was invited to attend a party in the saloon. He was such a little chap
that the ladies had no idea that he was a midshipman at all, but took
him for somebody’s “dear little boy” in a Royal Navy all-wool serge.
At last one of them, on whose lap he had been sitting, and who had just
kissed him, asked:
“And how old are you, little dear?”
“Twenty-two,” he said, in a voice like a foghorn. Then the lady swooned.
THEN SHE HAD THEM PRESSED
A seasoned sergeant major recently was horrified to see a pair of
shamelessly baggy trousers appear at the top of the window in the
orderly room at a London depot. He shouted out what he thought, as
they descended the ladder, and the face of a woman window cleaner only
completed his discomfiture.
UNUSUAL OFFICER
An Australian soldier had overstayed his leave. He knew his Commanding
Officer was fed up with hard-luck excuses, so wired:
“Not sick, nobody dead, got plenty of money, having a good time. Please
wire two days’ extension.”
He got three.
NOT SERIOUSLY DAMAGED
Lieut. John Philip Sousa, while organizing military bands for the navy,
was talking to a correspondent about the submarine danger.
“A friend of mine, a cornet virtuoso,” he said, “was submarined in the
Mediterranean. The English paper that reported the affair worded it
thus:
“‘The famous cornetist, Mr. Hornblower, though submarined by the
Germans in the Mediterranean, was able to appear at Marseilles the
following evening in four pieces.’”
ORDERS, BUT NO SALES
“And what were you in civilian life?” asked the captain.
“I was a traveling salesman, sir,” replied the recruit.
“That’s all right, then. You’ll get plenty of orders around here.”
THOSE FOOL QUESTIONS
“Have you been to France?”
“Yes. Came back last week.”
“Now, I wonder if you saw anything of that young nephew of mine out
there—Smith is his name?”
PROUD OF THEIR SOLDIERS
“Our Joe’s joined the army,” announced Mary Brown, proudly, “an’ ’e’s
gettin’ on fine wiv ’is drill. In fac’, when ’is regiment passed ’ere
the other day hevery one wot was in it was out of step ’cep’ ’im.”
“O, that’s nuffin,” retorted Tommy Johnson.
“When our ’Arry went to the front the captain ’e shouted: ‘Is Private
’Arry Johnson in the ranks?’ ‘Yes,’ sez somebody. ’Then let the war
begin,’ sez he.”
NOT FLATTERING HIM ANY
First Soldier (looking at portraits of himself)—Which do you think is
the best, Mike?
Second Soldier—Well, personally I think the one of you in the gas mask
is the best.
ONLY KIND HE KNEW
“I’ve just had some good news,” said Bearnstean, upon meeting his
friend Mr. Abrahams. “My son Solly has got a commission in the Army.”
“Go on,” replied Abrahams, rubbing his hands; “how much?”
NOT HIS KIND OF JEWELRY
Tommy: “Look ’ere, Jack, now you’re for Blighty, why don’t you make up
to Kitty? Go in and win, mate! Upon my life she’s a regular pearl!”
Jack: “That may be, but I can’t stand the mother of pearl.”
MORE DANGEROUS, ALSO
Corp—Can you think of anything more unmilitary than putting your hands
in your pockets?
Sarg—Sure! Putting your hands in somebody else’s pockets.
SAME IN ALL LANGUAGES
Jack Tar: “How do you manage to get on so well with the French girls
when you can’t speak their lingo?”
Soldier: “I’m surprised you’re so slow. Can’t you kiss a girl without a
dictionary?”
SHE KNEW JIM
A soldier at the front got short of money, so he sent home the
following letter:
“Dear Mary—We lost a trench this morning, and we must replace it at any
cost, so will you please send me $25 at once.”
Sad to say he had a wily wife, who sent the following reply:
“Dear Jim—Sorry, I have not $25 toward replacing the lost trench, but I
enclose two candles to help you look for it.”
THEN HE GOT THIRTY DAYS K. P.
The colonel had ridden his horse to town in the afternoon, and it was
dark when he returned to camp. Some distance outside the guard line he
was challenged by a voice from the darkness:
“Halt! Who goes there?”
“Colonel,” he answered.
“Dismount, colonel. Advance and be recognized.”
He was certain that there was some mistake, for no guard was supposed
to be posted there. But a sentry’s orders are not to be disobeyed, so
he grumblingly dismounted and led his horse forward, inwardly vowing
vengeance against the sergeant of the guard who had caused him all this
trouble.
As he approached the sentry he burst out wrathfully:
“Who in thunder posted you here?”
“No one, sir. I’m just practicing.”
PLEASED IS NO NAME FOR IT
Doris: “Was your C. O. pleased, Algy, when you told him my idea for
beating the Germans on the Western Front?”
Algy: “Pleased! I should jolly well think he was. Why, he laughed for
hours!”
GENUINE CHICKEN DINNER
Two rookies were indulging in the soldier’s privilege—growling about
his station and how the soldier gets stung for everything.
“I ordered a chicken dinner at a cafe downtown and they charged me a
dollar and six bits,” Bone was saying.
A newsie overheard him. “Say, mister,” he said, “I know where you can
get a chicken dinner for two bits. A good big one, too.”
The soldiers looked skeptical, but the newsie insisted that he was
telling the truth. Finally the soldier who had been stung asked him
where this place was located. The newsie mentioned an address on one
of the side streets of San Antonio.
A few days later the two soldiers went to the city and determined to
visit the cheap restaurant. They found the address. It was a feed store.
ON THE ORIGINAL FIRING LINE
Moses and Aaron were partners in business when Aaron was called up and
had to go to camp. About a month after Aaron had departed he received a
telegram from Moses. The telegram read:
“Business burned out. Got $10,000 insurance. What shall I do?”
Aaron immediately wired back:
“Start another business.”
One month later Aaron received another telegram from Moses:
“Business burned out again. Got $13,000 insurance. What shall I do?”
Aaron immediately wired back:
“Keep the home fires burning.”
PLAY THE GAME
The German artillery were doing their best to erase a small town from
the map. Every few minutes there would be a deafening crash and the
remains of a house would soar skyward enveloped in a cloud of smoke.
In a field on the outskirts of the town some Canadian soldiers,
relieved from the trenches for a few days, were indulging in their
favorite game of baseball. The pitcher had just pitched the ball and
the batsman had hit an easy catch to one of the fielders when a huge
shell landed in the adjoining field. The fielder’s attention was fixed
on the shell, which burst with a deafening crash, and he missed the
catch.
“For the love of Mike,” roared the pitcher, who was a typical
Irish-Canadian, “if you are going to play baseball, play baseball, and
quit watching the shells.”
SHE WAS USED TO IT
Mrs. Flatbush—So your husband is “somewhere in France”?
Mrs. Bensonhurst—So I believe.
Mrs. Flatbush—But don’t you know where?
Mrs. Bensonhurst—No.
Mrs. Flatbush—Don’t you feel somewhat concerned?
Mrs. Bensonhurst—Why, no. When he was here I knew he was somewhere in
America, but half of the time I didn’t know where.
SPIRIT OF FRANCE
A tired and dusty doughboy drew up in front of a shell-battered house
in Château-Thierry and asked a French woman if he could get a drink of
water.
“Oui, mon garcon,” said the woman. “You come right along with me.”
After the soldier had obtained his drink and was about to depart, he
remarked that her house had suffered more or less from the guns.
“Yes,” was the reply. “I used it as a dressing station for the
Americans who were wounded here, and the Boche seemed to know about it.
But it’s all right. We will build it up again and everything will be
the same.”
She explained in detail just how she would rearrange the architecture,
how the windows would be built larger.
“We will have to carry a lot of rock,” she smiled. “You see, those are
all shot to pieces. But it’s not far to the river.”
Then she turned and resumed her task of clearing away the debris that
had once been the east wall of her house.
RECOGNIZED THE RESEMBLANCE
Pat was serving in the Army, and his two companions happened to be an
Englishman and a Scotsman. These two gave their Irish friend a lively
time with their jokes and teasing.
One day Pat was called away, and left his coat hanging on a nail. The
Englishman and Scotsman, seeing some white paint near, seized the
opportunity of painting a donkey’s head on the back of Pat’s coat.
The latter soon returned, and looking first at his coat, and then
fixing his eye on his chums, said slowly: “Begorra! and which of you
two has wiped your face on my coat?”
PROOF POSITIVE
“Come, corporal,” said the colonel, “say definitely what you mean. Was
the prisoner drunk, or wasn’t he?”
“’E wasn’t himself, sir; he was under the influence of drink. When I
saw him he’d been washing his face in a puddle an’ he was trying to
wipe it on a wire doormat, cursin’ the holes in the ‘towel.’”
CAN SHOW WHAT HE’S GOOD FOR
The sergeant-major had trouble in finding an accountant for his
captain, but at last brought in a private for trial.
“Are you a clerk?” demanded the captain.
“No, sir,” replied the man.
“Do you know anything about figures?” asked the captain.
“I can do a bit,” replied the man, modestly.
“Is this the best man you can find?” asked the officer.
“Yes, sir.”
“Well,” growled the captain, “I suppose I’ll have to put up with him!”
Turning to the private, he snapped, “What were you in civilian life?”
“Professor of mathematics at the State College, sir,” was the
unexpected reply.
GLAD HE TALKED TO GEN. PERSHING
He was in khaki, but it’s better not to say what branch of the service
he is in, and it certainly would be cruel to hint at his company. There
are probably gold bars in it, and the guardhouse is not the place for a
returned soldier. Here’s the story he tells. He says it’s true:
“Sometimes overseas,” he said, “it seems as if every other man you met
was a second lieutenant.
“One day last spring Gen. Pershing and his staff found themselves out
in the open with a chance for a bit of rest, the first in days, but
nary a place to take it in.
“Well, ‘Black Jack’ thought what was good enough for his men wasn’t so
worse for him. He just quietly rolled himself up in his cape and lay
down under a hedge where the mud wasn’t more than a foot deep, and the
staff took the next hedge and did likewise.
“Pretty soon along comes a regiment and stops for a minute. Some of the
men drop out for a snooze, and one of them comes along to the hedge
which was ‘Black Jack’s’ private ‘boodoir’ and lies down beside him.
Pretty soon he begins to talk to the chief friendly like, and Pershing
talks to him and it was mighty dark.
“Pretty soon the regiment’s ordered to fall in and the Johnny leaves
‘Black Jack’ casual like and starts to rejoin. But on his way he meets
an orderly and he asks him, ‘Who’s that decent guy under the hedge?’
“‘My gracious,’ or words to that effect, as they say at the
court-martials, remarks the orderly, ‘Don’t you know that’s General
Pershing?’
“Well, that soldier does some tall thinking for a minute and then he
goes back to the hedge and stands at salute and begs Pershing’s pardon
most pretty. The General looks up at him and our friend swears he was
grinning a little and he says slow and thoughtful like:
“‘Never mind. That was an interesting talk and I understand. It’s all
right with me, but,’ and the eyes of him looked as sober as if he was
talking tactics with Foch, ‘Don’t try it with any of those new second
lieutenants.’
“And,” concluded the man in khaki, “the guy went away just a-shuddering
with thinking what would have happened if it had been a second
lieutenant instead of just a General.”
BEFORE ONE CAN TURN AROUND
Willis—How do you like army life? Quite a number of new turns for a
fellow to get used to, I suppose.
Gillis—You bet. At night you turn in, and just as you are about to turn
over somebody turns up and says, “Turn out.”
ONE ON THE COLONEL
The Colonel beckoned to his orderly.
“Smith, I wish you’d ride into the town and get the correct time.”
“Why, sir,” Smith hesitated, “I haven’t got a watch.”
“A watch, a watch,” the Colonel roared. “What in the name of sense do
you want a watch for? Write it down on a piece of paper, man.”
A GRAND STAND PLAY
All sorts of stories come from across the water relative to
misunderstandings between Yanks and the ladies over there, and not the
least amusing is one told at the Washington Press Club by one of the
correspondents.
Seems the doughboy had taken an English girl to a baseball game, and,
after it was over, was eager to make sure that she had understood and
appreciated the great American game.
“Now, if there’s anything you didn’t understand tell me and I’ll
explain,” he pleaded in her fair ear.
“Well,” she answered, “really, don’t you know, I didn’t understand a
bit of it, and some of it sounded awfully silly.”
“What was so awfully silly?” demanded the doughboy. “Tell me and I’ll
explain.”
“Well,” replied the girl, dubiously, “why do they call the seats the
stands?”
And, at last reports, the soldier was still trying to tell her.
THE NEGRO IN AUTHORITY
Camp Devens, Mass.—These colored noncommissioned officers are efficient
or nothing.
A newly-made corporal, recently from Dixie, was superintending the
breaking up of some old cases down in the 13th Battalion today. A
dark recruit was wielding an ax with vigor and with fair success. The
corporal apparently couldn’t find any specific thing the matter with
his work, but he stopped him just the same. “Boy,” said the dignified
corporal, “boy, does you know how to do dis yere work?”
“Co’se ah does,” replied the recruit rather indignantly.
The corporal eyed him dangerously. “Sojer,” he said, darkly, “did
ah evah show you how dis should be done? Have yo’ evah received any
constructions fum me?”
“No,” admitted the rookie reluctantly, “yo’ nevah tol’ me nuthin’.”
“Den, man, yo’ don’ know nuthin’,” exploded the corporal, and the
private meekly dropped his ax.
DON’T YOU DO IT, TOMMY
Old Lady (to severely wounded soldier): “Poor man, have you lost your
leg?”
Tommy: “Yes, mum.”
Old Lady: “Oh, poor fellow! Do have an apple!”
Tommy (to his chum, when the old lady had departed): “Bill, I think
I’ll have my other leg off before she comes next week. I might get a
banana!”
NO PROHIBITION THERE
“That’s how we do things in the Army,” said Tommy, pointing to a
news heading which bore the word, “Five Hundred Germans Drowned in
Champagne.” “Got nothing to beat that in the Navy, I’ll bet.”
“Oh, haven’t we?” retorted his sailor friend. “My lad, that’s nothing
to get excited about—nothing at all. In that last little affair along
the Belgian coast we sank three German submarines in port!”
CHAFFING EACH OTHER
When Charles Schwab was inspecting the Seattle shipbuilding yards he
was accompanied by his friend, Dr. Eaton. Both are eloquent speakers,
the crowd always calling for more. It was horse and horse between the
two as to which could tell the most impossible story on the other.
One day while addressing a few thousand shipbuilders, Dr. Eaton scored
a base hit with this:
“Boys, I’ll tell you something in strict confidence. A few days ago
when in Tacoma, Charlie and I went aboard a new ship that was nearly
ready to go in service. As we walked along the clean, new deck,
Charlie noticed some large lids and wondered what was inside. So the
sailors came and lifted the hatch, and when he looked down into the
hold he said, ‘Why, the damn thing is hollow!’”
Then Charlie came to bat and told how on leaving Portland “Doc” rushed
to him in great excitement with the announcement that he had lost his
baggage.
“‘It’s too bad,’ I said. ‘How did it happen?’
“‘Why, the cork came out,’ moaned the Doctor.”
GETTING ON FAST
One day in a French village two soldiers were being served coffee by
an old French woman when one of them remarked, “Gee, Bill, this don’t
taste like coffee.”
“Ain’t,” answered his companion; “it’s chicory.”
The first soldier looked at him in admiration and said: “Here we only
struck this place yesterday and you’re learning the language already.”
NO WONDER HE REBELLED
The Officer (to recruit reported for insubordination, who has refused
to enter the swimming pool)—And what have you got to say for yourself?
Recruit—Please, sir, I’ve only been in the navy three days. The first
day the doctor drawed two o’ me teeth; the second day I was vaccinated,
and now a petty orficer, he says, “Come along! We’re goin’ ter drown
yer!”
THEY ALL GET ’EM
Bill is a soldier in France. Several months ago his sweetheart, Dolly,
sent him a box of fruit, nuts, etc. Two weeks later she sent a letter
and incidentally asked him if he got the goodies. She evidently didn’t
write distinctly or Bill didn’t read carefully. To her surprise she
received a letter from him saying: “Yes, every soldier gets the
cooties.” So much alike, yet so different.
REACHED HIS LIMIT
After coming in from a 20-mile “hike” the officer in command of a negro
company said, before dismissing them: “I want all the men who are too
tired to take another hike to take two paces forward.”
All stepped forward except one big, husky six-footer. Noticing him, the
officer said: “Well, Johnson, ready for twenty miles more?”
“No, sah,” replied Johnson. “Ah’m too tired to even take dem two steps.”
SEEKING INFORMATION
Sambo, a dusky warrior in the American army, had only recently landed,
and was comparing London with New York. He paused before a shop window
full of watches. His gaze became fixed on a very shiny watch on a
velvet cushion, on which was pinned a card bearing the words, “This
watch will go for eight days without winding.”
Sambo pondered, and then walked straight into the shop: “Say, boss,
will you tell how long dat darn watch will go if you do wind it up?”
BIRDS FAR SURPASSED
“Look at that fellow doing the ‘falling leaf,’ the ‘tail spin,’ and
other fancy tricks away up there in the air.”
“I see him.”
“I never thought I’d live to see a man as much at home in the air as a
bird.”
“Umph! No bird is in the same class with an expert aviator when it
comes to flying. Did you ever see a bird that could fly upside down?”
NO KICK COMING
Camp Devens, Mass.—Seven hundred and fifty medical replacement troops
have just left this camp for service overseas. Just before their
departure a sergeant from the Depot Brigade came to Lieut.-Col. C. C.
McCornack, Division Surgeon, and asked for a transfer to the detachment
then about to leave.
“Colonel,” he pleaded, “I’ve been in this doggone army more than a
year. In that time I’ve scarcely set foot outside this camp. If I don’t
get across now, I never will. I’ll be a hell of a soldier, won’t I?”
Col. McCornack leaned back in his chair and laughed.
“Sergeant,” he said, “you’ve got a fine chance of getting any sympathy
out of me on that score. I’ve been in the Army twenty years and haven’t
got across. What are you kicking about?”
A REAL SPREE
The Liberty Bond squad had some interesting experiences. “I am not
subscribing for this $50 Liberty Bond to please you,” explained a
woman, as doleful as she is wealthy. “I am doing it to please my own
self.”
“Make it $100,” said the young solicitor, “and give yourself one
roaring, rousing good time.”
MOVING PICTURE IN ONE REEL
The chaplain of a certain camp was challenged by a sentry with, “Halt!
Who goes there?”
The minister answered, “Chaplain.”
“Advance, Charlie,” ordered the sentry, “and be recognized.” For which
he was banished to the guardroom.
USEFUL AND ORNAMENTAL
The flappers were taken out to tea by two staff officers resplendent
in scarlet and khaki. Being “on the staff” caused the two young men
to be very popular with themselves, and to treat the flappers rather
patronizingly. The younger of the two girls was lost in admiration.
Looking up her escort adoringly, she cooed:
“O, what lovely boots! And spurs, too! Why do you wear spurs?”
“O,” chipped in the other girl, who objected to being regarded as an
infant, “the spurs are to keep the feet from slipping off their office
stools!”
THE MILITARY HAIR CUT
A grizzled chap in a captain’s uniform came into a barber shop. He
saluted smartly and seated himself in the chair.
“Hair cut,” he said in gruff tones.
“How would you like it cut, sir?” the barber asked.
The captain, who was baldish, answered, gruffer than ever:
“Line up the hairs and number off to the right. Odd numbers each want
a half inch off. Dress smartly with bay rum and brilliantine. Then
dismiss.”
BASEBALL IN BLIGHTY
An American officer recently expressed his surprise that English
people had so quickly appreciated the fascinations of baseball, and
particularly how very enthusiastic women were on the game.
“Why, at the Navy and Army match the other week,” he said, “I counted
quite twenty ‘fans’ among the women sitting around me.”
“Yes,” said a charming old lady, “and I wished I had taken mine, for
the heat was terribly trying.”
UNIVERSAL COMPLAINT
An American soldier was being shown over an old English church where
hundreds of people were buried.
“A great many people sleep between these walls,” said the guide,
indicating the inscription-covered floor.
“So?” said the doughboy. “Same way over in our country. Why don’t you
get a more interesting preacher?”
SAMPLE WAS SATISFACTORY
It was a hot day, and two sailors had just been released from a long
spell of duty on a mine sweeper. They made a bee-line for the first
public-house they saw, and one of them ordered two quarts of ale. The
men emptied their mugs in one draught whilst the barmaid looked on in
undisguised admiration.
The man who had paid stood for a second or two wetting his lips
meditatively, and then turned to his comrade with a grin.
“’Tain’t so bad, Bill, is it?” he remarked. “Shall we ’ave some?”
NO FUN WITHOUT FUNDS
A New York editor said on his return from an official visit to the
front:
“The soldier can still have a good time on his furlough, but the war
prices make a good time costly.
“A handsome young American officer was sending a wire one day in a
London postoffice where I was mailing a package. The girl telegraph
clerk, running over the officer’s message said:
“‘I can’t make out whether this reads ”No funds“ or ”No fun.“’
“‘Oh, well, what’s the difference?’ said the officer, gloomily lighting
a cigarette.”
THOUGHT HE HAD ARRIVED
One of our transports sailing from an Atlantic port, heading for France
with a load of negro troops, had engine trouble two days out. It was
decided that the ship put back to port, and it returned, but to a
different pier of that same port.
The dusky warriors were immediately unloaded and made ready to embark
on another ship. While standing in line, one of the braves stepped out
and walking up to an officer asked:
“Ah beg yo’ pardin, sah, but can you tell me whar the city of Paris
lies fum hyere?”
“COUNT ’EM NOW, MISTAH KAISER”
This story was brought back from the trenches by a Knights of Columbus
secretary:
A colored soldier, hearing the report of a 14-inch naval gun exclaimed:
“There! Mistah Kaiser! You all count your men now and see how many is
missing.”
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