Appeal of Case Filkins _vs._ Beadle.--Turtle's Affidavit and
"P'ints."--Longbow's Return.--County Court.--Turtle opens
his Law "P'ints."--Bates replies.--A Fight.--Collateral
Ish-ers.--Squire Longbow present.--The Court sustains Squire
Longbow.--Turtle gets into a Passion.--Impanelling the
Jury.--Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.--Mr. Tumbleton upsets
Ike.--Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.--Ike opens to the
Jury.--The Trial.--Charge of the Court.--Jury retire.--Can't
agree.
Among the causes that were found in the county court for trial was the
appeal of Filkins against Beadle. Turtle had carried it up. He had informed
the court and the jury, when he argued the cause below, that he would carry
it up if he didn't get a verdict, and he was as good as his word. Turtle
was a long-winded attorney, and what he lacked in brains he made up in
bottom. He could worry out any opponent in Puddleford, and drive the man
against whom he had no case into a settlement, or starve him out. Turtle
often said that "a man's peace was worth something, and he who wouldn't buy
his peace, orter sweat. La' was la', and if a man didn't want to pay for
it, he ought to keep out of it." It was necessary, at the time we speak of,
for any party who desired an appeal, to make out an affidavit, stating the
errors below. Mr. Turtle was a host on an affidavit. He could raise and
swear to more "p'ints" than any man in Puddleford.
Turtle's affidavit was a curiosity. It covered _all_ the "p'ints," as he
called them--"all the 'ish-ers' of law and all the '_ish_-ers' of fact."
According to this document, he set up error in the judgment below:--
1. "'Cause the justis' had counselled with the defendant, and had sworn to
go for her anyhow.
2. "'Cause the justis' allowed Sile Bates, one of the jurymen, to leave the
jury, and pettifog for Charity Beadle.
3. "'Cause there wern't but five jurymen to try the cause, and there had
orter been six.
4. "'Cause counsel hadn't mor'n half got through arguing the case to the
jury, when the justis' shut them off, and forcibly sent out the jury to
deliberate on their verdict.
5. "'Cause the justis' err'd in everything from the beginnin' to the end of
the cause.
6. "'Cause he 'low'd Charity Beadle's set-off, which was agin all kind-er
law, and never heer'd on in the books.
7. "'Cause the justis' drank liquor while he was tryin' the cause.
8. "'Cause the justis' got inter a passion while he was tryin' the cause.
9. "'Cause the jury got drunk while they were tryin' the cause.
10. "'Cause liquor was sold clus by the court room all the time they were
tryin' the cause.
11. "'Cause one of the jurymen warn't fit to sarve--he bein' no voter--or
if he was, he never had voted.
12. "'Cause, as he understood, the jury flopp'd a copper to see who should
win the cause.
13. "And, finally, the verdict warn't no verdict, 'cause the jury didn't
agree."
Here were "p'ints" enough to overthrow the most righteous cause in the
world. This affidavit was filed before Squire Longbow, within the time
prescribed by statute, as appeared by the return of the magistrate to the
county court, and the _return_ itself of Squire Longbow was also spread out
as large as life on the files of the same.
If there was anything that Squire Longbow _did_ pride himself upon, it was
his returns to county court. He had often said, "that he would like to see
the man who could pick a flaw in one of his papers." He said "that none of
his decisions had ever been 'squashed' by the upper courts. He knew what
la' was, and when a man _knew_ the law, he would allers be sustained."
I do not know as it is worth while to give the full return of the Squire to
the threatening array of legal objections found in Turtle's affidavit. He
argued every one of them as if his very existence, both as a man and a
magistrate, depended on the result. In substance, he returned to the first
point,--
"That of course he counselled some with both of the parties. He didn't want
folks quarrellin' 'bout nothin'--a-spendin' their time and their money--and
how could he know anything about the case, if the parties didn't tell him.
He was a sworn officer, bound to do his duty, or throw up--if he should
ish-er papers for everybody that axed him to, without lookin' into the
case, he wouldn't do nothin' but try causes. _His_ time was worth sumthin',
as well as other folkses. It was his business to see that every plaintiff
had a case, and that every defendant had a defence. Turtle counsell'd with
him first, and he tho't Turtle had a case--but he lied to him, or was
greatly mistaken, at any rate--Miss Beadle counsell'd next, and he then saw
it was all up with Turtle, but it was too late to stop proceedings, for the
summons had gone out, and couldn't be stopp'd; if it could-er been, he'd
stopp'd it."
To the second point, the Squire returned,--
"That he _did_ 'low Sile Bates to leave the jury, and 'pear as counsel for
Charity Beadle--that _that_ was constitutional right--right-er counsel in
all crim'nal cases, thank the Lord, was presarv'd yet--and the case was a
crim'nal case, or a kind-er crim'nal case--'twarn't for debt, and must be
crim'nal. _He_ couldn't choose counsel for anybody--thank the Lord that was
a personal right--Charity Beadle had the right to choose her _own_
counsel--it warn't none of his business who she took--how could any one
take her counsel away from her by putting him outer a jury--that would
destroy the constitution itself. If the court would jist look inter Story
on the constitution, he'd see how that was; and if he ever did make a
righteous decision, _that_ was a righteous decision. The woman sav'd her
case by it--for if she hadn't _had any_ counsel, the greatest injustice
would-er come on't--maybe the jury would-er 'greed--and _she_--nobody knows
where she would-er been now."
To the third point he returned,--
"''Cause there wern't but five jurymen,' it is said. Well, there _warn't_.
What of it? Five were jist as good in this case, as six; 'cause if five
couldn't agree, how could six?'"
To the fourth point, as follows,--
"He did choke off counsel while they were argerin' the cause to the jury,
and swore the officer and sent out the jury to deliberate. He'd do it agin,
under like circumstances. They vi'lated the dignity of the court--there
wern't no order nor nothin'--everything went on hurly-burly--there was more
racket than if there was a town-meetin'. One thing there had got-ter be,
and that was order in his court--he might-er sent them all to jail for
contempt--but he wanted to be mild with 'em--he didn't allers think it best
to go to the length of the la'--two counsel talkin' to the jury at onct was
agin all la'--it was a great contempt of court--they'd orter been fin'd ten
dollars apiece--but he didn't want-er fine 'em--he took a shorter
course--he acted in his discretion--and he had a discretion in sich
cases--any other court would-er done as he did, or worse, maybe. So long as
he was magistrate, he meant to be magistrate--and his court was a
court--and that thing people had got-ter find out, sooner or later."
To the fifth point, as follows,--
"He'd jist submit that to the higher court."
To the sixth point, as follows,--
"He did let in the set-off of Charity Beadle, and he did it, arter
examinin' all the 'thorities on that p'int. He consulted Squire Brown, too,
who did business down inter the State of New York, as justis', more'n ten
years, and who had a great many jist sich cases afore him. The Squire said
it was la' there, and had bin ever sin' he was a boy--and York la' was good
la' anywhere. Story was dead for 'lowin' sich kind-er set-offs, and his
works were all in favor on't--and it would be a likely p'int for anybody to
set up that sich a set-off couldn't be allow'd. Filkins sues for so much
money for so many slanders--now, then, he would jist like to know, if five
slanders are worth ten dollars to _her_, if five slanders wouldn't be worth
ten dollars to Charity Beadle--and if one ten dollars ain't jist as good as
another ten dollars--he would like to know if one don't suffer jist as much
as t'other--and if one hadn't orter be paid jist as much as t'other. If you
go lyin' round 'bout me, you've got to pay, but if I go lyin' round 'bout
you, I hain't got-ter pay--he'd like to know what justis' there was in all
that--he didn't b'lieve Turtle thought so himself, but he was allers tryin'
to bull-rag the court--and he warn't goin' to be bull-ragg'd by him nor
nobody else."
To the seventh point, as follows,--
"He didn't know whether Mr. Turtle meant to be personal or not. He didn't
know whether he meant to say, right out, that he was drunk, or not. If he
did, he was a liar. He had no right to slander him onter the public records
of the higher courts, in that sort-er way. What if he did drink? he had a
right to drink--that was his business--when anybody can say that Squire
Longbow is unfit for business from 'licker,' then there's time 'nough to
blow out at him, and not afore--he shouldn't notice that p'int any furder."
To the eighth point, as follows,--
"'Got inter a passion?' He _did_ rise in his wrath onct or twict, to
presarve the order of the court. He warn't goin' to sit and be trampled on.
He was de-_tar_-min'd that justis' should take its course, if he had to
fight to do it. He couldn't keep Turtle down any other way--he'd used up
all the fines in the staterts agin him, and that wouldn't do--he tore on
worse than ever--and he'd jist say here, it was high time the fines were
increas'd. He informed the court that Turtle said, 'he hadn't but one eye,
and that he couldn't see but a little ways--that he hadn't as many brains
as an 'ister--that his head was full-er cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn't
know which--that his judgment warn't good on a common note-er-hand--that he
warn't up to the school-marm, for she could read--and that he _did_ get
inter a passion that the _court_ should have been so trampled upon--for he
_would_ presarve the dignity of his court so long as _he_ was magistrate--a
great deal depended upon _order_ in court--and when everything was a-goin'
topsy-turvy, there warn't no justis'--he should allers, use jist as much
force as was necessary to presarve order--and get into a passion, too, if
he wanted to."
To the ninth point, as follows,--
"He didn't know whether the jury were drunk or not--that's _their_
biz-ness, not his'n--they could answer for themselves on that p'int; and if
Mr. Turtle wanted to know how that was, he'd better ax 'em; he warn't
a-goin' to--he never took away any of the priv'leges of the jury--they were
sacred things to him. When he tried cases, he did as _he_ was a mind-ter,
and the jury did as _they_ were a mind-ter--if they wanted to drink, he
wouldn't interfere--'twas out of his jurisdiction--he never did dabble with
a jury, nor he never would--but he would say that the jury 'peared very
well, listened to all the evidence as men should--stay'd out long 'nough to
consider on the evidence and gin in a verdict, he verily believed, 'cordin'
to their oath."
To the tenth point, as follows,--
"Licker might-er bin sold _clus_ to the court-room--but it warn't sold _in_
the court-room--that he'd never 'low'd since he was a justice--every man
who drank, went inter the _bar_-room, and thar was a strong _pe_-tition and
a clus door atween the two rooms--he wouldn't-er 'low'd a drop in the
court-room--he had allers bin very keerful 'bout that--they did drink onct
or twict, but it was in the _bar_-room--the trial was very long and very
troublesome--and the jury got dry--but they drank every time in the
_bar_-room, and not in the court-room--and he was _keer_-ful every time
they _did_ drink, to 'journ the court, to save all questions--and he would
say that Turtle drank as often as anybody--and onct, certainly, he moved to
'journ the court for to drink, and nothin' else--and now he goes up to the
higher court, and makes a fuss 'bout it--the staterts said there should be
no licker sold _in the room_ where the court is held--not _out_ of it, nor
in the next room--and he'd allers bin a la'-'bidin' man, and allers meant
to be."
To the eleventh point, as follows,--
"He didn't know whether the juryman was a voter or not--'twas _none of his_
bizness--best known to himself--if he set, knowin' he warn't a juryman, he
orter to be proceeded agin by the next grand jury."
To the twelfth point as follows,--
"How in airth did he know anything 'bout floppin' coppers--he warn't
thar--he warn't a juryman--he was the court--they might-er flopped for all
he knew--but he had seen Mr. Swipes, who was one of the men who set, and he
says thar warn't a copper flopped."
To the thirteenth point, as follows,--
"There _was_ a verdict, and it was recorded on his docket--it was, 'that
the jury couldn't agree, one of 'em standin' out 'cause he was a-feared or
wanted to be pop'lar with somebody;' and that was jist as it was gin in."
Squire Longbow had returned much more matter to the court than he was
required to do by his affidavit, which has not been stated--mere
speculations of his own about the law and facts of the case as they
appeared before him, all of which he said the court "orter know."
The judge of the county court was an enlarged edition of Longbow
himself--enlarged, because his jurisdiction was greater. He was one of the
foremost men of the county, because he was one of the most independent. He
owned a great deal of land, and a great deal of stock--bought and sold
much--and had acquired a practical knowledge of the way things were done in
a new country. He had been school inspector, highway commissioner,
supervisor, and member of the legislature, and he was now judge. He did not
know any law, except what Bates, Turtle, and other kindred pettifoggers had
taught him--and when he shot at a case, he shot in the dark. He was right
half of the time upon the result of chances; and that, perhaps, was doing
as well as half the judges do, who pretend to more knowledge in the
profession. He was a stumpy, red-headed man, and very "percussion" in his
decisions--gave very short or no reasons for them--and like Longbow, didn't
know a technicality from a sign-post.
The law points in the appeal were first to be argued--if Turtle failed on
them, he was then entitled to a trial on the facts.
Turtle argued his law points in a pile. He flung the whole return at the
judge in gross, playing first upon this string, and then upon that,
abusing everybody connected with the cause but his own witnesses and
himself, until he blew himself almost entirely out of breath.
He began by flattering the court. "It was sunthin'," he said, "to have a
county court to 'peal up to--if 'twarn't for that, he'd stop
business--Squire Longbow had got so that la' warn't la' any more with him.
When he first came inter the settlement, he was a pretty good justis, but
he was as woolly as a sheep now. If he got a crotchet inter his head, you
couldn't beat it out--he was worse now than he was afore he got married the
second time. The cause below was killed by him--he was 'torney, and justis,
and jury--he had 'greed to go for defendant from the start--had knock'd the
jury inter fits by takin' Sile Bates off on't agin la'--had let folks in to
swear that hadn't lived in the State six months, and nobody know'd whether
they were to be believed or not; but the presumption of la' was agin
'em--that he cuss'd him for it, but that didn't do any good--that the
Squire drank himself, and let the jury get drunk, shocking as the fact
might be--and yet he warn't a drunken man--rather a sober man--but it was
done by him to fuddle the jury, and spile his cause--that he let in the
al_might_-i-est set-off he ever _did_ hear on--the very thought on't was
'nough to give this court spasms--and this court orter for that, if for
nothin' else, 'point a guar-_dine_ over him--that he told him when he did
it, that he'd foller the case to the backside of sundown, and blow him
inter flinders, but he didn't seem to care 'bout it--that the jury _did_
flop on the verdict, and the justis' knew it, and his return warn't worth
shucks on that p'int"--and so on for an hour or more, until he became
exhausted.
Sile Bates rose and said, "that, 'cordin' to the return of the justice,
Turtle's speech was a _lie_!"
Mr. Turtle hurled an inkstand and contents at Bates's head, which besmeared
him from head to foot.
Mr. Bates hurled another back at him, which emptied its contents upon Mr.
Turtle.
The court called them both to order, reminding them that things were going
too far.
Mr. Bates declared "it _was_ a lie!"
Mr. Turtle said "he should boot him if the word was repeated."
Mr. Bates repeated the word, and was booted through the court-house door.
Difficulties being settled, counsel appeared in court very amiable, covered
with ink, ready to proceed.
Mr. Turtle attempted to 'pologize to the court--"he had no 'pology for
Bates."
The court remarked that "it wasn't necessary--the doctrine of set-off would
apply."
Mr. Bates said he had no speech to make--the court knew the justice who
made the return--if it believed him, then Turtle might as well cave.
During this uproar, Philista Filkins with _her_ friends, and Charity Beadle
with _her_ friends, each troop ranged round their counsel, were looking
upon this war of words with the most intense anxiety. Miss Filkins had
attired herself for the occasion in a mussy crape dress, a pinched-up hat,
and a black shawl, being, as she said, in affliction. She declared that
Miss Beagle tried to "spile" her character, and she felt it, for that when
that was gone, one might as well give up, and die. She carried a deep-set
grievance in her face, a fixed anguish, which occasionally broke up into a
snuffle. She was sustained, however, as has been seen, in her trials, by a
few benevolent Puddleford ladies, who had most magnanimously followed her
and her case, reckless of time and money, and who said, "they meant to see
the end on't, cost what it might."
Miss Beadle and _her_ friends were a very different-looking tempered body.
They were charged to the brim with acid and red pepper. They looked and
felt lightning, and any one could see at a glance that they meant to fight
as long as there was a hair of their friend left. It was generally
understood that they had agreed to "throw in around" and help Miss Charity
out, and her case had now, of course, become their case, and Bates was as
much their lawyer as Miss Beadle's lawyer--and Turtle, when he got
"ramptious," was jest as "sassy" to them as he was to the court, or Miss
Beadle, they said--"and if they were not greatly mistaken, he'd see the day
that he'd repent on't."
The women who composed these two hostile factions got into several
side-fights between themselves, what Ike called "collateral ish-ers"--and
twitted each other of a dozen or more dead and buried slanders, which had
for a long time been forgotten. Mrs. Bird gave Aunt Sonora a regular
"runnin' over," as she call'd it--"a piece of her mind, that would last her
as long as she liv'd." She told Aunt Sonora, who was one of Miss Filkins's
body-guard, that "she was a _pretty_ old woman to come up _thar_ and try to
screen that Filkins _critter_--_she'd better_ stick up for _her_--she was a
_nice_ old woman--a _handsum_ old woman--a _beau_-tiful old woman--she'd
better be home a-takin' care on her children--she'd better be a mendin' her
husband's old breeches--it would look a great deal better. What if Filkins
had lied as much about her, or her old man, she'd ask her that. Guess'd
she'd make the fur fly some--guess'd she wouldn't-er stood it no longer
than other folks--guess'd she couldn't get along without a character
better'n other people--guess'd she hadn't got any too much to brag on,
anyhow, if reports were true--s'pose she should rake up all she'd heer'd
about _her_, and go tellin' it round arter everybody, where would _she_ be.
Bah! how I hate sich folks," she continued, putting on one of her most
contemptible faces, and spitting like a mad cat, at Aunt Sonora.
Aunt Sonora was a philosopher on such occasions. She knew the storm would
soon blow over, and that Mrs. Bird would be "round," to take tea with her,
in less than a week--so she took a quiet pinch of snuff, and told Mrs. Bird
in reply, that "she'd call onto the court, if she cut any more of her
antics round her--she ought-er recollect she was in the high court, and
they didn't 'low any flabbergastin' in sich places; she'd be in jail
quicker'n scart first thing she know'd, and her hull pack with her, if they
didn't keep mighty mum. She wasn't in Puddleford now, _she'd_ find, if she
let her mouth spit bile at that rate."
Mrs. Bird sobered down.
Squire Longbow was also present, to see the end of this famous suit. The
Squire usually followed his cases into the county court, "to look arter
'em," as he said, "and to explain things." He was dressed in his best suit
of homespun, and also had on his most dignified air. He did not even wince
during the scathing Turtle gave him and his return, feeling perfectly sure
that he couldn't be hurt by any country 'torney in the upper courts. He
"ray-ther thought he was known thar." The county judge, in a very summary
and careless manner, decided, "the p'ints Mr. Turtle had raised warn't
good; they were all agin the return of the justis'; and he must pay respect
to the lower courts."
(Here Squire Longbow drew his pocket handkerchief and blew his nose like a
trumpet, to call the attention of the by-standers to the decision.)
He would repeat--this for the benefit of the Squire, evidently--"they were
all agin the return of the justis', who was an old magistrate, and had did
a great deal of business."
(Here the Squire bowed his head, by way of assent, to the court.)
"The court orter say, further, that Mr. Turtle's affidavit was _sworn_ to,
and how he could have sworn to such an affidavit, right agin the return of
the justis', was mor'n he know'd; perhaps Mr. Turtle know'd _himself_, and
could inform the court."
Mr. Turtle said that was _his_ business. Mr. Turtle spoke very short, for
he was greatly nettled.
The court said, "it didn't make any difference--it warn't neither here nor
thar--the p'ints were all squashed, and that was his decision; costs to go
agin Turtle."
"Agin Turtle," exclaimed Ike, rising, "costs agin Turtle!"
"Agin Turtle's _client_," said the court, correcting himself.
"That sounds a leetle more like a court of justis'," added Ike; "but it was
a bull-head decision, he would say that, if he rotted in jail for contempt,
that is, if anybody could commit contempt agin such a bass-wood-headed
court, as this had got-ter be!"
A jury was now about to be impanelled to try the case between Filkins and
Beadle a second time, and this was no small matter. The whole county had
heard of this remarkable suit, and had talked about it, and each person had
allied himself or herself to the parties. A very small matter will throw a
new country into a tempest of excitement, as a very few matters of
importance exist to get excited about. When the panel was filled, and the
clerk had announced that fact to the court, Ike saw, or thought he saw,
some of the most violent Beadle men in the county among the number. He had
only two peremptory challenges, and if he could not remove some of them for
"_cause_," as the books say, "he was gone up," as he thought to himself.
Mr. Buzzlebaum, a hickory-headed farmer, with short hair, which stuck up
all over his head like a porcupine's quills, was a very dangerous man. Ike
knew he was a bachelor, and he had been strongly suspected of "paying some
attention" to Miss Beadle; so Ike put a few questions to Mr. Buzzlebaum.
"Mr. Buzzle_baum_," exclaimed Ike, "you a juryman in this case?"
Mr. Buzzlebaum said he was.
"Y--e--s," drawled Ike, "so I see," as if he had got on the panel
fraudulently some way.
"Know Miss Beadle?"
"Yes!"
"You do know the 'oman then?"
"Yes!"
"Sot up at her house any?"
"Sot up!"
"Yes, sot up; don't you know what that is by this time, at your time-er
life, Mr. Buzzlebaum?"
"Well, what of it?" asked Mr. Buzzlebaum.
"What--of--it! Je-ru-sa-lem!" exclaimed Ike, slapping a book on the table,
and looking fury at the court. "The man says 'what of it?'--sittin' up with
the defendant _nights_ a-courtin' her, and then wants to know what of it?
Wouldn't he be a pretty man to try this case?"
"Sot up _where_?" inquired Buzzlebaum.
"How do _I_ know where! Ever talk of marryin' the 'oman, hey?"
"_Wal!_" heaved Buzzlebaum.
"No wals here; you're sworn now; out with it. Didn't you tell old Soper, if
she warn't so old and rusty-like, you'd strike, hit or miss? What, sir?"
"Wal!" groaned Buzzlebaum again.
"Guilty as a dog; won't answer; is a-goin'-ter die game, right inter the
face of the court," exclaimed Ike.
Mr. Buzzlebaum began to scratch his head, and just got an idea of what "sot
up" meant, and declared, "he'd never sot up with Miss Beadle, nor nobody
else, but he warn't goin' to answer any more questions;" and asking another
juryman for his hat, which stood among a huddle of hats outside the
jury-box, "leaned" for the door, amid the cries of the court, clerk, Bates,
&c., of "hold on," "don't go," "stop him," "bring him back, sheriff," &c.
But Buzzlebaum didn't return.
The next juryman who Ike thought was "_dang_-rous," was Mr. Tumbleton.
"Mr. Tumbleton," exclaimed Ike, "form'd or 'spressed any 'pinion in this
case?"
"No, sir!"
"Hain't form'd _nor_ 'spressed any?"
"No, sir!"
"Hain't said that you hop'd the old maid would come out hunk?"
"No, sir!"
"Hain't said that Turtle was a jackass for pushin' on this 'ere suit?"
"No, sir!"
"Hain't thought he was?"
"Sir?"
"Pretty clus questions," said Mr. Tumbleton, balancing on one leg, and
looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling.
"Now don't you think--and haven't you _said_, that Turtle was a jackass for
pushin' on this suit?" inquired Ike, rising from his chair.
"No, sir!--haven't said any such thing."
"Don't you _think_ he is, is the question, Mr. Tumbleton?"
"Think you are a jackass!" repeated the juror.
"Yes, sir!"
"Very likely I do."
Mr. Turtle submitted to the court, if that "warn't 'nough to break him from
sittin'."
Mr. Bates said, "the man show'd his good sense--best juryman on the whole
panel."
The court thought the juryman was entitled to his own opinion; it was not
pos-i-_tive_ proof that Turtle was a jackass 'cause the juryman might have
thought so; shouldn't drive him out the box for that.
"Ever been in state-prison?" continued Turtle, resuming the examination.
"S--i--r!" ejaculated Mr. Tumbleton, moving towards Ike, with his arm
raised.
"_Or_, in the county jail," added Ike, almost in time, and cocking his eye
saucily at Mr. Tumbleton.
Mr. Tumbleton rushed upon Ike, and upset him, before Ike knew that he
really was in danger.
Mr. Turtle rose in a very unruffled manner for him, and asked the court,
"if sich a contempt as that was to go unnoticed--a reg'lar admitted 'torney
assaulted right inter the face of the court--he moved that Mr. Tumbleton be
confined in the log jail for twenty-four hours--out of respect to his honor
the court."
The judge ordered Mr. Tumbleton to be confined, and thus the second juror
was disposed of.
"You live up on Poverty Common--don't you?" continued Ike, as if nothing
had happened, addressing himself to a runt of a man, who looked as if he
had been on short feed, and who had strayed on the jury no one knew how.
"Yes, I _do_," answered the man.
"_Your_ name is Flummer?"
"_Flum_ what?" inquired the juror.
"Flum-_mer_," answered Ike, tartly.
"Well, whose business is that, if it is?"
"Mine," said Ike. "Wasn't old Zeb Flummer your grandfather?"
"Old Zeb? yes."
"Didn't old Zeb Flummer marry old Sally Beadle?"
"That's what they say."
"And wasn't old Sally Beadle, Charity Beadle's grandmother?"
"S'pose so," said Flummer.
"Well, sir, you can just step out," said Turtle; "the statert cuts you
short-bob-off; no blood relatives sit here." And the court seemed to
assent, and Flummer left--nine jurymen remaining in the box.
Bates "knocked off" three more for "causes," leaving six; and by this time
the first day was about exhausted. Talesmen were picked up from the
by-standers to supply the places of the "missing," and the court adjourned.
On the next day, Ike opened the cause in his best style. He gave a
biography of Philista Filkins, and dwelt upon her ups and downs in this
mortal life. "He _did_ s'pose, that if there ever _was_ a woman that had
grief, and _stood_ it, too, 'twas his client, and she was nothin' but a
woman, nuther. She lik'd to gone off with the measles when she was a child,
and had been puny-like ever since; her father was kill'd by an oak-tree
'fore she could do anythin' for herself, down on the Catta-_ra_-gus,
leaving a pile of young-uns, he didn't know how many. Her father warn't
rich, but that warn't neither here nor thar; he was honest, and paid up his
debts afore he died, to the last cent; he was a man that struggled a good
deal for a livin', but he got it; allers kept a stiff upper lip, as tho'
the skies were bright, and the sailin' good. Arter he died, they were a
most distress_ed_ family. His client, 'bout the year--'bout the year--[Ike
stopped and scratched his head]--'bout the year--[he had forgotten when,
and turning, exclaimed to Aunt Sonora], When in _thun_der was it that Miss
Filkins came inter the settlement?"
"_Wal_, now, let me think," answered Aunt Sonora,--"Brumijim's youngest boy
died--died--when _did_ he die?--but no matter--but when we bought our
brindle cow--we got her of old lame Gosander, and I recollect jist as well
as if it was yesterday, that when my boy Jim was drivin' off that 'ere cow
from Gosander's--one warm spring mornin'--that he tell'd me, arter he got
home, that he met some _strang_-ers on the road--and I axed him who they
were? And Jim said--"
"When--in thunder--_was_ it?" ejaculated Ike again, who hung suspended in
the middle of his speech, while the old lady was fogging away over the
history of the past.
"I was jist a-goin' to tell you! You needn't get so fluster'd 'bout it,"
answered Aunt Sonora--"where was I--O, yes! Jim said, when I axed him--that
_he_ didn't know who they were--guess'd 'twas sumbody that was movin' in to
settle--he tell'd me that the woman had on an old legun bunnit--and
arterwards I found out that _that_ very woman was Philista Filkins. Now
you've got it," concluded Aunt Sonora.
As Ike was no wiser than he was before, and he could not wait to
investigate the point any further, he proceeded: "At any rate, his client
came inter Puddleford, and had been one of the fust 'mong 'em ever sin'. He
warn't goin' to repeat what he said afore the court below, _now_, he would
wait 'til he summ'd up. He warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the unspotted
character of his client; he warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the defendant
nuther. He warn't a-goin' to say how she would lie, nor how she went around
a-backbitin' everybody she could get a dab at; there were twenty persons
within the sound of his voice that know'd that--that know'd the woman like
a book."
"Yes, sir-_ee_!" exclaimed a voice from the crowd, being one of Filkins'
supporters.
"Silence!" roared the court.
"You hear _that_, don't you, gentle_men_? They know her like a book."
"No! he warn't goin' to say anythin' 'bout the defendant now. He _might_
say enough 'bout her to blow her sky-high; perhaps she wouldn't _steal_, he
didn't think she would, but folks who _do_ lie, will steal; but she hadn't
stole nothin' _yet_, as he know'd on; he warn't goin' to _say_ so 'tany
rate;" and thus Ike rambled on for more than an hour before the jury, in
the opening of his cause, touching upon almost everything connected with
the rise of Puddleford, and closed by saying, "That they only claimed ten
dollars damages; but 'twern't the money they were arter; 'twas the great
principle; his client scorned money as pay for _her_ character; she'd never
touch a cent on't so long as her name was Filkins--and he might as well say
that he, as her counsel, had 'vised her to give every jot on't to some
relig_us_ institution, or to orphin children, and she'd _do_ it too--catch
her takin' that money!"
Bates occupied about as much time as Turtle did in opening for the defence;
the law permitting both counsel to open together, if they chose to do so;
and he finished his speech by reading Squire Longbow's return to the jury,
which he said was more full than anything he could say.
The trial went forward. But I shall not attempt to detail the vicissitudes
which accompanied it for two days. Every question and every answer was
objected to, and entered by the court formally on the record. The lie was
given backward and forward a dozen times or more; the court had often been
obliged to interfere through the sheriff--all the witnesses on the part of
the plaintiff were impeached by the defendant's witnesses, who swore their
reputation for truth and veracity was bad, and that they would not believe
them under oath; all the witnesses on the part of the defendant were also
impeached for the same reason. Of course the reputation of the witnesses
had been utterly destroyed before the trial came on, and long before, by
each backbiting the other; and when the trial closed, and the arguments
were ended, the case, if it could have been painted, would have looked very
much like a militia training, without beginning, middle, or end, form or
substance, and the jury were about as wise as if they just awoke from a
hard nightmare.
The court charged the jury--and _such_ a charge was never "fired off" by
any man outside of a new country.
Some hundred "p'ints of la'" had been handed up by Turtle and Bates, which
they said must be noticed--but Turtle's law and Bates's law were in
conflict--but each one declared that _his_ law was _the_ law--and they
were, they said, ready, if necessary, to swear to it before any tribunal.
The judge went off with his charge upon the same principle that a man fires
an old musket into a tree, where he supposes a bird is concealed. Some of
the shot must hit, and the rest won't do any harm, anyhow.
He told the jury that _he_ had got somethin' to say now--he was the judge
of the court, and the jury must pay special attention to what he had to
offer. 'Torneys were paid for their talk, and the jury could believe 'em
jest so far as they were a mind-ter and no furder--the law come from
him--if he made a mistake in the law, it was none of the jury's business,
that would be straightened out somewhere else, by some_body_ else. He
would proceed now. The action was trespass.
"Not by a long shot!" said Turtle, rising.
"Or," continued the judge, "a-kinder trespass--it was one woman a-tryin' to
carry away another woman's character. Now, gentlemen, there has been a
great deal of evidence in _this_ case, and it don't all 'mount to much
nuther--"
"'Cept to that part of the charge!" exclaimed Ike. "'Don't 'mount to much
nuther."
"That is," continued the judge, "there ain't much on't to the p'int--and
when evidence ain't to the p'int, the court will knock it outer the case,
if a row of 'ceptions is filed as long as the moral law. Now take the
impeaching testimony--what does that all amount to?--why just
this:--Filkins' witnesses don't believe Beadle's witnesses, and so they
swear--Beadle's witnesses don't believe Filkins' witnesses, and so _they_
swear--and so the witnesses on one side are just as good as the witnesses
on t'other side, and you must believe them _all_, just as fur, gentlemen of
the jury, as if none of 'em had been impeached; and the court tells you so.
Any objection to _that_, Mr. Turtle?"
Turtle said nothing.
"No objection to that, then. Now, then, gentlemen, the defendant below set
off slanderous words agin slanderous words she had used agin the plaintiff,
and I let it in agin here, and Mr. Turtle objected. Gentlemen of the jury,
Mr. Turtle _would_ object, of course--he is 'torney for plaintiff, but I
tell you the set-off is _law_, and I agree with Squire Longbow, who let it
in. It was right."
Squire Longbow drew his handkerchief and blew a heavy blast out of his nose
at this compliment.
"Now, then, gentlemen, slander is slander--you all know what slander is--as
I said before, it is slander--it ain't refusing to pay one's debts--it
ain't 'zactly takin' one's property--though character is a kinder
property--it ain't stealin'--but--but--it is slander--if you lie 'bout me,
'tis slander--if I lie 'bout you, 'tis slander--if anybody lies 'bout
anybody, 'tis slander--it don't matter _what_ anybody says 'bout anybody,
if 'tis a lie, 'tis slander. You can now see, gentlemen of the jury, what
slander is--how the law looks at slander--how it is laid down in the books.
This action is for slander--and if I should examine all the books, and go
inter the hull subject fully, you would not know any more 'bout slander,
gentlemen, than you know 'bout slander now. Any objection to that, Mr.
Turtle?"
No objection was raised.
"Now, then," continued the court, "you're to look the evidence all over,
and if you b'lieve the plaintiff has slandered the defendant--I say, _if_
you b'lieve it--the court has its own notions on _that_ subject too--but
'tain't for the court to say--I say, _if_ you b'lieve, gentlemen, the
plaintiff _has_ slander'd the defendant--if you b'lieve it upon your
oaths--you're under oath, gentlemen--you should never forget you're under
oath, gentlemen--very solemn duty, gentlemen, you've got-to perform--I say
_if_--after looking all the testimony all over, you b'lieve it on your
oaths--why, then, gentlemen, the court tells you, gentlemen, that you must
render a verdict for the plaintiff, gentlemen, you must. But if,
gentlemen--and here comes the p'int--the great p'int for you to consider,
gentlemen, under oath--if you b'lieve the defendant has _not_ slandered the
plaintiff, gentlemen--it's a hard charge, slander is, gentlemen--if you
b'lieve the defendant has not slandered the plaintiff, why, then, render
the verdict for the defendant. Mr. Clerk, swear an officer to take charge
of this jury."
The jury retired and deliberated one day and one night--but could not
agree. They returned into court, and were again charged on some law points,
about which they differed, they said--they retired again, and after
quarrelling another half a day, came into court once more, and declared
they differed this time about the evidence. The court set them right upon
the particular disputed point of testimony, as _he_ understood it, when
they appeared a third time, and the foreman announced that they could not
agree any way, and they wouldn't go out again for the court, or anybody
else--and thus forever was ended the famous trial between Filkins and
Beadle.