(_A Reminiscence of the Recent Elections._)
SCENE--_The corner of Northumberland Avenue, opposite the
National Liberal Club, where a screen is erected, on which the latest
results of the second day's pollings, together with photographs of
prominent Liberal politicians, and scathing caricatures of Unionist
leaders, are being exhibited by a magic lantern for the benefit of a
large and good-humoured crowd. The sympathies of the majority are, as
might perhaps be expected, with the winning side, but the minority
is very fairly represented, while in "booing" and "brayvo"-ing they
are incontestably the stronger party._ TIME--_Between 10
P.M. and 12.30 A.M._
_Spectators_ (_as the portrait of_ Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT
_is displayed_). Yah! Tike 'im down! 'Ow about Durby?... Brayvo!...
Three cheers fur 'AR-COURT! 'E'll come back yet! (_Lord_
ROSEBERY'S _likeness follows_.) Good ole _Ladas!_ Cheer up!
Put a _smile_ on 'im!
[Mr. GLADSTONE'S _face, leonine and benignant, is next shown_.
_A Chivalrous Conservative_ (_magnanimously_). 'E's a grand old chap,
any'ow; _I_ ain't goin' to chevy 'im.
[_Which, to the credit of the assembly, seems to be the general
sentiment, as conveyed by unanimous applause._
_A Sanguine Radical._ We shall 'ave the results in soon now; it's past
ten. We shall do better to-day than what we did Saturday, you _see_....
Ah, here's the first--"Hereford. Unionist Majority, 313. No change."
You can't _expeck_ none in a rotten place like that! You _wait_ a
bit.... "Croydon. Increased Unionist majority of 835. No change."
Well, 'UTCHINSON done very well; it's a strong Tory seat, is
Croydon. They're on'y 'olding their own so far--that's all.
_Radical Group_ (_as a series of cartoons is next displayed_).
Hor-hor! There's JOEY, d'ye see? Boo-oo. "'E tiles not
now!"... 'Oo's _that?_ The ole Dook o' CAMBRIDGE? No, it's
Lord SOLSBURY, that is. So it is. That's a good 'it, eh? Look
at the size of 'is _boots!_ What's written on them? "_Comfort_," or
somethink! "_Chuck-out_," is it? Oh, I couldn't make the writing out.
Hor-hor; got 'im there, they 'ave. Garn. King BOMBA!... Look
at ole GOSHIN. 'E _'ave_ give 'im a _'at_, ain't 'e? I arsk
_you_, is _that_ a fice, as orter be in Parliment?... 'Ave they 'ad
BALFOUR up yet? Yuss, they did _'im_ with 'is trousers shrunk
up to 'is knees. Kepital it was. Harhar! that's the way to show _that_
lot up, and no mistake! (_&c., &c._)
_The Crowd_ (_as several results are announced in succession_).
Comin' in quick now, ain't they? Look there! "Boston. Unionist gain!"
'Oo-ra-ay! bo-oo-oo! "North Lambeth. Unionist gain." .... "Rochdale.
Unionist gain!".... "Bristol (South), increased Conservative majority.
No change."
_The Sanguine Radical._ Tell ye what 'tis, they're putting in all the
Conservative wins _first_. And them bigoted beggars at Bristol, they
dunno what they're votin' _for_, they don't. We shall pull up afore
long. There, what did I _tell_ you? Look a' _that_. "Durham. Liberal
majority, 1--Objection raised." Hooray! we're beginning ter buck up
_now_, ye see! (_Radical groups cheer in a spirit of thankfulness
for small mercies._) "Pontefract. Liberal majority, 57. No change."
(_Frantic Radical enthusiasm and cries of_ "Good ole Pontefrack!")
"Huddersfield. Radical gain." (_Roars of delight from Radicals._) 'Ave
a few more like _that_, and we shall do.... "Oldham. Conservative gain
o' two seats." (_Tremendous cheering from Conservatives._) Well, after
_that_, I'm prepared for anythink, I am!
_Elderly Radical Solon._ It's jes _this_ way, them Conservatives, they
ain't got no _prinserples_, o' course, but they do stick together, and
that's 'ow they git the advantage over _us_. But it jes serves the
Govment right fur not parsin' the Second Ballot. They _could_ ha' done
it, and they _orter_ ha' done it!
_His Companion_ (_disguising a slight vagueness as to the precise
nature of this measure_). I dessay, I dessay; but it's these 'ere
Labour Kendidates as are playin' the dooce with us. Lost us several
seats a'ready, they 'ave.
_The R. S._ My argument on that is this--the ole question o' the Labour
was concocted four year ago at Devonshire 'Ouse.
_His Companion_ (_guardedly_). It _might_ ha' bin, but I don't foller
yer, John.
_An Independent._ Anyway, you can't say as the Labour Candidate made
any difference _'ere_--he on'y polled twelve 'undred and fifty-one
votes, and the Unionist had neely five thousand!
_His Neighbour._ No difference? 'Ow d' yer make _that_ out? Why, the
Radical was on'y four'underd or so be'ind, and it stands to reason, as
if arf the Labour votes 'ad bin given to 'im, he'd 'a won easy!
_The Independent_ (_hastily_). Yes, yes; jesso, jesso; but that wasn't
my _point_. And KEIR 'ARDIE sez there'll be three 'underd
Labour Kendidates next elections. Ah, and they'll _find_ 'em, too!
_A Unionist._ I 'ope they may. More on 'em the merrier--for _our_ side!
_The Independent._ Any'ow, KEIR 'ARDIE'S safe for West 'Am.
Majority o' twelve 'underd and thirty-two last time. Take a _lot_ o'
pulling down, that will! (_Polling at West Ham (South) announced._
KEIR HARDIE _defeated by 775. Impartial joy of Tories and
Liberals._) What? Chucked? _'Im!_ The on'y man with the morril courage
to wear a deerstalker in the 'Ouse! They ain't fit to _'ave_ a vote!
[_Exit disgustedly._
[Illustration: "'E's a reg'lar tinker's cuss, as I 'appen to know!"]
_A Red-hot Radical._ Ah, what I ses is, it don't matter which you
fetch a man out of--whether it's Newgit, or whether it's a mad 'ouse,
'e's good enough to make a Tory of! Look at 'im as 'as got in agen for
West Puddlesford, 'e's a beauty--the 'ottest member in the 'Ouse, 'e
is--_that_ feller, why, 'e's a reg'lar tinker's cuss, as I 'appen to
know! (_Another result is exhibited. A Conservative Brewer gets in for
Worcester. No change._) Good ole Bung'ole! It's the beer as _does_ it!
_First Mechanic_ (_after a Radical majority at Devonport has been
announced_). Well, I can't understand a dockyard town voting for a
Radical; they get twice the amount o' work under a Tory government,
that's a matter of common knowledge.
_Second Mechanic._ What's the good o' that when others have got none at
all? I'm all for _ekalizing_ the work--let 'em have 'alf the work and
give others a chance.
_First Mech._ You wouldn't accept 'alf the work _you_'ve got, I'll lay.
You _would?_ Well, yer _missis_ wouldn't, then!
_Second Mech._ She'd 'ave to. And why should 'alf of us starve?
_First Mech._ Why should _all_ of us? But there's no use o' you and me
_argufying_ about it.
[_Which, of course, they continue to do notwithstanding; there is a
lull in the returns, and the photographs and caricatures are once more
in request_; Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S _being exhibited upside down
by way of variety_.
_A Radical._ What d' yer think o' JOE _now?_ 'E's met with a
reverse, eh!
_A Tory._ _That_'s all right, mate; it on'y means as 'e's a goin' to do
it on 'is 'ed!
_An elderly and excited Irishwoman._ Ah, bad luck to 'im, the
murtherin' scounthril! wants a _toitle_, dees he? Jist th' loike of all
thim Saxon opprissors, th' toirant. What does _he_ care hwhat becomes
o' th' poor Oirish, so long as he gets his billyfull?
[_She pours a stream of denunciation into the ears of the nearest
Radical._
_The Radical_ (_soothingly_). Good 'ole BRIDGET. But look
'ere, you needn't come and talk to _me_ about it. (_Indicating a Tory
neighbour._ You go an' tell '_im!_
[_Which_ BRIDGET _does, volubly; more portraits are
exhibited. One of_ Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY _being hailed with
cries of "Brayvo_, LABBY!" and _"Our Cartoonist" being
instantly recognised as the late_ Mr. PARNELL.
_Radical Spectators_ (_after results of polling at Deptford, Halifax,
Hartlepool, Bristol (North), (&c._). Oh dear, oh dear, oh _dear_. Well,
I'm sure! MACNAMARA, the man 'oo polled the 'ighest votes
in the School Board Election--and look at him _now!_ If SIDNEY
WEBB 'ud ha' contested that, 'e'd a' _won_ it!... There's
_another_ seat we've lost. Well, I was 'appier standing 'ere this time
three years ago, blow'd if I wasn't!... Oh lor, my brother-in-law 'll
go wild over this. My ole uncle 'll go arf orf his 'ed. (_&c., &c._)
_An Irrelevant Person._ Tork about Tories! Why, I'll lay anybody a
shillin' JEM SMITH, the fighting man, 's a Tory, and _all_ o'
them prize-fighters are--and that's 'ow it's _done!_
_First Lounger._ _'Oo_ ain't a workin' man? I lay I work as 'ard as
what _you_ do, come now!
_Second Lounger._ What _are_ yer then? A mat-seller?
_First Lounger_ (_indignantly_). Garn! A mat-seller? I'm a bloomin'
toe-walker, I am. Lean up agin the doors o' public-'ouses, I do, and
work _'ard_ at it!
[_His claim is reluctantly admitted._
_The Sanguine Radical._ Twelve Unionist gains to three Radical! Well,
there's no denying things ain't gone quite as well as I expected. But
there, there's no telling; by this time to-morrow we shall all know
more than what we do now. I shall turn in to LOCKHART'S and
'ave a large cocoa after this. I _want_ it, I can tell yer!
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