_House of Commons, Monday, March 24._--Prince ARTHUR explained in speech
nearly two hours long the bearings of Irish Land Purchase Bill. In
course of his exposition the happy accident by which civilised man is
furnished with two coat-tails was strikingly illustrated. On the
Treasury Bench, behind Prince ARTHUR, sat, on either hand, OLD MORALITY
and JOKIM. Supposing the Prince had had only one coat-tail, differences
might have arisen between his two right hon. friends; sure at some
period of the prolonged speech to come into personal contact if both
pulling at same rope. But the liberal sartorial arrangements which
ARTHUR shared in common with less distinguished Members provided a
coat-tail apiece; so when idea or suggestion occurred to him, OLD
MORALITY tugged at the right-hand one, and when JOKIM had a happy
thought he hauled away on the left.
As both their minds were seething with ideas, ARTHUR had a lively time
of it, and complications of Bill grew in entanglement. Just as he was
assuming, for the sake of argument, that an advance of 30 millions had
been made under the Act for the Purchase of Land in Ireland, and that
seventeen years was about the average value under Lord ASHBOURNE'S Act,
there was a sudden tug of the right coat-tail; Prince leaned over in
that direction; OLD MORALITY whispered in his ear.
"Exactly!" said the Prince; "I was just going to show that the
instalment of 4 per cent. on the advance of 30 millions is £1,200,000 a
year. Very well; suppose that in one year, though the hypothesis is
utterly impossible, that not one single sixpence of annuity is paid. How
would that be?" (Here the left coat-tail was observed to be violently
agitated, and ARTHUR leaning over, JOKIM half-rising, eagerly explained
something.)
"Precisely. My right hon. friend reminds me, what indeed I was just
about to show, that there would be first the £200,000 reserve fund;
secondly, there would be the £200,000 annual probate grant; thirdly,
£40,000 of the new Exchequer contribution, and £75,000 of the quarter
per cent, local per-centage, and there would be besides that £1,118,000
of tenants' reserve. So that without touching the £5,000,000, which was
the landlords' fifth, and without touching a sixpence of the contingent
portion of the guarantee fund, you would have £1,633,000 to meet the
call of £1,200,000."
This prospect of boundless wealth, more especially the familiar way of
putting it, making it quite a personal matter for each Member that _he_
would have £1,633,000 to meet a call of £1,200,000, was designed to have
soothing effect on audience; would, indeed, have succeeded in that
direction but for the coat-tail accompaniment.
"JOKIM," said HARCOURT, "is too susceptible in his paternal feelings. We
know now who is the father of the progeny. Arranged that BALFOUR shall
bring it in for christening ceremony; shall dandle it in his arms, and
dilate on its excellences; but everyone can tell from the excited
manner, the eager interruption, the restless hovering round the cradle,
that JOKIM is the father."
_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill brought in.
_Tuesday._--WILFRID LAWSON sprang a mine to-night. House, as everyone
knows, engaged for nearly fortnight in discussing question whether it
should thank Judges for their services in connection with Parnell
Commission. A desperate struggle finally resulted in decision to pass
Vote of Thanks. LAWSON wants to know whether OLD MORALITY has conveyed
the thanks to the Judges; and if so, what had they said in reply?
Question put without notice. Rather startles OLD MORALITY. Fact is,
never occurred to him that anything had to be done in supplement of
passing Vote of Thanks. There it was; Judges might, in passing, call in
and take it home with them; or it might be forwarded, at owner's risk,
by Parcel-Post or Pickford's. Very awkward thing thus springing these
questions on a Minister. Couldn't even, right off, say where the Vote of
Thanks was. Gazed hopelessly at mass of papers on Clerk's table. Might
probably be there. Perhaps not. Vote passed some days ago; desk cleared
every morning. OLD MORALITY moved restlessly on bench; looked picture of
despair. Best thing to do, not to take notice of question; pretend not
to hear it; but House laughing and cheering; all eyes bent on him; no
escape. So, rising, holding on to table, putting on most diplomatic
manner, and speaking in solemn tones, OLD MORALITY said, "Mr. SPEAKER,
Sir, it is no part of my duty to the QUEEN and country to convey to
anybody a Resolution of this House."
[Illustration: "Where's the Vote of Thanks?"]
LAWSON up again. More cheering and laughter. Asked SPEAKER whether _he_
had conveyed Vote of Thanks to Judges? No; SPEAKER had had no
instructions on the matter.
Where is the Vote of Thanks? Who has it in his possession? Certainly not
the Judges; one of those things nobody had thought about; various
people's business to see to it; accordingly no one done it; no wonder
Brother DAY, sitting on Bench, has looked forth with stony stare, his
heart consumed with secret sorrow. Whilst everyone congratulating Judges
on rare honour done to them by both Houses of Parliament, the
distinction has proved illusory. World pictured each learned Judge with
copy of Vote of Thanks, framed and glazed, hung in best parlour; and
behold! they have never had it at all!
House laughed when truth dawned upon it. But it was a hollow laugh,
ill-concealing prevalent feeling of vexation and shame-facedness. Turned
with affectation of keen interest to question raised by MUNDELLA of
iniquities of Education Department in connection with School Supply of
York and Salisbury. But could not keep the thing up. Even rousing
eloquence of HART DYKE, on his defence, fell flat. Ever rose before
Members the vision of the three Judges, daily expecting receipt of
thanks which they read had been voted to them; too proud to complain of
neglect; HANNEN taking on a sterner aspect; SMITH affecting a perky
indifference; and over the solemn features of Brother DAY ever stealing
the deepening twilight of deferred hope. House gladly broke away from
scene and subject, getting itself Counted Out at a Quarter-past Nine.
_Thursday._--"Talk about DIZZY," said HARCOURT, perhaps not without some
tinge of envy, "if OLD MORALITY goes on in this style, DIZZY won't be in
it for persiflage."
House laughing so heartily, could hardly hear HARCOURT'S whisper. JOHN
MORLEY began it; Lunacy Laws Consolidation Bill with 342 Clauses and 5
Schedules gone through Committee like flash of lightning. Nothing been
seen like it since, the other night, I and seven other Members voted
Four Millions sterling in Committee on Navy Estimates. COURTNEY put
Clauses in batches of fifty. No one said him nay. Natural supposition
was, that House in agreeing to this critical stage of important Bill
knew all about it. Every line of its 342 Clauses must be familiar to
every man present; otherwise how could he lay his hand on his heart, and
say, "Aye," when COURTNEY asked him should he knock off another fifty
Clauses?
When it was over, JOHN MORLEY rose, and gravely expressed hope that OLD
MORALITY would inform his friends, accustomed to say that Opposition
persist in obstruction, how this piece of legislation had advanced by
leaps and bounds. This meant to be a nasty one for OLD MORALITY, prone
to go into the country in Autumn and protest how he is hampered in
performing duty to QUEEN and country by obstruction of Members opposite.
"Ha! ha!" chuckled the Liberals, "JOHN'S got him there. A hit, a
palpable hit!"
But no one yet fathomed the tranquil depths of OLD MORALITY. Rose from
other side of table and, with equal gravity, promised that he would tell
all his friends "how the Opposition had given greatest possible facility
for passing the Lunacy Bill." This joke one of kind whose exquisite
flavour evaporates on paper. But House enjoyed it immensely, none more
than OLD MORALITY. For an hour after, as he sat on Treasury Bench, his
face from time to time suddenly suffused with genial smile, and his
portly body gently shook with laughter.
"Ah!" said J. G. TALBOT, mournfully regarding him through his
spectacles; "he's thinking of the Old 'un," meaning the late joke.
Tithes Bill on for Second Reading. PICTON rallied scattered forces of
Opposition, and led them to attack. Slashing speech; soaring eloquence;
trenormous energy.
"Reminds me," said Admiral FIELD, "of his grandfather, General PICTON,
who fell at Waterloo. Remember him very well; was in charge of Brigade
of Marines there, you know; attached to PICTON'S Division. Never look on
Member for Leicester without thinking of my old comrade in arms;" and
the sturdy salt brushed away the reluctant tear.
PICTON reminded HICKS-BEACH of someone else--"his great predecessor in
spoliation, HENRY THE EIGHTH."
"Yes, but better looking," said PLUNKET, always ready to put in a kind
word.
_Business done._--Tithes Bill Debate.
[Illustration: Tearing up the Tithes.]
_Friday Night._--Tithes Debate, which has had general effect of
depressing the human mind, acted upon CRANBORNE like electric shock.
Astonished and interested House to-night by vigorous speech delivered in
favour of Bill. With clenched hands and set teeth declared that he
"meant to fight for Established Church till death." He put it to the
piratical PICTON and other marauders, whether, seeing that in such case
the conflict must necessarily be prolonged, they would not do well to
seize this opportunity of settling Tithe question?
_Business done._--Second Reading Tithes Bill agreed to by 289 Votes
against 164.
* * * * *
"A (NOT) AT HOME."--Last week a paragraph appeared in an illustrated
paper contradicting the report (published in an earlier issue) that a
certain titled Lady had been present at somebody's party. This novel
departure should be useful as a precedent to the _crême de la crême_ of
suburban society. In future, such announcements as the following may be
expected to be frequently found in the "Fashionable Intelligence"
columns of the more aspiring of our Penny Socials:--"On Thursday last
Mr. and Mrs. MADEIRA TOP-FLOOR SMITHIES entertained a small and select
party at their new residence, The Hollies, 24A, Zanzibar Terrace,
Peckham Rye, East. Amongst those present we did not notice H.S.H. the
Prince of TECK, the Duke of WESTMINSTER, Lady BURDETT-COUTTS, and the
LORD CHANCELLOR. In the general circle, Lord CROSS, the Countess of
CLARENDON, and the Bishop of LONDON, were also conspicuous by their
absence. It was rumoured that neither the Duke of CAMBRIDGE nor Mr.
GLADSTONE were expected to join the company before the close of the
entertainment."
* * * * *
DINNER SCARCELY À LA ROOSE.--Dear _Mr. Punch_,--I am a poor man, but I
like a nice dinner. Now I have discovered how to enjoy a good meal, and
yet keep the cost of living within reasonable limits. Here is my method.
I order and eat, a lobster, two pounds of pork chops, a large-sized pot
of _pâté de foies gras_, a dressed crab, and three plates of toasted
cheese. Having finished this dainty little dinner, I find that I can
eat nothing more for at least a week! That the pleasing fare does not
make me ill, is proved by my friends declaring that I look like a
picture of health. They do not say whether the picture is a good or bad
one--but that is a matter of detail.
Yours sincerely,