"Albert Weener," I replied.
There was a faint sigh through the room. Everyone who read the _Daily
Intelligencer_ had heard of me.
"And what is your occupation, Mr Weener?" asked Henry Miller.
"Salesman, sir," I answered automatically, forgetting my present
connection with the newspaper, and he smiled at me sympathetically.
"You belong to a socalled tradesunion?" inquired Assemblyman Brown.
"I will ask the honorable Mr Brown to modify his question by having the
word 'socalled' struck from it."
"I will inform the honorable attorney general that my question stands
exactly as I phrased it," rejoined Assemblyman Brown sharply. "I'll
remind the attorney general I myself am a member in good standing of a
legitimate union, namely the International Brotherhood of Embalmers,
Morticians, Gravediggers and Helpers, and when I asked the witness if he
belonged to a socalled tradesunion I was referring to any one of those
groups of Red conspirators who attempt to strangle the economic body by
interfering with the normal course of business and mulcting honest
citizens of tributary dues before they can pursue their livelihoods."
Judge Robinson cupped his ear again and glared at me. "Speak up man;
stop mumbling."
"I don't belong to any union," I answered as soon as there was a chance
for my words to be heard. Senator Jones took a notebook from his pocket,
consulted it, put it back, scribbled something on the pad in front of
him, tore it up, looked at his notebook again and asked, "What is your
connection with this ... um ... grass?"
"I applied Miss Francis' Metamorphizer to it, sir," I answered.
"Nonsense," said Judge Robinson sharply.
"Explain yourself," demanded Attorney General Smith.
"Tell us just what this stuff is and how you applied it," suggested
Henry Miller.
"Don't mumble," ordered Judge Robinson.
"I'm sorry, gentlemen, I don't know exactly what it is. Youll have to
ask Miss Francis that. But--"
Senator Jones interrupted me. "You mean to say you applied a chemical to
someone's lawn, a piece of valuable property, without knowing its
contents?" he asked sternly.
"Well, Senator----" I began.
"Do you habitually act in this irresponsible manner?"
"Senator, I----"
"Don't you understand, sir, that consequences necessarily follow
actions? What sort of world would this be if everyone rushed around
blindly using things of whose nature they were completely unaware?"
"Don't mumble," warned Judge Robinson.
I began to feel very low indeed and could only say haltingly, "I acted
in good faith, gentlemen," when Mr Miller kindly recommended that I be
excused since I had evidently given all the information at my command.
"Subject to recall," growled Attorney General Smith.
"Oh, certainly, sir, certainly," agreed Mr Miller, and I was thankfully
released from my ordeal.
"Josephine Spencer Francis."
I cannot say Miss Francis had made any concessions in her appearance in
deference to the committee, for she looked as though she had come
straight from her kitchen, a suspicion strengthened by the strand of
grass she carried in her fingers and played with absently throughout.
She appeared quite at home as she settled herself in the chair, scanning
with the greatest interest the faces of the committeemen as if she were
memorizing each feature for future reference.
The honorable body returned her scrutiny with sharply individual
emphasis. The attorney general smiled pleasantly at her; Judge Robinson
looked more sour than ever and grunted, "Woman; mistake"; Senator Jones
bowed toward her with courtesy; Assemblyman Brown gave her a sharp
onceover; Mr Miller pursed his lips in amusement; and Dr Johnson gazed
at her in horrified fascination.
Senator Jones bowed for a second time and inquired her name. He
received the information and chewed it meditatively. Miss Francis took
out her gold toothpick, considered the etiquette of using it and
regretfully put it away in time to hear the attorney general's question,
"Mrs or Miss Francis?"
"Miss," she replied gruffly. "_Virgo intacta._"
Senator Jones drew back as if attacked by a wasp. Attorney General Smith
said, "Hum," very loudly and looked at Assemblyman Brown who looked
blank. Dr Johnson's nose raised itself a perceptible inch and Judge
Robinson, sensing a sensation among his colleagues, shouted, "Speak up,
madam, don't mumble."
Mr. Miller, who hadnt been affected, inquired, "What is your occupation,
Miss Francis?"
"Agrostological engineer, specializing in chemical research."
"How's that again?" Judge Robinson managed to put into the simple
gesture of cupping his ear a devastating condemnation of Miss Francis,
women in general, science and presentday society. She politely repeated
herself.
"Astrology--what's that got to do with the grass? Do you cast
horoscopes?"
"Agrostology," Dr Johnson murmured to the ceiling.
"Will you explain please in simpler terms, just what you do?" requested
Attorney General Smith.
"Local statutes against fortunetelling," burst out Judge Robinson.
"I have spent my life studying reactions of plants to the lighter
elements and the effects of certain compounds on their growth,
reproduction, and metabolism."
Judge Robinson removed his hand from behind his ear and rubbed his skull
irritably. Assemblyman Brown complained, "There's entirely too much talk
about reaction." Dr Johnson inspected a paneled wall with no interest
whatever and Senator Jones stated pontifically, "You are an agricultural
chemist."
Miss Francis smiled at him amiably. "Agriculture is a broad field and I
farm one small corner of it."
Attorney General Smith leaned forward with interest. "From what
university did you obtain your degrees, Miss Francis?"
She slouched back comfortably, to look more cylindrical than ever.
"None," she stated baldly.
"Hay? ... mumble!"
Senator Jones said, "I'm afraid I did not quite understand your reply,
madam."
"I hold no degrees, honors, or diplomas whatever, and I have not wasted
one second of my life in any college, university, academy, or other
alleged institution of learning. The degrees good enough for Roger
Bacon, Erasmus Darwin, Lavoisier, Linnaeus and Lamarck are good enough
for me. I am a questioner, gentlemen, a learner, not a collector of
alphabetical letters which, strung together in any form your fancy
pleases, continue eternally to spell nothing whatever."
Sensation. One of the experts who had been waiting patiently to testify,
folded his arms and said in a loud voice, "This is what comes of
tolerating women in the professions." Another muttered, "Charlatan ...
ridiculous ... dangerous thing ... shameful ... sex ..." Two elderly
ladies in broadcloth coats with fur collars, later identified as
crusaders for antivivisection, cheered feebly and were promptly ejected.
Senator Jones took off his spectacles, polished them exhaustively, tried
to put them on upside down, gave up and stated gravely, "This is an
extraordinary admission, Miss, um, Francis."
"It is not an admission at all; it is a statement of fact. As for its
irregularity, I take the liberty of believing we unlettered ones are in
the majority rather than minority."