"Where Stands Germany To-day?" asks a headline. She doesn't. At least
Count BROCKDORFF-RANTZAU kept his seat while addressing the Peace
Conference. This discourtesy however need not be taken too seriously.
It is pointed out that by the time Germany has complied with the Peace
terms she may not be able to sit down.
***
The Soviet Government has adopted a new calendar, in which the year
will commence on October 25th. We ourselves have always, associated
the first day of January with some of the most repugnant features of
capitalism.
***
A resident of Balham who was last week bitten by a member of a Jazz
band is now wondering whether he ought to submit to the PASTEUR
treatment or just allow the thing to run its own course.
***
Several of our migratory birds have not yet returned to these shores.
It is supposed that the spirit of competition has been aroused in them
by the repeated rumours of a Trans-Atlantic flight and that they have
started to race on foot across Europe.
***
"Where is all the Cheese?" asks an _Evening News'_ headline. A
correspondent has suggested that it might be nesting-time.
***
Wallasey's Corporation has decided to exclude boys under sixteen from
the municipal golf course. No child, the Mayor explains, should be
allowed to witness its father's shame.
***
"Steps should be taken to make the clergy presentable and attractive,"
says the Vicar of St. Jude's, Hampstead. A little baby ribbon
insertion, it is suggested, would give a certain dash to the carpet
slippers without impairing their essential dignity.
***
The Ebbw Vale cat that is suspected of having rabies is still under
observation. The belief is gaining ground, however, that she was
merely trying to purr in Welsh.
***
North of England gas managers have passed a resolution urging the
appointment of a Director-General of Light, Heat and Power. But surely
the functions of such an office are already performed by Mr. SPEAKER.
***
Swallows, says a contemporary, have been seen flying over the
Serpentine. Most of the snap was taken out of the performance by the
fact that none of them delivered _The Daily Mail_.
***
A fine specimen of the rare white female dolphin, a very infrequent
visitor to our shores, has been killed off Yarmouth. We'll learn white
female dolphins to visit us!
***
The National Historical Society have cabled to Mr. WILSON that they
are supporting Italy's claim to Fiume. It is only fair to point out
that Mr. Smith of Norwood has not yet reached a decision on the point.
***
A Sinn Fein M.P. has been recaptured at Finglas, co. Dublin. It would
be interesting to know why.
***
The Board of Agriculture are of the opinion that rabies might be
spread by rats. In view of this there is some talk of calling upon
householders to muzzle their rats.
***
According to a Sunday paper a husband recently stated that a former
lodger ran away with his wife. She was a German, and nobody can
understand why they ran.
***
An anarchist arrested in Holland with a bomb in his possession
explained that it was for the ex-Kaiser. We have since been informed
that the retired monarch denies that he ever placed such an order with
the gentleman.
***
A well-known golf club has recently engaged a totally deaf caddy. The
idea is to induce more clergymen to join the club.
***
As no joke about the Isle of Wight Railway has appeared in any comic
paper for at least a month, it is supposed that either a new engine
has been bought or that the old one has been thoroughly overhauled.
***
A picture post-card sent off in 1910 has just arrived at its
destination. It is presumed that one of the sorters who originally
handled it is breaking up his collection.
***
It will take ten years, says a Post Office official, to replace the
present telephone system with automatic exchanges. Persons who have
already registered calls are urged not to make too much of this slight
additional delay.
***
Every one, says the Secretary of the National Federation of Fish
Friers, wants the trade to be a respectable one. On the other hand it
is just that smack which it has of Oriental debauchery that makes it
appeal so strongly to the idle rich.
***
Salmon taken from some parts of the Tyne are alleged to smell of
petrol and taste like tar. Otherwise they are quite all right.
***
An American doctor states that British people sleep too much. No
blame, however, attaches to America. After all, she invented the
gramophone.
***
"The end of the dog," says a contemporary, "is in sight." Then it
can't be a dachshund.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PROTECT OUR PROTECTORS.
BARBED WIRE-MESH OVERALLS DESIGNED TO PREVENT THE POLICE FROM STRIKING
AS A PROTEST AGAINST HAVING TO INTERN UNMUZZLED DOGS.]
* * * * *
"Unionist Agent wanted ... Liberal salary offered."--_Times_.
Just the job for a Coalitionist.
* * * * *
"One must, however, remember that the Turk--and hurl upon
him what execrations you may--is still the [text upside down:
gentleman of the Near] East."--_Weekly Paper_.
He may be the "gentleman of the Near East," but that has not saved him
from being turned down.
* * * * *