Is it time to leave town? Yes, it is time to leave town, because the
good neighbours have put up their shutters (_i.e._, the shutters of the
good neighbours). Do all the good neighbours put up their shutters?
Yes, all put up their shutters, but one of them stays in town at
the back of the house. Why does one of the good neighbours stay in
town at the back of the house? To escape the expense of leaving town
incurred by the other good neighbours who have put up their shutters.
Is that expense a great one? Yes, a very great one. Have they any
other drawbacks? Yes, they have the annoyances of a caretaker. What
are the annoyances of a caretaker? The annoyances of a caretaker are
her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her mother, and all
her relations. When a caretaker enters the house of one of the good
neighbours, is she accompanied by her annoyances? Yes, the caretaker is
accompanied by her annoyances. Does the caretaker lead a happy life in
the house of one of the good neighbours? Yes, she leads a happy life,
and so do her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her mother, and
all her relations. What do the relations of the caretaker do in the
house of one of the good neighbours? They smoke in the drawing-room in
the house of one of the good neighbours. If anyone calls to see the
good neighbour, what does the caretaker do? The caretaker generally
refuses to attend to the bell. Should the caretaker attend to the
bell, what does she do? She tells the caller who wishes to see the
good neighbour that she knows nothing of the master of the house's
movements (_i.e._, the movements of the master of the house). Does the
caller then retire under the impression that the house has been sold
up, and that the good neighbour has entered the Court of Bankruptcy
(_i.e._, the Bankruptcy Court)? The caller does leave the house under
that impression. While this impression is being created in London,
is the good neighbour unconsciously attempting to enjoy himself in
Switzerland? Yes, the good neighbour is undoubtedly attempting to
enjoy himself in Switzerland, in spite of the cookery, the lack of
accommodation, the expense, and the weather. If the good neighbour
ceased to be unconscious, and became aware of the damage that was being
done to his credit by the caretaker, what would that good neighbour do?
The good neighbour would probably swear. Then would the good language
of the good neighbour change in its character? Yes; for it would
become the bad language of the bad neighbour. Would the bad language
of the bad neighbour have any immediate effect upon the caretaker,
her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her mother, and all her
relatives? No, for the bad language would be uttered in Switzerland,
and the caretaker, her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her
mother, and all her relatives would be in London. Then what would the
caretaker, her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her mother, and
all her relatives do in the house of one of the good neighbours during
the protracted absence of the good neighbour on the Continent? They
would continue to smoke in the drawing-room.
* * * * *
"HONOURS EASY."
Mr. TRELOAR wrote to the _Times_ the other day _à propos_
of Mr. WILLIAMSON'S peerage. Messrs. TRELOAR and
WILLIAMSON are in the same business, _i.e._ the linoleum
trade, and Mr. TRELOAR suggested that "_Lord LINOLEUM
would not be a bad title_." Quite agree with him. Let persons take
titles from some specialty of their trade or calling. Suppose peerages
granted to
Chiropedist Marquis of CUTACORN.
Soda-water Manufacturer Lord SODA AND BANG.
Tailor Viscount VEST.
Butcher (_Irish title_) Baron O'BEEF.
Jeweller Duke of DIAMONDS.
Grocer Lord SUGAR AND SANDS.
Draper Earl of SUMMERGOODS AND WINTERSALES.
Ditto Lord REMNANTS OF UNDERWEAR.
Bootmaker (_with French polish_) Marquis DE SHOES ET AUTRES.
Numerous variations will occur to readers. They can be forwarded to our
office as probably useful when the next "honours easy" are dealt out.
* * * * *
"OH, THE IRONY OF IT!"--Last week, whilst reports of Tory
successes in the boroughs daily reached London, the leading Liberal
paper, regardless of expense, had the walls covered with large placards
announcing that "the _Daily News_ has the best election intelligence."
"If this is the best," said Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, observing
one of the placards on his way back from Derby, "I shouldn't like to
know the worst."
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SPILL!
JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL
TO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER,
JACK FELL DOWN AND BROKE HIS CROWN,
AND JILL CAME TUMBLING AFTER.]
* * * * *