Sheppard;
that is, your master John Hazlewood Higginson, Esquire; for as for
Sheppard Lee, the Jersey kill-deer, I've finished him, you rascal;
you'll never see him more. So get down, and let me into the house, or
I'll--"
"You will, hah?" said Jim; "you will _what_?"
"I'll shoot you, you insolent scoundrel!" I exclaimed, in a rage,--as
if it were the most natural thing in the world for me to be in one; and
as I spoke, I raised my piece; when "Bow--wow--wough!" went my old dog
Bull, who had not bitten a man for two years, but who now rushed from
his kennel under the porch, and seized me by the leg.
"Get out, Bull, you rascal!" said I, but he only bit the harder; which
threw me into such a fury that I clapped the muzzle of my gun to his
side, and, having one charge remaining, blew him to pieces.
"Golla-matty!" said old Jim, from the window, whence he had surveyed
the combat; "golla-matty! shoot old Bull!"
And with that the black villain snatched up the half of a brick, which
I suppose he kept to daunt unwelcome visiters, and taking aim at me,
he cast it so well as to bring it right against my left ear, and so
tumbled me to the ground. I would have blown the rascal's brains out,
in requital of this assault, had there been a charge left in my piece,
or had he given me time to reload; but as soon as he had cast the
brick, he ran from the window, and then reappeared, holding out an old
musket that, I remembered, he kept to shoot wild ducks and muskrats in
the neighbouring marsh with. Seeing this formidable weapon, and not
knowing but that the desperado would fire upon me, I was forced to beat
a retreat, which I did in double quick time, being soon joined by my
dog Ponto, who had fled, like a coward, at the first bow-wough of the
bulldog, and saluted in my flight by the amiable tones of Dinah, who
now thrust her head from the window, beside Jim's, and abused me as
long as I could hear.
BOOK II.
CONTAINING SUNDRY ILLUSTRATIONS OF THE ADVANTAGES OF GOOD LIVING, WITH
A FEW CHAPTERS ON DOMESTIC FELICITY.
CHAPTER I.
SOME PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF JOHN H. HIGGINSON, ESQ., THE HAPPY
SPORTSMAN; WITH A SURPRISING AFFLICTION THAT BEFELL THE AUTHOR.
I went off in a towering rage, to think of the reception I had met, and
that too after an absence of a whole night. I had been bitten by my own
dog, and driven from my own doors by my own servants! But there was
something in these circumstances to admonish me of the change that had
come over me. They reminded me of a fact that was not always present to
my thoughts,--to wit, that I was no longer Sheppard Lee, but Mr. John
Hazlewood Higginson, a very different sort of personage altogether.
To account for my forgetfulness of this important transformation, I
must relate that, although I had acquired along with his body all
the peculiarities of feeling, propensity, conversation, and conduct
of Squire Higginson, I had not entirely lost those that belonged
to Sheppard Lee. In fact, I may be said to have possessed, at that
time, two different characters, one of which now governed me, and now
the other; though the squire's, it must be confessed, was greatly
predominant. Thus, the moment after the transformation, I found
myself endowed with a passion for shooting, as if I had had it all my
life long, a buoyant tone of mind, and, in addition, as I by-and-by
discovered, with somewhat a hot temper; none of which had ever been
known to me before. The difficulty was, that I could not immediately
shake off my old Sheppard Lee habits; and the influence of these,
perhaps (if one must scrutinize into the matter), more than the
absolute retention of any other native peculiarities, drove me into the
inconsistencies of which I was for a short time guilty. But I will not
trouble the reader with philosophizing.
I perceived, from the repulse I had received from Jim Jumble, that it
now became me to sink his old master altogether, which I was very well
content to do, and resolved accordingly; although I could not help
thinking, as I strode over the forty-acre farm, how much satisfaction I
should have, now that I was a rich man, in putting it into fine order.
But these thoughts were soon driven from my mind by Ponto making a set
at some game, and in a moment I was banging away, right and left, and
slaughtering the birds in the finest style imaginable.
Oh, the delights of shooting woodcock! It is rather hot work, though,
of a midsummer day; and notwithstanding the prodigious satisfaction I
had in pursuing the sport, I felt that my satisfaction would have been
still greater, had I been a few stone lighter. I began to think Squire
Higginson's fat rather inconvenient; and I had the same opinion of a
touch of asthma, or something of that nature, which I found in his
lungs; and, besides, there was a sort of whizzing, and humming, and
spinning in my head, where they had been all the morning which were not
altogether agreeable.
In consequence of these infirmities of my new body, I began, after a
while, to weary of the sport; and was just on the point of setting
off to the village to get my dinner, when a crowd of men made their
appearance in the marsh, and setting up a great shout at sight of
me, began to run towards me. I could not conceive the cause of such
a concourse, nor could I imagine for what reason they directed their
steps towards me; but hearing them utter the most furious cries, and
perceiving that a multitude of dogs they had with them were rushing
against me, as if to devour me, I was seized with alarm, and began to
retreat towards a wood that was not far off.
This evidence of terror on my part only caused the people to utter
louder and more savage cries, besides setting the dogs to running
faster; and these ferocious animals gaining upon me, and being on the
point of tearing me to pieces, I was obliged to let fly my piece among
them, whereby I shot one dead, and disabled two or three others. I then
defended myself with the breech of my gun, until the men came up; one
of whom tripped up my heels, while the others seized and disarmed me,
crying out "that I was a murderer; that I was found out, and should be
hanged, if there was any law in the county."
I was confounded at this charge; but how much greater was my amazement,
when I understood, as they haled me along towards the village, which
they did very roughly, that I was accused of having murdered Sheppard
Lee--that is, my own identical self!
This accusation appeared to me so preposterous, that in spite of my
indignation (for my fears had now subsided), I burst into a laugh;
which only made them rail at me more furiously than I can express.
"Hear him!" said they; "he laughs! He thinks, because he is a rich man,
he can shoot any poor man he pleases, and buy himself off. But we will
show him there's law in Jersey for aristocrats as well as poor men, and
that we can hang a purse-proud man as soon as a beggar."
And so they went on reviling me as if I had been the greatest criminal
in the land, and dragging me, as they said, to a squire, who would soon
show me what law was.
I tried to reason with them, but it was all in vain; I then fell into
a passion, and cursed and swore at them in a way which I am certain I
never did before at any human being; having always had, while Sheppard
Lee, a great horror of profanity; but this was just as fruitless
an expedient as the other. They dragged me on until we reached the
village, where we found all in a hubbub, men, women, and children
running about as if mad, and exclaiming that "Squire Higginson had
murdered Sheppard Lee, and hid the body in the Owl-roost Swamp." As
soon as they saw me they set up a shout, and some low fellows among
them raged in such a degree that I thought they would have massacred
me in the street. They crowded round me, hustled me, seized me by the
collar, shook their fists in my face, and, in general, testified such a
vindictive concern for the murder of poor Sheppard Lee, as they called
him, that I might have supposed there was never a man more widely
beloved than myself, had I not known otherwise--or, rather, had I not
been too closely occupied to suppose any thing about it.
In a word, they carried me before Squire Andrew Parkins, who was a
fat man that I heartily despised; and here they called upon him for
justice, while I did the same thing, swearing that I would prosecute
every rascal of them for assault and battery, conspiracy, defamation,
and the Lord knows what beside; all of which, it seems, only inflamed
the mob against me the more. They charged me with the murder, and
the evidence they brought to support the charge appeared to Justice
Parkins sufficient to authorize his issuing a mittimus. There were
twenty persons to swear I had, two or three days before, acknowledged
having had a quarrel with Sheppard Lee on his farm--that is, the
forty-acre--and that he had ordered me off; and there were twenty
more to swear I was a man of such a hot and furious temper, that it
was a wonder I had not shot the poor man down on the spot. Then came
old Turnbuckle and his son, who swore that the ghost of Sheppard Lee
had come to them in the gray of the morning, calling for help, and
assuring them that he (or his body) lay murdered under the beech-tree
in the hollow; that as soon as the phantom had vanished, and they
recovered from their fears, they roused the neighbours, and sending
some to my house, who learned I had not been at home all night, the
others proceeded to the hollow, where they found a freshly-dug grave,
with spade and mattock in it, and near it they lit upon my hat and one
of my shoes, which latter was bloody, as well as the grass on which
it lay; that then, looking round them, they discovered me (that is,
John Higginson), sneaking away through the reeds on the marsh in a
suspicious way; that at that moment old Jim Jumble was brought forward,
who said I (John Hazlewood Higginson) had come to the house, shot his
bulldog, threatened to blow his brains out, and bragged that I had
just finished, or, in other words, murdered his master, Sheppard Lee;
and, finally, that this confirming the suspicions they all had against
me, they pursued me (I retreating and shooting their dogs, like a
man conscious of guilt, and anxious to escape), and captured me, not
without a furious resistance on my part.
On the strength of this testimony I was committed to jail, whither I
was conducted amid the shouts of the mob. Squire Parkins (doubtless to
beg off as well as he could) afterward privately assured me, that he
had committed me to prison, not from any belief that I was guilty, or
that the testimony really warranted such a step, but because he was
afraid the people would otherwise murder me, and considered that the
only way to protect me from their violence.
Meanwhile, there was a great search made for my--that is, Sheppard
Lee's--body; the general belief being that I--that is, John H.
Higginson--had cast it into the swamp, after having been at the pains
to dig a grave, wherein I at first designed to hide it; and I do verily
believe that, had my unfortunate old casing been found, I should have
begun my new existence in the body of the man I had so much envied by
being hanged for the murder. Its sudden disappearance was therefore not
more extraordinary than it was really fortunate.
CHAPTER II.
THE AUTHOR, BEING IN PRISON, MAKES A CONFIDANT OF A DEPUTY
ATTORNEY-GENERAL.--THE INCONVENIENCE OF TELLING A TRUTH WHICH HAPPENS
TO BE SOMEWHAT INCREDIBLE.
My wrath gave way when I found myself in prison; and hearing from the
jailer that the grand jury was then in session, and the prosecuting
attorney actually engaged in framing a bill of endictment against me,
to send up to its members, I began to think the matter rather serious,
and resolved to end it before it proceeded further.
I had already experienced the ill effects of attempting to sustain the
character of Sheppard Lee while in the body of another man, and for
this reason was resolved to be more cautious for the future; but I now
perceived I had no better way of relieving myself of my troubles than
by making the prosecutor, who had been an old friend of mine, and had
always treated me with respect, acquainted with my transformation;
after which, I had no doubt, he would throw his bill of endictment into
the fire. I sent for him accordingly; but was obliged to repeat the
message before he thought fit to make his appearance.
"You have perhaps made a mistake, Mr. Higginson," said he, as he
entered. "You have occasion for counsel, but none that I can imagine
for _me_; for as to my giving you any advice in this unfortunate
affair--".
"The devil take the affair," said I, in no amiable voice; "it was to
get rid of it entirely that I sent for you; for I must stop that cursed
endictment of yours. I don't want it said of me hereafter that I was
once in my life endicted for a felony."
"Oh, sir," said he, with a smile, "we are in no hurry about these
things; the bill will lie over till we can procure a little more
evidence, and some of a better quality. Don't be in any alarm; but
allow me to recommend you to employ counsel. My friend Sharphead, I
think, will be your best man."
"I don't want any counsel," said I, "and Sharphead may go to the devil;
I want to confide to you the true secret of this extraordinary affair."
"Faith, sir," said he, looking at me in surprise, "if you can do that,
the case is not so ridiculous as I thought. Really, Mr. Higginson, I
was rather amused than otherwise at the charge brought against you,
not supposing you knew any thing of, or had any connexion whatever
with, the disappearance of poor Sheppard Lee. But, since you talk of
secrets, sir, I must inform you, I am not the person you should make
any confessions to. I must again recommend you to employ counsel."
And with that he was about leaving me, but I arrested him. "Stop,
Jack," said I (his name was John Darling, and he is very well known
in the state, though he was turned out of office), "you and I are old
friends, and we must have a talk together."
At these words he gave me a hard stare, looking more astonished than
ever.
"Jack," said I, taking him by the hand, "I'll make you stare harder
than that. Sheppard Lee is no more dead than I am; though, as for his
body, I believe Old Nick has got it. Now, my boy, I take it you will
act as a friend in this matter, and not blab my secret: but the truth
is, it is John H. Higginson who is dead, and _I_ who am living."
"The deuse it is!" said the lawyer, whose amazement set me into a
capital humour. "And pray, sir," he added, "if John H. Higginson is
dead, who are _you_?"
"Sheppard Lee!" said I, bursting into a laugh, "only that you see me
now in John H. Higginson's body."
I then proceeded to inform him, as I have informed the reader, of my
digging for the treasure, of my sudden death, of the visit of my spirit
to old Turnbuckle's, of the disappearance of my body, of my finding
and entering that of Squire Higginson, in which he now saw me, and, in
fine, of all the other circumstances connected with the transformation;
all which he heard like a man whom the novelty of the relation
astounded into marble.
"Upon my soul," said he, when I had done, "you have told me a most
surprising story. And so you really think yourself Sheppard Lee--that
is, Sheppard Lee's spirit in Squire Higginson's body?"
"_Think_ myself, sir!" said I, a little fiercely.
"Do you presume to slight my veracity, sir? or to doubt my common
sense?"
"By no means," said he; "I have the utmost respect for both. Your story
has completely satisfied me of your innocence. A most wonderful story,
sir! truly, a most wonderful story!" And repeating these words over and
over again, he fell to nodding his head and musing, staring at me all
the time, like one who is lost in wonder; and then suddenly rousing up,
he burst into a roar of laughter. Seeing that I was incensed at his
merriment, he hastened to apologize, declaring that he was not laughing
at my story, but at the absurdity he had been so nigh committing in
endicting me for my own murder; and he added, that my relation was
altogether the most remarkable he had ever heard in his life.
I then gave him to understand, I expected, for very good and obvious
reasons, that he would keep the story to himself; which he faithfully
promised. He then fell to cross-questioning me in relation to different
points; and he was particularly curious to know what I supposed had
become of my body; when, not being able to satisfy him on that point,
he himself suggested that perhaps Squire Higginson's spirit had taken
possession of it, as I had done with his, and carried it off for some
purpose or other, and that we should soon have news of him; an idea
that was so agreeable to him, that he fell to laughing as hard as ever.
"Sir," said he, shaking me by the hand in excellent good-humour, "we
will soon have you out of this dog-hole, and that without betraying
your secret. Heaven forbid I should spoil the good fortune of my old
friend Sheppard Lee! No, sir, I am no tale-bearer, or blabber of
secrets. Comfort yourself, sir; I never had the least idea of endicting
you on this absurd charge. Nobody believes Sheppard Lee has been
murdered by you, nor, indeed, by any one else. No, poor devil! the
general opinion now is, that he has taken himself off, to get clear of
duns and sheriffs; and as for the bloody shoe and hat, why that's a
common way of turning pursuers off the scent, by throwing dust in their
eyes. The charge will be abandoned, sir; you will be liberated, and
may, if you like such amusement, prosecute your captors by the dozen
for assault and battery. Farewell, Mr. Higginson,--that is, Mr. Lee;
fortune smiles upon you at last; and you are a happy,--a wonderful man,
sir.--Farewell!"
The attorney then left me; and so much diverted was he by my adventure,
that I could hear him indulge peal after peal of mirth, until he had
got out of the prison.
Now it may be supposed that my story, from its reasonableness, carried
conviction to the attorney's mind; and so I was persuaded. But I
reckoned without my host; the hypocritical gentleman did not believe
a word of it, however much he pretended to do so. But in this he was
like the rest of the fraternity: I never, indeed, knew a lawyer to
believe any thing unless he was paid for it; and I forgot to present
my gentleman a fee. My story, therefore, not being paid for, or proved
according to law, only convinced this skeptical person that I--"the
unfortunate Higginson," as he called me--had suddenly lost my senses,
and gone staring mad; and in consequence, disregarding all his promises
of secrecy, he ran over the whole village, diverting every one he could
lay hands on with an account of "the poor squire's hallucination,"
as he termed it--that is to say, his conceit that his body was now
inhabited by the soul of Sheppard Lee.
But to give a certain personage his due, or one of that personage's
representatives, I must confess that Darling, who was at bottom a
good-natured fellow, recollected one part of his promise, and took
measures to effect my discharge from prison; which was no very
difficult matter, people being now pretty well aware of the folly
of the charge they had brought against me, and the absurdity of the
evidence designed to support it. The opinion was already entertained
that poor Sheppard Lee, instead of being murdered, had taken himself
out of the neighbourhood to avoid his creditors, having left his hat
and shoe in the swamp only as blinds to those who might be most anxious
to secure his person; and pursuers had already left the village to
discover his place of concealment.
CHAPTER III.
SHEPPARD LEE IS VISITED BY NEW FRIENDS, RELEASED FROM PRISON, AND
CARRIED TO HIS NEW PLACE OF ABODE.
Another service that the attorney did me, according to the jailer,
through whom I discovered all these things, was to despatch a messenger
to my friends in Philadelphia, with the news of my insanity and
imprisonment, and a request that they should send proper persons to
take charge of me after being liberated: and I was roused the following
morning by the appearance of some half a dozen kinsmen who had come to
the village for that purpose, fully persuaded that they should find me
a raging lunatic.
But the jailer's information had set me to reflecting upon my
difficulties, all of which, as I clearly perceived, were owing to my
indiscretion in attempting to keep up the character of Sheppard Lee
while in another man's body. I saw the necessity I was now placed under
to be Mr. John H. Higginson, and nobody else, for the future; and so
I resolved to be--for I did not like the idea of being clapped into a
mad-house by my new friends.
Yet they took me so much by surprise that I was guilty of some few
inconsistencies; for it was not immediately that I felt myself at case
in my new character.
The truth is, my situation was peculiar and embarrassing. With the body
of Mr. Higginson, I had acquired all his distinctive peculiarities,
as I mentioned before. But many of these were in a manner stupified
within me, and required to be renewed, or resuscitated, by processes
of association. I was like a man who has been roused from a lethargy,
which had destroyed or obscured his memory, though not his instincts;
and who betrays complete ignorance of past events, and forgetfulness
of old friends, until some accidental circumstance--a casual reference
to some past event, the tone of a voice, or other such cause--recalls
him, it may be, to sudden and complete, though usually imperfect,
consciousness.
Thus, when I was roused up in the morning, and beheld a good-looking
personage of about my own years shaking me by the shoulder, I regarded
him only as some impertinent stranger intruding upon my privacy,
saluted him with divers epithets expressive of rage and indignation,
and concluded by asking him "who the devil he was?"
"What! _I?_" said he, with the most doleful visage in the world; "why,
Timothy--that is, Tim Doolittle, your brother-in-law--Don't you know
me?"
And "Don't you know _me?_ and _me?_ and _me?_ your cousin, Tom This,
and your old friend, Dick That?" cried they all, with horrible long
faces; the oddity of which after a while set me a laughing, especially
when I came to recollect them all, as I did by-and-by when they had
pronounced their names; for at each name it seemed to me as if a film
fell from my eyes, and some spirit within awakened me to a vague
recollection of the person to whom it belonged. In a word, I became
aware that I was surrounded by a knot of my oldest and best friends,
all of them excellent jolly dogs and good fellows, who were come to
escort me home, and assured me that I was no longer a prisoner.
I shook them all by the hand, and contrasting for a moment in my mind
the melancholy condition in which I had lived as Sheppard Lee, with
my present glorious state, surrounded by friends, and conscious of
possessing lands, houses, stocks, Schuylkill coal-mines, and the Lord
knows what other goods beside, I fell into a rapture, danced about my
cell, and hugged every person present, as well as the jailer, and my
old friend Darling, the attorney, who happened at that moment to enter.
"Bravo!" said Tim Doolittle; "now you're the true Jack Higginson again;
and I don't believe you are mad a bit."
"Mad!" said I, thinking it needful to explain away that imputation,
"No, and I never was. I tumbled over an old rotten fence, and hurt my
head, which was, in consequence, in a whiz all day yesterday; but now
it is clear enough. I think I said some silly things about one thing
and another; but that's neither here nor there."
"Ah!" said Tim Doolittle, touching his forehead and looking as grave as
a bullfrog, "it's well it's no worse; for I always thought you had a
turn for apoplexy. But I'm glad you are so well; it will be good news
for poor Margaret."
"Margaret! who the deuse is she?" said I, feeling quite strange at the
name.
"Why, my poor sister, your wife, to be sure," said he.
My _wife!!!_ I recollected that I _had_ a wife; but the recollection
made me feel, I knew not exactly why, as if I had been suddenly soused
into cold water. It was a highly uncomfortable idea, and accordingly I
hastened to get rid of it.
"Let us leave this confounded place," I said; and we left the prison.
The prospect of a fine sunshiny day infused animation into my mind,
which was vastly increased when I stepped into a splendid new barouche,
with a pair of bay horses worth a thousand dollars--for so much Tim
gave me to understand _I_--that is to say, my prototype--had given for
them scarce a month before--the whole establishment being therefore my
own! "What a happy man am I! Ah! poor miserable Sheppard Lee! Farewell
now to poverty! farewell to discontent!"
Such were my secret ejaculations as we set out in my splendid barouche,
followed by a train of gigs and carriages that contained my friends. I
esteemed myself the happiest man in the world; and I gave my last sigh
to the memory of Sheppard Lee.
What a glorious time we had of it on our way to Philadelphia! I found
myself the richest man in the company--my pocketbook was full of
bank-notes--and I resolved to give my friends a blow-out. We stopped at
a certain village, and at a certain hotel therein, the master of which
prepares the best dinners, and has the best butt of genuine Madeira, in
all New-Jersey. "Let us rest and rejoice," I said, "and we will drive
into town after nightfall."
My friends agreed; we ate, drank, and were merry; and it was not until
after sunrise the next morning that we found ourselves in Philadelphia,
and in my--yes, excellent reader--in _my_ house in Chestnut-street,
south side, two doors from the corner of--But it is needless to be
particular. The house is yet standing, in a highly aristocratic
neighbourhood, and is not yet converted into a dry-goods shop.
I reached my house: I--But before I relate what befell me in that
splendid pile of red bricks, which, like its neighbours, seems to be
blushing all the year round at its naked simplicity, I must say a few
words more of Sheppard Lee.
CHAPTER IV.
CONTAINING ILLUSTRATIONS OF THE ADVANTAGES OF DYING AN UNUSUAL DEATH,
IN TIMES OF HIGH POLITICAL EXCITEMENT.
I never felt the slightest inclination to revisit the scenes of my late
trouble and discontent; but the newspapers, which are the lights of the
age, though occasionally somewhat smoky, acquainted me with the events
that followed after my marvellous disappearance. "What has become of
Sheppard Lee?" was the cry, after his creditors had sought for him
in vain during a space of two weeks and more. No vestige of him was
discovered, not the slightest clew to indicate his fate, beyond those
already brought to light in the Owl-roost. It was impossible he could
have fled without leaving some traces; and none were found. "And _why_
should he fly?" men at last began to ask. He was in debt, it was true;
but what could he gain by absconding, since his little property was
necessarily left behind him?
In a word, the improbabilities of his having voluntarily fled were so
great, that men began to recur to their original idea of his having
been murdered. But why was he murdered? and by whom? Some few began
to revive the charges against me--that is to say, against John H.
Higginson; but brighter ideas were struck out, and John H. Higginson
was forgotten. An old friend of mine, who never cared a fig for me,
but who was ambitious to create a tumult, and become the leader of a
party, got up in a public place, and recounted the history of William
Morgan, and his mysterious abduction and murder by the masons of the
empire state. A terrible agitation at once seized his listeners. "Poor,
dear, unfortunate Sheppard Lee!" they cried; "the masons have Morganized
him, for apostatizing from his oaths, and revealing the secrets of the
society! Yes, he has been Morganized!" And, giving way to their rage,
they were on the point of tarring and feathering all the free-masons
they could lay their hands on; when, _presto_--as the conjurers say,
they suddenly made discovery that the masons could not have murdered
me for divulging secrets, inasmuch as I had never known them, nor for
apostatizing, as I had never been a mason in my life.
But the tumult was not allowed to subside. My old friends of the
administration, finding that their strength was dwindling away in
the country, and dreading the event of the coming election, unless a
reaction could be got up in their favour, suddenly burst into a fury,
swore that I had been made away with by the opposition, on account
of my remarkable zeal, energy, and success, as an electioneerer and
political missionary; and taking my old hat and shoe, and carrying
them round the village in solemn procession, they stopped in the
market-place, where one of their chief orators--my faithful friend,
the new postmaster--delivered a sort of funeral address, in which
he compared the opponents of the administration to cut-throats and
cannibals, pronounced them the enemies of liberty, swore that no honest
patriot was safe among them, and declared--his declaration being
illustrated by shouts, and groans, and grim faces--"that I had perished,
the victim of a murderous opposition!"
But, as if that was not immortality enough for one of my humble
pretensions, the opposition instantly turned the tables upon their
accusers. Witnesses stepped forward to prove that, on the night when
I was seen for the last time, I had, in the bar-room of the first
hotel in the village, publicly denounced the hurrah party, as being
based upon deception and fraud, and avowed my determination not only
instantly to leave it, but to go my death thenceforth in opposition.
"See the bloody vindictiveness and malice of the hurrah party!"
they cried; "before the sun rose upon this unfortunate and honest
man--honest, because he deserted his party the moment his eyes were
opened to its corruption--he was a living man no longer. The bravoes
of this horrible gang of mid-night murderers, who have trampled on our
rights and liberties, and now trample on our lives, met the unlucky
patriot as he returned to his lowly cot, and--just Heavens!--where was
he now, save in his bloody and untimely grave? he, the humble, the
unoffending, the honest, the universally-esteemed, the widely-beloved,
the patriotic Sheppard Lee!--waylaid and ambushed! killed, slain,
murdered, massacred! the victim of a despotic and vindictive
cabal,--the martyr of liberty, the--" In short, the noblest, honestest,
dearest, best, and most ill-used creature that ever dabbled in the
puddle of politics. One might suppose that this outcry of the antis,
backed as it was by the full proof of my change of politics, would have
stopped the mouths of the hurrah-boys. But it did no such thing; they
only raved the louder. As for the proof of my backsliding, they treated
that with contempt; proofs being as little regarded in politics as
arguments. They accused the antis more zealously than before; and the
antis recriminated with equal enthusiasm.
There were some men in the village who strove to appease the ferment,
by directing suspicion upon the German doctor, and divers other
personages, just as the humour of suspicion seized them, furiously
accusing these suspected individuals of having had some hand in the
catastrophe. But the German doctor and the other persons accused
had nothing to do with politics, and were therefore suffered to go
their ways. It is a great protection to one's reputation to keep
clear of politics. The guilt of my murder was left to be borne by the
hurrah-boys and the antis, one party or the other; but as the evidence
was equally strong against either party, and just as strong against
any one individual of either party as another, it resulted that I was
murdered not only by both parties, but by every man of both parties;--a
peculiarity in my history that proved me to have possessed, though I
never dreamed it before, a vaster number both of energetic friends and
bloodthirsty enemies (each man being both friend and enemy) than any
other man in the whole world.
How the antis and the hurrah-boys settled the affair among them, I did
not care to inquire. I was engrossed by the novelties and charms of a
new being, and willing to forget that such a poor devil as Sheppard Lee
had ever existed.
CHAPTER V.
THE TRUE MEANING OF THE WORD PODAGRA.
Let the reader judge of my transport, when my elegant new barouche
and splendid pair of horses, that cost me a thousand dollars, drew up
before my house in Chestnut-street. I stood upon the kerb-stone and
surveyed it from top to bottom. The marble of the steps, basement, and
window-sills was white as snow, and the bricks were redder than roses.
The windows were of plate glass, and within them were curtains of
crimson damask, fronted with hangings of white lace, as fine and lovely
as a bride's veil of true Paris blonde; and a great bouquet of dahlias,
wreathed around a blooming rose, glittered in each. It was evidently
the house of a man of wealth and figure.
The neighbourhood, it was equally manifest, was of the highest vogue
and distinction: on one side was the dwelling of a fashionable
tailor, who built a house out of every ten coats that he cut; on the
other side was the residence of a retired tavern-keeper; and right
opposite, on the other side of the street, was the mansion of one of
the first aristocrats in the town, who had had neither a tailor nor
a tavern-keeper in the family for a space of three full generations.
There was no end to the genteel people in my neighbourhood; here was
the house of a firstrate lawyer, there of a shop-keeper who had not
sold any thing by retail for ten years; here a Croesus of a carpenter
who turned up his nose at the aristocrat, and there a Plutus of a
note-shaver who looked with contempt on the gentleman of chips. In
short, my house was in a highly fashionable neighbourhood; and I felt,
as I mounted my marble steps, that Jack Higginson, the brewer (as my
brother Tim always called me), was as genteel a fellow among them as
you would find of a summer's day.
I entered the house as proud as Lucifer, telling my friends that they
should crack a bottle or two of my best port; for Tim had given me a
hint that my cellar contained some of the best in the world. "And,"
said Tim, giving me a wink, "we may take our fun now, as sister
Margaret--" at that name I felt a cold creeping in my bones--"as
sister Margaret is still in the country." The ague left me--"I did not
think it," he continued, "worth while to alarm her."
"The Lord be thanked!" said I; though _why_ I said it, I knew no more
than the man in the moon.
We sat down, we drank, and we made merry--that is to say, _they_ made
merry: as for myself, a circumstance occurred which nipped my pleasure
in the bud, and began to make me doubt whether, in exchanging the
condition of Sheppard Lee for that of John H. Higginson, I had not made
somewhat of a bad bargain.
I had managed, somehow or other, in the course of the night, to stump
my toe, or wrench my foot; and, though the accident caused me but
little inconvenience at the time, the member had begun gradually to
feel uneasy; and now, as I sat at my table, it grew so painful that
I was forced to draw off my boot. But this giving me little relief,
and finding that my foot was swollen out of all shape and beauty, my
brother Tim pronounced it a severe strain, and recommended that I
should call in my family physician, Dr. Boneset, a very illustrious
man, and fine fellow, who at that moment chanced to drive by in his
coal-black gig, which looked, as physicians' gigs usually look, as if
in mourning for a thousand departed patients.
"What's the matter?" said the doctor.
"Why, doctor," said I, "I have given my foot a confounded wrench; I
scarce know how; but it is as big and as hot as a plum-pudding."
"Hum, ay!--very unlucky," said the doctor: "off with your stocking, and
let me look at your tongue. Pulse quite feverish. Fine port!" he said,
drinking off a glass that Tim had poured him, and cocking his eye like
one who means to be witty, "fine port, sir; but one can't float in it
for ever without paying port-charges. A very gentlemanly disease, at
all events. It lies between port and porter."
"Port and porter! disease!" said I, slipping off my stocking as he
directed, without well knowing what he meant. My foot was as red as
a salamander, swelled beyond all expression, and, while I drew the
stocking, it hurt me most horribly.
"Zounds doctor!" said I, "can that be a wrench?"
"No," said the doctor, "it's the wrencher--genuine _podagra_, 'pon
honour."
"Podagra!" said I; "Podagra!" said Tim; and "Podagra!" said the others.
"What's that?"
"Gout!" said the doctor.
"Gout!" cried my friends; "Gout!!" roared my brother Tim; and "Gout!!!"
yelled I, starting from the doctor as if from an imp of darkness who
had just come to make claim to me. It was the unluckiest leap in the
world; I kicked over a chair as I started, and the touch was as if I
had clapped my foot into the jaws of a roaring lion. Crunch went every
bone; crack went every sinew; and such a yell as I set up was never
before heard in Chestnut-street.
"You see, gentlemen--(I'll take another glass of that port, Mr.
Doolittle)--you see what we must all come to! This is one of the
small penalties one must pay for being a gentleman; when one dances,
one must pay the piper. Now would my friend Higginson there give a
whole year of his best brewing, that all the pale ale and purple port
that have passed his lips had been nothing better than elder-wine
and bonny-clabber. But never mind, my dear sir," said the son of
Æsculapius, with a coolness that shocked me; "as long as it's only in
your foot, it's a small matter."
"A small matter!"--I grinned at him; but the unfeeling wretch only
repeated his words--"A small matter!"
I had never been sick before in my life. As John H. Higginson, my
worst complaints had been only an occasional surfeit, or a moderate
attack of booziness; and as Sheppard Lee, I had never known any disease
except laziness, which, being chronic, I had grown so accustomed to
that it never troubled me. But now, ah, _now_! my first step into the
world of enjoyment was to be made on red-hot ploughshares and pokers;
my first hour of a life of content was to be passed in grinning, and
groaning, and--but it is hardly worth while to say it. The gout should
be confined to religious people; for men of the world _will_ swear, and
that roundly.
For six days----six mortal days----did I lay upon my back, enduring
such horrible twitches and twinges in my foot, that I was more than
once on the point of ordering the doctor to cut it off; and I do not
know how far that conceit might have gone, had not the heartless
fellow, who, I believe, was all the while making game of my torments,
assured me that the only effect of the dismemberment would be to drive
the enemy into the other foot, where it would play the same tricks over
again. "The gout," said he, "has as great an affection for the human
body as a cat has for a house in which she has been well treated. When
it once effects a lodgment, and feels itself comfortable--"
"Comfortable!" said I, with a groan.
"In good easy quarters--"
"Don't talk to me of _easy_ quarters," said I; "for if I were hacked
into quarters, and that by the clumsiest butcher in the town, I could
not be more uneasy in every quarter."
"I am talking," said Dr. Boneset, "not of you, but of the disease; and
what I meant to say was, that when it once finds itself at home, in a
good wholesome corporation of a man, there you may expect to find it a
tenant for life."
"For life!" said I. "I am the most wretched man in existence. Oh,
Sheppard Lee! Sheppard Lee! what a fool were you to think yourself
miserable!--Doctor, I shall go mad!"
"Not while you have the gout," said he; "'tis a sovereign protection
against all that.--But let us look at your foot." And the awkward or
malicious creature managed to drop a tortoise and gold snuff-box, of
about a pound and a half weight, which he was always sporting, right
upon the point of my great toe, while he was looking at it. Had it been
a ton and a half instead of a pound and a half in weight, it could not
have thrown me into greater torture; and the--the man!--he thought he
had settled the matter by making me a handsome apology! He left me to
endure my pangs, and to curse Squire Higginson's father, grandfather,
great-grandfather, and, in general, all his forefathers, who had
entailed such susceptible great toes upon the family. In a word, I was
in such a horrible quandary, that I wished the devil would fly off with
my new body, as he had done before with the old.
CHAPTER VI.
SHEPPARD LEE'S INTRODUCTION TO HIS WIFE, AND HIS SUSPICION THAT ALL IS
NOT GOLD THAT GLISTENS.
But there is, as philosophers say, an unguent for every wound, a solace
for every care; and it was my fate to experience the consolation that
one provides beforehand against the gout, as well as all other ills man
may anticipate, in the person of a faithful spouse. On the fourth day
of my malady, and just at a moment when I was fairly yelling with pain,
a lady, neither young nor beautiful, but dressed like a princess, save
that her shoes were down at heel, and her bonnet somewhat awry, stepped
up to my bedside, seized me by the hand, and crying out, "Oh my poor
dear husband!" burst into tears.
Her appearance acted like a charm; even my foot, that seemed to be
roasting over one of Nott's patent anthracite blazers, grew cool
and comfortable in the chill that was diffused over my whole body.
Complaint was silent at the sight of her; pain vanished at her touch; I
forgot that I had the gout, and remembered only that I had a wife.
I was struck dumb, and presume I should not have groaned again for
twenty-four hours, had not my consort, in the exuberance of her
affection and grief, thrown her arms around my neck, and thereby
brought the whole weight of her body upon my foot, which, after
having tried all parts of the bed, I had at last lodged upon the
very extremity of the feathers; by which act of endearment my poor
unfortunate limb was crushed against the horrible log of mahogany that
made one side of the bed-stead, and ground to pieces. Had my wife been
my wife twenty times over, I must have uttered just as loud a cry as I
did, and repeated it just as often.
She started up, and regarded me with severity.
"Is that the way you use me?" said she.--I believe I had rather pushed
her away; but _how_ could I help it?--"Is that the way you welcome me
home, whither I have come,--leaving kinsfolk and friends,--to nurse
you? Barbarous man, you hate me! yes, and besides having no longer any
love for me, you have not even the slightest regard for my feelings.
But don't think, Mr. Higginson, that I will be treated so any longer;
you may break my heart,--your poor Margaret's heart,--if you will,
but--but--" And here the affectionate creature was so overcome that
she could not utter another word, but sat down wringing her hands and
weeping as if I had broken her heart, and she had not crushed my foot!
But, as far as my experience enables me to form any opinion on such a
subject, I must say, that wives have an extraordinary knack at turning
the tables on their husbands.
"For Heaven's sake, madam," said I, "don't set me distracted;"--the
pain and her absurd reproaches together made me both frantic and
ferocious--"don't make me believe that Adam's wife was made out of the
bone of a gouty leg, instead of a good sound rib."
"What do you mean by that, sir?" said Mrs. Higginson.
"Only," said I, gritting my teeth, "that I have some thoughts she must
have been a piece of the sorest bone in his body."
My wife marched up to the bed, and looked me in the face. My wrath
went out like a gas-light before a black frost; my agonies again
disappeared. There was no standing that look, unless one could stand
the look of a Jersey black-snake, famous beyond all other snakes for
its powers of fascination. And, talking of snakes, I must add, that,
while my wife gave me that look, I felt as if one, just turned out of
winter-quarters, horribly cold and creepy, were slipping down my back.
She looked at me with mingled anger and disdain.
"How often have I told you, Mr. Higginson," she said, "never to attempt
to be witty, since you only expose your folly--I won't use any harder
word. And whatever you do, sir," she added, beginning to cry again,
"don't make a jest of your wife, sir. You're always doing it, sir;
you're always making me appear ridiculous to your friends and to
myself; you treat me as if I were a fool--you--"
"Madam," said I, endeavouring to appease her a little, for I was quite
overcome by her violence, "remember that I have the gout, and am
suffering the--"
"Yes!" she cried; "and you are determined that everybody else shall
suffer as well as yourself, and me in particular. Oh, Mr. Higginson!
how can you use me so? I'll never speak to you another word!"
And down she sat again, weeping and wringing her hands harder than
ever, and moping and whining the Lord knows how long.
"Sheppard Lee! Sheppard Lee!" I muttered (but I took good care not to
mutter aloud), "you were not the most miserable dog in the world by a
great deal. A gouty constitution and a perverse wife are--oh! pangs and
purgatory!"
I hoped my consort, being so greatly incensed, would take herself out
of the room, when I determined, though it should cost me a howl for
every step, to get up and lock the door on her, come of it what might;
but she was not of that mind. She maintained her seat, sobbing and
sighing, and, by taking off her hat and flinging it pettishly into
a corner, made it manifest that she had determined to nurse me in
earnest, though in a way entirely of her own. Happily, the paroxysm of
suffering, which was at its height when she entered, soon subsided;
and being left greatly exhausted, and her sobs having somewhat of a
soporific quality, I managed, notwithstanding my mental disquiet, to
fall fast asleep; whereby I got rid for a time of an evil in many
respects equal to the gout itself.
Two days after I was able to leave my bed, though not to walk: had I
been, I am strongly of opinion I should have walked out of my house--
out of the city of Philadelphia--and perhaps out of the United States
of America--nay, and upon a pinch, out of the world itself, to get rid
of my beloved wife. Who would have believed in our village, that John
H. Higginson, who seemed to have nothing in the world to do but to
slaughter woodcocks, beat his dog Ponto, and ride about in a fine new
barouche with a pair of horses that cost a thousand dollars; who had a
dwelling-house in Chestnut-street, a brewery in the Northern Liberties,
with an ale-butt as big as the basin of the Mediterranean, a goodly
store of real estate in town and country, bank-stock and coal-mines,
and a thousand other of the good things of the world--who, I say,
would have believed that this same John H. Higginson was decidedly the
most miserable dog in the whole universe? It was truth, every word of
it; and before I was six days old in my new body, I wished--no, not
that the devil had me--but I was more than willing he should have the
better half of me. I had the gout, my wife was a shrew, and I was--a
henpecked husband.
Yes! the reader may stare, and bless his stars--the manly John H.
Higginson, who seemed to have no earthly care or trouble, and who was
so little deficient in spirit that he could quarrel with a Jersey
farmer while trespassing on his grounds, shoot his bull-dog, and take
aim at his negro, had long since succumbed to the superior spirit, and
acknowledged the irresponsible supremacy of his wife; in the field,
and at a distance from his house, he was a man of spirit and figure,
but at home the most submissive of the henpecked. Resistance against a
petticoat government is, as all know, the most hopeless of resistance:
a single man has often subverted a monarchy, and overturned a republic;
but history has not yet recorded an instance of successful rebellion on
the part of a married man against the tyranny of a wife. The tongue of
woman is the only true sceptre; for, unlike other emblems of authority,
it is both the instrument of power and the axe of execution. John H.
Higginson attempted no resistance against the rule of his wife; the
few explosions of impatience of which he was now and then guilty, were
punished with a rigour that awed him into discretion. On this subject I
feel myself eloquent, and I could expatiate on it by the hour. But I am
writing not so much the history of my reflections as of my adventures;
and I must hasten on with my story.
CHAPTER VII.
A COMPARISON BETWEEN DUNNING AND SCOLDING, WITH SOME THOUGHTS ON
SUICIDE.
No one but a henpecked husband who may happen to be shut up in prison
with his wife, can appreciate the horror of the situation in which
I now found myself placed. The gout prevented my escaping, even for
a moment, from the sway of my spouse; she truly had me tied to her
apron-string, and, as I may say, by a cord that went round my sore
foot. I was a martyr to two of the greatest ills that ever afflicted
a son of Adam; and the two together were not to be borne. Either, if
alone, I might perhaps have tolerated, in consideration of the many
good things that marked my lot. I might have endured the gout, if I
had had a wife who, instead of scolding at me, would have suffered me,
as a good wife should, to do all the scolding myself; or I might even
have submitted to the tyranny of my Margaret, had I been able to beat a
retreat when I grew tired of it. But my wife and the gout together were
not to be borne by any human being: they set me, after a while, quite
distracted.
What pleasure had I in being the rich John H. Higginson? It was in vain
that my brother-in-law, Tim (who, it appears, was the junior partner
and factotum in the brewery, as well as manager-general of my affairs),
bragged to me of the astonishing rise in my property, and declared
I was already worth a hundred thousand dollars; in the midst of my
exultation I heard my wife's voice on the stairs, and my joy oozed out
of the hair of my head. I could only look at Tim and groan, and Tim did
the same; for, poor fellow, though only her brother, he was as much
henpecked as myself. "Never mind," said Tim, consolatorily; "your foot
will be well by-and-by, and then we shall have a jolly time together."
But my comforter took great care on such occasions to sneak out of the
house in good time, and so leave me to bear the evil by myself.
In the course of two weeks, or thereabouts, my foot had so far
recovered that I was able to put it on the ground, and hobble about a
little with a crutch; but I had lost all hope of ever being able to
resume my exercises in the field. I was therefore reduced to despair;
and my wife becoming more intolerable every day, I began to be so weary
of existence, that I was once or twice on the point of making away with
myself.
She was, in truth, the nonpareil of women and of scolders. I have
called her a shrew; but it must not be supposed she was of that species
to which men give the name of Tartar. She was none of your fierce,
pepper-tempered creatures, who wrangle in a loud voice over the whole
house, and sometimes take broomsticks to the servants. Such viragoes
are in a measure sufferable, for they are sometimes in a good-humour.
My Margaret was of the family of _Croakers_, as they are called; that
is, of a lugubrious, grumbling complexion, always sad and whining, full
of suspicions and reproaches, now in tears, now in hysterics, always
in an ill-humour, and so keeping every one about her in a state of
misery. I never knew a servant, male or female, old or young, black
or white, to remain in the house two weeks at a time, except a poor
little negress that had been bound to me--that is, my prototype--under
indentures; and she, after running away a dozen times, began to mope,
and pine, and look so sorrowful, that, out of pity, I sent her home
to her mother. As for myself, being incapable of flying, and exposed
all day long to her lectures and reproaches, I became melancholy and
desperate, wished myself Sheppard Lee again, with the constable and
sheriff both after me, and, twice or thrice, as I have hinted before,
resolved to put an end to my life.
One day, while I was reading the papers, I fell upon the account of
a man who had hanged himself. "He was in good circumstances," said
the journal, "and had a wife and three children. No reason has been
assigned or suspected for his rash act."
"No doubt his wife was a shrew!" said I to myself, "and there was no
way of getting rid of her; and so it was the wisest thing the poor man
could do."
I thought over this occurrence so long, that it produced a great
effect upon my mind; and my wife leaving me one day more incensed and
desperate than ever, I snatched up a bit of cord that lay in my way,
and resolved to strangle myself forthwith. I should have hanged myself
over the chamber door, but was in dread I might slip down to the floor,
and hurt my foot; and thinking it more genteel to die in my bed, I made
the cord into a noose, or ring, through which, having placed it about
my neck, I clapped a silver candlestick, by means of which I thought I
might twist the cord tight enough to strangle me. And so I might, had I
possessed the nerve; but in truth, I no sooner found my breath a little
obstructed, than I became alarmed with the idea of apoplexy, which was
always frightful to me, and so gave over my purpose.
On another occasion I sent to an apothecary whom I knew, for a vial
of prussic acid, which takes life so expeditiously, that, as I
supposed, one could have no time to be in pain. But that I might know
in what manner it operated, I gave a quantity to a neighbour's cat,
which had found her way into my chamber, and made friends with me
during my confinement; and the creature was thrown into such horrible
convulsions, and set up such a diabolical yell, that although she was
stone-dead in less than half a minute, I was convinced this was the
most uncomfortable way of dying that could be hit on.
I had then some thoughts of drowning myself, and only hesitated whether
I should try the experiment in the bath-tub, or wait until I could bear
a ride over the paving-stones to the river. As to cutting my throat, or
blowing my brains out, I had never the slightest idea of trying either;
for in respect to the former, besides that it makes such a horrible
puddle of blood about one's body, it causes one to look as vulgar and
low-lived as a slaughtered bullock; and as for the latter, I was so
familiar with fire-arms, that I knew them to be weapons one cannot
trifle with.
But fortune, that had served me such a scurvy trick in saddling me with
gout and a scolding wife, along with the wealth of John H. Higginson,
willed that I should employ none of these deadly expedients against my
life, but get rid of my distresses in a manner much more remarkable and
novel.
CHAPTER VIII.
SHEPPARD LEE FORMS SUNDRY ACQUAINTANCES, SOME OF WHICH ARE GENTEEL.
It was three full weeks before I left my chamber; and during the last
days of that confinement, the only amusement I had consisted in looking
from the window, after properly poising my leg on a soft cushion, upon
what passed in the streets; and this, as the reader may suppose, I only
enjoyed when my wife left off tormenting me for a moment, to go down
stairs and torment the servants.
This was poor pastime for one of my habits and turn of mind; but my
wife had made me contemplative; and had it not been for the perpetual
dread of her return that I was under, I think I might have extracted
some diversion from what I saw in the streets. But being in constant
fear and vexation, I looked on with a spirit too morose and cynical for
my own enjoyment.
Day after day, between the hours of five and six in the afternoon,
I observed Mr. Cutclose, the tailor, descend from his marble steps,
and climb upon the back of a horse, to take the evening air. He
rode like one who had taken his chief lessons on the shop-board;
and I often wondered he did not draw up his legs, and sit on the
saddle hunker-fashion at once; but what particularly struck me
was the compliment he paid himself of wearing his own coats, cut
American-fashion about the arm-holes, and so keeping himself in
purgatory all day long. He used to give parties every fortnight, and
invite all the dandies whom he had down in his tick-book; by which
means his entertainments were rendered highly genteel and fashionable.
Next door to Mr. Cutclose lived the great lawyer of our square, the
celebrated Coke Butterside, Esq. I could see him sally out every
morning with his green bag, which he carried in his own hands, either
because he intended to be a candidate at the next Congressional
election, and would seem democratic, or because he was afraid, if
he intrusted it to another, the devil might snap it up as his own
property. He had a lordly, self-satisfied air about him, as if he felt
the full merit of his vocation, and prided himself upon having more men
by the ears than any other in the whole city. His bow was exceedingly
condescending, and his look protecting.
Nearer at hand was the dwelling of the old note-shaver--old Goldfist,
as they called him, though his true name was Skinner. He was horribly
rich, and such a miserly, insatiable old hunks, that although he had
ostensibly retired from business (he was originally a pawn-broker)
for some six or seven years, he still kept up his trade in a certain
way, that was not so reputable as gainful, and of which I shall have
occasion to say something by-and-by. He was said to be a good friend of
such desperate young gentlemen as moved in high life, and had passable
expectations from rich uncles and parents, but he was said to hold his
friendship at very extortionate prices. How such a skinflint as he
ever came to live in a good house and in a fashionable quarter, was a
question not easy to solve. But according to Tim my brother-in-law's
story, he came for economy, having got the house of a demolished
aristocrat who had fallen into his clutches, and found it in so
dilapidated a condition that he chose to live in it himself rather than
submit to the expense of preparing it for a tenant. It brought him,
moreover, nearer to his customers; and perhaps the old curmudgeon, who
had a daughter and a brace of hopeful sons, had a hope of thus getting
them into society.
But one who lives at Heaven's gate does not live in Heaven, as the
saying is. Old Goldfist kept neither horses nor carriages, nor did he
give parties: I doubt whether he ever asked anybody to dine with him
in his life; and as for his boys and his girl, all of whom were grown
up, he kept them in such a mean condition that they were not company
for genteel people. Everybody despised them, especially Cutclose the
tailor, who turned up his nose at them, and called them rooterers,
which, I am told (for I never troubled myself to study the modern
languages, there being so many of them), is a French word signifying
_low people_.[1]
[1] Perhaps _roturiers_. Rooterers is, however, good America French
--Printer's Devil.
This old money-maker, who had a stoop in the shoulders, used to
parade the street up and down before his own door every sunshiny
day, in a thread-bare brown coat, to which he sometimes added a blue
spencer roundabout, a silver-headed stick in one hand, and a yellow
handkerchief in the other. The latter he was wont every two or three
minutes to clap to his nose, producing thereby an explosion, which,
notwithstanding the muffler over his nostrils, was prodigiously strong
and sonorous; and once, to my knowledge, it frightened a young lady
into the gutter.
I could say a great deal more of this old gentle man, whom everybody
despised, but whom every man took off his hat to, on account of his
wealth; but I shall have occasion to speak of him hereafter.
As for the rest of my neighbours, I do not think them worthy of notice.
I might, indeed, except Mr. Periwinkle Smith, my opposite neighbour,
spoken of before, whom I knew to belong to that order of aristocracy
which is emphatically termed chip-chop, and who was of such pure blood
that it had known no mechanical taint for three different generations,
the nearest approach to such disgrace being found in a family of
ragamuffins, who claimed to be Mr. Smith's relations, merely because
they were descended from his grandfather, but who were very properly
discountenanced by him.
This old gentleman had a daughter who seemed to be universally admired,
judging from the numbers of visiters of both sexes who besieged her
father's door every morning. To do her justice, I must say she was very
handsome; but she had the additional merit of being an only child, and
therefore an heiress, as was supposed. I thought so myself, until Tim,
who knew something of everybody's affairs, assured me that her father's
estate was eaten up by mortgages, that he was poor as a rat, and would
die insolvent.
Among the many young gentlemen who paid court to the fair Miss Smith,
I noticed one, who, besides being more assiduous in his attentions,
seemed also to enjoy a greater share of her regard than others. He was
a young fellow of uncommonly genteel figure; that is, he was long and
lank, somewhat narrow in the shoulders, but clean-limbed, and straight
as an arrow. He had a long face and hollow cheeks; but what his jaws
lacked in flesh was made up to them in beard, his whiskers, which
were coal-black, being as exuberant as if made by a brush-maker, and
stretching from his temples to the point of his chin, and so enveloping
his whole face. He had besides a pair of peaked mustaches, that would
have done honour to the Grand Seignior; and, with a turban and caftan
on, he might have paid his respects to the alumni of any college in the
land, without even the necessity of speaking bad Latin.[2] He dressed
well, walked with a step as easy and majestical as a stork or an
ostrich, and was evidently a favourite with the ladies.
[2] Here Sheppard Lee seems to have had in his eye a very ingenious
loafer of Pearl Slip, or thereabouts who, some years since, was seized
with the whim of travelling, and bamboozling the politic, especially
the learned part thereof. By the aid of little dog-Latin, horribly
anglicized in idiom and pronunciation, a stock of Gothamic impudence,
and features truly Yankee and vernacular, he convinced the cognoscenti
of one or more learned institutions that he was a highly unlucky son
of a Turk, born all the way off at Damascus.
His name, Tim told me, was I. D.--that is to say, Isaac
Dulmer--Dawkins; though, in consideration of the rusticalness of the
first member of the triad, and from regard to his feelings, which
were outraged by its pronunciation, his friends had universally
agreed to suppress it; and, in consequence, he was called I. Dulmer
Dawkins, Esquire, that title being added, because it is the only one
an American gentleman not in office, or the militia, can claim. He
was, as Timothy assured me, a dandy of the true style, being a born
scion of the chip-chop order, and, as such, admitted to all its honours
and immunities, though without the support of any living relations
in society, or, as his ill luck would have it, of connexions either.
He was said to possess some little property in town, and, what was
still better, to be the heir of a rich uncle without children, whom he
expected to die within a reasonable period. As for his town property,
my brother Tim doubted its existence altogether, and would perhaps
have been as skeptical in regard to the uncle, had he not known that
an uncle did really exist, and a rich one too, for he was largely
concerned in the distilling and lumbering business on the Susquehanna.
I am particular in making the reader acquainted with Mr. I. Dulmer
Dawkins, inasmuch as it was my fortune, after a time, to fall into a
connexion with him myself--as intimate as it was unexpected.
When I first saw him, I accounted him an ugly and uncouth personage,
and I regarded him with contempt and dislike. I had acquired, along
with other peculiarities of John H. Higginson, a hearty hatred for all
people who considered themselves better than myself; for, rich and
respectable as I was, I soon perceived that I was considered a very
low, vulgar personage by the true chip-chop aristocracy, and I longed
greatly at times, as I looked out of the window upon them, to take some
of them by the ears, and settle the matter of superiority between us in
that way.
But as for Mr. Dulmer Dawkins, I soon began to experience an interest
in him, which was indeed of a somewhat envious complexion. I frequently
saw him dancing along at the side of the fair Miss Smith; and he
seemed so exceedingly happy and content, and she cast upon him so many
approving glances, that I could not help contrasting his condition with
mine. There he strutted in the open street, young, active, and hale,
as ignorant of disease as of care, and here sat I, in a sick chamber,
imprisoned with the gout. There he moved at the side of a young and
elegant woman, who eyed him with admiration, doubtless, also, with
regard, and who had such native amiableness and cheerfulness imprinted
together on her countenance, that it was plain she must prove a
blessing, rather than a curse, to him who should be so happy as to wed
her; while I, miserable I! was tied to such a wife as I could scarce
have the cruelty to wish bestowed upon my worst enemy, contracted to an
ague, married, as I may say, to a toothache. I should have been glad to
exchange conditions with Mr. Dulmer Dawkins--ay, by my honour! if there
was ever honour in man--or with anybody else.
From Tim's account it seemed that my young gentleman had a longer face
than head; in other words, that nature had endowed him more bountifully
with beard than brains: and, in truth, I judged, by the way he showed
his teeth and rolled his eyes at the fair Miss Smith, and a thousand
other little grimaces and affectations I was witness to, that he
was neither more wise nor brilliant than the others of his tribe.
But what of that? Wisdom and care go hand in hand, and wit makes us
uncomfortable: fools are the only happy people. So I used to think,
while I looked on Mr. I. D. Dawkins and the fair Miss Smith.
But it is an ill way to pass time, peeping into millstones, or reading
men's history out of their faces. Dulmer Dawkins had his cares, as well
as another. I suddenly missed him from the street; the fair Miss Smith
made her promenades, attended by other admirers, and for three whole
days Mr. Dawkins was invisible. On the fourth he reappeared: I saw him
as he came up the street, escorting another belle, entirely unknown to
me, but of a dashing appearance. As he passed Mr. Periwinkle Smith's
house, the fair Miss Smith issued from the door. Mr. Dawkins made her a
low and most elegant bow, his companion waved her fan, and they passed
on, looking unutterable things at one another. The fair Miss Smith
seemed confounded; a flush appeared on her face, and then vanished;
she looked after her admirer, and then, with her attendants, two young
coxcombs who were with her, descended the steps, and walked down the
street. I saw her once turn her head half round as if to look again
after Dulmer; but her curiosity, anger, sorrow, or whatever feeling it
was prompted the movement, was restrained, and she strode off at an
unusually rapid and unfashionable gait. "So, so! my turtles have been
quarrelling," I said to myself; "and the fair Miss Smith is just a
Jezebel, like the rest of her confounded sex!"--It never occurred to me
to think a quarrel arising between two persons of different sexes could
be caused by any thing but the unreasonable behaviour of the lady.
It was two weeks before I saw Dulmer Dawkins again, and then I beheld
him under a new aspect.
CHAPTER IX.
THE AUTHOR GROWS WEARY OF HIS WIFE, AND MISTAKES THE SCHUYLKILL FOR THE
RIVER LETHE.--THE TRAGICAL ADVENTURE THAT BEFELL A YOUNG GENTLEMAN IN
THAT ROMANTIC TIDE, WITH ITS EFFECTS UPON THE DESTINIES OF SHEPPARD LEE.
It may be supposed, since I was able to amuse my mind with such
observations, that they detracted from the miseries of my condition,
or at least assuaged in some measure my pangs. But as well might one
believe that the condemned malefactor, who looks out from his cart
on the volunteer companies escorting him to the gallows, and admires
the splendid incoherence of their trappings--their infantry coats and
horsemen's hats, their republican faces and imperial colours--feels
thereby less dissatisfaction with his shroud and coffin, and the rope
coiled so inelegantly round his neck. My observations were made only at
intervals that were both brief and rare. My wife was the most attentive
creature that ever set a husband distracted; and under the plea of
nursing me, gave me so much of her company, that I was gradually driven
to desperation. In course of time I was happily able to get into my
barouche, and thus, for a short hour or two, escape my tormentor. Had
that period been deferred a week later, I should certainly have taken
an ounce of arsenic that I found lying in a closet, though I knew it
was awful bad stuff to swallow.
As soon as I found myself once more at liberty, I began to con over
a project I had formed of deserting my dear Margaret altogether; and
this I resolved to put into execution the moment my foot should be well
enough for travelling. But, oh horror! just as the doctor pronounced me
cured, I was seized with a second paroxysm, and beheld nothing before
me but eternal captivity and unmitigated wife!
This attack was brought on by the mere triumph of restoration. The
afternoon before, I drove out upon the Schuylkill, with Tim and another
friend; and several other jolly dogs meeting us, we stopped together
at a well-known house of entertainment on the banks of that river, and
resolved to enjoy ourselves. I declare in all sincerity that I was
very moderate both in eating and drinking; but having sat at the table
until after nightfall, and being well content to tarry longer, I made
a sudden and rash resolution not to return that night at all, nor upon
the following day either, if I could avoid it. But as it was necessary
to account for my absence to my wife, I instructed Tim to tell her I
had contracted a sudden fit of podagra, which made it proper I should
not expose myself to the night-air. With this fib in his mouth, Tim,
who considered the whole thing a capital joke, as indeed he did every
other of my devising, returned to the city, whither he was followed by
the others before midnight.
Now whether it was that the immoderate satisfaction I indulged in, at
enjoying even a few hours of quiet, was an excess capable of bringing
on a paroxysm of gout,--whether it was the unwholesome night-air of
the Schuylkill, so famous for its agues and bilious fevers, or whether
indeed it was not the lie I had invented, which was punished upon me in
the reality of the affliction I had assumed,--it is certain that I woke
up the next morning in quite a feverish condition, and with all the
symptoms of returning podagra, though I did not immediately suspect it.
It was not until towards nightfall that I understood my situation.
In the meanwhile Tim had returned, and again driven back to town
without me, to assure my affectionate spouse, that, being entirely
recovered, I thought it best to defer my return until the evening; at
which time I proposed to be sick again, so as to excuse my remaining
from home a second night. In this way I designed to put off my return
from night till morning, and from morning till night, as long as I
could.
Feeling a little better about dinner-time, I indulged in a hearty meal,
and then lay down. But I had not slept many hours before I dreamed the
devil was tugging at my foot with a pair of red-hot tongs; and starting
up in anguish, I perceived clearly enough that my malady had returned.
"Miserable wretch that I am!" I cried; "why was I not content to
be Sheppard Lee? Was poverty worse than the gout? was debt equal
in torment to a scolding wife? What a fool I was to change my
condition.--Would that I was now a dog!"
I hobbled down to the porch of the inn, not without pain, for my foot
was awfully tender, and began to picture to myself the misery that was
inevitably prepared for me. The thought of living a month longer in the
same house with my wife, entirely at her mercy, drove me to despair; in
the midst of which, being roused by the sound of approaching wheels,
I looked up, and beheld my wife herself, advancing as fast as my
elegant bays could bear her, to pay me a visit. I knew her by her white
feathers, and my brother Tim was sitting at her side.
At this sight my philosophy forsook me altogether; I fell into a
phrensy, and disregarding the condition of my foot, or rather sharpened
and confirmed in my purpose by the pangs it gave me, I rushed down
to the river-side towards a spot where I knew there was deep water,
resolved to throw myself in without a moment's delay; and this without
considering that, as it was hot weather, I should spoil the water drunk
by my fellow-citizens. This was an objection that partly occurred to
me before, when debating the subject of drowning; and I think it so
serious a one, that I would recommend to the councils of Philadelphia
to appoint a bailiff, whose express duty should be to prevent people
drowning themselves in the basin; and the same person might have an eye
to the drowned cats, dogs, pigs, calves, dead fish, and swimming boys,
that somewhat detract from the agreeableness of the water.
I reached the place just as the barouche drew up at the door, and
hopping forward, I began to slip off my coat and waistcoat, and draw
out my watch and pocketbook, though for what purpose, I am sure I
cannot say. But what was my surprise to perceive myself forestalled
in my intentions by another person, who stood upon the very rock from
which I designed to throw myself, and was evidently preparing to
exercise justice upon himself in the same summary way. He was a tall,
lank personage, of highly genteel figure and habit; but his back being
towards me, I could not see his face.
I had scarce laid eyes upon him before, with a very violent motion of
his arm, he cast his hat into the stream, and immediately afterward
his neck-cloth; then slapping his hands together like one who is
about rushing into a fight, and rushing into it with resolution, he
exclaimed, "The devil take all women and tailors!" and leaped into the
river, which instantly closed over his head.
I was so petrified at his rashness that I forgot my own, and stood
staring on the water, as it came rushing in agitated ripples to the
shore, lost in such confusion and horror, that for a space of a minute
or more I neither moved hand nor foot. The water, which, previous to
the plunge, had been as smooth as a mirror, was fast regaining its
tranquillity, when, on a sudden, a great bubbling began to appear a few
yards below the rock, and I saw the top of a man's head come to the
surface, and immediately after sink again.
At that sight, my presence of mind was restored; and being much
concerned that a young fellow, as he appeared to be, should perish so
miserably, I rushed into the river, and being a good diver, had but
little trouble to fish him up, and drag him to the shore. But I pulled
him out a moment too late; he was as dead as a herring, or appeared to
be; for his countenance was distorted, and blue as an in digo-bag, and
his mouth full of foam; a circumstance which I regretted the more, as I
no sooner looked him in the face than I recognised the features of my
friend, if I may so call him, Mr. I. Dulmer Dawkins.
As I was dragging the body to the shore, a carriage came rattling along
the road, which is there so near to the river that those who were in
it could easily perceive the act in which I was engaged, and they
stopped it to give me assistance. It was at that very moment that I
discovered who it was I was carrying; and I was so much surprised at
the discovery, that I cried out in a loud voice, "I. D. Dawkins, by the
Lord!"
There was immediately a great screaming in the carriage, and out
rushed my aristocratical neighbour, Mr. Periwinkle Smith, with two
young ladies, one of whom was his daughter; and such an uproar and
lamentation as they made about me, were perhaps never before made by so
small a number of genteel people, on any occasion. I was particularly
affected by the expressions of the fair Miss Smith, who seemed overcome
by grief; and, as I did not doubt she had an affection for the young
fellow, I wondered what folly could have driven him into this act of
suicide.
But my wonder was not very long-lived; the cries of the two ladies had
reached the inn, and drawn every soul therein to the scene of disaster.
They came running towards us, and I saw that my wife was among them.
I could maintain my equanimity no longer: in the bitterness of my heart
I muttered, almost aloud, and as sincerely as I ever muttered any thing
in my life, "I would I were this addle-pate Dawkins, were it only to be
lying as much like a drowned rat as he!"
I had not well grumbled the last word, before a sudden fire flashed
before my eyes, a loud noise like the roar of falling water passed
through my head, and I lost all sensation and consciousness.
BOOK III.
CONTAINING MUCH THAT WILL BE INTERESTING TO YOUNG GENTLEMEN IN DEBT,
AND TO FATHERS OF FAMILIES WHO DESIRE TO HAVE THEIR CHILDREN RISE IN
SOCIETY.
CHAPTER I.
THE INCONVENIENCES OF BEING DROWNED.--THE FIRST CHAPTER OF THE HISTORY
OF I. D. DAWKINS, ESQ.
When I recovered my wits, I thought I had got into the place which is
never mentioned among polite people, except at church. I perceived a
horrible smell of gin, whiskey, hartshorn, tobacco-smoke, and spirits
of firstrate camphire, as if these made up the constituents of the
atmosphere of darkness; and I saw, though very obscurely, for the light
was dim, and there seemed to be films over my eyes, a number of figures
that moved to and fro, uttering discordant noises. One of them, it
seems, and I took it for granted he was the chief devil, stood by me,
pressing my ribs with a fist that felt marvellously heavy, while with
the other he maintained a grasp upon my nose, to which ever and anon he
gave a considerable tweak; while another, little less dreadful, stood
at his side, armed with some singular weapon, shaped much like a common
fire-bellows, the nozle of which he held at but a little distance from
my own. There were four others of them, each of whom had me by a leg or
arm, pulling and slapping with much zeal, and, as I supposed, preparing
me for a gridiron; while divers others flitted about, as I mentioned
before, talking with voices that appeared to me louder than thunder.
Such were the observations which I made, vaguely and confusedly (for
there was a great stupor over most of my senses), and which led me
to suspect I was in the place of torment; in which suspicion I was
confirmed by a thousand pangs I felt all over my body, so strange,
racking, and horrible, that unless one were to have the toothache,
gout, earache, gravel, rheumatism, headache, a stumped toe, and locked
jaw all together, it would be impossible to form any just conception of
the nature and variety of my torments. I had, I verily believed, the
paddle-wheel of a steamboat in my head, which was revolving full thirty
times a minute, with a hideous crashing and clamour, and churning
my brains to atoms; and, by the same rule, I conceived there was an
iron-foundry in my lungs and heart, every cell and cavity of which was
full of hot castings.
But it would require a greater space than the subject is worthy of, to
describe the agonies I endured in those moments of torture; and they
were, perhaps, the more poignant, since I could neither move a muscle,
nor vent my distresses in a single cry,--which I was the more inclined
to do from conceiving myself in the kingdom of darkness.
When I opened my eyes, I heard him who had me by the nose yell out
something to the others; upon which there was a great stir and outcry
among them, and I distinctly heard one say, after a great oath, "We'll
do well enough without a doctor."
"What!" said I to myself, "have they doctors here too? Do they follow
their patients?"
"But," continued the same voice, "we'll never finish the job till we
roll him over a barrel. He'll never show game till the water's out of
him."
These words, it may be supposed, were sufficient to give my mind the
right cue, and relieve me of all apprehensions in relation to death
and condemnation. On the contrary, they confirmed me the more strongly
in my conceit. How there should be water in me I knew not; but my idea
was, the inhuman imps wished to roll it out of me, only to make me burn
the better. Fortunately for me, another voice made answer, and opposed
the atrocious proposal.
"No rolling on barrels," it said, "nor hanging up by the
heels"--(hanging up by the heels! thought I)--"it is against the rules
of the Humane Society; and here they are."
"The Humane Society!" thought I; "is there a Humane Society among the
devils?"
"The rule is," the second voice went on, "as soon as the body shows
signs of life, snaps its eyes, and breathes, to pour a little brandy
and water down."
"Brandy and water!" said the first voice, evidently in a passion; "and
I wonder if that a'n't against the rules of the Temperance Society?
Better give the man so much burning brimstone?"
"The Temperance Society?" thought I.--I might have brought myself to
believe they had a Temperance Society, as well as a Humane one, in
the lower regions, had it not been for the violent ardour of him who
pronounced its name. I knew by his rage and fury he could belong to
no Temperance Society but in the United States of America; and the
inference was therefore plain, that instead of being in the other
world, I was in the United States of America myself.
But before I could infer myself into this happy belief, I was confused
by a hot argument that grew up between the advocates of the two
societies, who waxed quarrelsome, until there was a sudden cry, "The
doctor has come!" which pacified them in a moment, and satisfied me I
was neither dead nor buried.
The doctor stalked up to me; I thought I knew his features and voice,
but my sight and hearing were still confused. I have no doubt he
treated me _secundum artem_; but in about five minutes I was as dead as
ever.