"Took 'em up sudden, he did; and now that interested! You'd never think
that pigs 'ld twine themselves round a man's heart, so to speak, would
you?"
"No."
"That's how it is with Willum. Reads nothing but about pigs; they'm his
only joy. In partnership with Uncle Eli over them. First time Uncle Eli
took to anything wholesome in his life. When Willum loses a pig he's that
low that he puts on a black tie. Wonnerful!"
It was. I knew Willum, otherwise Uncle Billy, and something about his
tastes. I had the pleasure of meeting him on the foreshore that afternoon.
No doubt he was studying pigs; but the title of the book he had in his hand
was _Form at a Glance_.
"Pig form, I presume," said I politely.
"Now then, Missie, don't go giving me away. All's lovely at home. Me and
Uncle Eli has clubbed together to buy Bodger's racing tips. Bodger's got
brain. Doing very well, we are. Sure, I can't tell the missus, and she a
Plymouth Rock."
"Isn't it Plymouth Sister?"
"Maybe; but I think there's a rock in it somewhere. Anyway we agreed when
we married to keep our purses in the same drawer, and mine's bulging."
"You are a brave man, Uncle Billy. What about the day she will want to see
your pigs?"
"A thought that wakes me at night. We keep 'em out in the country, I'd have
you know. There, why take a fence before you come to it? There'll be wisdom
given."
Apparently there was, but the address from which the wisdom came was
indistinct.
"Willum," said Mrs. Pugsley one day, "to-morrow I'm coming to see they pigs
of yours; bless their fat sides!"
"You shall, my tender dear," said Uncle Billy. "Yes, to-morrow noon you'll
see the blessed things."
Almost at dawn he presented himself at Farmer Dodge's and astonished that
good man by asking to be allowed to hire a few pigs for the day.
Farmer Dodge scratched his head.
"Well, I've been asked to loan out most things in my time, but never pigs
before. Where be taking them?"
"Home."
"That's a matter of better than two miles. Have 'ee thought of the wear and
tear and the loss of good lard? No, Uncle Billy, I won't fly against the
will of Heaven. If pigs had been meant to go for walks they'd have had legs
according. Their legs hain't for walking; they'm for hams."
Uncle Billy drew near and explained. Farmer Dodge grinned.
"To do down your missus? Well, I like a jest as well as any, and to put
females in their place is meat and taties to me; but 'tis a luxury, and
luxury is what you like but can do without."
In the end Uncle Billy drove a bargain by which he secured the use of six
pigs for a few hours and paid three shillings per pig. For three-and-six he
also hired the help of a boy to drive them; as he remarked, he could have
had more than another pig for that money, but it would be warm work for him
alone.
The inhabitants of the houses on the terrace of the little sea-side town
where the Pugsleys lived were thrilled at noon by the arrival of a small
herd of swine. The animals looked rather tired but settled down contentedly
in the front-garden of No. 3.
Mrs. Pugsley, hearing their voices, came to the door.
"Why, Willum, I was just making ready to come out with you to go and see
them."
"My tender dear," he said with emotion, "would I let you be taken miles in
this heat to see the finest pigs ever littered? No. 'Tis not for my wife to
go to see pigs, 'tis for pigs to come to see my wife. Here they be. That's
Spion Kop, the big black one--called because 'tis the highest mountain in
America and he's to make the highest price. The pink one is Square Measure,
for he'll eat his own size in meal any day. That's Diadem--no, it's not;
Diadem lost--I should say Diadem's lost to us." Uncle Billy lifted his hat
reverently. "The ginger one is Comrade--a fine name."
"Why, 'tis a little sow."
"And what better comrade than a blessed female, my loving dear, and who'd
know that better than me?"
"Don't you go mixing me up with the pigs, Willum; I won't have it. What's
the name of that perky black one?"
"Mount Royal," said Uncle Billy. "I'm a KING'S man and like to respect they
set over me. Royal just means one of the KING'S family."
The parade was dismissed; the herd returned to its home and Uncle Billy
paid the cost of wear and tear.
He sat smoking that evening in a state of blissful content. All had gone
well; the dreaded black moment was over. Mrs. Pugsley knitted furiously in
silence.
"Now what might you be turning over in that mind of yours?" asked Uncle
Billy.
"Pigs."
"Couldn't do better."
"And their names. Maybe you won't christen any more until after the
Cesarewitch."
She folded up her knitting and went to bed, leaving Uncle Billy as if
turned to stone. When he recovered he sought out Uncle Eli and said:--
"Eli, she's known all along. She knowed when I was driving they brasted
pigs here in the heat. She's never been took in at all. And that's a woman.
That's what married me."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Bridegroom_ (_twenty minutes late, excitedly, to Verger_).
"DON'T TELL ME THE THING'S OVER."]
* * * * *
"It would be wrong to enter upon political questions in these pages,
but there can be no harm in suggesting that prayer should be made as
much for our rulers at Westminster as for people in Ireland. The
Collect, with certain alterations, for Those at Sea would seem
especially suitable."--_Exeter Diocesan Gazette._
Very neatly and clerically put.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Smith_ (_member of bowling club_). "DO YOU KNOW THESE BALLS
COST FIVE GUINEAS EACH?"
_Jones_ (_golfer_). "BY JOVE! I HOPE YOU DON'T LOSE MANY IN THE 'ROUGH.'"]
* * * * *