Educational Efforts.--Squire Longbow's "Notis."--"The
Saterday Nite."--Ike and the Squire.--Various Remarks to the
Point.--Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.--Collection
taken.--General Result.
There has been much written in the world about the benefits of education. I
am very sure that its importance was not overlooked in Puddleford. I cannot
say that the village has ever produced giants in literature, but it has
produced great men, comparatively speaking and judging, and very great if
we take the opinion of the Puddlefordians themselves. Somebody once said
that "in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed are monarchs," and I
suppose it was upon this principle, if we give the maxim a literal
construction, that Squire Longbow, who had lost an eye, as the reader may
recollect, had become elevated to such a pitch among his neighbors.
Education, in almost every western community, stands at about a certain
level among the masses. That level changes with changing generations, but
very seldom among individuals of the same. I ought perhaps to exclude the
Squire, who was an exception to all general rules, and would have
undoubtedly distinguished himself anywhere and under any circumstances. The
children of the pioneer, or a portion of them, receive educational
advantages, which had been denied the father, and their children still
greater, until at last the polished statue rises out of the marble in the
quarry.
But there were efforts making at Puddleford, about the time I allude to, to
increase the common stock of knowledge, and keep up the general reputation
of Puddleford with that of the world, which ought not to pass unnoticed.
One day in November, I discovered the following notice posted up in the
streets, and nailed to several trees adjacent to the highways in the
country:--
"NOTIS
"To all it may konsarn--men, wimmin, and their children.
Whareas, edication, and knowlidg of all sorts, is very
likely to run down in all knew countrys, owin to a great
manny reasons that aint propper to go into this ere
notis--and whareas many of the habitants of Puddleford and
the circumjacint country all round bout it, are in danger of
suffering that way--And whareas a few of us leading men have
thot on the matter, and concluded that sumthing must very
soon be did, or til be too late--therefore a meeting will be
held at the log-chapel next Saterday nite, to raise up the
karacter of the people in this respect.
(Signed.)
'SQUIRE LONGBOW And others.'"
On the "Saterday nite," mentioned in the above "notis," I attended at the
log-chapel, for the purpose of raising up the "karacter of the people." The
gathering was large--made up of men and women, and quite a number were in
from the country. Squire Longbow, the "Colonel," "Stub Bulliphant" the
landlord of the Eagle, Ike Turtle the pettifogger, Sile Bates his opponent,
Charity Beadle, Philista Filkins, "Aunt Graves," "Sister Abigail," Sonora
Brown, and a large number of others, made up the meeting. It was very
evident that something _would_ be done. Pretty soon Ike Turtle rose, gave a
loud rap with his fist on the side of the house, and said it was "high time
this ere body came to order, and he would nominate Squire Longbow for
President."
"You've heerd the nomination," continued the Squire, rising slowly from his
seat in another part of the house. "You who are in my favor say Ay!"
"Ay!" exclaimed the house.
"Clear vote--no use in putting the noes;" and Squire Longbow took his stand
in the pulpit, and proceeded:--
"Feller-citizens, ladies and gentlemen, all on you who are here, just keep
still while I thank you. We have cum up here on a pretty big
business--neither more nor less than edication. P'raps you don't all on you
know that edication makes everybody and everything--it made our
forefathers, it made some of us, and is a going to make our children, if
_we_ do _our_ duty. You have made me President on this occasion, and it is
my duty to thank you, and feller-citizens, you don't, you can't, no man
_can_ tell how I feel when--"
Here Ike Turtle rose. "Squire Longbow," said Ike, "arn't it rather
on-parliamentary to be speaking when you hain't got no secretary to take
things down?"
The Squire was thunderstruck. "No secretary!" he exclaimed, "no secretary!
all void! but I'll appoint Sile Bates secretary _tunk pro nunck_ (nunc pro
tunc), as we say in law, and that'll save proceedings--and as I was
saying," continued the Squire, "no man can tell how I feel, pressed down as
I am with the responsibility that you have thrown on to me." The Squire
then took his seat.
Ike Turtle rose again to state the object of the meeting. He said "he was
an old residenter, and he had in fact grown up with the country. He had
seed everything go ahead except edication. Taking out the President,
members of the larned professions, the school-master, and the man who
tended Clewes' grocery, there warn't hardly a person of edication left.
Now," continued Ike, warming up, "this shouldn't orter be--we should all
set about de _tar_ mined to do something ('Amen!' groaned Father Beals.)
Why, if it looks dark, feller-citizens, remember the dark days of the
revolution, when the soldiers went roaming about, with a piece of
corn-bread in one hand, nothing in t'other, with ragged uniforms on, and
little or no breeches, yet all the while busting with patriotism. Jest turn
your eyes backwards on to them times, and you'll think you're in paradise.
Something's got to be did for edication. We've got to have a Lyceum, a
library, and lecters on all the subjects of the day. (Here 'Aunt Graves'
gave a groan, as she expected all this would be accomplished by taxation.)
Don't groan over yender," exclaimed Ike, "'taint right to groan at a new
thing just a-starting--might as well groan down a child for fear he
wouldn't be a man. Yes, they must be had--I say they must! or we'll all run
to seed, and die. Why, Christopher Columbus, men and women, how many on you
don't know your right hand from your left, scientifically speaking, and
byme-by we shall go to ruin as old Nineveh did. Mr. President, I move that
a collection be taken for the gineral purposes of this meeting."
I was a little puzzled to determine whether Ike was serious or not. With
all his eccentricities, he was a good citizen, and always put his shoulder
to the public wheel. When he made his motion to take up a collection, a
dead calm fell upon the audience. After a few moments, Sile Bates rose, and
said,--
He "hoped this 'spectable meeting warn't going to Peter-out."
The calm continued. Squire Longbow stepped forward from his seat in the
pulpit, and remarked that "he couldn't see what difference it would make a
thousand years hence whether they did anything, or whether they didn't."
A man from the country "didn't know what money had to do with edication."
The Colonel said his pockets were "as dry as a powder-house."
One old lady thought "somebody'd have to sign for her 'fore spring."
Aunt Graves thought that "poor folks, who lived on bil'd vittels, hadn't
orter be called on."
The hat was, however, passed around, and three dollars and seventy-five
cents raised, "for the gineral purposes of the meeting," according to Ike's
motion; and I will say here that this amount was appropriated towards the
purchase of books for the Puddleford library, which was established at this
meeting, and which has now grown into usefulness and importance.
The hat was reached up to the secretary, who gave it a couple of shakes,
declaring at the same time, that he was "happy to say that the public
spirit of Puddleford hadn't gin out yet."
Squire Longbow then rose and said, that "some plan must be laid to get up a
set of lecters. There were three great sciences, law, preaching, and
physic--law consarned property, physic consarned the body, and preaching
consarned the soul. These sciences must be scattered, so everybody could
enjoy 'em. He could talk on law himself, and Bigelow could on preaching,
and physic was understood, any way. There were other subjects which would
come up in their order. There was paintin', and poetry, and music--but them
warn't of no account in a new country where money was skase. Politics was
one of the uncertain sciences, and it didn't do much good to speak on't,
any how. A feller might study and study, and just likely as not the next
election would blow him into fiddle-strings. Yet politics had got to be
had, 'cause that was what kept the country alive, and made liberty grow.
Old Gineral Washington himself had a little on't. He said 'twas one etarnal
job to start edication, but jist get the thing a-goin once, and it'll move
off like ile--it'll run rite off like a steam injin."
Ike said "he know'd a curtain lecter or two might be had," looking round at
Stub Bulliphant. "They warn't the worst kind nother. They'd bring a man all
up standin', when nothin' else would. He'd seen a fellow cave right in
under one on 'em, and come out as cow'd as a whipt spaniel. About lecterin'
on politics, he didn't know. He guessed the bushes were a little too thick
to talk on that, yet. He hoped the meetin' would speak right out, and
'spress their feelin's, wimmin and all."
Old Mrs. Fizzle had been watching the movement of this august body for some
time, and had thought, several times, that it was her duty to speak. When
Ike, therefore, invited "women and all," she concluded to try it. She was a
tall, weasel-faced looking person, and belonged to Bigelow's church. She
was an out-and-out temperance woman, and had kept all Puddleford hot by her
efforts to put down the sale of intoxicating drinks. She was a fiery,
nervous, active, good sort of a woman. Mrs. Fizzle rose. She said "she
thought she would give this meetin' a piece of her mind, consarnin' things
in general. She didn't know but the meetin' was well enough--she liked
meetins--she said she didn't care nothin' about politics, never did her any
good as she know'd on--she didn't want to hear any lecters any way 'bout
that. If some on 'em would talk 'bout temperance, she'd turn out, and give
a little something to help the cause along. She said if she really thought
that this meetin' could stop Clewes from selling licker, she'd tend it
reg'lar."
"Certainly, ma'am," said Ike, rising, and turning his eyes towards Mrs.
Fizzle. "We'll put a _ha_bus corpus on to him 'fore breakfast to-morrow
morning."
Mrs. Fizzle said, "she didn't know what that was, and she didn't care much,
if 'twould only hold him tight."
Ike said "it would hold him--couldn't break it no how--it was made by the
law to catch just such chaps with."
"Wal," said Mrs. Fizzle, "if the law made it, I'm 'fraid on't. I've hearn
tell how folks creep through holes the law leaves. I don't like your
scorpus, as you call it."
Squire Longbow rose. "He felt it his duty to say, that a writ of habus
scorpus would hold anything on airth. It was one of the biggest writs in
all nater. He could hold all Clewes' grocery with one on 'em. He felt it
his duty further to say this as a magistrate, who was bound by his oath to
take care of the law."
Mrs. Fizzle "thought that would do. She had great 'spect for the Squire's
opinion--and she now thought she'd go in for the meetin'."
Sile Bates said, "for his part, he thought the meetin' was getting a good
deal mixed. 'Every tub orter stand on its own bottom,' as the Apostle Paul,
Shakspeare, John Bunyan, or some other person said. We can't do everything
all at onst; if we try, we can't make the Millennium come until 'tis time
for't. We can kinder straighten up matters--hold onto the public morals a
little more--and give edication a punch ahead. But who knows anything about
the sciences in Puddleford? and who can lecter? 'When the blind lead the
blind,' as the newspapers say, 'they all go head over heels into the
ditch.' Great Caesar Augustus, Mr. President, jist think of a lecter on
'stronomy, that _etarnal_ science, which no man can lay his hands on, which
the human intellect gets at by figuring. Just think of Bigelow Van Slyck,
Ike Turtle, or _you_, Mr. President, measuring the distance to the stars.
Don't it make your head swim, to think on't? He wouldn't say that the
Squire couldn't lay down the law for the people, 'cause he made most on't,
and ought to know it by heart. (The Squire gave a loud cough, and
straightened himself in his seat.) As for licker, he always _was_ agin it,
that is, he never touch'd it except in haying, harvesting, husking, and
occasionally, a little along, between, when he didn't feel right. He
s'posed he was a strict temperance man--was secretary of a teetotal society
once, but it died out for want of funds to keep up lights and fires. He
hop'd this meetin' wouldn't get so much on its shoulders, as to break down
'fore it got started."
There were several more speeches and suggestions made. There were two or
three on the floor at once, several times, during the progress of business.
Order was out of the question. A course of lectures was finally decided
upon, and the meeting adjourned. The reader will not forget that the end
had in view by this rough, deliberate body was noble; and, in their own
way, they moved along steadily towards it. Such a people do not forget
their duty, however ludicrously the discharge of it may be at first.
Looking back from the present, over a period of ten years, at the
proceedings of this meeting and its results, I feel quite disposed to write
down Squire Longbow, Ike Turtle, and Sile Bates, among the philanthropists
of the age.