you through false modesty, especially now at a moment so bitter, so
humiliating for me.... Yes, Nature has given me much, but I shall die
without doing anything worthy of my powers, without leaving any trace
behind me. All my wealth is dissipated idly; I do not see the fruits of
the seeds I sow. I am wanting in something. I cannot say myself exactly
what it is I am wanting in.... I am wanting, certainly, in something
without which one cannot move men’s hearts, or wholly win a woman’s
heart; and to sway men’s minds alone is precarious, and an empire ever
unprofitable. A strange, almost farcical fate is mine; I would devote
myself--eagerly and wholly to some cause,--and I cannot devote myself. I
shall end by sacrificing myself to some folly or other in which I shall
not even believe.... Alas! at thirty-five to be still preparing for
something!...
‘I have never spoken so openly of myself to any one before--this is my
confession.
‘But enough of me. I should like to speak of you, to give you some
advice; I can be no use to you further.... You are still young; but as
long as you live, always follow the impulse of your heart, do not let
it be subordinated to your mind or the mind of others. Believe me, the
simpler, the narrower the circle in which life is passed the better;
the great thing is not to open out new sides, but that all the phases of
life should reach perfection in their own time. “Blessed is he who has
been young in his youth.” But I see that this advice applies far more to
myself than to you.
‘I confess, Natalya Alexyevna, I am very unhappy. I never deceived
myself as to the nature of the feeling which I inspired in Darya
Mihailovna; but I hoped I had found at least a temporary home.... Now I
must take the chances of the rough world again. What will replace for
me your conversation, your presence, your attentive and intelligent
face?... I myself am to blame; but admit that fate seems to have
designed a jest at my expense. A week ago I did not even myself suspect
that I loved you. The day before yesterday, that evening in the garden,
I for the first time heard from your lips,... but why remind you of
what you said then? and now I am going away to-day. I am going away
disgraced, after a cruel explanation with you, carrying with me no
hope.... And you do not know yet to what a degree I am to blame as
regards you... I have such a foolish lack of reserve, such a weak habit
of confiding. But why speak of this? I am leaving you for ever!’
(Here Rudin had related to Natalya his visit to Volintsev, but on second
thoughts he erased all that part, and added the second postscript to his
letter to Volintsev.)
‘I remain alone upon earth to devote myself, as you said to me this
morning with bitter irony, to other interests more congenial to me.
Alas! if I could really devote myself to these interests, if I could
at last conquer my inertia.... But no! I shall remain to the end the
incomplete creature I have always been.... The first obstacle, ... and
I collapse entirely; what has passed with you has shown me that. If I had
but sacrificed my love to my future work, to my vocation; but I simply
was afraid of the responsibility that had fallen upon me, and therefore
I am, truly, unworthy of you. I do not deserve that you should be torn
out of your sphere for me.... And indeed all this, perhaps, is for the
best. I shall perhaps be the stronger and the purer for this experience.
‘I wish you all happiness. Farewell! Think sometimes of me. I hope that
you may still hear of me.
‘RUDIN.’
Natalya let Rudin’s letter drop on to her lap, and sat a long time
motionless, her eyes fixed on the ground. This letter proved to her
clearer than all possible arguments that she had been right, when in the
morning, at her parting with Rudin, she had involuntarily cried out that
he did not love her! But that made things no easier for her. She sat
perfectly still; it seemed as though waves of darkness without a ray of
light had closed over her head, and she had gone down cold and dumb to
the depths. The first disillusionment is painful for every one; but for
a sincere heart, averse to self-deception and innocent of frivolity
or exaggeration, it is almost unendurable. Natalya remembered her
childhood, how, when walking in the evening, she always tried to go in
the direction of the setting sun, where there was light in the sky, and
not toward the darkened half of the heavens. Life now stood in darkness
before her, and she had turned her back on the light for ever....
Tears started into Natalya’s eyes. Tears do not always bring relief.
They are comforting and salutary when, after being long pent up in the
breast, they flow at last--at first with violence, and then more easily,
more softly; the dumb agony of sorrow is over with the tears. ... But
there are cold tears, tears that flow sparingly, wrung out drop by drop
from the heart by the immovable, weary weight of pain laid upon it: they
are not comforting, and bring no relief. Poverty weeps such tears; and
the man has not yet been unhappy who has not shed them. Natalya knew
them on that day.
Two hours passed. Natalya pulled herself together, got up, wiped her
eyes, and, lighting a candle, she burnt Rudin’s letter in the flame, and
threw the ash out of window. Then she opened Pushkin at random, and
read the first lines that met her. (She often made it her oracle in this
way.) This is what she saw:
‘When he has known its pang, for him
The torturing ghost of days that are no more,
For him no more illusion, but remorse
And memory’s serpent gnawing at his heart.’
She stopped, and with a cold smile looked at herself in the glass,
slightly nodded her head, and went down to the drawing-room.
Darya Mihailovna, directly she saw her, called her into her study, made
her sit near her, and caressingly stroked her cheek. Meanwhile she gazed
attentively, almost with curiosity, into her eyes. Darya Mihailovna was
secretly perplexed; for the first time it struck her that she did not
really understand her daughter. When she had heard from Pandalevsky of
her meeting with Rudin, she was not so much displeased as amazed that
her sensible Natalya could resolve upon such a step. But when she had
sent for her, and fell to upbraiding her--not at all as one would
have expected from a lady of European renown, but with loud and vulgar
abuse--Natalya’s firm replies, and the resolution of her looks and
movements, had confused and even intimidated her.
Rudin’s sudden, and wholly unexplained, departure had taken a great load
off her heart, but she had expected tears, and hysterics.... Natalya’s
outward composure threw her out of her reckoning again.
‘Well, child,’ began Darya Mihailovna, ‘how are you to-day?’ Natalya
looked at her mother. ‘He is gone, you see... your hero. Do you know why
he decided on going so quickly?’
‘Mamma!’ said Natalya in a low voice, ‘I give you my word, if you will
not mention him, you shall never hear his name from me.’
‘Then you acknowledge how wrongly you behaved to me?’
Natalya looked down and repeated:
‘You shall never hear his name from me.’
‘Well, well,’ answered Darya Mihailovna with a smile, ‘I believe you.
But the day before yesterday, do you remember how--There, we will pass
that over. It is all over and buried and forgotten. Isn’t it? Come, I
know you again now; but I was altogether puzzled then. There, kiss me
like a sensible girl!’
Natalya lifted Darya Mihailovna’s hand to her lips, and Darya Mihailovna
kissed her stooping head.
‘Always listen to my advice. Do not forget that you are a Lasunsky and
my daughter,’ she added, ‘and you will be happy. And now you may go.’
Natalya went away in silence. Darya Mihailovna looked after her and
thought: ‘She is like me--she too will let herself be carried away by
her feelings; _mais ella aura moins d’abandon_.’ And Darya Mihailovna
fell to musing over memories of the past... of the distant past.
Then she summoned Mlle. Boncourt and remained a long while closeted with
her.
When she had dismissed her she sent for Pandalevsky. She wanted at
all hazards to discover the real cause of Rudin’s departure... but
Pandalevsky succeeded in completely satisfying her. It was what he was
there for.
The next day Volintsev and his sister came to dinner. Darya Mihailovna
was always very affable to him, but this time she was especially
cordial to him. Natalya felt unbearably miserable; but Volintsev was
so respectful, and addressed her so timidly, that she could not but be
grateful to him in her heart. The day passed quietly, rather tediously,
but all felt as they separated that they had fallen back into the old
order of things; and that means much, very much.
Yes, all had fallen back into their old order--all except Natalya. When
at last she was able to be alone, she dragged herself with difficulty
into her bed, and, weary and worn out, fell with her face on the pillow.
Life seemed so cruel, so hateful, and so sordid, she was so ashamed of
herself, her love, and her sorrow, that at that moment she would have
been glad to die.... There were many sorrowful days in store for her,
and sleepless nights and torturing emotions; but she was young--life
had scarcely begun for her, and sooner or later life asserts its claims.
Whatever blow has fallen on a man, he must--forgive the coarseness of
the expression--eat that day or at least the next, and that is the first
step to consolation.
Natalya suffered terribly, she suffered for the first time.... But the
first sorrow, like first love, does not come again--and thank God for
it!
XII
About two years had passed. The first days of May had come. Alexandra
Pavlovna, no longer Lipin but Lezhnyov, was sitting on the balcony of
her house; she had been married to Mihailo Mihailitch for more than a
year. She was as charming as ever, and had only grown a little stouter
of late. In front of the balcony, from which there were steps leading
into the garden, a nurse was walking about carrying a rosy-cheeked baby
in her arms, in a white cloak, with a white cap on his head. Alexandra
Pavlovna kept her eyes constantly on him. The baby did not cry, but
sucked his thumb gravely and looked about him. He was already showing
himself a worthy son of Mihailo Mihailitch.
On the balcony, near Alexandra Pavlovna, was sitting our old friend,
Pigasov. He had grown noticeably greyer since we parted from him, and
was bent and thin, and he lisped when he spoke; one of his front teeth
had gone; and this lisp gave still greater asperity to his words....
His spitefulness had not decreased with years, but his sallies were less
lively, and he more frequently repeated himself. Mihailo Mihailitch was
not at home; they were expecting him in to tea. The sun had already
set. Where it had gone down, a streak of pale gold and of lemon colour
stretched across the distant horizon; on the opposite quarter of the sky
was a stretch of dove-colour below and crimson lilac above. Light clouds
seemed melting away overhead. There was every promise of prolonged fine
weather.
Suddenly Pigasov burst out laughing.
‘What is it, African Semenitch?’ inquired Alexandra Pavlovna.
‘Oh, yesterday I heard a peasant say to his wife--she had been
chattering away--“don’t squeak!” I liked that immensely. And after
all, what can a woman talk about? I never, you know, speak of present
company. Our ancestors were wiser than we. The beauty in their stories
always sits at the window with a star on her brow and never utters
a syllable. That’s how it ought to be. Think of it! the day before
yesterday, our marshal’s wife--she might have sent a pistol-shot into
my head!--says to me she doesn’t like my tendencies! Tendencies! Come,
wouldn’t it be better for her and for every one if by some beneficent
ordinance of nature she were suddenly deprived of the use of her
tongue?’
‘Oh, you are always like that, African Semenitch; you are always
attacking us poor... Do you know it’s a misfortune of a sort, really? I
am sorry for you.’
‘A misfortune! Why do you say that? To begin with, in my opinion, there
are only three misfortunes: to live in winter in cold lodgings, in
summer to wear tight shoes, and to spend the night in a room where a
baby cries whom you can’t get rid of with Persian powder; and secondly,
I am now the most peaceable of men. Why, I’m a model! You know how
properly I behave!’
‘Fine behaviour, indeed! Only yesterday Elena Antonovna complained to me
of you.’
‘Well! And what did she tell you, if I may know?’
‘She told me that for one whole morning you would make no reply to all
her questions but “what? what?” and always in the same squeaking voice.’
Pigasov laughed.
‘But that was a happy idea, you’ll allow, Alexandra Pavlovna, eh?’
‘Admirable, indeed! Can you really have behaved so rudely to a lady,
African Semenitch?’
‘What! Do you regard Elena Antonovna as a lady?’
‘What do you regard her as?’
‘A drum, upon my word, an ordinary drum such as they beat with sticks.’
‘Oh,’ interrupted Alexandra Pavlovna, anxious to change the
conversation, ‘they tell me one may congratulate you.’
‘Upon what?’
‘The end of your lawsuit. The Glinovsky meadows are yours.’
‘Yes, they are mine,’ replied Pigasov gloomily.
‘You have been trying to gain this so many years, and now you seem
discontented.’
‘I assure you, Alexandra Pavlovna,’ said Pigasov slowly, ‘nothing can
be worse and more injurious than good-fortune that comes too late.
It cannot give you pleasure in any way, and it deprives you of the
right--the precious right--of complaining and cursing Providence. Yes,
madam, it’s a cruel and insulting trick--belated fortune.’
Alexandra Pavlovna only shrugged her shoulders.
‘Nurse,’ she began, ‘I think it’s time to put Misha to bed. Give him to
me.’
While Alexandra Pavlovna busied herself with her son, Pigasov walked off
muttering to the other corner of the balcony.
Suddenly, not far off on the road that ran the length of the garden,
Mihailo Mihailitch made his appearance driving his racing droshky. Two
huge house-dogs ran before the horse, one yellow, the other grey, both
only lately obtained. They incessantly quarrelled, and were inseparable
companions. An old pug-dog came out of the gate to meet them. He opened
his mouth as if he were going to bark, but ended by yawning and turning
back again with a friendly wag of the tail.
‘Look here, Sasha,’ cried Lezhnyov, from the distance, to his wife,
‘whom I am bringing you.’
Alexandra Pavlovna did not at once recognise the man who was sitting
behind her husband’s back.
‘Ah! Mr. Bassistoff!’ she cried at last.
‘It’s he,’ answered Lezhnyov; ‘and he has brought such glorious news.
Wait a minute, you shall know directly.’
And he drove into the courtyard.
Some minutes later he came with Bassistoff into the balcony.
‘Hurrah!’ he cried, embracing his wife, ‘Serezha is going to be
married.’
‘To whom?’ asked Alexandra Pavlovna, much agitated.
‘To Natalya, of course. Our friend has brought the news from Moscow, and
there is a letter for you.’
‘Do you hear, Misha,’ he went on, snatching his son into his arms, ‘your
uncle’s going to be married? What criminal indifference! he only blinks
his eyes!’
‘He is sleepy,’ remarked the nurse.
‘Yes,’ said Bassistoff, going up to Alexandra Pavlovna, ‘I have come
to-day from Moscow on business for Darya Mihailovna--to go over the
accounts on the estate. And here is the letter.’
Alexandra Pavlovna opened her brother’s letter in haste. It consisted of
a few lines only. In the first transport of joy he informed his sister
that he had made Natalya an offer, and received her consent and Darya
Mihailovna’s; and he promised to write more by the next post, and sent
embraces and kisses to all. It was clear he was writing in a state of
delirium.
Tea was served, Bassistoff sat down. Questions were showered upon him.
Every one, even Pigasov, was delighted at the news he had brought.
‘Tell me, please,’ said Lezhnyov among the rest, ‘rumours reached us of
a certain Mr. Kortchagin. That was all nonsense, I suppose?’
Kortchagin was a handsome young man, a society lion, excessively
conceited and important; he behaved with extraordinary dignity, just
as if he had not been a living man, but his own statue set up by public
subscription.
‘Well, no, not altogether nonsense,’ replied Bassistoff with a smile;
‘Darya Mihailovna was very favourable to him; but Natalya Alexyevna
would not even hear of him.’
‘I know him,’ put in Pigasov, ‘he’s a double dummy, a noisy dummy, if
you like! If all people were like that, it would need a large sum of
money to induce one to consent to live--upon my word!’
‘Very likely,’ answered Bassistoff; ‘but he plays a leading part in
society.’
‘Well, never mind him!’ cried Alexandra Pavlovna. ‘Peace be with him!
Ah! how glad I am for my brother! And Natalya, is she bright and
happy?’
‘Yes. She is quiet, as she always is. You know her--but she seems
contented.’
The evening was spent in friendly and lively talk. They sat down to
supper.
‘Oh, by the way,’ inquired Lezhnyov of Bassistoff, as he poured him out
some Lafitte, ‘do you know where Rudin is?’
‘I don’t know for certain now. He came last winter to Moscow for a short
time, and then went with a family to Simbirsk. I corresponded with
him for some time; in his last letter he informed me he was leaving
Simbirsk--he did not say where he was going--and since then I have heard
nothing of him.’
‘He is all right!’ put in Pigasov. ‘He is staying somewhere sermonising.
That gentleman will always find two or three adherents everywhere, to
listen to him open-mouthed and lend him money. You will see he will end
by dying in some out-of-the-way corner in the arms of an old maid in a
wig, who will believe he is the greatest genius in the world.’
‘You speak very harshly of him,’ remarked Bassistoff, in a displeased
undertone.
‘Not a bit harshly,’ replied Pigasov; ‘but perfectly fairly. In my
opinion, he is simply nothing else than a sponge. I forgot to tell you,’
he continued, turning to Lezhnyov, ‘that I have made the acquaintance of
that Terlahov, with whom Rudin travelled abroad. Yes! Yes! What he told
me of him, you cannot imagine--it’s simply screaming! It’s a remarkable
fact that all Rudin’s friends and admirers become in time his enemies.’
‘I beg you to except me from the number of such friends!’ interposed
Bassistoff warmly.
‘Oh, you--that’s a different thing! I was not speaking of you.’
‘But what did Terlahov tell you?’ asked Alexandra Pavlovna.
‘Oh, he told me a great deal; there’s no remembering it all. But
the best of all was an anecdote of what happened to Rudin. As he was
incessantly developing (these gentlemen always are developing; other
people simply sleep and eat; but they manage their sleeping and eating
in the intervals of development; isn’t that it, Mr. Bassistoff?’
Bassistoff made no reply.) ‘And so, as he was continually developing,
Rudin arrived at the conclusion, by means of philosophy, that he ought
to fall in love. He began to look about for a sweetheart worthy of
such an astonishing conclusion. Fortune smiled upon him. He made the
acquaintance of a very pretty French dressmaker. The whole incident
occurred in a German town on the Rhine, observe. He began to go and see
her, to take her various books, to talk to her of Nature and Hegel.
Can you fancy the position of the dressmaker? She took him for an
astronomer. However, you know he’s not a bad-looking fellow--and a
foreigner, a Russian, of course--he took her fancy. Well, at last he
invited her to a rendezvous, and a very poetical rendezvous, in a boat
on the river. The Frenchwoman agreed; dressed herself in her best and
went out with him in a boat. So they spent two hours. How do you think
he was occupied all that time? He patted the Frenchwoman on the head,
gazed thoughtfully at the sky, and frequently repeated that he felt
for her the tenderness of a father. The Frenchwoman went back home in a
fury, and she herself told the story to Terlahov afterwards! That’s the
kind of fellow he is.’
And Pigasov broke into a loud laugh.
‘You old cynic!’ said Alexandra Pavlovna in a tone of annoyance, ‘but I
am more and more convinced that even those who attack Rudin cannot find
any harm to say of him.’
‘No harm? Upon my word! and his perpetual living at other people’s
expense, his borrowing money.... Mihailo Mihailitch, he borrowed of you
too, no doubt, didn’t he?’
‘Listen, African Semenitch!’ began Lezhnyov, and his face assumed a
serious expression, ‘listen; you know, and my wife knows, that the last
time I saw him I felt no special attachment for Rudin, and I even often
blamed him. For all that (Lezhnyov filled up the glasses with champagne)
this is what I suggest to you now; we have just drunk to the health of
my dear brother and his future bride; I propose that you drink now to
the health of Dmitri Rudin!’
Alexandra Pavlovna and Pigasov looked in astonishment at Lezhnyov, but
Bassistoff sat wide-eyed, blushing and trembling all over with delight.
‘I know him well,’ continued Lezhnyov, ‘I am well aware of his faults.
They are the more conspicuous because he himself is not on a small
scale.’
‘Rudin has character, genius!’ cried Bassistoff.
‘Genius, very likely he has!’ replied Lezhnyov, ‘but as for character
... That’s just his misfortune, that there’s no character in him... But
that’s not the point. I want to speak of what is good, of what is rare
in him. He has enthusiasm; and believe me, who am a phlegmatic person
enough, that is the most precious quality in our times. We have all
become insufferably reasonable, indifferent, and slothful; we are asleep
and cold, and thanks to any one who will wake us up and warm us! It is
high time! Do you remember, Sasha, once when I was talking to you about
him, I blamed him for coldness? I was right, and wrong too, then. The
coldness is in his blood--that is not his fault--and not in his head. He
is not an actor, as I called him, nor a cheat, nor a scoundrel; he lives
at other people’s expense, not like a swindler, but like a child....
Yes; no doubt he will die somewhere in poverty and want; but are we to
throw stones at him for that? He never does anything himself precisely,
he has no vital force, no blood; but who has the right to say that he
has not been of use? that his words have not scattered good seeds in
young hearts, to whom nature has not denied, as she has to him, powers
for action, and the faculty of carrying out their own ideas? Indeed,
I myself, to begin with, have gained all that from him.... Sasha knows
what Rudin did for me in my youth. I also maintained, I recollect, that
Rudin’s words could not produce an effect on men; but I was speaking
then of men like myself, at my present age, of men who have already
lived and been broken in by life. One false note in a man’s eloquence,
and the whole harmony is spoiled for us; but a young man’s ear, happily,
is not so over-fine, not so trained. If the substance of what he
hears seems fine to him, what does he care about the intonation! The
intonation he will supply for himself!’
‘Bravo, bravo!’ cried Bassistoff, ‘that is justly spoken! And as regards
Rudin’s influence, I swear to you, that man not only knows how to move
you, he lifts you up, he does not let you stand still, he stirs you to
the depths and sets you on fire!’