I do not pretend to remember all the conversations verbatim which I
have heard during my life, or in which I have taken a part; still,
there are many which I do remember word by word, and every word. My
conversation that morning with Millicent I do not remember,--its
results blotted it out forever; still, I am conscious it was an
exposition of energy and enthusiasm, for hers kindled as she replied
to my ardent inquiries, and, unknowingly, she inflamed my own. She
gave me a tale of the orchestra, its fulness and its potency; of the
five hundred voices, of the conductor, and of the assembly; she
assured me that nothing could be at all like it, that we had no idea
of its resources or its effects.
She was melancholy, evidently, at first, but quite lost in her
picturesque and passionate delineation, I all the while wondering how
she could endure to exist and not be going. I felt in myself that it
was not only a sorrow, but a shame, to live in the very place and not
press into the courts of music. I adored music even then,--ay! not
less than now, when I write with the strong heart and brain of
manhood. I thought how easily Millicent might do without a new hat, a
new cloak, or live on bread and water for a year. But I was man enough
even then, I am thankful to say, to recall almost on the instant that
Millicent was a woman, a very delicate girl, too, and that it would
never do for her to be crushed among hundreds of moving men and
women, nor for Fred to undertake the charge of more than one--he had
bought a ticket for his wife. Then I returned to myself.
From the first instant the slightest idea of the festival had been
presented to me, I had seized upon it personally with the most perfect
confidence. I had even determined how to go,--for go I felt I must;
and I knew if I could manage to procure a ticket, Fred would take me
in his hand, and my mother would allow me to be disposed of in the
shadow of his coat-tails, he was always so careful of us all. As I
walked homewards I fell silent, and with myself discussed my
arrangements; they were charming. The town-hall was not distant from
our house more than a quarter of a mile. I was often permitted to run
little errands for my sisters: to match a silk or to post a letter. My
pecuniary plan was unique: I was allowed twopence a week, to spend as
I would, though Clo protested I should keep an account-book as soon as
I had lived a dozen years. From my hatred of copper money I used to
change it into silver as fast as possible, and at present I had five
sixpences, and should have another by the end of another week. I was
to take this treasure to the ticket office, and request whatever
gentleman presided to let me have a ticket for my present deposit, and
trust--I felt a certain assurance that no one would refuse me, I know
not why, who had to do with the management of musical affairs. I was
to leave my sixpences with my name and address, and to call with
future allowances until I had refunded all. It struck me that not many
months must pass before this desirable end might accomplish itself.
I have often marvelled why I was not alarmed, nervous as I was, to
venture alone into such a place, with such a purpose; but I imagine I
was just too ignorant, too infantine in my notions of business. At all
events, I was more eager than anxious for the morrow, and only
restless from excited hope. I never manoeuvred before, I have often
manoeuvred since, but never quite so innocently, as I did to be sent
on an errand the next morning. It was very difficult, no one _would_
want anything, and at last in despair I dexterously carried away a
skein, or half a skein, of brown sewing silk, with which Lydia was
hemming two elegant gauze veils for herself and for Millicent. The
veils were to be worn that day I knew, for my mother had set her heart
upon their excluding a "thought" of east in the autumnal wind, and
there was no other silk; I managed to twist it into my shoe, and Lydia
looked everywhere for it, even into the pages of Clo's book,--greatly
to her discomfiture. But in vain, and at last said Lydia, "Here,
Charles, you must buy me another," handing me a penny. Poor Lydia! she
did not know how long it would be before I brought the silk; but
imagining I should be back _not_ directly, I had the decency to
transfer my pilfered skein to the under surface of the rug, for I knew
that they would turn it up as usual in a search. And then, without
having been observed to stoop, I fetched my beaver broad brimmer and
scampered out.
I scampered the whole way to the hall. It was a chilly day, but the
sun had acquired some power, and it was all summer in my veins. I
believe I had never been in such a state of ecstasy. I was quite
lightheaded, and madly expected to possess myself of a ticket
immediately, and dance home in triumph. The hall! how well I remember
it, looking very still, very cold, very blank; the windows all
shuttered, the doors all closed. But never mind; the walls were
glorious! They glittered with yellow placards, the black letters
about a yard long announcing the day, the hour, the force,--the
six-foot long list of wonders and worthies. I was something
disappointed not to find the ticket-office a Spanish castle suddenly
sprung from the stonework of the hall itself, but it was some comfort
that it was in St. Giles' Street, which was not far.
I scampered off again,--I tumbled down, having lost my breath, but I
sprang again to my feet; I saw a perfect encampment of placards, and I
rushed towards it. How like it was to a modern railway terminus, that
ticket-office!--in more senses than one, too. The door was not closed
here, but wide open to the street: within were green-baize doors
besides, but the outer entrance was crowded, and those were shut,--not
for a minute together, though, for I could not complain of quiet here.
Constantly some one hurrying past nearly upset me, bustling out or
pushing in. They were all men, it is true; but was I a girl? Besides,
I had seen a boy or two who had surveyed me impertinently, and whom I
took leave to stare down. A little while I stood in the entry,
bewildered, to collect my thoughts,--not my courage,--and then,
endeavoring to be all calmness and self-possession, I staggered in. I
then saw two enclosed niches, counter-like: the one had a huge
opening, and was crammed with people on this side; the other was
smaller, an air of eclecticism pervaded it; and behind each stood a
man. There was a staircase in front, and painted on the wall to its
left I read: "Committee-room upstairs; Balloted places,"--but then I
returned to my counters, and discovered, by reading also, that I must
present myself at the larger for unreserved central seats. It was
occupied so densely in front just now that it was hopeless to dream of
an approach or appeal; I could never scale that human wall. I
retreated again to the neighborhood of the smaller compartment, and
was fascinated to watch the swarming faces. Now a stream poured down
the staircase, all gentlemen, and most of them passed out, nodding and
laughing among themselves. Not all passed out. One or two strolled to
the inner doors and peeped through their glass halves, while others
gossiped in the entry. But one man came, and as I watched him, planted
himself against the counter I leaned upon,--the mart of the reserved
tickets. He did not buy any though, and I wondered why he did not, he
looked so easy, so at home there. Not that I saw his face, which was
turned from me; it struck me he was examining a clock there was up on
the staircase wall. I only noticed his boots, how bright they were,
and his speckled trousers, and that his hand, which hung down, was
very nicely covered with a doeskin glove.
Before he had made out the time, a number of the stones in the human
partition gave way at once,--in other words, I saw several chinks
between the loungers at the larger counter. I closer clasped my
sixpences, neatly folded in paper, and sped across the office. Now was
my hour. I was not quite so tall as to be able to look over and see
whom I addressed; nevertheless, I still spoke up.
I said, "If you please, sir, I wish to speak to you very particularly
about a ticket."
"Certainly," was the reply instantly thrown down upon me. "One guinea,
if you please."
"Sir, I wish to _speak_ about one, not to buy it just this minute; and
if you allow me to speak,"--I could not continue with the chance of
being heard, for two more stones had just thrust themselves in and hid
my chink; they nearly stifled me as it was, but I managed to escape,
and stood out clear behind. I stood out not to go, but to wait,
determined to apply again far more vigorously.
I listened to the rattling sovereigns as they dropped; and dearly I
longed for some of that money, though I never longed for money before
or since. Then suddenly reminded, I turned, to see whether that
noticeable personage had left the smaller counter. He was there. I
insensibly moved nearer to him,--so attractive was his presence. And
as I believe in various occult agencies and physical influences, I
hold myself to have been actually drawn towards him. He had a face
upon which it was life to look, so vivid was the intelligence it
radiated, so interesting was it in expression, and if not perfect, so
pure in outline. He was gazing at me too, and this, no doubt, called
out of me a glance all imploring, as so I felt, yea, even towards him,
for a spark of kindliest beam seemed to dart from under his strong
dark lashes, and his eyes woke up,--he even smiled just at the corners
of his small, but not thin lips. It was too much for me. I ran across,
and again took my stand beside him. I thought, and I still think, he
would have spoken to me instantly; but another man stepped up and
spoke to him. He replied in a voice I have always especially
affected,--calm, and very clear, but below tone in uttering remarks
not intended for the public. I did not hear a word. As soon as he
finished speaking, he turned and looked down upon me; and then he
said, "Can I do anything for you?"
I was so charmed with his frank address, I quite gasped for joy: "Sir,
I am waiting to speak to the man inside over there about my ticket."
"Shall I go across and get it?"
"Why, no, sir. I must speak to him--or if you would tell me about it."
"I will tell you anything; say on."
"Sir, I am very poor, and have not a guinea, but I shall have enough
in time, if you will let me buy one with the money I have brought, and
pay the rest by degrees."
I shall never forget the way he laid his hand on my shoulder and
turned me to the light,--to scrutinize my developments, I suspect; for
he stayed a moment or two before he answered, "I do think you look as
if you really wanted one, but I am afraid they will not understand
such an arrangement here."
"I _must_ go to the festival," I returned, looking into his eyes, "I
am so resolved to go; I will knock the door down if I cannot get a
ticket. Oh! I will sell my clothes, I will do anything. If you will
get me a ticket, sir, I will promise to pay you, and you can come and
ask my mother whether I ever break my word."
"I am sure you always keep it, or you would not love music so
earnestly; for you are very young to be so earnest," he responded,
still holding me by the arm, that thrilled beneath his kindly
pressure. "Will you go a little walk with me, and then I can better
understand you or what you want to do?"
"I won't go till I have got my ticket."
"You _cannot_ get a ticket, my poor boy; they are not so easily
disposed of. Why not ask your mother?"
"My sister as good as did; but my mother said it was too expensive."
"Did your mamma know how very much you wished it?"
"We do not say mamma, she does not like it; she likes 'liebe
Mutter.'"
"Ah! she is German. Perhaps she would allow you to go, if you told her
your great desire."
"No, sir; she told Lydia that it would put her out of pocket."
My new friend smiled at this.
"Now, just come outside; we are in the way of many people here, and I
have done my business since I saw that gentleman I was talking to when
you crept so near me."
"Did you know I wanted to come close to you, sir?"
"Oh, yes! and that you wanted to speak. I know the little violin
face."
These words transported me. "Oh! do you think I am like a violin? I
wish I were one going to the festival."
"Alas! in that sense you are not one, I fear."
I burst into tears; but I was very angry with myself, and noiselessly
put my whole face into my handkerchief as we moved to the door. Once
out in the street, the wind speedily dried these dews of my youth, and
I ventured to take my companion's hand. He glanced down at mine as it
passed itself into his, and I could see that he was examining it. I
had very pretty hands and nails,--they were my only handsome point; my
mother was very vain of them. I have found this out since I have grown
up.
"My dear little boy, I am going to do a very daring thing."
"What is that, sir?"
"I am going to run away with you; I am going to take you to my little
house, for I have thought of something I can only say to you in a
room. But if you will tell me your name, I will carry you safe home
afterwards, and explain everything to the 'liebe Mutter.'"
"Sir, I am so thankful to you that I cannot do enough to make you
believe it. I am Charles Auchester, and we live at No. 14 Herne
Street, at a red house with little windows and a great many steps up
to the door."
"I know the house, and have seen a beautiful Jewess at the window."
"Everybody says Millicent is like a Jewess. Sir, do you mind telling
me your name? I don't want to know it unless you like to tell it me."
"My name is not a very pretty one,--Lenhart Davy."[4]
"From David, I suppose?" I said, quickly. My friend looked at me very
keenly.
"You seem to think so at least."
"Yes, I thought you came from a Jew, like us,--partly, I mean.
Millicent says we ought to be very proud of it; and I think so too,
because it is so very ancient, and does not alter."
I perfectly well remember making this speech. Lenhart Davy laughed
quietly, but so heartily it was delightful to hear him.
"You are quite right about that. Come! will you trust me?"
"Oh! sir, I should like to go above all things, if it is not very
far,--I mean I must get back soon, or they will be frightened about
me."
"You _shall_ get back soon. I am afraid they are frightened now,--do
you think so? But my little house is on the way to yours, though you
would never find it out."
He paused, and we walked briskly forwards.
FOOTNOTE:
[4] Lenhart Davy is supposed by some to have been intended for
Ferdinand David, who was Mendelssohn's concert-meister at the
Gewandhaus in Leipsic and the teacher of Joachim and Wilhelmj. David
never was in England, however, and the resemblance is too remote to be
entertained.