SECTION VIII. OF DEFECTIVE VERBS.

Most men have five senses,

Most verbs have six tenses;

But as there are some folks Who are blind, deaf, or dumb folks,

Just so there are some verbs Defective, or rum verbs, which are used

only in some of their moods and tenses.

===> See Page Scan

CHAPTER VII. OF ADVERBS.

Having {064}as great a dislike as the youngest of our readers can have

to repetitions, we shall not say what an adverb is over again. It is,

nevertheless, right to observe, that some adverbs are compared: as, far,

farther, farthest; near, nearer, nearest. In comparing those which end

in ly, we use more and most: as, slowly, more slowly, most slowly.

There are a great many adverbs in the English Language: their number is

probably even greater than that of abusive epithets. They are divisible

into certain classes; the chief of which are Number, Order, Place,

Time, Quantity, Manner or Quality, Doubt, Affirmation, Negation,

Interrogation, and Comparison.

A nice little list, truly! and perhaps some of our readers may suppose

that we are going to exemplify it at length: if so, all we can say with

regard to their expectation is, that we wish they may get it gratified.

In the meantime, we will not turn our Grammar into a dictionary, to

please anybody. However, we have no objection to a brief illustration

of the uses and properties of adverbs, as contained in the following

passage:--

"Formerly, when first I began to preach and to teach, whithersoever

I went, the little boys followed me, and now and then pelted me with

brick-bats, as heretofore they pelted Ebenezer Grimes. And whensoever I

opened my mouth, straightways the ungodly began to crow. Oftentimes

was I hit in the mouth with an orange: yea, and once, moreover, with

a rotten egg: whereat {065}there was much laughter, which,

notwithstanding, I took in good part, and wiped my face and looked

pleasantly. For peradventure I said, they will listen to my sermon; yea,

and after that we may have a collection. So I was nowise discomfited;

wherefore I advise thee, Brother Habakkuk, to take no heed of thy

persecutors, seeing that I, whereas I was once little better off than

thyself, have now a chapel of mine own. And herein let thy mind be

comforted, that, preach as much as thou wilt against the Bishop,

thou wilt not, therefore, in these days, be in danger of the pillory.

Howbeit," &c.

Vide Life of the late pious and Rev. Samuel Simcox (letter to Habakkuk

Brown.)

CHAPTER VIII. OF PREPOSITIONS.

Prepositions are, for the most part, put before nouns and pronouns: as,

"out of the frying-pan into the fire."

The preposition of is sometimes used as a part of speech of peculiar

signification, and one to which no name has as yet been applied: as,

"What you been doing of?"

At and up are not rarely used as verbs, but we should scarcely have been

justified in so classing them by the authority of any polite writer;

such use of them being confined to the vulgar: as, "Now then, Bill, at

him again."

"So she upped with her fists, and fetched him a whop."

After is improperly pronounced arter, and against, agin: {066}as,

"Hallo! Jim, vot are you arter? don't you know that ere's agin the Law?"

CHAPTER IX. OF CONJUNCTIONS..

A Conjunction means literally, a union or meeting together.

[Illustration: 075]

An ill-assorted marriage is A COMICAL CONJUNCTION.

But {067}our conjunctions are used to connect words and sentences, and

have nothing to do with the joining of hands. They are chiefly of two

sorts, the Copulative and Disjunctive.

The Copulative Conjunction is employed for the connection or

continuation of a sentence: as, "Jack and Gill went up the Hill,"

"I will sing a song if Gubbins will."

"A thirsty man is like a Giant because he is a Grog for drink."

The Conjunction Disjunctive is used not only for purposes of connection,

but also to express opposition of meaning in different degrees: as, "We

pay less for our letters, but shall have to pay more for our coats: they

have lightened our postage, but they will increase our taxes.

Conjunctions are the hooks and eyes of Language, in which, as well as in

dress, it is very possible to make an awkward use of them: as, "For if

the year consist of 365 days 6 hours, and January have 31 days, then the

relation between the corpuscular theory of light and the new views of

Mr. Owen is at once subverted: for 'When Ignorance is bliss, 'tis

folly to be wise because 1760 yards make a mile; and it is universally

acknowledged that 'war is the madness of many for the gain of a few

therefore Sir Isaac Newton was right in supposing the diamond to be

combustible." The Siamese twins, it must be admitted, form a singular

conjunction.

A tin pot fastened to a dog's tail is a disagreeable conjunction to the

unfortunate animal.

A happy pair may be regarded as an uncommon conjunction.

The {068}word as, so often used in this and other Grammars, is a

conjunction: as, "Mrs. A. is as well as can be expected."

[Illustration: 077]

CHAPTER X. OF DERIVATION.

Those who know Latin, Greek, Saxon, and the other languages from which

our own is formed, do not require to {069}be instructed in philological

derivation; and on those who do not understand the said tongues, such

instruction would be thrown away. In what manner English words are

derived, one from another, the generality of persons know very well:

there are, however, a few words and phrases, which it is expedient to

trace to their respective sources; not only because such an exercise is

of itself delightful to the inquiring mind; but because we shall thereby

be furnished (as we hope to show) with a test by means of which, on

hearing an expression for the first time, we shall be able, in most

instances, to decide at once respecting its nature and quality.

These words, of which many have but recently come into vogue, which,

though by no means improper or immoral, are absolutely unutterable in

any polite assembly. It is not, at first, very easy to see what can be

the objection to their use; but derivation explains it for us in the

most satisfactory manner. The truth is, that the expressions in question

take their origin from various trades and occupations, in which they

have for the most part, a literal meaning; and we now perceive what

horrible suspicions respecting one's birth, habits, and education, their

figurative employment would be likely to excite. To make the matter

indisputably clear, we will explain our position by a few examples.

{070}

WORDS AND PHRASES. WHAT DERIVED FROM.

To be done, Cooks.

To be done brown, Ditto.

A sell, (a cheat,) Jews.

To lather (to beat,) Barbers.

To strap (ditto,) Cobblers.

To hide (ditto,) Curriers.

Spicy (showy,) Grocers.

To hang out (to dwell,) Publicans.

Swamped (ruined,) Watermen.

To put one's oar in (to

interfere,) Ditto.

Mahogany (for table,) Upholsterers.

Dodge (trick,) Pickpockets.

To bung up an eye, Brewers.

To chalk down, Publicans.

A close shaver (a miser,) Barbers.

To be off your feed, Ostlers.

Hold hard (stop,) Omnibus-men.

Numerous examples, similar to the foregoing, will, no doubt, present

themselves, in addition, to the mind of the enlightened student. We have

not, however, quite done yet with our remarks on this division of our

subject. The intrinsic vulgarity of all modes of speech which may

be traced to mean or disreputable persons, will, of course, not be

questioned. But--and as we have got hold of a nice bone, we may as well

get all the marrow we can out of it--the principle which is now under

consideration has a much wider range than is apparent at first sight.

Now we will suppose a red-hot lover addressing the goddess of his

idolatry--by the way, how strange it is, that these goddesses should be

always having their temples {071}on fire, that a Queen of Hearts should

ever be seated on a burning throne!--but to return to the lover: he

was to say something. Well, then, let A. B. be the lover. He expresses

himself thus:

"Mary, my earthly hopes are centred in you. You need not doubt me; my

heart is true as the dial to the sun. Words cannot express how much I

love you. Nor is my affection an ordinary feeling: it is a more exalted

and a more enduring sentiment than that which bears it name. I have

done. I am not eloquent: I can say no more, than that I deeply and

sincerely love you."

This, perhaps, will be regarded by connoisseurs as tolerably pathetic,

and for the kind of thing not very ridiculous. Now, let A. S. S. be the

lover: and let us have his version of the same story:--

"Mary, my capital in life is invested in you. You need not stick at

giving me credit; my heart is as safe as the bank. The sum total of my

love for you defies calculation. Nor is my attachment anything in the

common way. It is a superior and more durable article than that in

general wear. My stock of words is exhausted. I am no wholesale dealer

in that line. All I can say is, that I have a vast fund of unadulterated

affection for you."

In this effusion the Stock Exchange, the multiplication table, and the

dry goods and grocer's shops have been drawn upon for a clothing to the

suitor's ideas; and by an unhappy choice of words, the most delightful

and amiable feelings of our nature, without which life would be a desert

and man a bear, are invested with a ridiculous disguise.

We would willingly enlarge upon the topic which we have {072}thus

slightly handled, but that we feel that we should by so doing,

intrench too far on the boundaries of Rhetoric, to which science, more

particularly than to Grammar, the consideration of Metaphor belongs;

besides which, it is high time to have done with Etymology.

PART III. SYNTAX.

"Now then, reader, if you are quite ready, we are.--All right! * * * *"

The asterisks are intended to stand for a word used in speaking to

horses. Don't blush, young ladies; there's not a shadow of harm in it:

but as to spelling it, we are as unable to do so as the ostler's boy

was, who was thrashed for his ignorance by his father.

"Where are we now, coachman?"

"The third part of Grammar, Sir, wot treats of the agreement and

construction of words in a sentence."

"Does a coachman say _wot_ for _which_ because he has a licence?"

"Can't say, Ma'am?"

"Drive on, coachman."

And we must drive on, or boil on, or whatever it is the fashion to call

getting on in these times.

A {073}sentence is an aggregate of words forming a complete sense.

Sentences are of two kinds, simple and compound. A simple sentence has

in it but one subject and one finite verb; that is, a verb to which

number and person belong: as, "A joke is a joke."

A compound sentence consists of two or more simple sentences connected

together: as, "A joke is a joke, but a ducking is no joke. Corpulence is

the attribute of swine, mayors, and oxen."

Simple sentences may be divided (if we choose to take the trouble)

into the Explicative or explaining; the Interrogative, or asking; the

imperative, or commanding.

An explicative sentence is, in other words, a direct assertion: as,

"Sir, you are impertinent."--_Johnson_.

An interrogative sentence "merely asks a question:" as, "Are you a

policeman? How's your Inspector?" An imperative sentence is expressive

of command, exhortation, or entreaty; as, "Shoulder arms!"

"Turn out your toes!"

"Charge bayonets!"

A phrase is two or more words properly put together, making either a

sentence or part of a sentence: as, "Good morning!"

"Your most obedient!"

Some phrases consist of two or more words improperly put together: these

are improper phrases: as, "Now then, old stupid!"

"Stand out of the sunshine!" Other phrases consist of words put together

by ladies: as, "A duck of a man,"

"A love of a shawl,"

"so nice,"

"quite refreshing,"

"sweetly pretty."

"Did you ever?"

"No I never!"

[Illustration: 083]

Other phrases again consist of French and English words put together

by people of quality, because their knowledge {074}of both languages is

pretty nearly equal: as, "I am au désespoir,"

"mis hors de combat,"

"quite ennuyé," or rather in nine cases out of ten, "ennuyeé,"--"I have

a great envié" to do so and so. These constitute an important variety of

comic English.

If you want to know what subjects and objects are, you should go to the

Morgue at Paris. But in Grammar--

The subject is the thing chiefly spoken of; the attribute is that which

is affirmed or denied of it; and the object is the thing affected by

such action.

The {075}nominative denotes the subject, and usually goes before the

verb or attribute; and the word or phrase, denoting the object, follows

the verb; as, "The flirt torments her lover." Here, a flirt is the

subject; torments, the attribute or thing affirmed; and her lover, the

object.

[Illustration: 084]

It strikes us, though, that we are somewhat digressing from our subject,

namely Syntax, which,

Principally {076}consists of two parts (which the flirt does not, for

she is all body and no soul) Concord and Government.

Concord is the agreement which one word has with another, in gender,

number, case or person.

Note.--That a want of agreement between words does not invalidate

_deeds_. We apprehend that such an engagement as the following, properly

authenticated, would hold good in law.

I ose Jon stubs too hunder dollar for valley reseved an

promis to pay Him Nex Sattaday

Signed Willum Gibs is x Mark

March 18, 1844.

Also that a friend of ours, to whom the following bill was sent, could

not have refused to discharge it on the score of its incorrect grammar.

==> See Page Scan

Government {077}is that power which one part of speech has over another,

in directing its mood, tense, or case.

Government is also that power, of which, if the Agrarians have their

way, we shall soon see very little in this country.

Hurrah!

No taxes!

No army!

No navy!

No parsons!

No lawyers!

No Congress!

No Legislature!

No anything!

No nothing!

To produce the agreement and right disposition of words in a sentence,

the following rules (and observations?) should be carefully studied.

RULE I.

A verb must agree with its nominative case in number and person: as "I

perceive."

"Thou hast been to Boston."

"Apes chatter."

"Frenchmen gabble."

Certain liberties are sometimes taken with this rule: as, "I own I likes

good beer."

"You'm a fine fellow, aint yer?" Such modes of speaking are adopted by

those who neither know nor care anything about grammatical correctness:

but there are other persons who care a great deal about it, but

unfortunately do not know what it consists in. Such folks are very fond

of saying, "How it rain!"

"It fit you very well."

"He say he think it very unbecoming."

"I were gone before you {078}was come," and so forth, in which forms of

speech they perceive a peculiar elegance.

The infinitive mood, or part of a sentence, is sometimes used as the

nominative case to the verb: as, "to be good is to be happy which is

as grammatical an assertion as "Toby Good is Toby Happy;" and rather

surpasses it in respect of sense. "That two pippins are a pair, is a

proposition which no man in his senses will deny."

"To be a connoisseur in boots,

To hate all rational pursuits,

To make your money fly, as though

Gold would as fast as mushrooms grow;

To haunt the Opera, save whene'er

There's anything worth hearing there;

To smirk, to smile, to bow, to dance,

To talk of what they eat in France,

To languish, simper, sue, and sigh,

And stuff her bead with flattery;

Are means to gain that worthless part,

A fashionable lady's heart."

Here are examples enough, in all conscience, of infinitive moods serving

as nominative oases.

All verbs, save only in the infinitive mood or participle, require a

nominative case either expressed or understood: as, "Row with me down

the river," that is "Row thou, or do thou row."

"Come where the aspens quiver,"

"come thou, or do thou come."

"Fly not yet;"

"fly not thou, or do not thou fly."

"Pass the ruby;"

"Pass thou, or do thou pass the ruby" (not the Rubicon.

A {079}well known popular song affords an example of the violation of

this rule.

"Ven as the Captain comed for to hear on't, Wery much applauded vot

she'd done."

[Illustration: 088]

The verb applauded has here no nominative case, whereas it ought to have

been governed by the pronoun he. "He very much applauded," &c.

Every nominative case, except when made absolute, or used, like the

Latin Vocative, in addressing a person, should belong to some verb,

implied if not expressed. A beautiful example of this grammatical maxim,

{080}and one, too, that explains itself, is impressed upon the mind very

soon after its first introduction to letters: as,

"Who kill'd Cock Robin?

I said the sparrow,

With my bow and arrow;

I kill'd Cock Robin."

Of the neglect of this rule also, the ballad lately mentioned presents

an instance: as,

"Four-and-twenty brisk young fellows

Clad in jackets, blue array,--

And they took poor Billy Taylor

From his true love all avay."

The only verb in these four lines is the verb took, which is governed

by the pronoun they. The four-and-twenty brisk young fellows, therefore,

though undeniably in the nominative, have no verb to belong to: while,

at the same time, whatever may be thought of their behavior to Mr.

William Taylor, they are certainly not absolute in point of case.

When a verb comes between two nouns, either of which may be taken as

the subject of the affirmation, it may agree with either of them: as,

"Two-and-six-pence is half-a-crown." Due regard, however, should be paid

to that noun which is most naturally the subject of the verb: it would

be clearly wrong to say, "Ducks and green peas is a delicacy."

"Fleas is a nuisance."

A nominative case, standing without a personal tense of a verb, and

being put before a participle, independently of the rest of the

sentence, is called a case absolute: as, "My brethren, to-morrow being

Sunday, I shall {081}preach a sermon in John street; after which we

shall join in a hymn, and that having been sungy Brother Biggs will

address you."

The objective case is sometimes incorrectly made absolute by showmen and

others: as, "Here, gentlemen and ladies, you will see that great warrior

Napoleon Bonaparte, standing agin a tree with his hands in his breeches

pockets, him taking good care to keep out of harm's vay. And there, on

the extreme right, you will observe the Duky Vellingtdn a valking about

amidst the red-hot cannon balls, him not caring von straw."

[Illustration: 090]

RULE II.

Two or more singular nouns, joined together by a copulative conjunction,

expressed, or understood are equivalent {082}to a plural noun, and

therefore require verbs, nouns, and pronouns, agreeing with them in the

plural number: as, "Veal, wine, and vinegar are very good victuals I

vow."

"Burke and Hare were nice men."

"A hat without a crown, a tattered coat, threadbare and out at elbows,

a pair of breeches which looked like a piece of dirty patchwork

diversified by various holes, and of boots which a Jew would hardly have

raked from a kennel, at once proclaimed him a man who had seen better

days."

This rule is not always adhered to in discourse quite so closely as a

fastidious ear would require it to be: as, "And so, you know, Mary, and

I, and Jane was a dusting the chairs, and in comes Missus."

RULE III.

When the conjunction disjunctive comes between two nouns, the verb,

noun, or pronoun, is of the singular number, because it refers to each

of such nouns taken separately: as, "A cold in the head, or a sore eye

is a great disadvantage to a lover."

If singular pronouns, or a noun and pronoun of different persons, be

disjunctively connected, the verb must agree with the person which

stands nearest to it; as, "I or thou art."

"Thou or I am"

"I, thou, or he is" &c. But as this way of writing or speaking is very

inelegant, and as saying, "Either I am, or thou art," and so on, will

always render having recourse to it unnecessary, the rule just laid down

is almost useless, except inasmuch as it suggests a moral maxim, namely,

"Always be on good terms with your next door neighbor."

It also forcibly reminds us of some beautiful lines by

Moore, {083}in which the heart, like a tendril, is said to twine round

the "nearest and loveliest thing." Now the person which is placed

nearest the verb is the object of choice; ergo, the most agreeable

person--ergo, the loveliest person or thing.

Should a conjunction disjunctive occur between a singular noun or

pronoun, and a plural one, the verb agrees with the plural noun or

pronoun: as, "Neither a king nor his courtiers are averse to butter:"

(particularly when thickly spread.) "Darius or the Persians were hostile

to Greece."

RULE IV.

A noun or multitude, that is, one which signifies many, can have a verb

or Pronoun to agree with it either in the singular or plural number;

according to the import of such noun, as conveying unity or plurality of

idea: as, "The nations humbugged."

"The multitude have to pay many taxes."

"The city Council are at a loss to know what to do."

"The people is a many headed monster."

RULE V.

Pronouns agree with their antecedents, and with the nouns to which they

belong, in gender and number: as, "This is the blow which killed Ned."

"England was once governed by a celebrated King, who was called Rufus

the Red, but whose name was by no means so illustrious as that of

Alfred."

"General M. and the Lieutenant had put on their boots."

"The lady appeared, and she smiled, but the smile belied her feelings."

The relative being of the same person with the antecedent, {084}the verb

always agrees with it: as,

"Thou who learnest Syntax"

"I who enlighten thy mind."

The objective case of the personal pronouns is by some, for want of

better information, employed in the place of these and those: as,

"Let them things alone."

"Now then, Jemes, make haste with them chops." The adverb there, is

sometimes, with additional impropriety, joined to the pronoun them: as,

"Look after them there sheep."

The objective case of a pronoun in the first person is put after the

interjections Oh! and Ah! as,

"Oh! dear me," &c.

The second person, however, requires a nominative case: as,

"Oh! you good-for-nothing man!"

"Ah! thou gay Lothario!"

[Illustration: 093]

RULE VI.

When {085}there is no nominative case between the relative and the verb,

the relative itself is the nominative to the verb: as, "The master who

flogged us."

"The rods which were used."

But when the nominative comes between the relative and the verb, the

relative exchanges, as it were, the character of sire for that of son,

and becomes the governed instead of the governor; depending for its case

| on some word in its own member of the sentence: as, "He who is now at

the head of affairs, whom the people delight to honor, and to whom is

intrusted the helm of state--is a Polk."

RULE VII.

The relative and the verb, when the former is preceded by two

nominatives of different persons, may agree in person with either,

according to the sense: as,

"I am the young gentleman who do the lovers at the Chatham;" or, "who

does."

[Illustration: 095]

Let this maxim be borne constantly in mind. "A murderer of good

characters should always be made an example of."

RULE VIII.

Every adjective, and every adjective pronoun, relates to a substantive,

expressed or implied: as, "Dando was an unprincipled, as well as a

voracious man."

"Few quarrel with their bread and butter;" that is, "few persons."

"This is the wonderful eagle of the sun." That is, "This eagle" &c.

Adjective pronouns agree in number with their substantives: "This

muff, these muffs; that booby, these boobies; another numscull, other

numsculls."

Some {086}people say, "Those kind of things," or, "This four-and-twenty

year," neither of which expressions they have any business to use.

Adjectives are sometimes improperly used as adverbs: as, "He behaved

very bad."

"He insulted me most gross."

"He eat and drank uncommon."

"He wur beat very severe."

"It hailed tremendous" or, more commonly, "tremenjus."

RULE IX.

The article a or an agrees with nouns in the singular number only: as,

"A fool, an ass, a simpleton, a ninny, {087}a lout--I would not give a

farthing for a thousand such."

The definite article the may agree with nouns in the singular and plural

number: as, "The toast, the ladies, the ducks."

The articles are often properly omitted; when used, they serve to

determine or limit the thing spoken of: as, "Variety is charming."

"Familiarity doth breed contempt."

"A stitch in time saves nine."

"The heart that has truly loved never forgets."

RULE X.

One substantive, in the possessive or genitive case, is governed by

another, of a different meaning: as, "A fiddle-stick's end."

"Monkey's allowance."

"Virtue's reward."

[Illustration: 096]

RULE XI.

Active verbs govern the objective case: as, "I kissed her."

"She scratched me"

"Virtue rewards her followers."

For {088}which reason she is like a cook.

Verbs neuter do not govern an objective case. Observe, therefore, that

such phrases: as,

"She cried a good one,"

"He came the old soldier over me,"

and so forth, are highly improper in a grammatical point of view, to say

nothing of other objections to them.

These verbs, however, are capable of governing words of a meaning

similar to their own: as, in the affecting ballad of Giles Scroggins--

"I wont, she cried, and screamed a scream"

The verb To Be has the same case after it as that which goes before it:

as, "It was I" not "It was me"

"The Grubbs were they who eat so much tripe at our last party not "The

Grubbses were them."

RULE XII.

One verb governs another that depends upon it, in the infinitive mood:

as, "Cease to smoke pipes."

"Begin to wear collars."

"I advise you to shave"

"I recommend you to go to church."

"I resolved to visit the Carolinas."

"And there I learned to wheel about And jump Jim Crow."

In general the preposition to is used before the latter of two verbs;

but sometimes it is more properly omitted: as, "I saw you take it, young

fellow; come along with me."

"Let me get hold of you, that's all!"

"Did I hear you speak?"

"I'll let you know!"

"You dare not hit me."

"Bid me discourse"

"You need not sing"

The proposition for is sometimes unnecessarily intruded into a sentence,

in addition to the preposition to, before an infinitive mood: as, How

came you for to think, {089}for to go, for to do such a thing?" Do you

want me for to punch your head?"

Adjectives, substantives, and participles, often govern the infinitive

mood: as, "Miss Hopkins, I shall be happy to dance the next set with

you."

"Oh! Sir, it is impossible to refuse you."

"Have you an inclination to waltz?"

"I shall be delighted in endeavoring to do so."

The infinitive mood is frequently made absolute, that is, independent of

the rest of the sentence: as, "To say the truth, I was rather the worse

for liquor."

"Not to mince matters, Miss, I love you."

[Illustration: 098]

RULE XIII.

The {090}relation which words and phrases bear to each other in point

of time, should always be duly marked: instead of saying, "Last night I

intended to have made strong love to her," we should say, "Last night I

intended to make strong love to her;" because, although the intention of

making strong love may have been abandoned (on reflection) this morning,

and is now, therefore, a thing which is past, yet it is undoubtedly,

when last night and the thoughts connected with it are brought back,

again present to the mind.

RULE XIV.

Participles have the same power of government with that of the verbs

from which they are derived: as,

"Oh, what an exquisite singer Rubini is! I am so fond of hearing him."

"Look at that horrid man; I declare he is quizzing us!"

"No, he is only taking snuff."

"See, how that thing opposite keeps making mouths."

"How fond they all are of wearing mustaches! Don't you like it?"

"Oh, yes! there is no resisting them."

"Heigho! I am dying to have an ice--"

Young man for a husband, Miss?

For shame, Sir! don't be rude!

Participles are sometimes used as substantives: as, "The French mouth is

adapted to the making of grimaces."

"The cobbler is like the parson; he lives by the mending of soles."

"The tailor reaps a good harvest from the sewing of cloth."

"Did you ever see a shoot-ing of the moon?"

Is this what the witches mean when they sing, in the acting play of

Macbeth,

"We fly by night?"

If {091}they "shoot the moon," they are shooting stars. There is a mode

of using the indefinite article a before a participle, for which

there is no occasion, as it does not convert the participle into a

substantive, and makes no alteration in the sense of what is said; in

this case the article, therefore, is like a wart, a wen, or a knob at

the end of the nose, neither useful nor ornamental: as, "Going out a

shooting."

"Are you a coming to-morrow?"

"I was a thinking about what Jem said."

"Here you are, a going of it, as usual!" A liberty not unfrequently

taken with the English Language, is the substitution of the perfect

participle for the imperfect tense, and of the imperfect tense for the

perfect participle: as, "He run like mad, with the great dog after him."

"Maria come and told us all about it."

"When I had wrote the Valentine, I sealed it with my thimble."

"He has rose to (be) a common* councilman."

"I was chose Lord Mayor."

"I've eat (or a eat) lots of vension in my time."

"I should have spoke if you hadn't put in your oar."

"You were mistook."

"He sent her an affecting copy of verses, which was wrote with a

Perryian pen."

RULE XV.

Adverbs are generally placed in a sentence before adjectives, after

verbs active or neuter, and frequently between the auxiliary and the

verb: as, "He came, Sir, and he was most exceedingly drunk; he could

hardly stand upon his legs; he made a very lame discourse; he spoke

incoherently and ridiculously; and was impatiently heard by the whole

assembly."

"He is fashionably dressed."

"She is conspicuously ugly."

"The eye of {092}jealousy is proverbially sharp, and yet it is

indisputiably green"

"The French Marquis was a very charming man; he danced exquisitely and

nimbly, and was greatly admired by all the ladies."

[Illustration: 101]

Several adverbs have been coined of late; and some of them are

very remarkable for a "particular" elegance: as, "I reckon you're

catawampously chawed up." In the example just given there is to be

found, besides the new adverb, a word which, if not also new to the

{093}English student, is rendered so both by its orthography and

pronunciation; namely, _chawed_. This term is no other than "chewed,"

modified. "Chawed up" is a very strong expression, and is employed to

signify the most complete state of discomfiture and defeat, when a man

is as much crushed, mashed, and comminuted, morally speaking, as if

he had literally and corporeally undergone the process of mastication.

"Catawampously" is a concentration of "hopelessly," "tremendously,"

"thoroughly," and "irrevocably;" so that "catawampously chawed up,"

means, brought as nearly to a state of utter annihilation as anything

consistently with the laws of nature can possibly be. For the

metaphorical use of the word "chawed," three several reasons have been

given: 1. Familiarity with the manner in which the alligator disposes

of his vie-tims. 2. The cannibalism of the Aborigines. 3. The delicate

practice of chewing tobacco. Each of these is supported by numerous

arguments, on the consideration of which it would be quite out of the

question to enter in this place.

RULE XVI.

Two English negatives (like French lovers) destroy one another,--and

become equivalent to an affirmative: as, "The question before the House

was not an unimportant one;" that is, "it was an important one."

"Mr. Brown was free to confess that he did not undertake to say that

he would not on some future occasion give a satisfactory answer to the

honorable gentleman."

Thus, at one and the same time, we teach our readers Syntax and

secretiveness.

It is probable that small boys are often unacquainted with {094}this

rule; for many of them, while undergoing personal chastisement, exclaim,

for the purpose, as it would appear, of causing its duration to be

shortened--"Oh pray, Sir, oh pray, Sir, oh pray, Sir! I won't do so no

more!"

RULE XVII.

Prepositions govern the objective case: as, "What did the butcher say of

her?"

"He said that she would never do for him; that she was too thin for a

wife, and he was not fond of a spare rib."

The delicate ear is much offended by any deviation from this rule:

as, in a shocking and vulgar song which it was once our misfortune to

hear:--

"There I found the faithless she

Frying sausages for he."

We had occasion, in the Etymology, to remark on a certain misuse of the

preposition, of. This, perhaps, is best explained by stating that of in

the instances cited, is made to usurp the government of cases which are

already under a rightful jurisdiction: as, "What are you got a eating

of?"

"He had been a beating of his wife."

RULE XVIII.

Conjunctions connect similar moods and tenses of verbs, and cases of

nouns and pronouns: as, "A coat of arms suspended on a wall is like an

executed traitor; it is hanged, drawn, and quartered."

"If you continue thus to drink brandy and water and to smoke cigars, you

will be like Boreas the North wind, who takes 'cold without' wherever he

goes, and always 'blows a cloud' when it comes in his way."

"Do you think there is any {095}thing between him and her?"

"Yes; he, and she are engaged ones."

[Illustration: 104]

Note.--To ask whether there is any thing between two persons of opposite

sexes, is one way of inquiring whether they are in love with each other.

It is not, however, in our opinion, a very happy phrase, inasmuch

as whatever intervenes between a couple of fond hearts, must tend to

prevent them from coming together.

RULE XIX.

Some conjunctions govern the indicative; some the subjunctive mood. In

general, it is right to use the subjunctive, {096}when contingency or

doubt is implied: as, "If I were to say that the moon is made of green

cheese."

"If I were a wiseacre."

"If I were a Wilt-shire-man."

"A lady, unless, she be toasted, is never drunk."

And when she is toasted, those who are drunk are generally the

gentlemen.

[Illustration: 105]

Those conjunctions which have a positive and absolute signification,

require the indicative mood: as, "He who fasts may be compared to a

horse: for as the animal eats not a bit, so neither does the man partake

of a morsel."

"The rustic is deluded by false hopes, for his daily food is gammon."

Every philosopher has his weak points, and in the Sylva Sylvarum may be

found some gammon of Bacon.

RULE XX.

When a comparison is made between two or more things, the latter noun or

pronoun is not governed by the {097}conjunction than or as, but agrees

with the verb, or is governed by the verb or preposition, expressed

or understood: as, "The French are a lighter people than we," (that is

"than we are,") "and yet we are not so dark as they," that is, "as they

are."

"I should think that they admire me more than them," that is, "than they

admire them."

"It is a shame, Martha! you were thinking more of that young officer

than me," that is, "of me."

[Illustration: 106]

Sufficient attention is not always paid, in discourse, to this rule.

Thus, a schoolboy may be often heard to exclaim,

"What did you hit me for, you great fool?"

"You're bigger than me. Hit some one of your own size!"

"Not fling farther than him? just can't I, that's all!"

"You and I have got more marbles than them,"

RULE XXI.

An {098}ellipsis, or omission of certain words, is frequently allowed,

for the sake of avoiding disagreeable repetitions, and of expressing our

ideas in a few words. Instead of saying, "She was a little woman, she

was a round woman, and she was an old woman," we say, making use of the

figure Ellipsis, "She was a little, round, and old woman."

When, however, the omission of words is productive of obscurity, weakens

the sentence, or involves a violation of some grammatical principle,

the ellipsis must not be used. It is improper to say, "Puddings fill who

fill them;" we should supply the word those. "A beautiful leg of mutton

and turnips" is not good language: those who would deserve what they

are talking about ought to say, "A beautiful leg of mutton and fine

turnips."

In common discourse, in which the meaning can be eked out by gestures,

signs, and inarticulate sounds variously modified, the ellipsis is

much more liberally and more extensively employed than in written

composition. "May I have the pleasure of--hum? ha?" may constitute an

invitation to take wine. "I shall be quite--a--a--" may serve as an

answer in the affirmative. "So then you see he was--eh!--you see--," is

perhaps an intimation that a man has been hanged. "Well, of all the--I

never!" is often tantamount to three times as many words expressive of

surprise, approbation, or disapprobation, according to the tone in

which it is uttered. "Will you?--ah!--will you?--ah!--ah!--ah!" will do

either for "Will you be so impertinent, you scoundrel? will you dare

to do so another {099}time?" or, "Will you, dearest, loveliest, most

adorable of your sex, will you consent to make me happy; will you be

mine? speak! answer, I entreat you! One word from those sweet lips will

make me the most fortunate man in existence!"

There is, however, a kind of ellipsis which those who indulge in that

style of epistolary writing, wherein sentiments of a tender nature are

conveyed, will do well to avoid with the greatest care. The ellipsis

alluded to, is that of the first person singular of the personal

pronoun, as instanced in the following model of a billet-doux:--

Camberwell,

April 1, 1844.

MY DEAREST FANNY,

Have not enjoyed the balm of sleep all the livelong night.

Encountered, last night, at the ball, the beau ideal of my

heart. Never knew what love was till then. Derided the

sentiment often; jested at scars, because had never felt a

wound. Feel at last the power of beauty--Write with a

tremulous hand; waver between hope and fear. Hope to be

thought not altogether unworthy of regard: fear to be

rejected as having no pretensions to the affections of such

unparalleled loveliness. Know not in what terms to declare

my feelings. Adore you, worship you, dote on you, am wrapt

up in you! think but on you, live but for you, would

willingly die for you!--in short, love you! and imploring

you to have some compassion on one who is distracted for

your sake

Remain

Devotedly yours

T. Tout.

RULE XXII.

A {100}Regular and dependent construction should be carefully preserved

throughout the whole of a sentence, and all its parts should correspond

to each other. There is, therefore, an inaccuracy in the following

sentence; "Greenacre was more admired, but not so much lamented, as

Burke." It should be, "Greenacre was more admired than Burke, but not so

much lamented."

Of these two worthies there will be a notice of the following kind in

a biographical dictionary, to be published a thousand years hence in

America.

Greenacre.--A celebrated critic who so cut up a blue-stocking lady of

the name of Brown, that he did not leave her a leg to stand upon.

Burke.--A famous orator, whose power of stopping people's mouths was

said to be prodigious. It is farther reported of him that he was only

once hung up, and that on the occasion of the last speech he ever made.

Perhaps it may be said that the rule last stated comprehends all

preceding rules and requires exemplification accordingly. We therefore

call the attention of the reader to the following paragraph, requesting

him to consider what, and how many, violations of the maxims of Syntax

it contains.

"We teaches, that is, my son and me teaches, the boys English Grammar.

Tom or Dick have learned something every day but Harry what is idler,

whom I am sure will never come to no good, for he is always a miching

and doing those kind of things (he was catch but yesterday in a skittle

grounds) he only makes his book all dog's ears. I beat he, too, pretty

smartish, as I ought, you will say, for to have did. I was going to have

{101}sent him away last week but he somehow got over me as he do always.

I have had so much trouble with he, that between you and I, if I was not

paid for il, I wouldn't have no more to do with such a boy. There never

wasn't a monkey more mischievious than him; and a donkey isn't more

stupider and not half so obstinate as that youngster."

The Syntax of the Interjection has been sufficiently stated under Rule

V. Interjections afford more matter for consideration in a Treatise

on Elocution than they do in a work on Grammar; but there is one

observation which we are desirous of making respecting them, and which

will not, it is hoped, be thought altogether foreign to our present

subject. Almost every interjection has a great variety of meanings,

adapted to particular occasions and circumstances, and indicated chiefly

by the tone of the voice. Of this proposition we shall now give a few

illustrations, which we would endeavor to render still clearer by the

addition of musical notes, but that these would hardly express, with

adequate exactness, the modulations of sound to which we allude; and

besides, we hope to be sufficiently understood without such help. This

part of the Grammar should be read aloud by the student; or, which is

better still, the interjection, where it is possible, should be repeated

with the proper intonation by a class; the sentence which gives occasion

to it being read by the preceptor. We will select the interjection Oh!

as the source from which our examples are to be drawn.

"I'll give it to you, you idle dog: I will!"

"Oh, pray, Sir! Oh, pray, Sir! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

"I shall ever have the highest esteem for you, Sir; but as to love, that

is out of the question."

"Oh, {102}Matilda!"

"I say, Jim, look at that chaffinch: there's a shy!"

"Oh, Crikey!"

"Miss Timms, do you admire Lord Byron?"

"Oh, yes!"

"What do you think of Rubini's singing?"

"Oh!"

"So then, you see, we popped round the corner, and caught them just in

the nick of time."

"Oh!"

"Sir, your behavior has done you great credit."

"Oh!"

"Oats are looking up."

"Oh!"

"Honorable Members might say what they pleased; but he was convinced,

for his part, that the New Poor Law had given great general

satisfaction."

"Oh! oh!"

There being now no reason (or rule) to detain us in the Syntax, we shall

forthwith advance into Prosody, where we shall have something to say,

not only about rules, but also of measures.

PART IV. PROSODY.

Prosody {103}consists of two parts; wherefore, although it may be a

topic, a head, or subject for discussion, it can never be a point; for a

point is that which hath no parts. Besides, there are a great many

lines to be considered in the second part of Prosody, which treats of

Versification. The first division teaches the true Pro-nunciation of

Words, including Accent, Quantity, Emphasis, Pause, and Tone.

Lord Chesterfield's book about manners, which is intended to teach

us the proper tone to be adopted in Society, may be termed an Ethical

Prosody.

Lord Chesterfield may have been a polished gentleman, but Dr. Johnson

was of the two the more shining character.

CHAPTER I. OF PRONUNCIATION

SECTION I. OF ACCENT.

Though penetrated ourselves by the desire of imparting instruction,

we are far from wishing to bore our readers; and therefore we shall:

endeavor to repeat nothing here that we have said before.

Accent {104}is the marking with a peculiar stress of the voice a

particular letter or syllable in a word, in such a manner as to render

it more distinct or audible than the rest. Thus, in the word théatre,

the stress of the voice should be on the letter e and first syllable

the; and in contrary, on the first syllable con. How shocking it is to

hear people say con-trary, the-atre! The friends of education will be

reminded with regret, that an error in the pronunciation of the first of

these words is very early impressed on the human mind.

"Mary, Mary,

Quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?"

How many evils, alas! arise from juvenile associations!

Words of two syllables never have more than one of them accented, except

for the sake of peculiar emphasis. Gentlemen, however, whose profession

it is to drive certain public vehicles called cabs, are much accustomed

to disregard this rule, and to say, "po-lite" (or "pur-lite"),

"gén-téel," "con-cern," "po-lice," and so on: nay, they go so far as to

convert a word of one syllable into two, for the sake of indulging in

this style of pronunciation; and thus the word "queer" is pronounced by

them as "ke-veer."

The word "a-men," when standing alone, should be pronounced with two

accents.

The accents in which it usually is pronounced are very inelegant.

Clerks, now-a-days, alas! are no scholars.

Dissyllables, formed by adding a termination, usually have the former

syllable accented: as, "Foolish, block-head," &c.

===>See Page Scan

The {105}accent in dissyllables, formed by prefixing a syllable to the

radical word, is commonly on the latter syllable: as, "I protest, I

declare, I entreat, I adore, I expire."

Protestations, declarations, entreaties, and adorations, proclaim a

swain to be simply tender; but expiration (for love) proves him to be

decidedly soft.

[Illustration: 114]

A man who turns lover becomes a protest-ant; and his conduct at the same

time generally undergoes a reformation, especially if he has previously

been a rake.

The zeal, however, of a reformed rake, like that of Jack in Dean Swift's

"Tale of a Tub," is sometimes apt to outrun his discretion.

When the same word, being a dissyllable, is both a noun {106}and a verb,

the verb has mostly the accent on the latter, and the noun on the former

Syllable: as,

"Molly, let Hymen's gentle hand

Cemént our hearts together,

With such a cément as shall stand

In spite of wind and weather.

"I do presage--and oft a fact

A présage doth foretoken--

Our mutual love shall ne'er contract,

Our côntract ne'er be broken."

There are many exceptions to the rule just enunciated (so that,

correctly as well as familiarly speaking, it is perhaps _no_ rule;) for

though verbs seldom have an accent on the former, yet nouns frequently

have it on the latter syllable: as,

"Mary Anne is my delight

Both by day and eke by night;

For by day her soft contrôl

Soothes my heart and calms my soul;

And her image while I doze

Comes to sweeten my repôse;

Fortune favoring my design,

Please the pigs she shall be mine!"

The former syllable of most dissyllables ending in y, our, ow, le, ish,

ck, ter, age, en, èt, is accented: as "Grânny, noôdle," &c.

Except allôw, avôw, endôw, bestôw, belôw.

"Sir I cannot allôw

You your flame to avôw;

Endôw yourself first with the rhino:

My hand to bestôw On a fellow belôw

Me!--I'd rather be--never mind---

_I_ know."

"Music," {107}in the language of the Gods, is sometimes pronounced

"mû-sic!"

Nouns of two syllables ending in er, have the accent on the former

syllable: as, "Bûtcher, bâker."

It is, perhaps, a singular thing, that persons who pursue the callings

denoted by the two words selected as examples, should always indicate

their presence at an area by crying out, in direct defiance of Prosody,

"But-chér, ba-kér;" the latter syllable being of the two the more

strongly accented.

Dissyllabic verbs ending in a consonant and e final, as "Disclose,"

"repine," or having a dipthong in the last syllable, as, "Believe,"

"deceive," or ending in two consonants, as "Intend," are accented on the

latter syllable.

"Matilda's eyes a light disclôse,

Which with the star of Eve might vie;

Oh! that such lovely orbs as those

Should sparkle at an apple-pie!

"Thy love I thought was wholly mine,

Thy heart I fondly hoped to rule;

Its throne I cannot but repine

At sharing with a goosb'ry fool!

"Thou swear'st no flatterer can decéive

Thy mind,--thy breast no coxcomb rifle;

Thou art no trifler, I beliéve,

But why so plaguy fond of trifle?

"Why, when we're wed--I don't inténd

To joke, Matilda, or be funny;

I really fear that you will spend

The Honey Moon in eating honey!"

Most {108}dissyllabic nouns, having a dipthong in the latter syllable,

have the aécent also on that syllable: as,

"A Hamlet that draws

Is sure of applâuse."

A Hamlet that draws? There are not many who can give even an outline of

the character.

In a few words ending in _ain_ the accent is placed on the former

syllable: as, "Villain," which is pronounced as the natives of

Whitechapel pronounce "willing." Those dissyllables, the vowels of which

are separated in pronunciation, always have the accent on the first

syllable: as, lion, scion, &c.

When is a young and tender shoot

Like a fond swain? When 'tis a scion.

What's the most gentlemanly brute

Like, of all flow'rs? A _dandy_lion.'

Trisyllables, formed by adding a termination or prefixing a syllable,

retain the accent of the radical word: as, "Lôveliness, shéepishness,

knâvery, assûrance." The first syllable of trisyllables ending in

ons, al, ion, is accented in the generality of cases: as in the words

"sérious, câpital," &c.

"Dr. Johnson declared, with a sérious face,

That he reckoned a punster a villain:

What would he have thought of the horrible case

Of a man who makes jokes that are killing?"

In his diction to speak 'tis not easy for one Who must

furnish both reason and rhyme:

"Sir, the rogue who has utter'd a câpital pun,

Has committed a câpital crime.'

Trisyllables {109}ending in ce, ent, ate, y, re, le, and ude, commonly

accent the first syllable. Many of those, however, which are derived

from words having the accent on the last syllable and of those of which

the middle syllable has a vowel between two consonants, are excepted.

They who would elegantly speak

Should not say "impudence," but "cheek;"

Should all things éatable call "prog;"

Eyes "ogles," côuntenance "phisog."

A coach should nôminate a "drag,"

And spécify as "moke," a nag:

For éxcellent, use "prime" or "bang up,"

Or "out and out;" and "scrag," for hang up.

The théâtre was wont to teach

The public réctitude of speech,

But we who live in modern age

Consult the gallery, not the stage.

Trisyllables ending in ator have the accent placed on the middle

syllable; as, "Spectâtor, narrâtor," &c. except ôrator, sénator, and a

few other words.

Take care that you never pronounce the common name of the vegetable

sometimes called Irish fruit, "purtator."

A dipthong in the middle syllable of a trisyllable is accented: as

also, in general, is a vowel before two consonants: as, "Doméstic,"

"endéavor."

An endeavor to appear domesticated, or in common phraseology, to "do"

the domestic, is sometimes made by young gentlemen, and generally with

but an ill grace. {110}Avoid such attempts, reader, on all occasions:

and in particular never adventure either to nurse babies, or (when you

shall have "gone up to the ladies") to pour water into the tea-pot from

the kettle. A legal or medical student sometimes thinks proper, from a

desire of appearing at once gallant and facetious, to usurp the office

of pouring out the tea itself, on which occasions he is very apt to

betray his uncivilised habits by an unconscious but very unequivocal

manipulation used in giving malt liquor what is technically termed a

"head."

Many polysyllables are regulated as to accent by the words from which

they are derived: as, "Inex-préssibles, Sûbstituted, Unobjéctionably,

Désignated, Transatlàntic, Délicacy, Decidedly, Unquéstionable."

Words ending in ator are commonly accented on the last syllable but one,

let them be as long as they may: as, respirâtor, regulator, renovâtor,

indicâtor, and all the other alors that we see in the newspapers.

Many words ending in ion, ous, ty, ia, io, and cal, have their accent

on the last syllable but two: as, "Con-si-de-râ-ti-on, pro-di-gi-ous,

im-pe-ne-tra-bil-i-ty, en-cy-clo-pæ'-di-a, brag-ga-dô-ci-o,

an-ti-mo-nârch-i-cal," all of which words we have divided into

syllables, by way of a hint that they are to be pronounced (comically

speaking) after the manner of Dominie Sampson.

Words that end in le usually have the accent on the first syllable:

as, "Amicable, déspicable," &c.: although we have heard people say

"despicable."

"I never see such a despicable fellow, not in all my born days."

Words of this class, however, the second syllable of which has a vowel

before two consonants, are often differently {111}accented: as in

"Respéctable, contémptible.

[Illustration: 120]

Having, in compliance with grammatical usage, laid down certain rules

with regard to accent, we have to inform the reader that there are so

many exceptions to almost all of them, that perhaps there is scarcely

one which it is worth while to attend to. We hope we have some measure

amused him; but as to instruction, fear that, in this part of our

subject, we have given him {112}very little of that. Those who would

acquire a correct accent had better attend particularly to the mode

of speaking adopted in good society; avoid debating clubs; and go to

church. For farther satisfaction and information we refer them, and we

beg to say that we are not joking--to _Walker_.

SECTION II. OF QUANTITY.

The quantity of a syllable means the time taken up in pronouncing it.

As there is in Arithmetic a long division and a short division, so in

Prosody is Quantity considered as long or short.

A syllable is said to be long, when the accent is on the vowel, causing

it to be slowly joined in pronunciation to the next letter: as, "Flea,

small, creature."

A syllable is called short, when the accent lies on the consonant, so

that the vowel is quickly joined to the succeeding letter: as "Crack,

little, devil."

The pronunciation of a long syllable commonly occupies double the time

of a short one: thus, "Pâte," and "Broke," must be pronounced as slowly

again as "Pàt," and "Knôck."

We have remarked a curious tendency in the more youthful students of

Grammar to regard the quantity of words (in their lessons) more as being

"small" or "great" than as coming under the head of "long" or "short."

Their predilection for small quantities of words is very striking and

peculiar; food for the mind they seem to look upon as physic; and all

physic, in their estimation, is most agreeably taken in infinitesimal

doses. The Homoeopathic system of acquiring knowledge {113}is more to

their taste than even the Hamiltonian.

It is quite impossible to give any rules as to quantity worth reading.

The Romans may have submitted to them, but that is no reason why we

should. We will pronounce our words as we please: and if foreigners

want to know why, we will tell them that, when there is no law to the

contrary, we always does as we likes with our own.

[Illustration: 122]

SECTION III. ON EMPHASIS.

Emphasis {114}is the distinguishing of some word or words in a sentence,

on which we wish to lay particular stress, by a stronger and fuller

sound, and sometimes by a particular tone of the voice.

A few illustrations of the importance of emphasis will be, perhaps, both

agreeable and useful.

When a young lady says to a young gentlemen, "You are a _nice_ fellow;

you _are!_"--she means one thing.

When a young gentleman, addressing one of his own sex, remarks,

"_You're_ a nice fellow; _you_ are;"--he means another thing.

"Your friend is a gentlemen," pronounced without any particular

emphasis, is the simple assertion of a fact.

"Your friend is a gentleman," with the emphasis on the words "friend"

and "gentleman," conveys an insinuation besides.

So simple a question as "Do you like pine-apple rum?" is susceptible of

as many meanings as there are words in it; according to the position of

the emphasis.

"_Do_ you like pine-apple rum?" is as much as to say, "Do you, though,

really like pine-apple rum?"

"Do _you_ like pine-apple rum?" is tantamount to,

"Can it be that a young gentleman (or lady) like you, can like

pine-apple rum?"

"Do you _like_ pine-apple rum?" means, "Is it possible that instead of

disliking, you are fond of pine-apple rum?"

"Do {115}you like _pine-apple_ rum?" is an enquiry as to whether you

like that kind of rum in particular.

And lastly, "Do you like pine-apple _rum?_" is equivalent to asking if

you think that the flavor of the pineapple improves that especial form

of alcohol.

A well-known instance of an emphasis improperly placed was furnished

by a certain Parson, who read a passage in the Old Testament in the

following unlucky manner: "And he said unto his sons, Saddle me the ass;

and they saddled _him._"

Young ladies are usually very emphatic in ordinary discourse. "What a

little _dear!_ Oh! how _sweetly_ pretty! Well! I never _did_, I

declare! _So_ nice, and _so_ innocent, and _so_ good-tempered, and _so_

affectionate, and _such_ a color! And _oh! such lovely eyes!_ and such

hair! He _was_ a little duck! he was, he was, he was. Tzig a tzig, tzig,

tzig, tzig, tzig!" &c. &c. &c.

This emphatic way of speaking is indicative of two very amiable

feelings implanted by nature in the female occiput, and called by the

Phrenologists Adhesiveness and Philoprogenitivenes. Those who attempt

to imitate it will be conscious, while forcing out their words, of

a peculiar mental motion, which we cannot explain otherwise than by

saying, that it is analogous to that which attends the act of pressing

or squeezing; as when, with the thumb of the right hand, we knead one

lump of putty to another, in the palm of the left. Perhaps we might also

instance, sucking an orange. In all these cases, the organ of Weight,

according to Phrenology, is also active; and this, perhaps, is one

of the faculties which induce young ladies to lay a stress upon their

words. Nevertheless, we fear that a damsel {116}would hardly be pleased

by being told that her weight was considerable, though it would, at the

same time, grievously offend her to accuse her of lightness. Here we

need scarcely observe, that we refer to lightness, not of complexion,

but of sentiment, which is always regarded as a dark shade in the

character. This defect, we think, we may safely assert, will never be

observed in emphatic fair ones.

But we have not quite yet exhausted the subject of emphasis, considered

in relation to young ladies. Their letters are as emphatic as their

language is, almost every third word being underlined. Such epistles,

inasmuch as they are addressed to the heart, ought not to be submitted

to the ear; nevertheless we must say that we have occasionally been

wicked and waggish enough to read them aloud--to ourselves alone, of

course. The reader may, if he choose, follow our example. We subjoin

a specimen of female correspondence, endeared to us by many tender

recollections, and admirably adapted to our present purpose.

===>See Page Scan.

I was terribly afraid that Matilda and I would have caught our Death of

cold; but thank Goodness no such untoward event took place. It was very

uncomfortable and I so wished you had been there.. When we got home who

do you think was there? Mr. Sims; and he said he thought that I was so

much grown. Only think. And so then you know we took some refreshment,

for I assure you, what with the journey and altogether we were very

nearly famished; and we were all invited {117}to go to the Chubbs' that

Evening to a small Teà Party, for which I must own I thought Mr. Chubb a

ism* man. After tea we had a carpet waltz, and although I was very tired

I enjoyed it much. There were some very pretty girls there, and one or

two agreeable young men; but oh! &c.

The remainder of this letter being of a nature personally interesting

to ourselves only, and likely, in the opinion of some readers, to render

its insertion attributable to motives of vanity, we shall not be found

fault with for objecting to transcribe any more of it.

SECTION IV. OF PAUSES.

A Pause, otherwise called a rest, is an absolute cessation of the

voice, in speaking or reading, during a perceptible interval, longer or

shorter, of time.

Comic Pauses often occur in Oratory. "Unaccustomed as I am to public

speaking," is usually followed by a pause of this sort. A young

gentleman, his health having been drunk at a party, afforded, in

endeavoring to return thanks, a signal illustration of the Pause Comic.

"Gentlemen," he began, "the Ancient Romans,"--(A pause,)--"gentlemen,

the Ancient Romans,"--(Hear!)--"The Ancient Romans, Gentlemen,"--(Bravo!

hear! hear!)--"Gentlemen--that is--the Ancient Romans"--"were very fine

fellows, Jack, I dare say," added a friend, pulling the speaker down by

the coat-tail.

That notable Ancient Roman, Brutus, is represented by Shakspeare as

making a glorious pause: as "Who's here {118}so vile that would not

love his country? If any, speak, for him have I offended. I pause for a

reply."

[Illustration: 127]

Here of course, Brutus pauses, folds his arms, and looks magnanimous. We

have heard, though, of an idle and impudent schoolboy, who, at a

public recitation, when he had uttered the words "I pause for a reply,"

{119}gravely took out his penknife and began paring his nails.

This was minding his paws with a vengeance.

SECTION V. OF TONES.

Tones consist of the modulations of the voice, or the notes or

variations of sound which we use in speak-ing: thus differing materially

both from emphasis, and pauses.

An interesting diversity of tones is exhibited by the popular voice at

an election.

Also by charcoal-men, milk-men, and chimneysweeps; and by fruit-sellers,

and news-boys.

We cannot exactly write tones (though it is easy enough to write notes,)

but we shall nevertheless endeavor to give some idea of their utility.

Observe, that two doves billing resemble two magistrates

bowing;--because they are beak to beak.

[Illustration: 128]

A {120}lover and a police-magistrate (unless the two characters should

chance to be combined, which sometimes happens, that is, when the latter

is a lover of justice) would say, "Answer me," in very different tones.

A lover again would utter the words "For ever and ever," in a very

different tone from that in which a minister would repeat them.

A young lady, on her first introduction to you, says, "Sir," in a tone

very unlike that in which she sometime afterwards delivers herself of

the same monosyllable when she is addressing you under the influence of

jealousy.

As to the word "Sir," the number of constructions which, according

to the tone in which it is spoken, it may be made to bear, are

incalculable. We may adduce a few instances.

"Please, Sir, let me off."

"No, Sir!"

"Waiter! you, Sir."

"Yes, Sir! yes, Sir!"

"Sir, I am greatly obliged to you."

"Sir, you are quite welcome."

"Your servant, Sir" (by a man who brings you a challenge.)

"Servant, Sir" (by a tailor bowing you to the door.) "Sir, you are a

gentleman!"

"Sir, you are a scoundrel!"

We need not go on with examples ad infinitum. If after what we have said

anybody does not understand the nature of Tone, all we shall say of him

is, that he is a _Tony_ Lumpkin.

CHAPTER II. OF VERSIFICATION.

It {121}is with peculiar pleasure that we approach this part of Prosody.

We belong to a class of persons to whom a celebrated phrenological

manipulator ascribes "some poetical feeling, if studied or called

forth;" and, to borrow another expression from the same quarter, we

sometimes "versify a little;" that is to say, we versify our literary

occupations by an occasional flirtation with the muses.

We have a great respect for the memory of our old schoolmaster;

notwithstanding which, we think we can beat him (which, we shall be told

by the wags, would be tit for tat) at poet-making, though, indeed, he

was a magician in his way. "I'll make thee a poet, my boy," he used to

say, "or the rod shall."

Let us try what we can do.

A verse consists of a certain number and variety of syllables, put

together and arranged according to certain laws.

Verses being also called dulcet strains, harmonious numbers, tuneful

lays, and so forth, it is clear that such combination and arrangement

must be so made as to please the ear.

Versification is the making of verses. This seems such a truism as to be

not worth stating; but it is necessary to define what Versification is,

because many people suppose it to be the same thing with poetry. We will

prove that it is not.

"Much business in the Funds has lately been

Transacted various monied men between;

Though speculation early in the week

Went slowly; nought was done whereof to speak.

The largest operations, it was found,

Were twenty-five and fifty thousand _pound_."

We {122}might proceed in the same strain, but we have already done half

a dozen lines without a particle of poetry in them; and we do not wish

to overwhelm people with proofs of what a great many will take upon

trust.

Every fool knows what Rhyme is; so we need not say anything about that.

ON POETICAL FEET

Poetical feet! Why, Fanny Elsler's feet and Taglioni's feet are

poetical feet--are they not? or else what is meant by calling dancing

the poetry of Motion? And cannot each of those _artistes_ boast of a toe

which is the very essence of all poetry--a TO' KAAO'N?

No. You may make verses _on_ Taglioni's feet, (though if she be a

poetess, she can do that better than you, standing, too, on one leg,

like the man that Horace speaks of;) but you cannot make them _of_ her

feet. Feet of which verses are composed are made of syllables, not of

bones, muscles, and ligaments. Feet and pauses are the constituent parts

of a verse.

We have heard one boy ask of another, who was singing, "How much is that

a yard?" still the yard is not a poetical measure.

The feet which are used in poetry consist either of two or three

syllables. There are four kinds of feet of two, and an equal number

of three syllables. Four and four are eight: therefore Pegasus is an

octoped; and if our readers do not understand this logic, we are sorry

for it. But as touching the feet--we have

1. The {123}Trochee, which has the first syllable accent, ed, and the

last unaccented: as, "Yànkëe dôodlë."

2. The Iambus, which has the first syllable unaccented, and the last

accented: as, "Thé mâid hërsëlf with roûge, àlâs! bëdaübs."

3. The Spondee, which has both the words or syllables accented: as, "âll

hâil, grëat king, Tom Thumb, all hail!"

4. The Pyrrhic, which has both the words or syllables unaccented: as,

"ôn thë tree'top."

5. The Dactyl, which has the first syllable accented and the two latter

unaccented: as, "Jônàthin, Jëffër-sôn."

6. The Amphibrach has the first and last syllables unaccented and

the middle one accented: as, "Oë'r-whelmïng, transported, ecstatic,

delightful, àccéptëd, àddrëssës."

7. The Anapaest (or as we used to say, _Nasty-beast_) has the two first

syllables unaccented and the last accented: as, "ôvërgrôwn grënàdiër."

8. The Tribrach has all its syllables unaccented: as, "Matrïmôny,

exquisite nëss."

These feet are divided into principal feet, out of which pieces of

poetry may be wholly or chiefly formed; and secondary feet, the use of

which is to diversify the number and improve the verse.

We shall now proceed to explain the nature of the principal feet.

Iambic verses are of several kinds, each kind consisting of a certain

number of feet or syllables.

1. The shortest form of the English Iambic consists of an Iambus, with

an additional short syllable thus coinciding with the Amphibrach: as,

{124}

"What Sùsàn,

My beauty!

Refuse one

So true t' ye?

This ditty

Of sadness

Begs pity

For madness."

2. The second form of the English Iambic consists of two Iambuses, and

sometimes takes an additional short syllable: as,

"My eÿe, whàt fün.

With dog and gun,

And song and shout,

To roam about!

And shoot our snipes!

And smoke our pipes!

Or eat at ease,

Beneath the trees,

Our bread and cheese!

To rouse the hare

From gloomy lair;

To scale the mountain

And ford the fountain,

While rustics wonder

To hear our thunder."

3. The third form consists of three Iambuses: as in the following

_morceau_, the author of which is, we regret to say, unknown to us;

though we did once hear somebody say that it was Mr. Anon.

"Jâck Spràtt éat âll thé fât,

His wife eat all the lean,

And so between them both,

They lick'd the platter clean."

In {125}this verse an additional short syllable is also admitted: as,

"Âlëxïs yoüthful ploügh-bôy,

A Shepherdess adored,

Who loved fat Hodge, the cow-boy,

So t'other chap was floored."

4. The fourth form is made up of four Iambuses: as,

"Àdieü my boots, cômpàniôns old,

New footed twice, and four times soled;

My footsteps ye have guarded long,

Life's brambles, thorns, and flints among;

And now you're past the cobbler's art,

And fate declares that we must part.

Ah me! what cordial can restore

The gaping patch repatch'd before?

What healing art renew the weal

Of subject so infirm of heel?

What potion, pill, or draught control

So deep an ulcer of the sole?

5. The fifth species of English Iambic consists of five Iambuses: as,

You Côme, Tràgïc Müse, ïn tâttèr'd vést ârrày'd,

And while through blood, and mud, and crimes I wade,

Support my steps, and this, my strain, inspire

With Horror's blackest thoughts and bluest fire!"

The Epic of which the above example is the opening, will perhaps appear

hereafter. This kind of Iambic constitutes what is called the heroic

measure:--of which we shall have more to say by and by; but shall only

{126}remark at present that it, in common with most of the ordinary

English measures, is susceptible of many varieties, by the admission of

other feet, as Trochees, Dactyls, Anapaests, &c.

6. Our Iambic in its sixth form, is commonly called the Alexandrine

measure. It consists of six Iambuses: as,

"His worship gâve thë word, ànd Snôoks was borne âwày."

The Alexandrine is sometimes introduced into heroic rhyme, and when

used, as the late Mr. John Reeve was wont to say, "with a little

moderation," occasions an agreeable variety. Thus the example quoted is

preceded by the following lines:--

"What! found at midnight with a darkey, lit,

A bull-dog, jemmy, screw, and centre-bit

And tongueless of his aim? It cannot be

But he was bent, at least, on felony;

He stands remanded. 'Ho! Policeman A!'

His worship gave the word, and Snooks was borne away."

7. The seventh and last form of our Iambic measure is made up of seven

Iambuses. This species of verse has been immortalised by the adoption of

those eminent hands, Messrs. Sternhold and Hopkins. It runs {127}thus:--

Goôd pëople âll, I prây dràw nëar, fôr yôu I needs müst têll,

That William Brown is dead and gone; the man you knew full well.

A broad-brimm'd hat, black breeches, and an old Welch wig he wore:

And now and then a long brown coat all button'd up before."

The present measure is as admirably adapted for the

Platform as for the Conventicle.

"My name it is Bill Scroggins, and my fate it is to die,

For I was at the Sessions tried and cast for felony.

My friends, to these my dying words I pray attention lend,

The public-house has brought me unto this untimely end."

Verses of this kind are now usually broken into two lines, with four

feet in the first line, and three in the second: as,

"I wish I wëre â little pig

To wallow in the mire,

To eat, and drink, and sleep at ease

Is all that I desire."

Trochaic verse is of several kinds.

1. The shortest Trochaic verse in the English language consists of one

Trochee and a long syllable: as,

"Billy Black

Got the sack."

Lindley Murray asserts that this measure is defective in dignity, and

can seldom be used on serious occasions. Yet it is Pope who thus sings:

"Dreadful screams,

Dismal gleams.

Fires that glow,

Shrieks of woe," &c.

And for our own poor part, let us see what we can make out of a storm.

{128}

===> See Page Scan

2. The second English form of the Trochaic consists of two feet: as,

"Vermicelli,

Cürrànt jêlly."

It sometimes contains two feet, or trochees, with an additional long

syllable: as,

"Youth inclined tô wed,

Go and shave thy head."

3. The third species consists of three trochees: as,

"Sing a song ôf sixpence.

Or of three trochees, with an additional long syllable: as, {129}

"Thrice mÿ côat, hâve o'er thée rôll'd,

Summer hot and winter cold,

Since the Snip's creative art

Into being bade thee start;

Now like works the most sublime,

Thou displaty'st the power of time.

Broad grey patches plainly trace,

Right and left each blade-bone's place;

When thy shining collar's scann'd,

Punsters think on classic land:

Thread-bare sleeves thine age proclaim,

Elbows worn announce the same;

Elbows mouldy-black of hue,

Save where white a crack shines through;

While thy parting seams declare

Thou'rt unfit for farther wear--

Then, farewell! "What! Moses! ho!"

"Clo', Sir? clo', Sir? clo', Sir? clo'?"

4. The fourth Trochaic species consists of four trochees, as:

"Ugh! yôu little lümp ôf blübbër,

Sleep, oh! sleep in quiet, do!

Cease awhile your bib to slobber--

Cease your bottle mouth to screw.

"How I wish your eyelids never

Would unclose again at all;

For I know as soon as ever

You're awake, you're sure to squall.

"Dad and Mammy's darling honey,

Tomb-stone cherub, stuff'd with slops,

Let each noodle, dolt, and spooney

Smack, who will, your pudding chops. {130}

"As for me, as soon I'd smother,

As I'd drown a sucking cat,

You, you cub, or any other,

Nasty little squalling brat."

"Would you, you disagreeable old Bachelor?"

[Illustration: 139]

This form may take an additional long syllable, but this measure is very

uncommon. Example:

"Chrônônhôtônthôlôgôs the Great,

Godlike in a barrow kept his state."

5. The fifth Trochaic species is likewise uncommon; and, as a Bowbellian

would say, "uncommon" ugly, It contains five trochees: as,

"Hëre lies Màrÿ, wife ôf Thômas Càrtër,

Who to typhus fever proved a martyr."

These are a specimen of the "uncouth rhymes" so touchingly alluded to by

Gray.

6. The sixth form of the English Trochaic is a line of six trochees: as,

"Môst bëwitching damsel, charming Aràbéllâ,

Prithee, cast an eye of pity on a fellow."

The Dactylic measure is extremely uncommon. The following {131}may be

considered an example of one species of it:

"Cëlià thé crüël, resolv'd nôt tô mârry sôon,

Boasts of a heart like a fortified garrison,

Bulwarks and battlements keeping the _beaux_ all off,

Shot from within knocking lovers like foes all off."

Anapaestic verses are of various kinds.

1. The shortest anapæstic verse is a single anapaest:

"In thë glass

There's an ass."

This measure, after all, is ambiguous; for if the stress of the voice

be laid on the first and third syllables, it becomes trochaic. Perhaps,

therefore, it is best to consider the first form of our Anapæstic verse,

as made up of two anapaests: as,

"Sët â schôolbôy ât wôrk

With a knife and a fork."

And here if you like, you may have another short syllable: as,

"And hôw sôon thë yoüng glüttôn

Will astonish your mutton!"

2. The second species consists of three anapaests: as,

"Amàrÿllïs was slëndër ànd tail,

Colin Clodpole was dumpy and fat;

And tho' she did'n't like him at all,

Yet he doted on her for all that."

This metre is sometimes denominated sing-song.

3. The third kind of English Anapæstics may be very well exemplified by

an Irish song:

"Hâve yôu e'er hàd thë lück tô sëe Dônnÿbrôok Fair?"

It {132}consists, as will have been observed, of four ana-pæsts.

Sometimes it admits of a short syllable at the end of the verse: as,

In the dëad ôf thë night, when with dire càtërwàuling

Of grimalkins in chorus the house-tops resound:

All insensibly drunk, and unconsciously sprawling

In the kennel, how pleasant it is to be found!"

The various specimens of versification of which examples have been

given, may be improved and varied by the admission of secondary feet

into their composition; but as we are not writing an Art of Poetry, we

cannot afford to show how: particularly as the only way, after all,

of acquiring a real knowledge of the structure of English verse, is

by extensive reading. Besides, there yet remain a few Directions for

Poetical Beginners, which we feel ourselves called upon to give, and for

which, if we do not take care, we shall not have room.

The commencement of a poet's career is usually the writing of _nonsense_

verses. The nonsense of these compositions is very often unintentional;

but sometimes words are put together avowedly without regard to sense,

and with no other view than that of acquiring a familiarity with

metrical arrangement: as,

"Approach, disdain, involuntary, tell."

But this is dry work. It may be necessary to compose in this way just

at first, but in our opinion, there is a good and a bad taste to be

displayed even in writing nonsense verses; that is, verses which really

deserve that name. We recommend the young poet to make it his aim to

render his nonsense as perfect as----

It {133}were manifestly culpable to make no mention, in a work of this

sort, of certain measures which are especially and essentially, of

a comic nature. Some of these have been already adverted to, but two

principal varieties yet remain to be considered.

1. Measures taken from the Latin, in which the structure of the ancient

verse, as far as the number and arrangement of the feet are concerned,

is preserved, but the quantity of which is regulated in accordance with

the spirit of our own language. The character of such verses will be

best displayed by employing them on sentimental or serious subjects.

Take, for example, Long and Short, or Hexameter and Pentameter verses.

"Jülïà, girl ôf my heart, ïs thàn jëssâmïne swëetër, ôr frësh mëads

Hày-côvër'd; whât rôse tints thôse ôn hër chëeks, thàt flôurish,

Approach? those bright eyes, what stars, what glittering dew-drops?

And oh! what Parian marble, or snow, that bosom?

If she my love return, what bliss will be greater than mine; but

What more deep sadness if she reprove my passion?

Either a bridegroom proud yon ivy-clad church shall receive me

Soon; or the cold church-yard me with its turf shall cover."

Or the Sapphic metre of which the late Mr. Canning's "Knife-Grinder" is

so brilliant an example. Sappho, fair reader, was a poetess, who made

love-verses which could be actually scanned. History relates {134}that,

for the sake of some unprincipled or unfeeling fellow, she committed

_felo de se_.

"I can endüre this crüël pain nô lôngër;

Fare ye well, blue skies, rivers, fields, and song-birds!'

Thus the youth spoke; and adding,

'Oh, Jemima!' Plunged in the billow!"

[Illustration: 143]

2. Measures reducible to no rule, or Doggrel. Sternhold and Hopkins were

illustrious as Doggrel writers.

Doggrel {135}is commonly used by anonymous poets for the purpose of

embodying the moral reflections which a homicide or an execution excites

in the sensitive mind. May we hope that our remarks on Prosody will in

some little degree tend to facilitate, perhaps to improve, the future

treatment of those two deeply interesting subjects--Love and Murder?

[Illustration: 144]

CHAPTER III. PUNCTUATION.

"Mind {136}your stops." This is one of the earliest maxims inculcated

by the instructors of youth. Hence it is clear that the subject of

Punctuation is an important one: but inasmuch as the reader, who has

arrived at the present page, has either not understood a word that he

has been reading, or else knows as much about the matter as we can tell

him, we fear that a long dissertation concerning periods, commas, and so

on, would only serve to embarrass his progress in learning with

useless stops. We shall, therefore, confine ourselves to that notice of

Punctuation, and that only, which the peculiar nature of our work may

require.

First, it may be remarked, that the notes of admiration which we so

often hear in theatres, may be called notes of hand. Secondly, that

notes of interrogation are not at all like bank notes; although they are

largely uttered in Banco Regino. Let us now proceed with our subject.

Punctuation is the soul of Grammar, as Punctuality is that of business.

Perhaps somebody or other may take advantage of what we have said, to

prove both Punctuation and Punctuality immaterial. No matter.

It {137}is both absurd and inconvenient to stand upon points.

[Illustration: 146]

Of how much consequence, however, Punctuation is, the student may form

some idea, by considering the different effects which a piece of poetry,

for instance, which he has been accustomed to regard as sublime or

beautiful, will have, when liberties are taken with it in that respect.

Imagine an actor commencing Hamlet's famous soliloquy, thus:

"To be; or not to be that is. The question," &c.

Or {138}saying, in the person of Duncan, in Macbeth:

"This castle hath a pleasant seat, the air."

Or as the usurper himself, exclaiming,

"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!

Where got'st thou that goose? Look!"

[Illustration: 147]

Crying, as Romeo,

"It is my lady O! It is my love!"

Or in the character of Norval, in the tragedy of Douglas, giving this

account of himself and his origin: "My name is Norval. On the Grampian

hills My father feeds."

We {139}have now said as much as we think it necessary to say on the

head of English Grammar. We shall conclude our labors with an "Address

to Young Students and as to the question, what that has to do with

our subject, we shall leave it to be settled by Lindley Murray, whose

example, in this respect, we follow. All we shall observe is, that in

our opinion, advice concerning manners stand in the same relation to a

Comic English Grammar, as instruction in morals does to a Serious one.

For the remarks which it will now be our business to make, we bespeak

the indulgence of our elder readers, and the attention of such as are of

tender age.

ADDRESS TO YOUNG STUDENTS.

Young Gentlemen,

Having attentively perused the foregoing pages, you will be desirous, it

is to be presumed, of carrying still farther those comical pursuits in

which, with both pleasure and profit to yourselves, you have been lately

engaged. Should such be your laudable intention, you will learn, with

feelings of lively satisfaction, that it is one, in the accomplishment

of which, thanks to Modern Taste, you will find encouragement at every

step. The literature of the day is professedly comic, and of the few

works which are not made ludicrous by the design of their authors, the

majority are rendered so in spite {140}of it. In the course of your

reading, however, you will be frequently brought into contact with

hack-ney-coachmen, cabmen, lackeys, turnkeys, thieves, lawyers' clerks,

medical students, and other people of that description, who are all very

amusing when properly viewed, as the monkeys and such like animals at

the Zoological Gardens are, when you look at them through the bars of

their cage. But too great familiarity with persons of this class is sure

to breed contempt, not for them and their manners, but for the usages

and modes of expression adopted in parlors and drawingrooms, that is to

say, in good society. Nay, it is very likely to cause those who indulge

in it to learn various tricks and eccentricities, both of behavior

and speech, for "It is certain, that either wise bearing or ignorant

carriage is caught, as men take diseases, one of another." Shakspere.

Beset thus, as you will necessarily be, by perils and dangers in

your wanderings amid the fields of Comicality, you will derive great

advantage from knowing be-fore-hand what you are likely to meet with,

and what it will be incumbent on you to avoid. It is to furnish you with

this information that the following hints and instructions are intended.

Be careful, when you hear yourself called by name, to reply "Here I am,"

and not "Here you are," an error into which you are very likely to be

led by the perusal of existing authors.

When you partake, if it be your habit to do so, of the beverage called

porter, drink it as you would water, or any other liquid. Do not wink

your eye, or nod sideways to your companion; such actions, especially

when preceded by blowing away the foam which col lects {141}on the top

of the vessel, being exceedingly inelegant: in order that you may not

be incommoded by this foam or froth, always pour the fluid gently into a

tumbler, instead of drinking it out of the metallic tankard in which it

is usually brought to you.

In asking for malt liquor generally, never request the waiter to "draw

it mild and do not, on any occasion, be guilty of using the same phrase

in a metaphorical sense, that is to say, as a substitute for "Do it

quietly,"

"Be gentle," and the like.

Never exhort young ladies, during a quadrille, to "fake away," or to

"flare up," for they, being unacquainted with the meaning of such terms,

will naturally conclude that it is an improper one.

Avoid inquiries after the health of another person's mother, using that

word synonymously with Mamma, to denote a female parent. Though you may

be really innocent of any intention to be rude, your motives may very

possibly be misconstrued. Remember also on no account to put questions,

either to friends or strangers, respecting the quantity of soap in their

possession.

Should it be necessary for you to speak of some one smoking tobacco,

do not call that substance a weed, or the act of using it "blowing a

cloud."

When an acquaintance pays you a visit, take care, in rising to receive

him, not to appear to be washing your hands, and, should you be engaged

in writing at the time, place your pen on the table, or in the inkstand,

and not behind your ear.

Observe, when your tailor comes to measure you, the way in which he

wears his hair, and should your own {142}style in this particular

unfortunate resemble his, be sure to alter it immediately.

Never dance _â la cuisinière_, that is to say, do not cut capers.

Eschew large shirt pins.

Never say "Ma'am" or "Miss," in addressing a young lady, if you cannot

contrive to speak to her without doing so, say nothing.

Never, under any circumstances, let the abbreviation "gent." for

gentleman, escape the enclosure of your teeth. Above all things, for the

sake of whatever you hold most dear, never say "me and another gent."

When you receive a coin of any kind, deposit it at once in your pocket,

without the needless preliminary of furling it in the air.

Never ask a gentleman how much he has a-year.

In speaking of a person of your own age, or of an elderly gentleman, do

not say, Old So-and-so, but So-and-so, or Mr. So-and-so, as the case

may be: and have no nicknames for each other. We were much horrified

not long since, by hearing a great coarse fellow, in a leathern hat and

fustian jacket, exclaim, turning round to his companion, "Now, then,

come along, old Blokey!"

When you have got a cold in the head and weak eyes, do not go and call

on young ladies.

Do not eat gravy with a knife, for fear those about you should suppose

you to be going to commit suicide.

In offering to help a person at dinner, do not say, "Allow me to

_assist_ you." When you ask people what wine they will take, never say,

"What'll you have?" or, "What'll you _do it in?_"

If {143}you are talking to a clergyman about another member of the

clerical profession, adopt some other method of describing his avocation

than that of saying, "I believe he is in your line."

Do not recommend an omelet to a lady, as a good _article_.

Be cautious not to use the initial letter of a person's surname, in

mentioning or in addressing him. For instance, never think of saying,

"Mrs. Hobbs, pray, how is Mr. H.?"

Call all articles of dress by their proper names. What delight can

be found by a thinking mind in designating a hat as a tile, trousers,

kickseys, a neckerchief, a fogle, or a choker; or a great coat, an upper

Benjamin? And never speak of clothes, collectively, as toggs or toggery.

We here approach the conclusion of our labors. Young gentlemen, once

more it is earnestly requested that you will give your careful attention

to the rules and admonitions which have been above laid down for your

guidance. We might have given a great many more; but we hope that the

spirit of our instructions will enable the diligent youth to supply,

by observation and reflection, that which, for obvious reasons, we have

necessarily left unsaid. And now we bid you farewell. That you may never

have the misfortune of entering, with splashed boots, a drawing-room

full of ladies; that you may never, having been engaged in a brawl

on the previous evening, meet, with a black eye, the object of your

affections the next morning; that you may never, in a moment of

agitation, omit the aspirate, or use it when you ought not; that your

laundress may always {144}do justice to your linen; and your tailor make

your clothes well, and send them home in due time; that your braces may

never give way during a waltz; that you may never, sitting in a strong

light at a large dinner-party, suddenly remember that you have not

shaved for two days; that your hands and face may ever be free from tan,

chaps, freckles, pimples, brandy-blossoms, and all other disfigurements;

that you may never be either inelegantly fat, or ridiculously lean; and

finally, that you may always have plenty to eat, plenty to drink, and

plenty to laugh at, we earnestly and sincerely wish. And should your lot

in life be other than fortunate, we can only say, that we advise you to

bear it with patience; to cultivate Comic Philosophy; and to look upon

your troubles as a joke.

[Illustration: 153]

End of Project Gutenberg's The Comic English Grammar, by Percival Leigh