To the philosophical mind of a Roundabout Reader the General Election
ought to offer many points of interest, not because he is a politician,
but because, in the interest of his reading, he has to occupy a
position of detachment, and therefore perhaps sees more of the humours
and absurdities which crowd the animated scene. Yet here, for instance,
am I, a diligent turner over of every possible kind of newspaper,
metropolitan and provincial, and all that I have carried away from my
careful investigations is a confused sense that if electors on either
side only "stand shoulder to shoulder," "leave no stone unturned,"
and "work as one man from now till the polling-day," why each tide is
positively certain that "another nail will be driven into the coffin"
of the other side, that "a resounding blow will be struck for the
good cause," and that "the banner under which we have secured many a
brilliant victory will once more float triumphantly in the breeze." As
for the "moral victories" gained, they are almost overwhelming both in
number and in result.
* * * * *
Indeed, there is nothing so dangerously attractive to speaker and to
audience as a fine old crusted political tag. Policies and programmes
are as dust in the balance. As you listen to a speaker and watch his
hearers, you may see a smile of perfect confidence and satisfaction
spreading over the faces of the latter while the former winds himself
up to the well-known, fondly-loved, and long-expected tag, which is the
inevitable conclusion of the fiery oratorical period. "That," they say
to themselves, "is the man for us. He says exactly what we should have
said in the only appropriate words." Result--_Loud and enthusiastic
cheers, amidst which_ Mr. PLATTIT-EWD _resumed his seat,
having spoken for three-quarters of an hour._
* * * * *
And the old familiar funny stories, the humorous allusions, the
sparkling gibes, have they not been trotted out from Land's End to
John o' Groat's House? Welcome have you been, oh ye kittens, born
blind as Liberal (or Conservative) kittens, and converted, through the
opening of your eyes, into Conservative (or Liberal) kittens; welcome
also, ye hounds, who have devoured all your labels, and know not your
destination. Many a time have I hunted with your sporting pack, and
seen my friends ride gallantly at your tails. Also there is a wolf, and
there is a lamb; and there was once a Sibyl who dealt in books, and
there is an Italian who, having performed the most coruscating solos on
the barrel-organ, failed miserably when asked to oblige upon the piano.
All these have played their parts nobly. Not for long do I bid them
farewell. They will return, I know they will, with the first mutterings
of the next election.
* * * * *
Pray consider my verse, which, if learnt by heart pat, forms
The best of all tips for political platforms.
With a slight dash of MILL you may burden your speeches,
You may tell the great tale of O'BRIEN, his breeches.
On the one side you'll tear WILLIAM HARCOURT to tatters;
He's out for a time, but I don't think it matters.
Then, in talking of JOE, what will help very much is
A delicate hint at a Duke or a Duchess;
A suggestion that coats are the garments, if any,
That mustn't be turned when their colours are many:
And that programmes (you'll pause ere you flatly refuse 'em)
Are Brummagem goods, which will break when you use 'em.
Then, whether your hearers be Whig or be Tory,
By the scruff of its neck you must drag in a story.
Adjure them, my friend, lest their zeal should grow colder,
To fight for the Cause, standing shoulder to shoulder.
And, whether you battle for that chief or this chief,
Inform them that stones, if unturned, are the mischief.
And, last but not least, no opponent will quarrel,
When all that you claim is a win _plus_ a moral.
* * * * *
As an example of how political conflicts ought to be carried on take
the case of West Fife. While Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL, the
Radical Candidate, was speaking in Thornton School, "the door of
the room was opened, and Mr. WEMYSS, the Liberal Unionist
candidate for the constituency, asked 'May I come in,' to which Mr.
BIRRELL replied 'Yes, certainly.' Mr. WEMYSS, who
was followed by a large number of supporters, then entered the hall,
and took a seat on one of the front benches, which he occupied until
the close of the address, when he was greeted with loud calls for
a speech. In response to the call, he remarked that he had already
made eight or nine speeches that day, and must be excused from making
another. He had, however, enjoyed Mr. BIRRELL'S speech very
much. It was not for him to criticise it at that meeting, but he might
only say that he felt sure the electors of West Fife would vote for
whom they considered the best man and the man they believed would do
his duty. He then called for three hearty cheers for his opponent,
Mr. BIRRELL. Votes of confidence were then put for both
candidates, when that in favour of Mr. BIRRELL was declared
carried. The opposing candidates then shook hands, and departed
evidently the best of friends."
* * * * *
A totally different picture comes to us from Aston Manor, as I judge
from the following letter in the BIRMINGHAM DAILY GAZETTE.