The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin--They Call on Emperor
William and his Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on Them
All.
Berlin, Germany.--My Dear Old Pummer-nickel: Now we have got pretty near
home, and you would enjoy it to be with us, because you couldn't tell
the town from Milwaukee, except for the military precision with which
everything is conducted, where you never take a glass of beer without
cracking your heels together like a soldier, and giving a military
salute to the bartender, who is the commander-in-chief of all who happen
to patronize his bar. Everybody here acts like he was at a picnic in the
woods, with a large barrel of beer, with perspiration oozing down the
outside, and a spigot of the largest size, which fills a schooner at one
turn of the wrist, and every man either smiles or laughs out loud, and
you feel as though there was happiness everywhere, and that heaven was
right here in this greatest German city.
[Illustration: There is laughter everywhere 353]
There is laughter everywhere, except when the Emperor drives by,
escorted by his bodyguard, on the finest horses in the world; then
every citizen on the street stops smiling and laughing; all stand
at attention, and every face takes on a solemn, patriotic, almost a
fighting look, as though each man would consider it his happiest duty
and pleasure to walk right up to the mouth of cannon and die in his
tracks for his pale-faced, haggard and loved Emperor. And the Emperor
never smiles on his subjects as he passes, but looks into every eye on
both sides of the beautiful street, with an expression of agony on his
face, but a proud light in his eye, as though he would say, “Ach, Gott,
but they are daisies, and they would fight for the Fatherland with the
last breath in their bodies.”
The pride of the people in that moustached young man, with the look of
suffering, is only equalled by the pride of the Emperor in every German
in Germany, or anywhere on the face of the globe. There is none of the
“Hello, Bill!” such as we have in America, when the President drives
through his people, many of whom yell, “Hello, Teddy!” while he shows
his teeth, and laughs, and stands up in his carriage, and says, “Hello,
Mike,” as he recognizes an acquaintance. But these same “Hello, Bill,”
Americans are probably just as loyal to their chief, whoever he may be,
and would fight as hard as the loving Germans would for their hereditary
Emperor.
I suppose there is somebody working in Berlin, but it seems to us that
the whole population, so far as can be seen, is bent on enjoying every
minute, walking the streets, in good clothes, giving military salutes,
and drinking beer between meals, and talking about what Germany would do
to an enemy if the ever-present chip on the shoulder should be knocked
off, even accidentally. But they all seem to love America, and when we
registered at the hotel, from Milwaukee, Wis., U. S. A., citizens began
to gather around us and ask about relatives at our home. They seem to
think that every German who has settled in Milwaukee owns a brewery, and
that all are rich, and that some day they will come back to Germany and
spend the money, and fight for the Emperor.
We did not have the heart to tell them that all the Germans in Milwaukee
were going to stay there and spend their money, and while their hearts
were still warm towards the Fatherland, they loved the Stars and
Stripes, and would fight for the American flag, against the world, and
that the younger Germans spoke the German language, if it all, with a
Yankee accent. Gee, but wouldn't the people of Berlin be hot under the
collar if they knew how many Germans in America were unfamiliar with the
make-up of the German flag, and that they only see it occasionally when
some celebration of German days takes place.
Well, when dad saw the German Emperor drive down the great street, and
got a look at his face, he said, “Hennery, I have got to see that
young man and advise him to go and consult a doctor,” and so we made
arrangements to go to the Palace and see the Emperor and his son, the
Crown Prince, who will before long take the empire on his shoulders, if
William is as sick as he looks. You don't have to hire any masquerade
clothes to call on the Emperor of Germany, like you do when you visit
royalty in Turkey and Egypt, for a good frock coat and a silk hat will
take you anywhere in the day time, and a swallowtail is legal tender at
night; so dad put on his frock coat and silk hat, just as he would to
go and attend an afternoon wedding at home, and we were ushered in to a
regular parlor, where the Emperor was having fun with his children, and
the Empress was doing some needlework.
Dad supposed we would have to talk to the Emperor and the Prince through
an interpreter, and we stood there waiting for some one to break the
ice, when some one told the Emperor that an American gentleman and his
boy wanted to pay their respects, and the Emperor, who wore an ordinary
dark suit, with no military frills, took one of the young Princes he had
been playing with across his knee and gave him a couple of easy spanks,
in fun, and the whole family was laughing, and the spanked boy “tackled”
the Emperor around the legs, below the knee, like a football player,
and the other Princes pulled him off, and the Emperor came up to dad,
smiling as though he was having the time of his life, and spoke to dad
in the purest English, and said he was glad to see the “Bad Boy” man,
because he had read all about the pranks of the Bad Boy, and bid dad
welcome to Germany, and he didn't look sick at all.
[Illustration: And so this is the champion little devil of America 357]
Dad was taken all of a heap, and didn't know what to make of the German
Emperor talking English, but when the ruler of Germany turned to me and
said, “And so this is the champion little devil of America,” and patted
me on the head, dad felt that he had struck a friend of the family,
and he sat down with the Emperor and talked for half an hour, while the
young Princes gathered around me, and we sat down on the floor and the
boys got out their knives, and we played mumbletypeg on the carpet, just
as though we were at home, and all the boys talked English, and we had
a bully time. The princes had all read “Peck's Bad Boy” and I think the
Emperor and Empress have encouraged them in their wickedness, for the
boys told me of several tricks they had played on their father, the
Emperor, which they had copied from the Bad Boy, and it made me blush
when they told of initiating their father into the Masons, the way my
chum and I initiated dad into the Masons with the aid of a goat.
I asked the boys how their dad took it, and told them from what we in
America heard about the Emperor of Germany, we would think he would
kill anybody that played a trick on him; but they said he would stand
anything from the children, and enjoy it; but if grown men attempted
to monkey with him, the fur would fly. The Crown Prince came in and was
introduced to me, and he seemed proud to see me, cause his uncle, Prince
Henry, had told him about being in Milwaukee, and how all the women in
that town were the handsomest he had ever seen in his trip around the
world, and he asked me if it was so. I referred him to dad, and dad
told him the women were the greatest in the world, and then dad made
his usual break. He said: “Look ahere, Mister Prince, you have got to be
married some day, and raise a family to hand the German empire down to,
and my advice to you is not to let them saw off on to you no duchess or
princess as homely as a hedge fence, with no ginger in her blood, but
you skip out to America, and come to Milwaukee, and I will introduce you
to girls that are so handsome they will make you toe the mark, and if
you marry one of them she will raise a family of healthy young royalty
with no humor in the blood, and you won't have to go off and be gay away
from home, cause an American wife will take you by the ear if you
show any signs of wandering from your own fireside, like lots of your
relatives have done.”
Gee, but that made the Emperor hot, and he said dad needn't instill any
of his American ideas into the German nobility, as he could run
things all right without any help, and dad got ready to go, cause the
atmosphere was getting sort of chilly, but the Emperor soon got over
his huff, and told dad not to hurry, and then he turned to me and said,
“Now, little American Bad Boy, what kind of a trick are you going to
play on me, 'cause from what I have read of you I know you will never
go out of this house without giving me a benefit, and all my boys expect
it, and will enjoy it, the same as I will; now, let 'er go.”
I felt that it was up to me to do something to maintain the reputation
I had made, so I said, “Your majesty, I will now proceed to make it
interesting for you, if you and the boys will kindly be seated in a
circle around me.” They got into a circle, all laughing, and I took out
of my pistol pocket a half pint flask, of glass, covered with leather,
and with a stopper that opened by touching a spring, and I walked around
in front of each one of the Royal family, mumbling, “Ene-mene-mony-my,”
and opening the flask in front of each one, and pretty soon they all
began to get nervous, and scratch themselves, and the Emperor slapped
his leg, and pinched his arm, and put his fingers down his collar and
scratched his neck, and the Crown Prince jumped up and kicked his leg,
and scratched his back, and said, “Say, kid, you are not hypnotizing
us, are you?” and I said, “Ene-meny-mony-my,” and kept on touching the
stopper.
By and by they all got to scratching, and the Emperor turned sort of
pale, but he was going to see the show through to the end, as long as
he had a ticket, and he said, “What is the joke, anyway?” and I kept on
saying, “Ene-mene-mony-my,” and walking around in front of them, and dad
began to dance around, too, and dig under his shirt bosom, and scratch
his leg, and then they all scratched in unison, and laughed, and a
little prince asked how long before they would know what it was all
about, and I said my ene-mene, and looked solemn, and dad said, “What
you giving us?” and I said, “Never you mind; this is my show, and I am
the whole push,” and everybody had raised up out of his chair and each
was scratching for all that was out, and finally the Emperor said, “I
like a joke as well as anybody, but I can't laugh until I know what I am
laughing about,” and he told dad to make me show what was in the bottle,
and I showed the bottle and there was nothing in it, and there they
stood scratching themselves, and I told dad we better excuse ourselves
and go, and we were going all right enough when dad said, “What is it
you are doing?” and as we got almost to the door I said, “Your majesty,
I have distributed, impartially, I trust, in the Royal family of
Germany, a half a pint of the hungriest fleas that Egypt can produce,
for they have been in that flask three weeks, with nothing to eat except
themselves, and I estimate that there were a million Cairo fleas in
the flask, enough to set up housekeeping in your palace, with enough to
stock the palace of your Crown Prince when he is married, and this is
that you may remember the visit of Peck's Bad Boy and his Dad.”
[Illustration: Dad leaned against a lamp post and scratched his back
364]
The Emperor was mad at first, but he laughed, and when we got out of the
palace dad leaned against a lamp post and scratched his back, and said
to me, “Hennery, you never ought to have did it,” and I said, “What
could a poor boy do when called upon suddenly to do something to
entertain royalty?”
“Well,” says dad, “I don't care for myself, but this thing is apt to
bring on international complications,” and I said, “Yes, it will bring
Persia into it, cause they will have to use Persian insect powder to get
rid of them,” and then we went to our hotel and fought fleas all night,
and thought of the sleepless night the royal family were having.
Well, so long, old Pummernickel.
Your only,
Hennery.