The Tinkhams arrive.--Great Stir.--Miss Lavinia Longbow's
Head is turned.--Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.--Wind
changes.--The Tinkhams fall.--The whole Pack out on
them.--They abandon the Settlement.
It is remarkable how the people of a new country run in fixed channels of
thought and action. That this is true of an old one where ages have
hardened down and vitrified a long train of habits, is not so wonderful.
Puddleford was in the gristle, it was true, and had not as yet made any
permanent development. But even in its gristle, it had its laws--temporary,
of course, but laws, nevertheless, which were as unbending as iron, while
they lasted.
No person was permitted to outstrip his neighbor in any of the luxuries or
refinements of social life. Any attempt at such a piece of ambition was
regarded as a kind of premeditated insult upon the whole town. It was never
for a moment supposed that a Puddlefordian could act without some hidden
motive, maliciously directed against those who were not in any way
connected with his personal affairs. The pride of a new country is most
marvellous. The less wealth, or the less education, or the less of the
luxuries of life, which such a people may possess, the more tender they are
upon those very deprivations. In one sense, again, not a particle of pride
could be found lingering in all Puddleford. This pride was the source of
the most unrelenting jealousy.
Mrs. Longbow never bought a new calico without being agitated. She knew
that not only the calico, but herself, too, in connection with such a bold
enterprise, must necessarily pass in review before all the women of the
place. And she also knew that not unfrequently it happened that very
improper motives were attributed. The calico might have been purchased to
cast a slur upon some one else--a way taken by her to "let people know what
some folks could do, and what other people could not do,"--a kind of open
triumph, maliciously intended to humble the pride, and sneer at the poverty
of another, who dare not venture upon such an outlay of money--and Mrs.
Longbow knew and felt that it was as much as her reputation was worth to
appear for the first time in public in such a garment--for Mrs. Swipes or
Mrs. Bird would be sure to declare that "she did it on purpos' jist to
insult _her_."
Immigrants, who settled in Puddleford, felt the force of this social law
very forcibly. Mr. Tinkham and family came in and took up their residence.
Mr. Tinkham was a small merchant, and hailed from a small eastern village,
and brought in his train a wife, one son, and two daughters--Mr. Howard
Tinkham, Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary Tinkham--old enough all for
society. They were a very plain family, had been educated in a very plain
way, and were very unpretending in their deportment. "_Old_ Mr. Tinkham,"
as he was called, was on the downhill side of life, and was fast running
into the shadows of the valley; and "Old Mrs. Tinkham" was not very far
behind him. They had immigrated for the benefit of their children--made
themselves miserable from a philanthropic desire to make somebody else
happy--had buried all the associations, comforts, and joys of their lives,
to linger out an unnatural existence in the West.
When Mr. Tinkham and his family came on, Puddleford was overflowing with
enthusiasm. Indeed, their anticipated arrival was heralded by all hands
long before they made their appearance, and their "means," personal
history, politics, and religion were well known weeks in advance. The
accession of a new family was a great event in Puddleford--and well it
might be--for it was a rare event to find any one bold enough to settle
down in the village--and it usually turned out to be as great an event to
the individual who settled, as those whom he settled among.
There was a general uprising to receive Mr. Tinkham--it did not seem
possible to do enough for Mr. Tinkham--he was from the very first
completely run down, crushed, and smothered with attention--all the women
offered their services in any and every way to Mr. Tinkham, and to Mrs.
Tinkham, and Mr. Howard Tinkham, and Miss Jenet Tinkham, and Miss Mary
Tinkham--one ran this way to do this, and another that way to do
that--sometimes two or three female Puddlefordians would insist upon
performing the same act for Mrs. Tinkham, which not unfrequently resulted
in hard words and red faces among themselves, for their kindness was so
impulsive and excessive, that it was not possible for them to restrain it,
as long as the Tinkham fever lasted.
The Tinkhams thought that they had been very much underrated, or very much
overrated. They were positively delighted with the spontaneous attention
of the Puddlefordians--and yet, as has been stated, the Tinkhams were a
plain people, not subject to any fashionable flights, nor haughty airs, nor
had they ever demanded or received much notice before, and they could only
account for the novel exhibitions of hospitality of their new acquaintances
by supposing it was "their way," and that they were no exception to a
general rule.
Miss Lavinia Longbow, who was decidedly one of the fashionable "upper
crust" of society--for every society has its "upper crust"--and who was the
daughter of Squire Longbow, which of itself was all-sufficient to fix her
social position--Miss Lavinia Longbow almost went into ecstasies over Mr.
Howard Tinkham the first time she saw him.
She declared that "he was the splendidest man she ever see'd--that she
thought that Jim Barton was something of a feller once--but, O, pshaw! he
warn't nothin'. Mr. Howard Tinkham had such a poetical eye, and such
tap'rin' hands, and then he was so much slimmer-er than Jim Barton, and he
walked off so peert like--and then he talked so _bu_-tiful--all about the
Venuses, and the God-es-es, and she did not know how many more things, that
she never heer'd of afore in all her born days. Jim Barton didn't know
nothin' 'bout anything--he couldn't say boo afore Mr. Howard Tinkham--he
was _sich_ a man, Mr. Howard Tinkham was--he know'd everything--how many
pretty stories he _had_ told her--O, pshaw! talk about Jim Barton."
Miss Lavinia ran on in the most extravagant terms, at all times and places,
about Mr. Howard Tinkham, and she positively refused to speak to, or notice
Jim Barton, for six months after Tinkham came in.
Mrs. Swipes, Bird, Longbow, Aunt Sonora, and all were bewitched with Mrs.
Tinkham. Mrs. Swipes presented Mrs. Tinkham with a dried-apple pie within
an hour after her arrival, at the same time informing her that "it would
come right handy while they were putting things to rights--and that if
there was anything else--any--thing--no matter what--that she had in her
house, to come over and take it right away, and ask no questions. She
wanted her to be at home in _her_ house, jist as long as they liv'd in
Puddleford."
Mrs. Tinkham thought Mrs. Swipes was a very accommodating woman.
Mrs. Longbow sent a ham--Mrs. Bird a loaf of "Injun," as she called it--and
as Mrs. Swipes knew what Mrs. Longbow had sent, and as Mrs. Longbow
ascertained what Mrs. Swipes had sent, and as Mrs. Bird discovered by
inquiry "round about," what they both sent, and as the rest of the
Puddleford ladies made it their business to know what they all had sent,
and as they were determined not to be outdone by the upper crust, who they
declared were no better than they were, and couldn't do any more than they
could do, the consequence was that the Tinkhams began to think that they
had reached the promised land, and that the windows of Heaven were opened,
and showering down blessings broadcast upon them.
The Tinkhams were in raptures with Puddleford. Mrs. Swipes called two or
three times a day to know how they got along--to know if Mary Jane Arabella
could not come in and "chore around a little while they were
settlin'"--that she know'd what it was "to get fix'd"--to know if "there
warn't _sum_thin' she _could_ do."
Mrs. Longbow was very anxious to find out "when Mrs. Tinkham could come
over and spend a sociable afternoon--it seemed as if she couldn't wait."
Mrs. Bird declared that "she would have the first visit--that she'd say
flat-footed."
The Tinkhams were certainly very much in love with Puddleford. They had
positively never seen anything like it. The impression which they had made
exceeded all their expectations. They did not see how they could ever repay
the manifestations of its people.
But this paroxysm of attention in time passed away. The Tinkhams in
time--and in a very short time, too--fell from their high position. Mrs.
Tinkham _did_ call first upon Mrs. Longbow, and she and all the other
Tinkhams were ruined from that day.
Mrs. Bird then declared "she just began to see what they were"--she blazed
out with all her fires, and showered down her red-hot lava upon the
Tinkhams, both great and small. She "had a lurkin' kinder suspicion all the
time that they warn't much"--she said "she meant to treat 'em decently, and
she had treated 'em decently--she and Mary Jane didn't do nothin' but run
for 'em all the time, when they fust cum--and now this was her thanks
for't--this was what she got--_this_ was her pay--she'd tell the whole pile
on 'em what she thought, some day--she'd give 'em a piece of her
mind--she'd show 'em what Sall Bird could do--they'd find her out--they
couldn't tromp onter her--jest--to--think--after all said and done--that
the huzzy went straight over and call'd fust on Mrs. Longbow--on Mrs.
Longbow--yes, old Squire Longbow's second wife--_old_ Aunt Graves, and
nobody else--who I've know'd fust and last these twenty years--and no good
of her nuther--to think of it! to think!--_only_ to think!"
This little explosion went off in the presence of Mrs. Swipes, who had been
as deeply injured by this "call" as Mrs. Bird, and Mrs. Bird knew it.
Mrs. Swipes declared "that while she was the last woman on the face of the
airth to injure anybody, or talk 'bout anybody, that was _well_ known, she
couldn't help lettin' out on the Tinkhams--she couldn't! she'd tried it,
but she felt it her duty to do it--and she _would_ do it, and she'd do it
now,--she thought she saw sumthin'--_sum_thin' a-nuther--'bout that Mrs.
Tinkham, the fust day that they came inter the settlement, that warn't
right--she didn't like her eye--there was a certain sort-of-er-look
there--and she might as well say it right out, it looked wicked to
her--wicked as Cain--she told Mr. Swipes then that _she_ believed that she
was a _dang_-rous woman--but she was detarmined to try her, for she was a
person who allers tried everybody--she gin everybody a chance--she didn't
cry down nobody, she didn't--she warn't a-goin' to--'twas agin her
principles to do so--but when she _did_ find people out--and she allers
did--_allers_--sooner or _la_-ter--sum time or a-nuther--she was sure to
find 'em out, then they'd got ter take a piece of her mind--and she had
found the Tinkhams out, and she thought the Tinkhams warn't any great
shakes--that's what she thought."
"Jest my mind exactly!" exclaimed Mrs. Bird, who had listened with great
attention, with her eyes staring, and her mouth open, so she could not lose
a word.
"Nor warn't any great shakes where they com'd from," added Mrs. Swipes;
"that I've larned for true, and I know it."
"Nor never will be any great shakes," continued Mrs. Bird,
"anywhere--never! never!"
"From the old man down," said Mrs. Swipes.
"Yes! from the old man down," repeated Mrs. Bird.
Aunt Sonora, who was very "set in her way," and a great stickler for the
old order of things, was, nevertheless, not naturally malicious. She
thought the Tinkhams, however, "were getting mighty stuck up," and that the
"gals put on the dref'ellest sight of airs"--"she didn't think Puddleford
could hold 'em long--people who ate sales-molasses for common, and bought
fresh every day, must have a long purse or they'd bust"--she said "she was
very sure that Mr. Howard Tinkham wore broadcloth; and as for the
women-folks, why, they were flarin' out all the while in their silks--and
laws-a-me," said the old lady, "they hain't got such a killin' sight to be
proud of nuther--if they had, _she_ didn't know where they kept it, for her
part."
The Tinkhams found themselves in hot water on every side--and simply for
the reason that Mrs. Tinkham had made her first call on Mrs. Longbow. But
Mrs. Tinkham could not have escaped her fate--that was not possible; if she
had selected any other of her devoted friends, the result would have been
precisely the same.
In four weeks from the time the Tinkhams had been received with such
demonstrations of affection, it was discovered,--
That Mrs. Bird did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;
That Mrs. Swipes did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;
That Mrs. Beagle did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham;
That a very great many other persons who did not speak to Mrs. Bird,
Swipes, _or_ Beagle, did not speak to Mrs. Tinkham.
Mr. and Mrs. Tinkham found that they had come in conflict with public
opinion in Puddleford--they were completely driven out from society.
The social war soon extended itself further. The Bird clique would not
trade at Mr. Tinkham's store. Mrs. Bird declared "that she wouldn't have
nothing at all to do with 'em no way--not the fust thing--she wouldn't
darken any of their doors, and they shouldn't darken hers--not a Tinkham
should enter her front gate--_she'd_ larn 'em, that's what she would." Mrs.
Swipes and Mrs. Beagle agreed to the same thing--the Tinkhams shouldn't
darken their doors, nuther. Mrs. Bird said she wouldn't go where the
Tinkhams went. Mrs. Swipes and Mrs. Beagle thereupon agreed that _they_
wouldn't go where the Tinkhams went--and the lesser lights that revolved
around Mrs. Bird, Swipes, and Beagle, agreed that they wouldn't "nuther."
The Tinkhams were obliged to draw their business to a close, and leave the
land of their adoption. They did not understand the social law of the
country. They were seen, early one morning, wending their way out of the
village, solitary, yet not sad, without pomp or parade, their faces to the
rising sun, retracing their steps back to the land which they had left,
wiser, if not better, we trust, with a fixed determination to "let well
enough alone" during the remainder of their lives, and never again give "a
bird in the hand for (none) in the bush."
Puddleford experienced no more spasms from a disturbance of its social
equilibrium for a long time; not until the Styles family came in many years
afterwards, and overturned the whole order of things, and established upon
the ruins an entirely new government.